Post Secret Ponderings

I got the newest Post Secret book for my birthday a few months back.  I skimmed it then, but I finally had a chance to sit and really read through it recently.  There I sat, in my swing, snuggled in with a pillow and a blanket.  Cradling my Post Secret book.  Knowing that I'm gonna be diving into a hole, by choice, and I don't know what will be when I climb out.

This book, in particular, struck me on a very deep level.  It's my third Post Secret book, and I look forward to Sunday Secrets every week, but still.  In reading this book, I realized something that I think I've known for a while, but never acknowledged to be true.

Reading this book, I realized that some of my darkest deepest secrets have been shared by others.  Flipping through the pages, I saw at least three secrets that I was too afraid to send.  Two of the three have never been spoken of outside my treatment team's offices.  The third secret still resides solely in my head.

And apparently, they all reside in the minds of others, too.  

Does this make me feel any better?  I don't know.  Not really, I think.  It does make me feel less alone, knowing others are struggling with my struggles, too.  But it doesn't make me feel better.  Cause no one else should have to deal with my struggles, these in particular, and I wouldn't wish them upon anyone.

But clearly, others are inflicted, too.

And while occasionally, it helps to hear examples of what others have done in similar spots, usually, when someone on my team provides an example such as "you need to remember that you're not the only person in the world dealing with this?"  That? That is not helpful.

See, I'm an overachiever when it comes to constantly comparing myself to others.  I'm masterful at using others checklists to "score" myself.  I like knowing that sometimes, when my dietitian has a ridiculous schedule, she will fit in a workout anyway, though it may only be 20 minutes, because it's better than nothing.  That tip has kept me exercising on days when I was too busy to, knowing that if she is good with the concessional 20 minute workout instead of the full on hour, then I can be too.

So why do I still struggle with the idea of knowing that others suffer from the same issues I do?  Why do I cry when I see my secret on Post Secret, or in one of the books, though I never sent it in?  Why can't I find comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles?  While I might never know the answers to these questions, I'm ok with that.  I will continue reading Sunday Secrets, and continue reading the Post Secret books, and continue crying when I read one of my secrets in someone else's handwriting.  Maybe one day, I'll take comfort in those secrets, too.

Standing Out vs Being Noticed

I was driving in turtle-speed traffic this afternoon when I noticed a lime green sporty-type car that was impossible to miss.  Which got me thinking.  Stand out or be noticed?  What's the difference?

I used to want a bright purple car.  I (obviously) love purple, and I wanted to not lose my car in parking lots.  At the time I had a boring silver car, that was similar to probably 70% of cars in most parking lots.  I always lost that car in the parking lot, and since it didn't have the remote keyless entry, there was no clicking of the lock button to get the horn to honk and alert me to it's location.

I wanted a purple car so I wouldn't lose it.  I never realized that a car like that would most definitely be noticed. 

So I started thinking.  When you stand out, it's your actions that make you stand out, who you are makes you stand out.  It's putting together a presentation that is so far above and beyond what anyone else did, just because you had that much fun with the task, and were able to use all your skills to present the material.  You're not doing it to get noticed, you're doing it cause it's something you genuinely love to do and share.

I feel like when you want to be noticed, you do things in order to be seen, like buy a lime green car.  Or in my case, it would have been buying a purple car, though I didn't think of it that way at the time.  Being noticed, I think, is equal to what kids say is being a show off.  It's doing things specifically for attention.   

As I type this, I realize this has everything to do with my new job.  Everything.

See, I know I stand out when it comes to my gift of teaching.  It is something I was born with, an ability that I didn't have to learn, it was always just there.  Because it was a g-d given talent, and one I truly love, I continue to learn and grow and hone my skills.  This makes me stand out.  This also makes me uncomfortable.  Cause I didn't choose this gift.  I didn't ask to be *that* skilled here.  It is just who I am.  And the idea of taking and sharing this?  I feel like people might think I'm showing off or trying to be noticed, when that couldn't be farther from the truth.  For 14 years I was content teaching behind a closed door, doing my thing, reaching my students in ways no other had done so.  

This is part of what makes me uncomfortable.  I have a gift, a talent, per say, that is one not many around me possess.  I am more than happy to share, to teach, to support those in their quest to grow stronger in this area.  However, I don't feel like that makes me special, and the fact that it does indeed make me stand out makes me uncomfortable.  Ironically, this is basically the crux of my new job, so I better start getting used to standing out in this area.....

Gulp.

Farewell 2014, Hello 2015!

Well, it's time to let another year ride off in the sunset, as a new year approaches the horizon.  I don't know about you, but my 2014 was quite the interesting one.  There were definitely some ups (becoming an Aunt tops the list!) and there were definitely some downs (um, school troubles, anyone?) but overall, it was a growth filled year.

~ The highlights ~

I won a few technology grants for my classroom. ~ I presented at my first massive conference. ~ I jumped out of a plane with my best friend. ~ I did my first major presentation, speaking in front of my entire district of over 700 people. ~ I celebrated two years with the Pup. ~ I became an Aunt to the most adorable little peanut in the world, who has completely stolen my heart. ~ I paid off my car. ~ I watched my first class of students graduate high school. ~ I stabilized my weight. ~ I watched my niece transform my family, for the better. ~
I learned. ~ I risked. ~ I tried. ~ I grew.

Sure, there was a lot of failure and hurt and sadness and anxiety and
pain and fear and stress and tears.  But like the quote says.....
I'm going to try to see the possibilities instead of the pain.....

The word for 2014?  Possibilities.
For the first time in my life, I am seeing possibilities for a future..... for my future......

Guess it's time to bring on 2015!

Six Hundred!

The quote that started the blog.....

This post, yes, this very one you're reading, is the 600th post on My Purple Dreams!

When the blog began, I figured that I'd post once a week or so.... now, three years later?  Well, if I posted once a week for 2 full years, that would be 104 posts.  Considering we're at 600?  Guess this blogging thing has worked out, at least for the most part!

A few reflections on the blog....

1.  I started this blog as a part of a recovery project.  While recovery is still a daily challenge, this blog has seen me through the lowest of lows, and I hope, will see me through the consistency of recovered.

2.  My favorite part of the blog is the fact that with each post, there is a chance that someone will read my words, and they will be exactly what that person needs to read at that moment.  The words will be the glimmer of hope, the sign, the realization that they're not alone, the affirmation that they're on the right path...... The words will brighten someone else's day, or comfort the tears that have fallen.  In essence, since I have read a handful of incredible blogs, that were such support during my roughest times, I hope that maybe my words can be there to help someone else.

3.  The hardest part of blogging has been making myself write when I don't want to.  It's been letting my words hit the screen even when they don't want to leave my brain.  It's a challenge, for sure, that I succumbed to this past summer for two months, but it's a challenge that is worth tackling on a regular basis.

To all who are reading this now.... thank you for sharing even a few moments of your day with me!  I hope you find something here that makes you smile!

Day 21: The Archives

Hmmm.... link to my favorite posts in my archives.  That would require actually going back and reading the archives, which I actually haven't done in a while!

So.  Let's see.  I'll try and keep the list short......

1. 11 Things (11.11.11)
2. Farewell 2011 (12.31.11)
3. The A Word (2.12.12)
4. Perspective (5.28.12)
5. Word of the Day: Emotional (6.10.12)
6. Word of the Day: Laughter (6.18.12)
7. Turning Point (8.13.12)
8. Professionally Developed (10.31.12)
9. Stormy Weather (11.13.12)

Well, it isn't exactly short, but....  Those of you curious for a glimpse into more of my story, hopefully this will clear things up a bit!

Day 21 Prompt: A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives.

Adios 2012!

The Earth is completing it's 365 day journey around the sun, and another year comes to a close.

I am SO glad this year is over.

Here's to creating something better in 2013!

Continuing on with a tradition I started several years ago (read more about it here) I have dubbed this year the year of pain.  I know that sounds harsh and cold, but it is the truth.  There have been so many painful experiences this year, both physical and mental, I can't even begin to explain it.  2012 was hard and painful and unpleasant in so many ways.  I wouldn't wish the pain I've been through on anyone.

While 2012 was a painfully uncomfortable year, there is one big upside to pain.  It makes you appreciate the good that much more.  Cause while there was a tremendous amount of pain this year, there was also some good.  And maybe it's because of all that pain that the good feels that much more special.

I know that the pain of 2012 won't end at the stroke of midnight, but I am hoping that as we move through 2013, it lessens a little bit every day.  And I'm going to continue trying to take things one day at a time.

Blogging for Wellbeing: Advent 2012 Part 1

December 1st - Countdown!
For many, December 1st begins the formal countdown to Christmas.  For those that don't celebrate Christmas, it means something different.  To me as an educator, December 1st is definitely a count down.... the count down to our December break!

December 2nd - Holiday Cards
For many years, I had the best of intention to send holiday cards to those I care about.  Every year I bought adorable cards and made my list.  And every year I was met with disappointment, as no amount of intention helped me complete the task.  Now, instead of setting myself up for failure in sending holiday cards, I send notes to friends whenever the moment strikes - whether it's a funny card I see in the store, or I'm just thinking of them.

December 3rd - What does Winter/December mean to you?

To me, December means winter is near.  Winter being near means I have a much more palatable excuse for staying in.  Winter means I'm going to have to fight a lot harder to do the things that generally take little effort, as the darkness is hard for me.  December means we're readying to say farewell to another year.... whatever that means....

December 4th - How do you experience time in this season?

I don't know what it is about time, but when I want it to pass quickly, it drags on for ages, and when I want it to slow down, it flies by.  This season is no different.  Take school break, for example.  The countdown to the break takes for ever!  However, once break arrives?  Yup.  It flies by.

December 5th - The holiday shopping experience...
.... is so not something I enjoy.  There was a time, way back when, that I actually enjoyed the hustle and bustle of the shopping adventure.  Now?  I much prefer two types of shopping.  One, shopping in small, local stores, and two.... shopping in small, local stores, from the comfort of my couch.  As long as I give myself proper time to shop, finding the just right gifts isn't as challenging as it once was.

December 6th - Dear Santa
When I was a kid, my parents always traveled during Christmas.  It wasn't a big deal to me, as we celebrated Chanukah.  I particularly enjoyed their travels when they left us with a babysitter that DID celebrate Christmas.  Cause then, my parents left us little stockings and we had a little extra fun!

December 7th - Wrapping things up!

Oh boy.  This is a loaded one.  I am wrapped up and surrounded by my own inner chaos.  I tend to give away my power rather swiftly, and then get a headache trying to retrieve it.  Giving is great, and I love to do so.  Getting?  Next topic?

December 8th - The miracle of light!
Chanukah oh Chanukah... I love the dance of the lights of the menorah.  The story of Chanukah is one of my favorites, as well.  The festival of lights is a story of hope.  I am so thankful for my team, for they help me stay grounded so I am able to accept the light my students bring to my world.

December 9th - Do you believe?

I *think* so.  I mean, something has to make the seasons change, and the sun rise, something more than scientific descriptions.  Do I believe in my students?  Absolutely.  Each and every one of them has the potential to change the world.  Do I believe in me?  Not exactly.... but I do believe my team, and they believe in me....

December 10th - Family....
Family is what you make it.  My family.... they broke the mold, that's for sure.  I know that people often say that if we were to put all our cards out on the table, and had the chance to choose someone else's cards, we'd still choose our own, because they are what we know.  I'm not sure what I think about that.

December 11th - Finding light through the darkness...
Truthfully, this is a very dark time of year for me.  I rely on the light that comes from my team to lead me through the darkness.  I rely on the light from my students to brighten my world during the dark of winter.  Oh, and I rely on snow days for the unscheduled relief they bring!

December 12th - Looking inward
The light in my heart shines today because there are people in my world that remind me of my purpose.... that remind me that I do matter.... that I do make a difference.... they reflect to me the light that I can not see, similar to the way the moon reflects the light of the sun.  Inside me, they see something that I can't yet see, instead I follow their light, holding on to the hope that one day, I'll find my own.

Looking Back....

I don't know if it's the season, or what, but today I journeyed back in time.... I found myself visiting blog posts from a year ago, and I think I'm pleased by what I've found?  Maybe?  Sorta?

A year ago today, I posted "Got Feelings?" on the blog.  The post was mostly about the fact that at that time, I was constantly fighting tears, and getting kind of sick of them!  The quote "I hate the moment when suddenly my anger turns into tears." was incredibly fitting at the time, because a year ago, I was still refusing to feel any anger.  I just couldn't let myself feel that emotion.  I thought I'd burst and be overwhelmed if I let myself feel anger.

Fast forward to the present moment.... yeah, I'm still battling tears, and I'm still pretty depressed.... BUT.... I have begun the process of learning to FEEL my FEELINGS.  All of them.  Yep.... even anger.  I still am working to identify some of these feelings, and the things that trigger them, but the good news is that I am actually able to feel them without exploding!  I think that's a pretty good accomplishment!

Still working on a lot, still dealing with a lot of the same crud, but at a different layer.  It's kinda like I'm reading and writing the next chapter all at the same time.  I'm rather glad that I chose to do a look back today, because I tend to focus on how much more work I have ahead of me instead of pausing and realizing that I really have come a long way!

Another month says farewell

Well folks, November is coming to an end for 2012. 

Though it's a 30 day month, I swear, it has felt twice as long to me.

                                                         Highlights of the month:

• NaBloPoMo!  I loved meeting so many bloggers and their blogs - many were added to my blog list, and I'm excited to keep in touch with my new friends!
• Meeting my new best friend!  This pup has been such a joy to have.  While he hasn't fixed all my problems or lifted my depression, he sure has brought more comfort into my world.
• Making the best pie I've ever made for Thanksgiving dessert.

Lowlights of the month:

• Stupid depression.... plummeted over the last few weeks.... 
• I'm in the process of a med adjustment, which is never fun.

Finally, a brief response to NaBloPoMo's prompt for today:

Through this month's NaBloPoMo challenge, I learned that being real on my blog is actually helpful and inspiring to others.  I've been hesitant, at times, in posting how I'm *really* doing, for fear of turning away my readers.  I now see how sharing my reality, which has always been therapeutic for me, has actually connected me with complete strangers, and made me feel a lot less alone!

And that, my friends, is the end of NaBloPoMo!  

Or as Porky Pig likes to say, "That's all folks!"

Professionally Developed

I work with some amazing people.  Professional, put together, masters of their craft.  People that I look at and think "wow, I kinda wish I could have their lives for a little while, and see how the other half lives......"  I often feel less than, just because they are all married (or engaged) and have families (or are just starting their families) and have very rich and wonderful lives outside of work.  In other words, their highlight reels are pretty spectacular.

And mine isn't.

Except for one area.  I found it quite shocking that my "highlight reel" actually brought out the behind-the-scenes struggle in my colleagues.  See, my highlight reel is very limited.  It actually only encompasses one skill area.  That's it.  I don't have the family.  I don't have the relationship.  I don't have the outside-of-work-amazing-life.  But I do have one talent, that I now know brings out insecurities in others.  Which is something I hate to do, make someone feel insecure.  And today, more than ever, that was made clear to me.

Which is why this quote came to mind.  I know I need to really work hard to stop looking at the highlight reel, the "public persona" of my colleagues.  Because when I do that, I feel like an ant surrounded by elephants - the smallest, most insignificant creature of the bunch.  Hopefully this new-found information will help me balance out a little bit more, and be less insecure about what they have that I don't, and instead, focus on sharing what I can......  After all, we all have something to offer, whether we're behind the camera or running the show.

Mental Health Matters!

As World Mental Health Awareness Day draws to a close, I have been reflecting on my journey over the last year.  Most notably, how much things have changed in the last year, and how much they are still the same.  Confusing contradiction, I know, but it's true.  The world has changed, I have changed, my health has changed.  Yet, the sun still rises, the stars still shine, the rain still falls, and the leaves still change.

The thing that hasn't yet changed is the stigma attached to mental health.  And even more, the stigma about eating disorders.  It is frustrating and sad to hear people speak of eating disorders as "fads" or "attention seeking."  It is frustrating and sad to hear people whisper about depression and anxiety.  If only they knew that in a room of 20 people, 5 likely suffer from a diagnosable mental illness.

But no one talks about it.  And if no one talks about it, the secrecy just increases the shame.

I've been talking about it.  Slowly at first, and quietly, and with a few trusted people.  But through the blogging community, I've grown stronger.  And braver.  And though I still struggle daily, the shame is decreasing as the secrecy lessens. 

In the beginning, things were definitely rougher.  Below are snippets of my journey that I hope will inspire you to try something new on yours...

Stress and Attitude
Got Feelings?
A Wake Up Call
What If?
Everybody Knows Somebody
Secrets
I Just Don't Get It
Self-Care vs. Self-Neglect
Caving, In a Good Way!

To close out World Mental Health Awareness Day, I want to share something that was shared at Psych Central's Blog Party.   The page is now full of amazing stories shared by courageous people.  When you have a healthy dose of courage, it helps to also have a bit of humor mixed in.  This video should do the trick!  Serious and funny at the same time, it is, in my mind, a great end to a great day.

Week 37: Most Meaningful Gift I've Received

I'm going to take two perspectives on this one, too.  Cause there are at least two angles in which to view this prompt, at least as I see it!

First, the literal version.  The most meaningful gift I've received came from my students.  It actually came in three, no, four parts.  The first part was the gift my principal gave me in letting me loop up a grade with my entire class.  Yep.  Two years.  Same classroom.  Same kids.  Same families.  Ah-may-zing.  The final three parts of that gift came the last week of school.  The parents put together a few things that had me bawling.

For starters, the class made me a giant card.  We're talking GIANT.  Two poster boards.  They decorated it, wrote their favorite memories from the years, and signed it.  It is safely tucked away and I'll likely keep it forever.  The second part of the gift was an incredible step stool.  The sentiments on it talks about helping them "step up" into the next grade.  It is decorated so sweetly, with their fingerprints turned into animals, and their favorite sayings from our time together.  The last gift, was tucked away into the stool (which lives in my bedroom as a foot stool!)  It was a book.  It was no ordinary book.  It was a hard cover, dust jacked, photo book of our two years together.  Each child had a two page spread with pictures of them both in and out of school during our time together, along with a favorite memory or thought.  The last two pages in the book contain a note from each student.... I can't read that book without bawling....

Now, the not-so-literal version.

The most meaningful gift I've been given is the gift of reflection and connection.  Because of who I am, and my life, I, somehow, have a very easy time connecting with my students.  They comment that I understand them, I get them, and I just know how to make things work for them.  Which I guess, is true?  I don't quite know what it is that I do in the classroom, because a lot of it comes automatically, but somehow, I manage to connect with each of my students throughout the year and help make them feel special.  I think that gift comes via the gift of reflection.  I'm uber reflective, often to a fault.  I ponder and ponder until I have analyzed and journaled about everything.  I think that it's in that reflection process that I find ways to connect with my students.  Maybe?

Gifts.  Literal and figurative.  I still prefer to give them than receive them!

Challenge 7, Part 1: Beauty

Beauty... I feel like I've spent a good deal of time on this topic, and may end up repeating a quote or two here and there.  But to start, I think this quote is so incredibly powerful.  We all need to keep in mind that Beauty is not a single definition.  It is really not definable, because every individual has their own idea of beauty.  The media has placed their spin on what "socially acceptable beauty" is, but the reality of it is that less than 8% of the population fit the media's definition.  I don't know about you, but I'm working on my own way to define beauty.  And size has no place in my definition.

Challenge 1, Part 3: Creativity

I learned a lot about this week's topic by reading everyone's posts.  That is probably one of the best gifts of a blogging community - we learn from each others words, experiences, and stories.  Still have a lot to learn over here, but this challenge sure gave me a good start on the topics of self-care and self-soothing!

Struggling to learn

Enough about how to

Live a life

Full of love and

Compassion for my self

Along with

Realizing that

Even I am worth it.

Self-Care

complicated, effort-full

discouraging, challenging, empowering

a worthwhile skill to acquire

Self-Soothing 

© MGD July 2012

A really great list of ideas to take care of the self: 70 ways for Self Care

Week 25: Something I'm Proud Of

Let's take a quick peek back at the accomplishments I wrote about way back in December for week 10.  Did you click the link?  Read up?  Good.

I can say that I am still proud of the accomplishments I wrote about nearly seven months ago.  They all stand true today.  Especially teaching, I am so proud of all my students, and the way we impact each other.  I am proud to say that I still love my job, despite the challenges over the years.

I am proud that I have chosen to continue to walk the path in front of me.  It's not been an easy journey and there are many, many times where I wanted to give up.  But I didn't.  I won't give up.  I am proud of my decision to join my team in the fight against my challenges.  I'm proud of the fact that I still show up for therapy and dig into things I don't want to acknowledge, much less look at and talk about.  I'm proud of the fact that I've learned to better take care of myself during family situations that get out of hand.  Instead of toughing it out and letting my family walk all over me, I will now do what I need to do to take care of me, even though it feels impossibly hard.

I'm proud of this blog.  I never thought that I'd become a blogger.  Sure, I've always loved to write, but I've shared my writing with maybe 5-6 people, three of whom were my former teachers.  Otherwise, my writing has always been private.  I never thought it good enough to share.

Hmmmm.... pride.... this is a pretty decent list of things to be proud of... if only I can transfer them into sources of confidence.... guess I'll just have to wait and see!