A Summer Swim

It's been hot here.  Like, really, really hot.  Now, granted, it's summer in the mid-west, so anything is possible weather-wise, but this?  This is hot.  And it's gonna get hotter.

One of the biggest reasons I moved here is because of the pool.  It has a beautiful pool!  Even better is that it is rarely in use during the day (though it's packed in the evenings!)  I looked forward to lazy days floating around the pool, enjoying summer to it's fullest.

And for the first few years, I did.  Until I couldn't anymore.  Until I couldn't be in the pool without turning it into a haven for over-exercising.  And when my doctor ordered no more exercise, that ceased.  Fast forward to a few years ago, and I was given permission to use the pool again.  You'd think I'd be excited.

But I wasn't.  Cause at this point I flat out refused to wear a bathing suit.  Sure, I have a shorty wetsuit, that I could easily wear in the pool.  But then I'd look like an idiot.  So I just avoided the pool all together.

Until this summer.  I've enjoyed it a few times already, with a good book.  It's been pretty nice, too, as the pool continues to be empty during the day when I use it, and busy in the evenings.  That gives me plenty of time and space to walk around the pool enjoying my book.

It's been nice.  Until today. 

Today, I was literally up to my shoulders in the water, holding my book that I was reading, which was nice.  Until my hands started sweating like faucets.  Sure, it happens a lot outside of the pool (thanks to the oh-so-UGH hyperhydrosis,) but that's never happened to me in the pool before.  Ever.

I walked back in the door in tears.  My body has been particularly difficult the past few weeks.  Between unusually challenging female problems, to extreme fatigue and exhaustion, to the return of headaches, to mysterious lower back pain, I've been batting 100.  And I am not dealing with it well.  I fight with myself on a daily basis to take care of my body..... it feels like painfully hard work that I don't often want to do.  Yet, I know I've got to do it. 

My nutritionist commented the other day, "wouldn't it be awesome if everything was what it was supposed to be?!" Well, yeah.  But at this point, I'll take a one day break from the pain and exhaustion.  Maybe that will give me some more energy so I can continue working on this puzzle my body is.  Cause lately, it feels like what used to be a 100 piece puzzle has turned into a 1000 piece puzzle with no picture guidance.

My Anxious Heart

"Depression is when you can't feel at all. Anxiety is when you feel too much. Having both is a constant war within your own mind. Having both means never winning." 

Katie Crawford, My Anxious Heart

Photo Credit

A friend sent me the link to this article about My Anxious Heart, a photo series depicting anxiety and depression with photography instead of just words.  While I found all the photos in the series so spot on and relateable, it was the quote above that got me. 

On top of the eating disorder, which is thankfully under control these days, both anxiety and depression reside inside me.  There are days where my depression is so thick I can't lift my head from my pillow in the morning.  There are days when my anxiety is so strong walking from the bedroom to the living room has me short of breath.

Sometimes I miss the numbness the eating disorder provided, it was a more tolerable numbness than the one depression carries.  Depression numb is being in the dark with no light in sight, where as the eating disorder numb is more dissociative.  Both leave me feeling rather care-less.

I struggle with lots of things I see on Facebook, and I actually stopped reading the newspaper and watching the news nearly two years ago.  Why?  Because I feel too much.  Because I'd see a story about a town in need, and my heart would break for the citizens of the town.  I'd see a story about a child who won the battle with cancer, and my heart would crack open even further for the pain they had to go through.  Feeling so much, so intensely, leaves me gasping for breath.

I don't like that I agree with the author, that "having both means never winning," but I do.  I feel like the delicate balance, the grey area, so to speak, is so hard to find, and once it's found, it is nearly impossible to stay for long.  Being in one extreme, depression, is no better than the other extreme, anxiety, at least for me.  I aim to reside in the grey area.

And yet, it seems impossibly elusive.
(That's what the depression says.)

And the idea of the grey area is terrifying.
(That's the anxiety talking.)

Still, I plug on.  I see my therapist twice a week and my dietitian once a week and the rest of my team as needed and I plug on.  They haven't given up.  So I won't either.

At Any Cost

I've been *trying* to live a healthier life for 68 days.  I know that because I've numbered every day in my food log since starting this new commitment to myself. 
Since making this commitment....

• I've eaten more produce in the past 68 days than in the past 68 months.
• I've prepared more meals at home than ever before.
• I've eaten less processed foods.  (My dietitian may be rolling her eyes at this, but it is true!)
• I've run the dishwasher with more than just bowls and spoons.
• I've run the dishwasher more frequently.
• I've cut out some favorite foods because they make my body hurt.
• I've cheated on the foods that I'm supposed to avoid.
• I've paid the price for cheating, higher prices than ever before.
• I've begun to listen to my body.  
• I've begun treating my body with a little less hostility.

I've tried.
Oh, how I've tried.

I'm not where I wish to be.  Yet.  But I keep trying.
One day at a time, I will uncover the life that belongs to me,
that was lost amid the chaos of growing up, of an eating disorder,
of shattered self-esteem, and of fear-driven living.
And I will try to live my own life.
A healthy and peaceful one, at that.

NEDA Week 2015 - Possibilities

Wrapping up the week with a bit of reflection...

Everybody Knows Somebody

NEDA 2013

Infographics

BodyLove

Statistics

Reality

Size vs Style

Anatomy of an ED

Secrets

I Had No Idea

What Matters

30 Day Recovery Challenge

NEDA Week 2015 - Bullying

This fact from NEDA made me stop and think.

Back in high school, I had very few friends.  Ok, I had like 4 friends at school, the rest of my friends were through unrelated extra-curriculars.

That made for a rather lonely lunch time.  One that often found me eating in the corner of a stairwell I knew wasn't that busy during lunch.  Or hiding in the back corner of the library, cause I knew I wouldn't be found.  If I was lucky, I was able to eat in a classroom.  But after freshman year, nearly all of my lunches were eaten solo.

And really, when I think about it, after freshman year, all of my lunches sucked, too.  They were about as good for you as eating a case of Hershey bars.

I ate french fries, hostess cupcakes, and Hawaiian punch nearly every single day from sophomore year through graduation. 

As isolated and lonely as I was, I never really saw myself as bullied.  I avoided the people who were unkind to me.  I avoided people in general, really.  Today, that might be seen as being bullied, but back then?  Eh.  It was what it was.

I do know that those who isolate often are hiding or covering something up.  I wished many times during those days that someone would come up to me and befriend me, or offer to help me get support.  I mean, in my mind, everyone else was living this awesome, family-friendly life, while I was hiding in my own skin.

Speak up.  Reach out.  You never know the impact you'll make.....

NEDA Week 2015 - Barbie Who?

Read full page HERE.

NEDA Week 2015 - No Blame

Not just not a phase,
but also not a blame game.

Parents.
You did NOT cause your child's eating disorder.

And for those of you (us) that have eating disorders,
you can NOT blame it on your parents.

I don't know that I ever "blamed" my parents, per say, for my eating disorder.  I do, though, wish they would have been a little more involved in my world, because maybe then they would have noticed something was up. 

Or at least, if they were more involved, maybe I'd have been better able to talk to them.  At any rate, the past is the past, and the best is yet to come.....

 

NEDA Week 2015 - Media Matters

My favorite show growing up was a Disney piece called Kids, Incorporated.  I wanted to be like one of the characters, Renee, as she had hair similar to mine. 

Even as an eight year old, I knew I wasn't pretty.  I wanted to be pretty like Renee.  As the show continued, and Renee grew, I watched her get heavier, and decided I no longer wanted to be like her.  I was probably ten when I recognized that her weight gain was not a good thing.  Didn't matter that in "real life" she was probably hitting puberty, and her body was naturally doing what bodies do.  But to me, she was getting fat.  And I was not going to let my body do that.

Now days, kids are exposed to SO much more media than I was.  I mean, I pretty much watched Kids, Inc, and maybe a few shows on Nickelodeon, but that was it.  I never read teen magazine, I preferred Disney magazine.  I just wasn't exposed to what kids are today.  For that, I consider myself lucky.

As an older teen, I was (and truthfully, continue to be) easily influenced by media.  I remember spending many Friday nights walking around the mall with my BFF at the time.  She loved looking at all the clothes in the store windows.  I loved looking at all the people and deciding if I wanted to be like them or not.  I was twelve.

I had already spent years as a chameleon - I could like whatever the person I was with at the time liked.  This was one more step into the distorted body image challenge that continues to follow me around as an adult.

While I still struggle with food and eating and body image in general, as a teacher, I make certain that my words remain neutral, positive, and encouraging to my students in all areas.  They need to know that who they are right this second is just right.  It doesn't matter what their favorite actor or singer looks like or does.  Their little bodies are exactly as they should be, and just like their job right now is school, their other job is to feed their body healthy stuff, and stay active.  I just hope they remember this when the media becomes their main teacher.

NEDA Week 2015 - I Had No Idea

When I was 13, my friends and I decided to become vegetarians.  That was 24 years ago.  And it was a huge clue that my eating had become disordered.  I just didn't know it at the time.

My parents were rather clueless, too.  You'd think that if your 13 year old announces that she's becoming a vegetarian, you'd look for alternative protein sources for her, so her body gets the nutrients it needs.

Nope. 

Instead, my meals consisted of the "typical" meal stuff, minus the meat.  Which meant that my dinner often consisted of salad and a vegetable.  Or, sometimes it was just cereal.  And I was fine with that.

Truth be told, my disordered eating began much younger.  I slowly refused to eat certain foods, I think I was eight when spaghetti became the enemy, and by ten pizza was out too.  People found it funny that in going out to eat with friends after lessons, I'd often have a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of croutons with ranch dressing.  That was it.

My parents continued to be clueless. 
And I had no idea I was hiding an eating disorder.

Kicking off NEDA Week 2015

It's that time of year again. 
No, not spring cleaning or holiday shopping. 
It's NEDA week.
That's - National Eating Disorder Awareness - week.

Every year since I started this blog, I've taken this week to shine some light on what the The American Journal of Psychiatry says that eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

Yup.  You read that right.  Highest mortality rate.

And these "disordered eating habits" can start early.

According to NEDA, approximately 80% of all 10 year old girls have dieted.  80%.  I teach 10 year olds.  I've seen it first hand.  It makes my heart hurt and my stomach turn.

The same study shows that 70% of girls ages six to 12 would like to lose weight.  

While there are many, many reasons eating disorders take hold of their victim, blaming helps no one.  Instead of placing blame, educate yourself.  Become aware.  Speak up.  You can make a difference.

I Bought the Wrong Butter

You probably didn't realize there was a "wrong" butter to buy.

Well, when you're recovering from an eating disorder, there is.  Or, at least for me there is.

For the last as-long-as-I-can-remember years, I've always, always, always bought sticks of butter.  Preferably the quarter sticks.  They're easier to measure, I mean, cut.

Last week, I was in such a rush as I flew through the grocery store, I grabbed the butter my parents usually buy.  With only two ingredients, I was fine with that (the fewer ingredients the better, as always) I grabbed the tub of butter of the shelf and headed to the check out.  For once, I only had the items in my basket that I specifically walked in to get.

Tub.

Of butter.

Me?

Really?

Ooopsie.....

But I survived.

And I'm actually using the butter-in-a-tub.  It tastes the same, it still works, and it actually spreads easier right out of the fridge.  The only problem is that it's not nearly as easy to measure.  To track how much I used.  To count the exact calories needed.  I mean, sure, I know how much I'm eating, I'm just not able to be as precise as I'd like.  As precise as I'm used to being.

Positive growth?  Step forward in recovery?  Maybe.  Rather fear-inducing?  Yup.

Week 17: Goals

I have such mixed feelings about goals.  On the one hand, they're awesome!  I love being able to set a goal and make a list of steps to help accomplish it.  Crossing off each item on the list gives such a satisfying feeling, making reaching the goal all the more gratifying!

On the other hand...... sometimes my life is too chaotic for goals.  Lists overwhelm me.  I set goals and watch them fly by with little to no dent made in achieving them.  Sometimes my goals feel ridiculous, like getting out of bed, or getting into the shower. 

When you're dealing with an eating disorder, or depression, or anxiety, or any other invisible challenges, goals can feel impossibly painful, adding to the suffering.  Thankfully, they can also feel incredibly uplifting, bringing brightness through the clouds.

Right now, I'm working on eating.  Again.  Still.  Whatever.  I have been struggling a lot with getting in the appropriate types of foods, and getting enough of them at that.  It's not fun.  I feel like I've taken ten steps back in my recovery, even though my team would disagree.  I'm living the "one day at a time" mindset, or at least I'm trying to, in all areas of my life.

Sorry fellow readers, I'm kinda feeling stuck right now.  If I wrote this post in a month, it might be totally different.  In fact, I just might do that!

Week 11: Recovery

I'd like to say that recovery has been going well.  

I'd like to say that I've mastered meal planning.  

I'd like to say that I'm consistently meeting my calorie goals.

I'd like to say that I'm incorporating a variety of foods into my meals.

I'd like to say that I'm getting adequate nutrition.

But I'm not.

I'm in a bit of a rocky patch.

I'm struggling with the basics.

I'm trying my hardest.

Things just aren't happening.

Yet.

Kicking off NEDA Week

Today kicks of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, and the theme for this year's week is "I had NO idea."

I am really familiar with this theme, cause the few people I told about my eating disorder responded with their own "I had no idea!"  Followed by many stereotypical responses that only further fueled my eating disorder, and led to sharing it with few others.

My goal is to post daily during this week, sharing bits about my recovery process (one I am still in.......) and resources for those who are struggling or know someone who is struggling with an eating disorder.

*Here's a few facts to kick off the week:

•  You can't tell whether someone has an eating disorder based on their age, gender, ethnicity, size, or sexuality.  Basically, you can't tell by looking if someone has an eating disorder.
• Eating disorders are as serious as heart attacks - they have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder.
• Despite stereotypes that eating disorders only effect women, one in three or four men/boys also struggle with them.
• Sadly, more than 2/3 of youth struggling with an eating disorder have not gotten the treatment they need.
• In the United States, 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at some time in their life.

Eating disorders are no joke at all.  If you're concerned about a friend or loved one, speak up!  Pay a visit to NEDA's website for support in approaching those you care about.  There's support for them, and for you.

*Facts courtesy of the NEDA website.

Gearing Up For Another Challenge!

You might remember, that way back when I began this blog, it was part of a recovery project.  The idea was a weekly prompt that was posted in the group, was to be written about with the recovery lens.  It was supposed to be one prompt per week, 52 prompts total, giving us a year of recovery blogging.  (Here's a sneak peek at the list of prompts, linked to my first round of responses.)

Well.
It took more than a year.  Quite a bit more, actually.
I began the challenge on October 29, 2011,
and completed the 52nd week's prompt on October 9, 2013.

And now I think I'm ready to begin it again.

After all, it's been over two years since the first prompt!

So I invite you, whether you're recovering from an eating disorder, recovering from anything else, or not recovering at all, and just want to participate in a pretty cool year of blogging, to join me.  My plan is to post every Sunday, which means week one's post will go up on Sunday, January 5th.

I'm going to attempt a link-up, as well, so those of you that choose to participate, can post your link on each week's prompt.

Even if you don't "join" the group, I can attest that these prompts will make you think, and could make for a nice, year-long reflective journey!

What a Difference a Year Makes!

Even the Pup got to go!

What a pumpkin!

Last year, I was able to visit one of my favorite places after my not-so-nice little buddy prevented me from visiting the previous year.  Considering the Cider Mill is only open for three short months?  Skipping out on visiting for a full year is really a long time to miss!

 New definition of pumpkin carving!

Last year, I blogged about how nice it was to cave in and return to one of the few places my family visited yearly since I was a child.

Fresh made donuts!

This year?

This year, it's been more than a sporadic visit during the short, three month season.  This year, I've made it a weekly stop!  You can say that by visiting the Cider Mill on Sundays all season long, I'm either ending my week on a sweet note, or starting my week on a sweet note.

A pause in the crowd....

Either way?  I am thrilled that fresh pressed apple cider has been on my meal plan since the start of the season!

Week 52: Dream Vacation

OK, so this may have taken me two years, but the impetus for the blog has finally been completed!  This original blog challenge, started on October 29, 2011, has finally landed at the last post of the challenge!

And what better final topic than dreaming of a dream vacation?!

So.... in celebration of a full (two) year(s) of recovery blogging, if money was no issue.... my dream vacation would take me on a month-long tour of Europe and Asia, with a special stop in Israel. 

With camera in hand, I'd visit the historical landmarks that have shaped this planet and the people who inhabit it.  Feasting on foods (since this is a dream, I'd have no food allergies!) from many cultures, not worrying about calories (cause on this dream vacation, they don't exist!)

This dream vacation would continue with a visit to Disney World in Florida, followed by a week in paradise at my California Family's home, and culminating with an incredible, unplugged visit to the retreat center in Mexico where wi-fi doesn't exist, nor does electricity (at least in the bungalows) instead, the days are filled with blue sky, beautiful greenery, and the soothing surf of the waves upon the beach.

Maybe one day this, like recovery, will no longer be a dream.  For now, though, maybe many separate trips will actually become reality!

Day 30: Letting Go

Letting go........ two simple words......... so many interpretations......

Ironic that this is today's prompt, as today, I let my grandmother go.  She graced this Earth for more than 90, very, very full years.

Letting go does not mean forgetting.  It does not mean pretending things never happened.  It does not mean that the past is erased.

Letting go means moving forward.  It means picking up the pieces and creating a new picture.  It means growing.  It means forgiving.

As I let go to my grandmother, I will not forget all she has gifted my life with.  I will remember the good, let go of the bad, and forgive the hurts. 

Letting go means so many things.  Let go of the bad to make room for the good.  Let go and let the universe open to you, to the plans it has for you.  Let go, and just be.

Grandma, you will be missed......


Day 30 Prompt: React to this term: Letting Go.

Day 22: Stepping on the Soapbox

This is such a timely prompt for me right now!

Two summers I got a great pair of shorts.  As it was near the end of the summer, they were sold out everywhere, even online, otherwise, I'd have bought a few pairs.  Fast forward to this summer.  Back to said store as they brought that style of shorts back!  Yeah!  I was so excited and went straight in to pick up a few pairs.  Lucky me, there was a big sale going on, so the shorts were half-off.  Unlucky me, there was, once again, only one pair in stock that fit me.

(stepping on the soap box)

The pair of shorts I bought two years ago were my semi-typical size.  As I wore them, they stretched a bit (or I lost weight, who knows) and they got to be too big, but still wearable.  The pair of shorts I bought this year were a size LARGER than the previous pair, and are just a smidge tight on me!

What gives?!  Same store.  Same style.  Same shorts.  Totally different fit!  I mean, I'm holding the shorts next to each other, reading the size labels, and they are totally off base!  The larger size short is actually smaller than the smaller size short!  Seriously people, what gives?  Are you trying to add to the already messed up body-image that many women carry with them?    I mean come on.  An eight is an eight is an eight.  At least that's how I think it should be.  Not an eight one summer, which becomes a ten the  next, which becomes a twelve the next, yet all three pairs of shorts are exactly the same.

This frustrates me and if it weren't for two plus years working on recovery, it would really depress me, too.

(stepping off the soapbox)

Day 22 Prompt: Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off.)

Week 47: Motivation

This week's post is about motivation.  More specifically, what motivates me to recover.  I'm a little embarrassed to admit that my major source of motivation today is still quite closely resembling my motivation way back two years ago.....  And my motivation when I tackled this topic back in February......

Yes, I am still working on maintaining my recovery progress for my team.  They've put so much work into me, their time, their energy, their care.... I will not throw that away.  Funny thing is, while I still *need* my therapist multiple times a week, I've managed to taper back with my dietitian, and see her every three weeks.  And it's working pretty well, actually!  Maybe I have made more progress at that inner motivation than I thought....

And you know what?  I actually don't want to throw away the time and effort I've put in, either.  Yes, it's tempting, at times, to let myself sink back into my old ways, and I had a recent spell with that unwelcome visitor that I'm still recovering from.... but.... I'm not gonna throw it all away, either.  My hair finally stopped falling out in handfuls only a few months ago.  I am coming off the best school year ever.  All because I've been working at keeping recovery. 

So maybe there have been changes in my motivation to recover.... maybe it really is starting to switch to internal motivation after all.........