Sunday, September 20, 2015

Almost Famous

I love this movie.  It happened to be on today when I got home,  and when I turned to the channel, this scene was playing.  I love this scene.  There are so many things I love about this scene.  On so many levels.

I am a Kate Hudson fan, and always have been.  She sends a very positive message to the world, and while I know TV is not real at all, she comes across as a person who would make for a good friend.

This.  Scene.  Where William yells at Penny Lane about the Real World, and the confusion all the rules and sayings and nicknames.... I get it.  While this movie is completely fictitious, the idea of being in a false reality, as in on tour with the band, is familiar.  The rules of this "world" and all the sayings and such?  I get it.  And I get why William is mad.  He sees the potential.

I've lived in this world.  I think I still do.

For years, I participated in a sport that was more expensive than I could afford.  I was literally surrounded by people who dropped $15K a weekend, and purchased horses worth more than a new car.  I lived in that fantasy world for years.  At first, I loved it.  But deep down, I knew I didn't fit.  I tried.  I tried hard to fit.  And there were times, moments like Penny's reaction at the end of the clip, where I swallowed the "this isn't right" and "I know I am worth more" feeling and shoved ahead, even though I knew there was a better place for me in the world.

I relied on humor a lot back then, and I'm finding myself relying, once again, on humor as I navigate my new world.  Yes, my new world.  My new job that I began this summer required a massive change of venue, and a huge shift in working overall.

All good.  All good for sure.

Except.  Once again, I feel like the end of this scene, where no matter what Penny is thrown, she will always, always, always smile through the tears, lighten the situation, and not let it get to her.  But I saw her face.  I saw her reaction.  The tears.  The brief but powerful shift of her gaze.  I recognized it.  Cause I do it.

And this new job?  Yes, it's my dream job.  And yes, I love it.  But I feel like an outsider in the "real world" of this community.  I do have a commonality with everyone, which is good, but.... the rules... the nicknames.... the sayings..... the confusion..... the inner hurt because I don't get it.  It's outside of my knowledge base.  And it makes me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself.

Here's the thing.  Everyone has said if I have questions, feel free to ask.  And I have asked questions, and people have patiently explained and clarified.  And like in the movie, everything in the end comes around, through the road blocks and confusion, there is a sense of peace as the credits roll.

Right now, though, I'm in the end of the scene.  The first few weeks of school were crazy, and it would have been no shock to anyone if I broke down at all.  What people don't know is that on the inside, I was frustrated to the point of tears.  But on the outside, I was smiling and cracking jokes.  And keeping everyone shielded from any emotion that wasn't positive.

I'm really getting tired of smiling through those tears.  Really tired.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

When You've Got it All....

and you still feel like crud......

Then you'd be me.

Cause right now, my life is really, really good.  My new job is ah-may-zing.  Seriously.  I am up well before my alarm goes off for the first time in years.  And my alarm now goes off early!  I have already faced many challenges at work, and yet, working through them has not deterred me from loving my new position.

While my new colleagues have me up on a pedestal right now, I know that the truth is, I'm walking with them, not ahead of them.  They just don't realize it.  And for every time they try to push me onto that pedestal, I lift them right up there with me.

The kids, though I don't have my own class, have been inspiring and motivating.  There is such a vibe at this new school, unlike any school I've been in before.  I love it there, even with the challenges and flaws, it's already feeling like home, and it's only been a month.

But inside.  Eating disordered behaviors are surfacing again, and I didn't even realize it.  I've been watching the depression creep up, slowly at first, and rapidly the last week or so, until now, where I'm buried in it again.  My doctor is worried.  My therapist hasn't figured this out yet, I am that good at hiding it.  My dietitian is on to me, though.

The worst part is that I actually have no reason whatsoever to feel this way.  Walking into school every morning, I'm invigorated.  The opportunities I've already been given, in this first month of school?  I know that I'm in the right place, where my talents are embraced and utilized.  I finally feel a sense of contentment.  I'm with my "peeps" who accept me and all of my quirks, just as I am.

And yet.  I am depressed.  Again.

Will this cycle ever end?

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Thankful Thursdays - Year 3

Day 251 - Thursday 9/3/15 -  Had a blast teaching a lesson to a group of kids, who while they aren't my students, it didn't matter - they listened and we all had fun learning!

Day 250 - Wednesday 9/2/15 -  Learned that smiling through tears for all these years paid off - I can now smile through challenges, too.

Day 249 - Tuesday 9/1/15 - Pulled off a great surprise for some old colleagues today, that made a lot of people smile, which in turn, made me smile.

Day 248 - Monday 8/31/15 - First day of school with students, the exhilaration of my new school outweighed the sadness of not having my own crew this year.

Day 247 - Sunday 8/30/15 - I love the joy in my new position, and the flexibility and freedom I have to be me.

Day 246 - Saturday 8/29/15 - The most wonderful time of year around here!  The Cider Mill opened!

Day 245 - Friday 8/28/15 - Feeling accomplished from the past week of workshops, and ready to tackle the new year!