Almost Famous

I love this movie.  It happened to be on today when I got home,  and when I turned to the channel, this scene was playing.  I love this scene.  There are so many things I love about this scene.  On so many levels.

I am a Kate Hudson fan, and always have been.  She sends a very positive message to the world, and while I know TV is not real at all, she comes across as a person who would make for a good friend.

This.  Scene.  Where William yells at Penny Lane about the Real World, and the confusion all the rules and sayings and nicknames.... I get it.  While this movie is completely fictitious, the idea of being in a false reality, as in on tour with the band, is familiar.  The rules of this "world" and all the sayings and such?  I get it.  And I get why William is mad.  He sees the potential.

I've lived in this world.  I think I still do.

For years, I participated in a sport that was more expensive than I could afford.  I was literally surrounded by people who dropped $15K a weekend, and purchased horses worth more than a new car.  I lived in that fantasy world for years.  At first, I loved it.  But deep down, I knew I didn't fit.  I tried.  I tried hard to fit.  And there were times, moments like Penny's reaction at the end of the clip, where I swallowed the "this isn't right" and "I know I am worth more" feeling and shoved ahead, even though I knew there was a better place for me in the world.

I relied on humor a lot back then, and I'm finding myself relying, once again, on humor as I navigate my new world.  Yes, my new world.  My new job that I began this summer required a massive change of venue, and a huge shift in working overall.

All good.  All good for sure.

Except.  Once again, I feel like the end of this scene, where no matter what Penny is thrown, she will always, always, always smile through the tears, lighten the situation, and not let it get to her.  But I saw her face.  I saw her reaction.  The tears.  The brief but powerful shift of her gaze.  I recognized it.  Cause I do it.

And this new job?  Yes, it's my dream job.  And yes, I love it.  But I feel like an outsider in the "real world" of this community.  I do have a commonality with everyone, which is good, but.... the rules... the nicknames.... the sayings..... the confusion..... the inner hurt because I don't get it.  It's outside of my knowledge base.  And it makes me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself.

Here's the thing.  Everyone has said if I have questions, feel free to ask.  And I have asked questions, and people have patiently explained and clarified.  And like in the movie, everything in the end comes around, through the road blocks and confusion, there is a sense of peace as the credits roll.

Right now, though, I'm in the end of the scene.  The first few weeks of school were crazy, and it would have been no shock to anyone if I broke down at all.  What people don't know is that on the inside, I was frustrated to the point of tears.  But on the outside, I was smiling and cracking jokes.  And keeping everyone shielded from any emotion that wasn't positive.

I'm really getting tired of smiling through those tears.  Really tired.

Standing Out vs Being Noticed

I was driving in turtle-speed traffic this afternoon when I noticed a lime green sporty-type car that was impossible to miss.  Which got me thinking.  Stand out or be noticed?  What's the difference?

I used to want a bright purple car.  I (obviously) love purple, and I wanted to not lose my car in parking lots.  At the time I had a boring silver car, that was similar to probably 70% of cars in most parking lots.  I always lost that car in the parking lot, and since it didn't have the remote keyless entry, there was no clicking of the lock button to get the horn to honk and alert me to it's location.

I wanted a purple car so I wouldn't lose it.  I never realized that a car like that would most definitely be noticed. 

So I started thinking.  When you stand out, it's your actions that make you stand out, who you are makes you stand out.  It's putting together a presentation that is so far above and beyond what anyone else did, just because you had that much fun with the task, and were able to use all your skills to present the material.  You're not doing it to get noticed, you're doing it cause it's something you genuinely love to do and share.

I feel like when you want to be noticed, you do things in order to be seen, like buy a lime green car.  Or in my case, it would have been buying a purple car, though I didn't think of it that way at the time.  Being noticed, I think, is equal to what kids say is being a show off.  It's doing things specifically for attention.   

As I type this, I realize this has everything to do with my new job.  Everything.

See, I know I stand out when it comes to my gift of teaching.  It is something I was born with, an ability that I didn't have to learn, it was always just there.  Because it was a g-d given talent, and one I truly love, I continue to learn and grow and hone my skills.  This makes me stand out.  This also makes me uncomfortable.  Cause I didn't choose this gift.  I didn't ask to be *that* skilled here.  It is just who I am.  And the idea of taking and sharing this?  I feel like people might think I'm showing off or trying to be noticed, when that couldn't be farther from the truth.  For 14 years I was content teaching behind a closed door, doing my thing, reaching my students in ways no other had done so.  

This is part of what makes me uncomfortable.  I have a gift, a talent, per say, that is one not many around me possess.  I am more than happy to share, to teach, to support those in their quest to grow stronger in this area.  However, I don't feel like that makes me special, and the fact that it does indeed make me stand out makes me uncomfortable.  Ironically, this is basically the crux of my new job, so I better start getting used to standing out in this area.....

Gulp.

All The Wrong Reasons

It's Saturday evening.  This morning I had a meeting, and then went to the bakery before grocery shopping and heading home.

The first thought in my mind when I got back into the car after grocery shopping?

I am SO excited that I don't have to leave the house until Monday!

One might say, "well, yeah, you had a ridiculously insane week of work, no wonder you're excited about staying in!"

Except..... this is an all-too-common sentiment.  Not having to leave the house.  My inner turtle is coming out.  I'm heading into hibernation.  I'm burying my head in the pillow and praying for a pajama day.  I'm letting depression win.  I'm tuning the world out whenever possible.  I'm pathetic.  I'm hiding.

Or maybe I just need a break.  And all those other things?  Maybe they're old excuses.  Maybe I'm actually listening to my overly tired and achy body for once, and not resisting the need to relax and recharge.

I don't know.
Guess it doesn't matter, either.
All I know is that I am excited I don't have to leave the house until Monday.
Pathetic or not, sometimes, you gotta take the smiles from wherever they may be.

As if.....

A lot has happened in the last seven days.  A LOT.  I love my job, I love where I work, but this year has been a real roller coaster in terms of expectation shifts.  And in terms of good old basic respect of one another.  Recent news has required me to act as if what has been said is no bother, has no impact, and does not even enter my zone of concern.  On the inside, though, with every bit of news, a part of me feels like it's dying. 

Part of recovery has meant trying things that I am not comfortable with.  It's meant stretching out of my comfort zone on so many occasions.  It's meant doing what feels impossible.  It's meant doctor's appointments and therapy appointments and dietitian appointments that are painful as painful gets.

But nothing hurts as much as having to pretend everything is fine, even though everyone around you knows it's not.  Pretending that the announcement that was just made isn't going to cause a major recovery setback.  Pretending that you're going to be just fine, when inside, you're ready to give up, and everyone around you is watching for your reaction. 

I've gotten quite good at acting over the years, it's part of my job, and it's usually useful.  I am so appreciative that today all that practice acting paid off.

Challenge 13, Part 3: Shelter

Image by Julie De Waroquier

This week's blog challenge offered several different images from which we could choose, and then share our interpretation of the image.  It's been interesting for me to read about everyone's different perspective on the images! The photographer was completely new to me, and I've become quite taken with several of her pieces.  If you haven't heard of Julie De Waroquier, I encourage you to take a peek at this French photographer's site.

The image above is called Shelter, and it is probably my second favorite to the tree image.  I found myself often taking shelter from the world in the pages of a book.  To this day, I still find shelter within the pages of books (well, books unrelated to work!) as it is so comforting to get lost in a world where you know everything is already taken care of, and all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

There is something safe about taking shelter in a book, about how it protects my mind from my own intrusive thoughts, at least while I'm within the pages of the story.  Something about how my world is calmer, as I'm lost in the story, instead of lost in my real, somewhat frightening world.  One can take the literal term for shelter from this image, but one can also take that figurative route, and be distracted by the comfort and security within another's words, instead of the tragic and traumatic words of our on minds......

Week 22: Harboring Emtions

Hmm.... Where do I hold my emotions.  I guess a better question is where don't I hold them?  My emotions like to get stuffed into my stomach, creating a mess in the digestion department.  They like to hide in my heart and chest, trying to convince me I'm having a heart attack (I'm smarter than those darn emotions, though!)  They like to hang out in my neck, and they hate when I see my chiropractor, because he crashes their party there.  Same with my low back.  My emotions pretty much hate my chiropractor, because he tries to crash any party they've planned in any part of my body.

It used to be easy to keep my emotions in check.  I just kept stuffing them down, eating my emotions instead of food.  That worked for a long time, too.  Except for one problem.  When I ate too many emotions, and too little food, well, the emotions snuck out of my pores and created a rather uncomfortable situation upon their escape.  That, and my body needed to eat more than emotions, despite what my brain thought.

Now I'm working through this terrifying process of actually expressing emotions instead of eating them.  I should say, appropriately expressing them.  It is not easy work, though my therapist has said that it does get a little easier over time.  Right now it's such a new skill, like, say, learning how to ride a skateboard, that I've got a lot of scrapes, bumps, and bruises all over.  But I'm trying.  And waiting for the easier part to arrive!

Arielle's Word of the Day: FACE

June Blog Challenge Day 24: FACE

I wrote a poem a little over a year ago called Who do you see? that was all about what I believe others see in my face verses what I see.  At that point, I was still in denial that food was any part of my problems and was in a pretty painful place at the time.  I've been surprised at how many times poems have appeared in my journal.  They seem to flow on their own accord.  What I see on the screen when I pause has often been startling, if only because it's brutally honest.  I'd like to say that the pain behind this poem is no longer there, but that wouldn't be honest.  I planned to share it in this post, and have it saved separately, in case I change my mind, but for now, I am just not ready to let other eyes linger over the words.

Instead, here is an image that I think fits rather well.  I tend to view my body, especially my face, with very skewed perception.  Of my whole body, my face is what I like the least. After 30 some years on this planet, you'd think I'd be used to the reflection in the mirror by now!  Every once in a while, a special occasion comes along and I actually get hair and makeup done.  When that happens, and I look in the mirror, I don't recognize the person staring back at me.  That person is pretty.  That person fits in with society's expectations of what women should look like.  My every day face?  It just takes too much work to make it look socially acceptable.  And sometimes I'd rather just stay home than make the effort to get ready to be seen in public.

I really do hope that one day, I can see myself as others do.

Prompt: Just as we all have soul, we all have a face. What do you see when you look into your own eyes? Or maybe the word “face” conjures up a visual of another who has been kind to you, or mean to you. Let your mind go free and let the word “face” tell you what to share today.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: CROWD

June Blog Challenge Day 12: CROWD

I have two siblings, both younger.  They both love being around people.  They love being the center of attention.  In fact, I actually kind of enjoy watching them when they're in their element, because they really do shine!

Me?  People?  Not so much.  I don't enjoy being in crowded places.  I actually avoid situations where I know there will be lots of people.  One year, I had a last minute gift to pick up from the mall at the holiday time.  My least favorite time to shop (yes, I'm one of those people who usually has my holiday shopping done by Halloween, if only to avoid the crowds!) I actually spent like $15 on valet just so I didn't have to walk through the crowded parking lot, and instead could pull up right to the door of the mall nearest the store I needed, ran in, got what I needed, and ran out.  Parking that day cost me more than $1 a minute.

I know I'm not alone when I say this... but it doesn't matter how big of a crowd I'm in, I always feel alone.  Mind you, I don't consider myself to be very lonely, I'm just really good at being alone.  Even when surrounded by lots of people.  Yes, I have a lot of anxiety which is worsened when it's crowded.  But I think it's more that my head has always been so crowded with my thoughts, that there has never been much room for other people.  I'm so self-conscious and acutely aware of just how different I am, I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, I don't know how to be comfortable around others.  Yet.

The nice thing is that I'm learning to deal with my anxiety, and with the constant stream of thoughts that are never in short supply.  Maybe one day I won't mind crowds.  Maybe it's something I'll live with for the rest of my life.  But I don't have to make that decision right now, my head is too crowded with other things!

Prompt: Do you like crowds? Hate them?  Do you feel happy in a crowd or alone? Does a crowd cause anxiety? Why do you  think this is? Let your mind open when you see this word and go from there.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: INVISIBLE

June Blog Challenge Day 2: Invisible

I almost always felt invisible growing up.  That began a lifestyle that I maintain to this day, and one that I am finally trying to change.  Being invisible meant that I blended in, and didn't make waves.  I called little attention myself (I hated being the center of attention!) and preferred to work in small groups.  The more people around, the more invisible I became.  As an adult, things haven't changed much.  I still hate making waves.  I still hate calling attention to what I am doing.  I still prefer being forgotten about and left to my own devices.  I still hate large groups, the only thing they're good for is hiding.

I was just talking with someone about my so-called-secrets, ones I keep invisible from the rest of my world.  I know that everyone has things that are personal, and not shared outside of a select few.  For me, more of my life is private than public, and that isn't always the best way to live.  Yes, invisibility is definitely one of my coping mechanisms.  Sometimes I pretend that some of my challenges are invisible, and try to ignore them.  That has yet to work.  In fact, it's backfired on me.  It's only helped hide my ed, and other issues that need to be brought to light in order to change.

I'm not afraid to be invisible because it keeps me safe.  I am afraid to be visible.  I am afraid that if people get to know the real me, they'll run from the room screaming.  I'm afraid of what will happen when I finally break through this pattern and step into the world.  A part of me would love to live life solo, hiding behind clothes and work... but a bigger part of me knows that the world has too many opportunities, and to hide, to live invisibly for the rest of my life?  That would mean missing out on a lot.  The question is, am I going to be able to change what has been so ingrained?  Only time will tell...

Prompt: Have you felt this way? Do you  feel this way? Is this ridiculous because you feel SO the opposite of  invisible? Are you afraid to be seen? Are you afraid to BE invisible? Does  this word remind you of being a kid? What does  this word mean for YOU?