Picture Day

There is one day of the year where parents win the battle of what to wear, brushed hair, and washed faces.  Picture Day.  It's the day everyone in elementary school panics, making sure the kids get their pictures snapped before they head to gym or recess, so they don't muss up their appearance for the day.
Recently, my school experienced our annual picture day.  400 shiny, smiley faces, all dolled up, patiently waited for their class to be called.  Interspersed between the class photos, teachers and staff members slipped in, cringing as they sat on the stool in front of the back drop, waiting for the camera flash to pass, and comparing this year's picture with the pictures of colleagues nearby.

This year marked the 30th school picture in a row.  In a row.  Yup.  I've been in school since I was in kindergarten, and without missing a year, my picture has been taken every year since.  All of elementary school, all of junior high, all of high school, all of college, and since I went straight from college to the classroom, I truly never missed a year.

Part of me wants to have all of those pictures in my hands right now, so I can line them up and compare how adorable I was as a child, to how absolutely and completely anti-adorable I am as an adult.  It would be a great excuse for a beat-the-crap-out-of-me session that could span many hours.  Productive?  Nope.  But likely exactly what would happen should I get my hands on all 30 pictures.

Another part of me wants to compare the last 12 years worth of pictures, all my years in the classroom as a teacher, and see what changes I notice.  Unfortunately, that will also result in a less-than-pleasant me-bashing experience.

Like many recovering from eating issues, appearance is a sticking point for me.  I whole heartedly believe the lies I tell myself - that I am hideous, a monster, a mirror-breaker, that my appearance makes me impossible to befriend, much less love.

I know they're lies, logically.  My therapist reminds me that they are lies I tell myself, and that I've been telling them to myself
for so long, I now believe them, even though they logically don't fit.  I know that.  I mean, I head into the grocery store and no one avoids me in the aisles.  I walk into school and no one - kids included - run from me.  I guess I don't look that bad outside, even if that's how I feel on the inside.

This year, picture day was a very reflective one.  Looking at my picture, I kinda didn't recognize the person looking back at me.  That person is put together, coordinated in dress, a warm smile, and wrinkly eyes that show laughter.  That person looks like someone who knows what they're doing.  It looks like someone who can take charge and accomplish things.

Which is what I kinda do.....

So while it IS most definitely my picture, and this IS what others see when they see me..... what's it gonna take for me to see the "me" that they see?  What's it gonna take for me to shut down the lies, once and for all, and replace them with truths?  Something has to change.  And while picture day might not ever be a favorite day, one day, hopefully, I will look at my school picture and go "oh, yeah, I like that person!"

Thankfully, I have a long career ahead of me, with many more picture days to practice!

Winning

You know that feeling when someone says "we need to talk?"  

The stomach drop, pulse racing, heart pounding feeling that makes you think, or at least makes me think

"What did I do this time?"

I've actually said that many, many times.  It's my standard response, especially at work.  Whenever the principal needs to speak to me, my instant response is "what did I do this time?" even though I very well did nothing wrong whatsoever, and it's a simple question or brief conversation about some professional thing.  I didn't realize how often I use the "what did I do this time?" response each day.  At least once, maybe twice.  Even if I don't speak it, I think it.

Well, today I came up with a new response.

Instead of "what did I do this time?"

I'm going to give

"What did I win?" 

a chance.

If anything, it will likely elicit a brief giggle and smile, and even if it is an uh-oh conversation, at least it will start with a smile.  And considering the grant funds I've "won" over the past ten months?  Who knows? Maybe I will have won something else!

At What Expense?

The other day I was in the bathroom and I started thinking.  I know.  TMI.  But this isn't actually one of *those* thinking bathroom moments.

I'm kinda into helping the environment.  I try my best to purchase eco-friendly products and products that use eco-friendly packaging.  I often toss only one bag of trash a month, and about 4 bags of recycling.  I reduce, reuse, and recycle as much as I can.  I also turn off the faucet when I brush my teeth so as not to waste water.

And..... for the past several years, I've lived by the motto "if it's yellow, let it mellow, if it's brown...." (Thank you, Falkers.)  Just recently, I realized that in doing so, my toilet gets dirty fast.  Easy, you may think, just clean it more frequently.  Except I despise cleaning.  Seriously.  If I could get a self-cleaning house I'd spend my savings on it.  This realization is what kicked off the following thought process.

At what expense am I trying to "save" the Earth?  Considering my taste for cleaning, the whole "let it mellow" idea means I either have an overly gross toilet, or I clean it every 3 days.  For the last few years, I've had a rather unsightly toilet.  At what expense?

For the last 20-some years, I've gone out of my way to help those in my life.  I've learned to anticipate their needs, be prepared for whatever they may ask me to do, and essentially, I chameleon-ed myself to be exactly who they needed in whatever situation I was in.  At what expense?

In my building, I've become the go-to person for technology trouble shooting.  My colleagues will call me whenever they need something (whether or not I'm teaching at the moment doesn't seem to matter) and have emailed requests to me at all hours of the day and night.  And for the last 11 years, I've indulged nearly every request.  At what expense?

My eating disorder was an unknown secret for many years before it became "un-hideable" and I was "encouraged" to get help.  That eating disorder helped me feel in control of an out-of-control world.  It made me feel like I had some semblance of balance, of control in my life.  Therefore I put myself through a series of miserable food-related challenges that proved to be nothing good whatsoever, yet they made me feel in control.  At what expense?

I am the oldest child in my family.  My parents raised me in a way that trained me to be afraid of everything and everyone they didn't approve of.  They trained me to be the *angel* child, who always did what I was told, always could be counted on to help at family functions, be it setting the table, preparing food, or serving guests (while my siblings were off doing who knows what.)  I always conformed, without question.  At what expense?

There is a secret that I've held on to since I was in my early teens.  It is a secret so big and so terrifying, that I've very rarely allowed it to float into my consciousness, and when it happened to make it to the surface, I put 100% of my energy into vanishing it into the darkness once again.  This secret has plagued my dreams, my thoughts, my choices, essentially, my life.  It was as if I held a concealed weapon in my mind.  At what expense.

So many things in my life have been rather costly.  Whether it was my choice or it was something imposed on me that I accepted as truth...... I paid the price for so many "purchases" that had I been thinking, had I been given the choice and the time to reason, I probably wouldn't have "bought."  Though it wasn't money that was spent, the expense was much grater.  My self-worth, my self-image, my self-confidence, even my health - all were things with which I paid dearly.

I know that some of these situations, these so called "expenses" were out of my control at the time.  Some of them could have been in my control, had I used the tools to help me make better choices that weren't so costly.  At the time, though, these purchases must have served some purpose.

Now?  I'm done spending myself in unhelpful ways.  It isn't going to be easy to change my "shopping" habits, but it will be worth it in the end........

Like a Girl

I have always struggled with being a girl.  I've never been a fan of that monthly-ish gift that visits.  Or the soreness that arrives with it.  Or the cramps.  Or the headaches.  Or the mood swings.  Or the fact that to be considered socially acceptable, I have to spend hours each summer shaving my legs. 

I've often been envious of males solely because they don't have to shave their legs to be socially acceptable, they can have a beard and avoid shaving all together if they so choose, with no repercussions.  They don't have to spend hard earned money every month to take care of their so-called-gift.  They don't deal with body soreness or cramps every four weeks like clockwork.

This morning, something had me almost ready to say "I'm proud to be a girl."

Watch it, and let me know what you think.

I'm thinking that I'll be able to utter those words rather soon, I hope.......

What do you do like a girl?

Day 11: Sell Yourself!

Oh boy.  Here goes nothin'....... Selling me, in 10 words or less:

Day 11 Prompt: Sell yourself in 10 words or less.

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 15

15. What does your weight/body image mean to you? How has your body image changed throughout recovery - has it gotten harder or easier to deal with?

It still means too much to me.  At least my weight does.  And my weight is inexplicably tied to my self-esteem, which is inexplicably tied to my body image.

Honestly, my body image has suffered as recovery has strengthened.  It's gotten a lot harder to deal with the false reality I've convinced myself is true.  My eating disorder kept my emotions and feelings buried.  And I liked it that way.  It was as if my eating disorder was the cork that kept things bottled up.

Now that recovery is part of my vocabulary, there isn't anything keeping those feelings and emotions buried.  Instead, I have to handle them as they arise, which is something I don't do well.  At least not yet.  Because those emotions are now free flowing, and I'm feeling everything, my self-esteem is suffering more, and my body image is worse.

I know that will change over time, I mean, I lived with an eating disorder for more than half my life, and I've only been working towards recovery for a year and a half.  More than that, my recovery has been stable for nearly six months.  It's going to take time to undo all the bad habits that were built up over this life of mine.

So while at the moment, things feel worse, and are much harder than the were before recovery, I know that things will be better, much better, down the road......

Be Nice

Challenge 7, Part 2: Beauty

I love this quote, because it so succinctly speaks the truth: we've as a society have given so much power to the media, that we're not comfortable with what we see in the mirror unless it's what the media portrays.  At least, I know I'm not.  I loathe the skin I'm in for all of the pain it's caused me.  I'm working on improving my self image, and one day hope I can use the word beautiful when referring to myself.

It's one thing to have outer beauty, but to have that inner beauty is where I think the true comfort comes from.  I know that we all look around and judge others on their appearances, but we don't know their story, we don't know what they've been through, and they might be just as self conscious as we are, they might not like the person under the make up and clothing, either.  Inner beauty?  Comfortable in your own skin?  Definitely still my goal.

Challenge 4, Part 4: Self Respect

Please respect me as an introvert.  I'm trying to respect me as an introvert, too.

"The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others on how you 

demand to be treated.  Don't settle for anything other than respect."

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no 

longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

"Cutting people out of my life does not mean 

I hate them, it simply means I respect me."

I wish I could give credit to whoever spoke the words above.  

My therapist has helped me see how powerful self respect is, and how hard it can be to uphold.  I have a very hard time being around my parents, as I am often the wrongful target of their anger and frustration. Now when the attacks begin, I leave.  When they confront me for leaving later, I can now tell them, just because I left doesn't mean I don't love you. In my head, the second part of that sentence is I am just learning to love myself more.  Like I said - a year and a half later, and 9 out of 10 times, I can remove myself from the situation that is not healthy or respectful.  Yes it's hard.  Yes I often call my therapist in tears as soon as I leave.  But it's a step in the direction of self respect.  And that's the place in which I'd like to live.

Challenge 4, Part 3: Self Confidence

Can you tell this week's topics have been a bit of a struggle for me?  I guess though, that thing Arielle has said, about struggle being a good thing?  That would make this one good week for me!

Self confidence... I really don't know what to say.  I could pretty much duplicate the post on self-esteem, cause it all applies here, too.  What can I say, I had a pretty interesting childhood, ok?  My past shaped the person I am today.  Which, now that I think about it, is a person with some self confidence in one area: teaching.

Put me in front of a room full of children and I am in my element.  Even better, put me in a room full of children with technology (that is reliable and functional!) and I'll be able to make some magic happen.  Or, more likely, those kids will be making magic happen by the time they leave.  My secret?  Treat the kids like they are valuable.  Like they matter.  Like their ideas and questions are worth listening to.  In other words, I treat my students the way I wish I was treated.

Then things come to a screeching halt, cause for some reason, when it comes to doing exactly that, treating myself the way I treat my students?  I lose all confidence and it becomes impossible to do.  Can you hear the irony knocking?

I've been told this recovery process can make miracles happen.  Hopefully one of those miracles will find me receiving the gift of self confidence.  Problem is, I know the gift giver.  And she's not very fond of me.  Hopefully that changes, too.