Normal?

I've been contemplating normal again.  I've spent time with the idea of normal before, so it's nothing new, but.... always good for reflection.

Normal can change.  What is normal at one point in your life can change to a new normal years later.  That's ok.  Normal is not something stagnant.  Technically the dictionary defines normal as an adjective that means "conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected."  It's also defined as a noun meaning "the usual, average, or typical state or condition."

Reading both of those definitions makes me cringe...... because neither of them fit.  Not even close.  I struggle to conform to standards, even at school - I do things different enough to make a difference, but not different enough to get noticed.  Who am I kidding.  It's noticed.  It's frequently noted that I do things differently, and for the most part, no one seems to mind.  Except me.

I am not the usual or typical.  I don't dress like most of my peers do.  I don't enjoy the same activities that are typical or expected of my peer group.  I never have.  I am far from average in many areas - sometimes above average, sometimes below average, sometimes on a whole different planet than average.

I am not normal.
But I am me.

My therapist says that being me is a good thing. Normal is not a requirement to be a good person.  You don't need to be normal to care, to grow, to learn, to change.  You don't even need to be normal to make a difference.  In my case, at least, I just need to be me.

But more than that, I really want to like me.  And I don't.  At least not yet.  There are too many things about me that I am embarrassed by, ashamed of, or afraid to acknowledge out in the world.  I'd rather hide.  I'd rather hide my shameful bits, my embarrassing secrets, and fade into the crowd.

I know that's impossible.  I've spent so much of my life trying to hide, trying to blend in, when the reality is that it just makes me stand out even more.  I just choose to ignore that fact.  Cause I still think that I am hiding everything, when really, I'm only hiding it from myself.  And unsuccessfully at that.

It's time to stop striving for normal and instead, strive to just be me.

Challenge 11, Part 1: YOU

This quote speaks so loudly to me I need earplugs.  Tracey, over at Just As I Am, posted this in the comments of one of my other posts, and I think I heard my heart sigh, as someone finally put into words what I feel nearly every moment of every day that I am out in public. 

"Being" normal is EXHAUSTING.  Seriously.  Trying to keep the facade that life is rolling along smoothly, that I really do know what I'm doing.... no wonder I get home from work every day and could crawl right into bed.  I don't, though, because a "normal" person gets home from work, eats dinner, relaxes for a bit, and only then do they go to bed.

Sigh..... I know normal is really just a setting on the washer, but sometimes I wish it were really that simple.

Challenge 7, Part 1: Beauty

Beauty... I feel like I've spent a good deal of time on this topic, and may end up repeating a quote or two here and there.  But to start, I think this quote is so incredibly powerful.  We all need to keep in mind that Beauty is not a single definition.  It is really not definable, because every individual has their own idea of beauty.  The media has placed their spin on what "socially acceptable beauty" is, but the reality of it is that less than 8% of the population fit the media's definition.  I don't know about you, but I'm working on my own way to define beauty.  And size has no place in my definition.

The B word...

An article came across my twitter feed today that has me thinking.  A lot.  And not about stuff I wanted to think about.... About stuff I've been trying really, really hard to avoid thinking about.

Body Image.

I'm not a fan of my body.  I know I don't "fit in" with how society thinks I should look.  I did... until I was about 9 years old.  Then puberty hit.  It hit me hard.  And I've been hard on myself ever since.

I know I should just accept my body as it is and move on, but I can't.  I'm sure there are millions of people that deal with what I deal with, and I truly don't know how they do it.  I just know that I don't do it well.  At all.
 
I'm rather tired of living in this body. I know I shouldn't be.  Instead, I should be grateful that I have a body that works, despite a few hiccups.  I have legs and feet that will carry me wherever I want.  I have clear vision (as long as my glasses are on) and good hearing and I can smell chocolate chip cookies baking a block away.  I can talk.  I can read.  I can draw.  I can type.  I can think.  I can breathe.  I can teach.  I can make people smile.  I can make people laugh.  I can be a good listener.  I can make magic happen on computers... I can do all sorts of things, actually.

Why can't I be grateful for that?  I mean, I have sooooo many good things going for me... Why do I let this "image" issue create such chaos for me?  It makes everything hard.  I seem to be the only person that has a problem with the way I look, too.  No one ever says anything to me, but.... they don't need to.  I say it to myself.

Here's a link to the article... the title itself says a lot: Stop Fighting Against Yourself and Start Fighting for Yourself

Waiting for Normal

I read a great book this summer called Waiting for Normal and I just love the title!  (I also loved the book, and recently picked up a copy of it so I can reread it whenever I'd like.)  While the book is targeted at young adults, and really is quite different than my life, it does have some parallels that made me think...

I have NO IDEA what normal is.  I don't know that it even exists outside the dictionary.  I do know that my "idea" of "normal" is very skewed and warped.  For example, I think it's normal not to drink anything for days cause I don't get thirsty.  (Not normal.)  I also think it's normal that I don't get hungry and eat only because I have a little alarm set to go off several times a day that reminds me it's time to eat.  (Not normal.)

The thing is, there are a lot of things that I did think were normal, at least for me, but it turns out, they're not...  I figured it was no big deal to get a little dizzy every morning when I got out of bed.  Figured that the quick movement from laying comfortably in bed to standing would cause that near-syncope to happen.  Thought I just needed to move slower and have a glass of water.  (This is very NOT normal, by the way.)

I also thought it was pretty normal to always feel slightly achy in your body.  Like, my shoulder hurts 24/7, but it's a dull throb, so I just learned to ignore it.  Same with my lower back.  And my wrist.  And my knee.  Figured that it's just part of life to ache constantly, and you just learn to live with it.  (Again, this is far from normal....)

Come to find out, that it is possible to live without that constant ache.  It is normal to live without physical pain.  It is normal to wake up in the morning and go about your day without any worry of fainting.  It is normal to get thirsty, to get hungry, to have occasional aches and pains.

I've always known I'm not normal, but this was a shocking realization.  At least now that I know it's possible to live within the realm of normal, I now know what I'm shooting for...

Week 9: Where Are You Now?

Where am I now... 

let's see... 

I'm sitting on the couch,

wearing my jammies, 

watching TV. 

What? 

Oh.

That's not what you meant. 

Oh.

That's what you mean.

That is a much more complicated answer.

Where am I now... let's see...
I'm in a space where I love my job.  Really love it.  A year ago, I couldn't say that.  Six months ago I couldn't say that.  Heck, 3 months ago I couldn't say that.  But today, I can.  And I can mean it.  Cause I do love my job.  I love the energy that teaching children creates.  Nothing in the world quite like it.

I am not loving my struggle.  I know that struggles make us stronger, but I am certainly not enjoying the process.  I never thought I'd still be struggling like this, right now.  I figured that once school started, and once I was back in the routine of things and loving my job, that this struggle would be over.  Gone.  Fineto.  Finished.  And I'd be back to normal.

The roller coaster of life... as designed by the Santa Monica Pier.

Problem is, when it comes to this?  I've never been even close to normal.  Where I am now is better than where I was, but it isn't good enough.  It isn't close enough to normal.

Normally I don't like the word normal because normal for one person is not normal for another.  (Four times in one sentence!)  But in this case, normal applies to what the average person eats in a typical day.  Which is enough to sustain basic body function and energy levels and all that good stuff.  And in this case, I actually want to be normal, but I'm not there, at least not yet.

Right now I'm trying to work my way up the confidence ladder.  I'm trying to see myself as others see me.  I'm trying to remember that the same rules apply wherever I go.  I'm trying to remember to take one step at a time.  I'm trying to focus on small moments, little successes, and baby steps.  I'm trying to find things to be happy about on this roller coaster called life.  I'm trying to embrace the gifts I've been given instead of hide from them.  I'm trying to grow up.  I'm trying become the person I was born to be.

"Growing up is full of big moments. Some of them you can 

see coming from a mile away; and some you can't see at all."

-- The Wonder Years