Remembering

When you close your eyes
and all you see is what you don't want to see.

The colors, textures, and scents
all fill your senses behind closed lids.

The memory has been packed up
tucked away behind the gate, boxed up, forgotten.

When you close your eyes
and it all comes flooding back.

The hours and weeks and months
working to put it behind you matter not.

Less than a minute was all it took
for the moment to return to consciousness.

Now it is all you see
when you close your eyes.

Fingers crossed, wishes on stars,
whatever you can do to put the memory away again.

The scents, breeze, piney and floral,
The colors, orange, tan, white, golden, and green.

The textures, clearly visible even now
wood grains, corduroy, denim, grassy, velvety, rough.

Maybe not today, or this week or month,
but back in the faded darkness, behind the gate, and into the box.

This memory will once again,
leave my consciousness and I will resume fighting, living, growing.

For now, closing my eyes
is going to mean working twice as hard to change the picture.

Covering up the scene,
replacing the colors, the scents, the textures.

And I will move forward
stronger than before, better able to live the life I am destined for.

Complicated

It's been a while since a song made it's way onto the blog, and there's no time like the present to pop one in right now.  Especially this one.  Life, right now, has become so complicated lately.  My mind is even fuller than usual (if that's even possible!) and that makes a lot of tasks more challenging than they need to be.

I know this is an old one, but it's a good one, at least in my mind....

Complicated by Avril Lavigne

 

Week 9: Where Am I Now?

PostSecret provided this goodie.

Right now....

I'm struggling.
I'm in the biggest challenge of my teaching career.
I'm feeling helpless.
I'm feeling ineffective.
I'm exhausted.
I'm in survival mode.
I'm trying to think outside the box.
I'm wishing things were different.
I'm trying to be patient.
I'm trying my best.
I'm trying to hold on to their smiles.
I'm trying to be kind to me.
I'm relying on my therapist's words.....
I'm trying to believe my therapist's words.....

Right now.....

Baseball as Metaphor for Life?

I'm sure it's been done before, many, many times.  But I haven't been able to think that way, or handle that way of thinking before.

Now I think I can.

Baseball.

Everyone is cheering for their team.  When their team does well, all is grand.  When their team doesn't.... that's a whole different story.

Pitchers do their best to pitch with the support of their fielders for those pitches that make contact.  The fielders are prepared for almost any scenario, as they practice, practice, practice!  Same goes for the pitchers and catchers.

But there's a variable.  The batter.
You can't always predict what the batter will do, despite statistics and analysis.  It's a bit of a wild card.

Like in life.

You can be prepared for everything you can possibly prepare for.  You can study your opponents.  You can practice your pitches.  You can run through plays on the field.

But until that batter, your opponent, steps into the batters box.... you won't know how it will all play out.

Like in life.

Where you try to be planned and prepared for your day, your week, your month.  Where you try to have preventions in place to avoid major catastrophes.  Where you try to take your knowledge of your routines, your job, your expectations, your community, and know how to participate in your world without too much worry. 

Sure, people worry about money and jobs and kids, but in general, you know that life is going to be pretty routine, or so you hope.

Until the next batter comes up.
And swings at your splitter.
And rocks the world that you've grown comfortable and knowledgeable in navigating.

What then?

Wordless.

Twice during 2012 I participated in blog challenges that involved posting daily for a full month.  (You can see them HERE and HERE.)  Daunting as it may sound, I actually found those challenges very motivating.  Not that I'd want to do it every month, but sometimes it seems to be helpful.... especially right now.

Cause I am finding myself at a loss for words lately.  Incapable of completing a thought, much less speaking a complete sentence.  That's what depression does sometimes, at least to me.  It robs me of my ability to express thoughts and words in a coherent manner.  And yes, this is making teaching rather interesting! Thank goodness for the nine-year-old's sense of humor!  I am confident they have been quite amused as of late.

What I'm finding interesting about this particular "loss-of-words" experience is that for the first time, it's not just my sentences that are incomplete.  This time, my thoughts are so erratic that they are often incomplete, too.  It's almost comical, one minute I'll be thinking about what I'm teaching after lunch, the next minute my grocery list gets mixed in, but only for a moment before I'm thinking about the book I'm reading.  It's exhausting!

The good news is that I know my ADHD brain is used to multiple thoughts moving through the grey matter at once.  Even better news is that like all rough times, this too shall pass. I just wish it would pass at a slightly faster pace!

As if.....

A lot has happened in the last seven days.  A LOT.  I love my job, I love where I work, but this year has been a real roller coaster in terms of expectation shifts.  And in terms of good old basic respect of one another.  Recent news has required me to act as if what has been said is no bother, has no impact, and does not even enter my zone of concern.  On the inside, though, with every bit of news, a part of me feels like it's dying. 

Part of recovery has meant trying things that I am not comfortable with.  It's meant stretching out of my comfort zone on so many occasions.  It's meant doing what feels impossible.  It's meant doctor's appointments and therapy appointments and dietitian appointments that are painful as painful gets.

But nothing hurts as much as having to pretend everything is fine, even though everyone around you knows it's not.  Pretending that the announcement that was just made isn't going to cause a major recovery setback.  Pretending that you're going to be just fine, when inside, you're ready to give up, and everyone around you is watching for your reaction. 

I've gotten quite good at acting over the years, it's part of my job, and it's usually useful.  I am so appreciative that today all that practice acting paid off.

Acts of Kindness

I've been having a really bad week.  Actually, it's been more like a really month.  Things are not going my way at all lately.  In fact, things are not even headed in my direction whatsoever these days.  And I've been working very hard to keep my crabbiness from seeping out.

Today, an excruciatingly long 13.5 hour day, was the longest day yet.  I came home absolutely exhausted and crabbier than ever.

Then I got my mail.

It's not usually all that exciting to get my mail.  Most of the time it's full of junk mail and offers for credit cards (which I consider junk mail, too.)

A few weeks back I had written a check and taken it with me to pay my massage therapist.  When I got to her office, the check had vanished.  Like completely and utterly gone.  I was baffled as I dumped the contents of my purse out in the lobby looking for the check that I had written only minutes before.  As I've been a long standing client, she had no problem with me paying next time, but I was still annoyed.  I searched my car, my house, retraced my steps walking from house to car to business.  Nothing.

Until I opened today's mail.  There was a hand addressed envelope from an address I didn't recognize.  Usually that means a solicitor or a realtor or something, but this time it was different.

It contained my first real smile in weeks.  A complete stranger found the check I had written and instead of ignoring it or throwing it away, they mailed it to me with a note.

A small act of kindness from a complete stranger..... maybe things are going to start looking up??

Stormy Weather

In life, there are huge storms, hurricanes, if you will, that uproot us at our core.  The destruction and devastation, in whatever form it takes, is pretty excruciating.

Then there are the storms, full of thunder and lightning, and maybe even some wild winds.  These storms definitely cause chaos, and wreak havoc in the moment, but their path of destruction is much smaller, requiring little more than righting patio furniture and picking up the sticks that have been strewn about the yard.

Finally, there are the breezes that blow through on a day to day basis.  You know the ones, right?  The breeze that makes an 82 degree day feel just perfect.  These do little more than cause a slight chill, or bring a nice refreshing breeze, making the wind chimes dance as they fill the space with music.

With all three of these "winds" the goal is that we as people learn to bend, no matter what the forces.  We are flexible, yet strong.  We have firm roots, so we stay within our space, yet, bending allows things to stay fluid, and even lets some of the old, decaying debris break off and blow away, leaving us ready to begin again.

Sometimes there's a rather lot of rebuilding (think: hurricane) that needs to happen, generally bringing people together to support each other.  Sometimes there's just a bit of clean up that needs to happen (think: storm) and then we're ready to go again.  Sometimes, there is nothing to do but enjoy the breeze.

Then there's me.  The person who falls apart at even the slightest breeze.  The person who turns a misty spring morning into gale force winds.  The person who doesn't bend, instead, painfully breaking into dozens of pieces.

That's where I am right now.  Facing a situation that in reality is a storm, but I'm acting as if it's a wild hurricane.  Do I like doing this?  No way.  But this "hurricane" reaction is how I tend to respond to every breeze that blows through.  It's pretty painful, breaking all the time.  I feel like I've been broken so many times where I was left to put myself back together alone, and I missed a few pieces.

This time is going to be different.  The hurricane has been downgraded to a storm.  And while, as usual, I'm picking up the pieces and putting myself together, this time, I have an instructional guide, and that..... that is making a huge difference.

Jumping in...

So, seems I've decided to jump back into the hole.  I have been spending a lot of time lately hanging around the hole, but I don't know that I've jumped back in willingly in a little while.  Looks like I'm back at chapter two...

What hole is this, you ask?  Well, let me explain....

There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: 

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters 

By Portia Nelson

Chapter I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.

(I visited the hole here back in February, too.......)

Challenge 12, Part 2: EMBRACE

I find this to be a VERY interesting concept.  Embracing pain?  Really?  Like those sharp, shooting pains that run down my right leg?  Or the dull ache that constantly resides in my right shoulder?  You seriously want me to embrace it?  Really?  You must be joking.

I can think of lots of other things I'd prefer to embrace.  Like a friend.  Or a puppy.  Or a pony.  Or a pillow.  But pain?  No thanks.

BUT.  If I do choose to embrace that pain, and it does indeed become fuel for this journeycalledlife, then maybe it is worth a go?

As one of those people who believes everything happens for a reason, I guess there IS a reason for pain, and maybe that reason is that it IS what provides fuel for this journeycalledlife that we are all on.  I guess that would give a little more positive purpose to the pain that placates me persistently.

Definitely something to munch on for a while......

Challenge 11, Part 2: YOU

This is so true.  I am in the middle of a pretty nasty visit from the deep depression fairies, and it sucks. It leaches the life out of me and I feel so guilty because I know that many others have it worse: more challenges than I face, more past hurts than I've had.  More of everything.  Yet here I am right now, miserably depressed.

This too shall pass......

Challenge 2, Part 1: Self Nurturing

I look at this week's topic and feel the same twinge of panic that I felt in addressing last week's topic on Self-Care and Self-Soothing.  They are all intertwined in my mind, and they are all strugglesome areas.

Self nurturing means the same thing as both self-care and self-soothing combined: They are all ways we need to take care of the self.  The difference in my mind is that nurturing is often seen more motherly, whereas self-care and self-soothing are more self-care.  Nurturing the self seems rather challenging, as I still sometimes wish I could be mothered the way in which "typical" kids are mothered, even though I'm a grown adult!

When I nurture others, which I do daily in my job as a grade school teacher, I am offering positive and constructive feedback, praise, encouragement, support, and loads of other things to my students, as a way of coaxing out the best "them" they can be.  There is lots of laughter and fun, and sometimes tears and unhappiness, but we work through those spots together, calmly and with care.  No child is ever made to feel less than for any reason - all abilities and differences are embraced.  I listen objectively and with an open-mind to all ideas, and we move forward collectively, yet each individual child is still at their own pace within the grand scheme of things.

Do I apply that same understanding, acceptance, patience, kindness, and compassion to myself?  No f*ing way.  But I'm starting to at least try, rather than avoid the self-nurturing piece all together, which is what I've done for years.  I lived in survival mode, and there just wasn't room for any of that self-nurturing, lovey-dovey crap.

I stop myself from caring about myself because I don't like myself.  I like others.  I love my students (in a teacherly sort of way) so I want to help them.  I don't love me (yet) so I don't want to help me.  I don't feel worthy of anything positive, which is why, especially when things are rough, I sometimes I still step back and marvel at the good things I DO have in my world - my home, a job I love, an incredible therapist and support team, a family that loves me (even if I feel smothered by them) and lots of other things.  I often am caught breathless when I think about how much I do have, and how little I believe I deserve that goodness.  Instead, I deserve all the crap-ness that comes my way.  That is what I am worthy of, not the good.

Step by step, little by little, one day at a time, I'm working to change this.  With the support of all of you reading, with the encouragement and support of my team, and with my sheer determination, I know that once I put my mind to it, I will be on the top of my list of people to help..... one day....

Challenge 1, Part 3: Creativity

I learned a lot about this week's topic by reading everyone's posts.  That is probably one of the best gifts of a blogging community - we learn from each others words, experiences, and stories.  Still have a lot to learn over here, but this challenge sure gave me a good start on the topics of self-care and self-soothing!

Struggling to learn

Enough about how to

Live a life

Full of love and

Compassion for my self

Along with

Realizing that

Even I am worth it.

Self-Care

complicated, effort-full

discouraging, challenging, empowering

a worthwhile skill to acquire

Self-Soothing 

© MGD July 2012

A really great list of ideas to take care of the self: 70 ways for Self Care

Challenge 1, Part 2: Self Soothing

Continuing with this challenging topic, moving into self-soothing, where I struggle even more, has been an interesting process.  Again, keep in mind, as negative as this might seem, I do know that things can only get better and easier, which is the silver lining on this whole process!  I think that compared to self care, self soothing is a whole different ball game.  My ways of soothing myself, of calming myself, aren't the healthiest.  So once again, a heck of a lot of effort gets put into this area as well.  I am super sensitive to light, sound, texture, temperature, all that stuff.  It poses a challenge more often than not, but I'm getting better at figuring out (with the help of my therapist and team) how to work through these sensory overload situations.

This might sound childish or corny, but I am very much a texture person - I love the feel of softness.  If I'm having a really hard day, I may tuck a scrap of this ultra soft cuddly fleece into my pocket, just so I have it for comfort.  I have super soft sheets for my bed, and a blanket made of the ultra soft fleece as well.  In addition, I do have a few stuffies that live on my bed that are perfect for when I need to wrap my arms around something and just hold tight.  All the softness is really comforting.  Strangely enough, as much as I hate the dentist, I like the feeling of having the lead vest covering me.  It is really helpful in grounding me when I get too spacy.  I have looked into weighted blankets that are helpful for those with autism, and due to costs, I'm hoping I'll eventually be able to make my own?  Not that crafty, so we'll see how that goes!

Other things I do at home to self-soothe include napping, reading a familiar book (it's like visiting my best friends,) and listening to music.  I also like to do yoga, and find a few restorative poses can be really helpful.  Sometimes I'm just so disoriented and upset, that all I can do is curl up in a ball and breathe, but you know what?  It works.

When I'm not at home, it's a little tougher to self-soothe when I get into a bad spot.  I do carry Xanax with me (and would not be able to survive without it) which is great because of it's near instant impact.  It usually gives me enough time to get refocused without going into a full on anxiety attack.  Carrying the little bit of fabric helps too, cause the softness can easily be run through my fingers without drawing attention to me.  Considering I teach grade school, my students often have little fidgets in their hands, so they see it the same and love that their teacher uses fidgets too!  Strange as this may sound, if I'm struggling, sometimes I will call my therapist's voicemail, just to hear her voice, which has a really calming effect on me.  At home or out and about, sometimes a walk outside (if the weather is cooperative) can also help.

While I know that many of my self-soothing tools are rather childish, they're what I've got right now.  Eventually I hope that I don't get as overstimulated and am better able to regulate just through breathing or what-not, but for now?  You gotta do what you gotta do, right?!

Week 24: Overcoming Challenges

I've faced a lot of challenges in my life. No biggie, you get kinda used to them after a while.  Doesn't make it any easier, but I'm no longer surprised when faced with what feels like an impossible or uncomfortable or painful situation, since they happen to appear on a fairly regular basis.

The 2010-2011 school year started off challenging, with multiple funerals of friends and family all within a short time frame.  I had a great class, and as much as I enjoyed being their teacher, I was not able to bounce back from the depression of the funerals.  I spiraled further into depression, and my doctor decided that I needed to return to therapy.  This was in December.  I was fine once I got to school because I loved my job and my students, but it was really hard to get going in the morning.  I was maintaining professionalism and fulfilling all my job responsibilities and then some.

Things changed in February.  I was still struggling to get out of bed, but now preparing for work and getting myself there had become even more challenging.  I was always exhausted.  I had been through 4 different meds, none of which helped.  By April I was ready to quit my job and sleep full time.  As much as I loved my job, I just wasn't motivated to do anything, even at school.  I was on auto-pilot.  I still fulfilled my basic job requirements, but I was barely holding on.  I felt like the worst teacher ever, despite the fact that my class still loved coming to school and their parents were thrilled with the school year.  I got home every day and slept for two hours, got up long enough to eat something, and then went to bed. I was hardly eating, always tired, and often on the verge of tears.

By June, I wanted to quit everything.  Parents raved about the school year, kids were happy, looking forward to summer, and all the while, I felt terrible.  I felt so bad for short changing my students.  They didn't get the *best* me that I could be.  They got a shadow of me, which was, in my mind, not good enough, even though it was fine with everyone else.  I'm honestly surprised I didn't get put on notice or something, I mean, I was running in late for everything at work, hardly participating, leaving as soon as the bell rang.  I was truly a shadow of myself.

Summer arrived and gave me much needed down time.  In addition to working with my therapist multiple times weekly, my dietitian joined the team.  The amount of support I had that summer, and still have today, is what helped me overcome the intense lethargy that had taken over my life.

By the time the 2011-2012 school year started, I was able to tackle school more like the old me.  I finally had a much needed support system, and with their help, the 2011-2012 school year was my best year yet.  I'm still working closely with my team, and am still battling ed and depression on a daily basis, but because of the support I have, things are better balanced - I am able to concentrate on school when I'm there, and on life when I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, things are not all sunshine and roses, and there is still a dark cloud that likes to follow me around.  I'm just better equipped to handle the ups and downs of life that will always be there.  But now I have people that toss out the life preserver before I get too far from the ship.

Happy Independence Day!

July 4th is a special day in the United States of America.  

It's the 236th birthday of the good ole' U. S. of A.

If you think about it, today can be more than the country's independence day.  It can be a day that we choose to take back our independence from whatever it is holding us back.  It also might mean we surrender that fierce independence and begin to allow ourselves to lean on others for support.  Today can be a lot more than just the birthday of a nation.... it can be a celebration of a personal victory, celebrating one step closer toward freedom from whatever it is holding you back.

With that in mind.... I'm revisiting Week 7... yep, that means another song!  As cliche as this is for today, this song is one of my all time favorites.  I remember when it first came out, how the words spoke to the depths of my cells, and the lyrics filled me with hope.  I actually did a pretty dynamic writing assignment with my students using this song.  The video is quite powerful, but even more powerful is the story behind the video's creation.  Enjoy!

Week 7: Words that Give Me Meaning - Take 7

Firework by Katy Perry

(lyrics below video)

(Check out the making of the video at the end of this post!)

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag,
Drifting through the wind
Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards,
One blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there's still a chance for you
'Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Ah, ah, ah"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "ah, ah, ah"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

You don't have to feel like a wasted space
You're original, you cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Ah, ah, ah"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Ah, ah, ah"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through-ough-ough

'Cause baby you're a firework
Come on, show 'em what you're worth
Make 'em go "Ah, ah, ah"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby, you're a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Ah, ah, ah"
You're gonna leave 'em all in "awe, awe, awe"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon 

Updated to add a great article I just read via Twitter -
Declaring Independence from Body Image Saboteurs

Week 18: Best Recovery Advice

The best recovery advice I've been given?  Simple.

You CAN do this.  Take one bite at a time.

It sounds trite and condescending.  But it isn't.  Because unless I eat, my brain will never be able to be coherent enough to process the other side of ed, the mental side.  I need to nourish my body so that I can work on recovering my mind.

How am I able to do that?

I don't do it for me.  I don't eat for myself.  I eat because I know if I don't, my team will not be able to help me, and I'll lose them.  I can't lose them.  They are the reason, at least for now, that I am working my @$$ off to eat and to beat this "issue."

More helpful words from my team, who have been my constant cheerleaders and guides on this journey...

Acceptance is the hardest part.  When you do- then you know who and what you are fighting. (8/3/11)

The emotions are there because you need to move forward dealing with them instead of using ED to handle things.  You have the skills, ability intelligence and drive to win this battle.  Don't quit. (11/1/11)

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: PURPOSE

June Blog Challenge Day 26: PURPOSE

I consider myself lucky.  I know that my purpose is to teach.  I've wanted to be a teacher since I was nine years old.  Yes, once I got to college it took me a few changes of major before I remembered my original purpose, but I made it.  I have been in the classroom for ten years now, and while some years are more challenging than others, I can still say that I *love* what I do.  I really, really do.  I can't imagine doing anything else.

I think you can really tell when people have found their purpose, or their calling.  I work with several other teachers who you can tell this is it.  They too, were meant to be teachers.  My doctor is the same way.  You can tell she really enjoys her career choice by the way she interacts with you.  It's really refreshing, especially considering all the negative talk out there about doctors who don't care.  My therapist is the same way.  You can tell that this is what she was meant to do.  I've worked with a lot of therapists in the past, but none have had the same passion that she has.  My whole team is pretty incredible, and I am very lucky to have them.

Some people were born leaders.  Some people were born athletes.  I think that when it comes to purpose, it's important to remember that everyone has a different one, and there is a value in every purpose.  I appreciate the electricians, auto mechanics, plumbers, carpenters, custodians... everyone who is helping the world by what they do. 

No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.

- unknown -

Prompt: Do you know your purpose? What does purpose mean in your eyes? Do you admire the purpose of certain others?

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: HOME

June Blog Challenge Day 22: HOME

This is quite a timely word for me, as my sister comes home for a visit today!  She lives overseas and doesn't get to come home all that often, so it will be nice to have her in town for a whole month!

The idea of home is a touchy subject.  Growing up, I felt at home in my bedroom.  It was my place.  The only place I could escape to and feel (somewhat) safe to do as I pleased.  I loved my bedroom.  I cried when I moved out of my parents house, only because I would miss my room.

I was involved with horses from the time I was 11 until my mid-20s, and I always felt at home around horses.  My first horse was my best, best, BEST friend, and I could tell him anything.  I was even known to sleep in his stall when we were away at horse shows, just because it felt so safe there, with him watching over me while I slept.  To this day, I attribute my survival to my horse, cause without him, I would not have made it through my turbulent adolescence and teenage years.

My current home, a small little apartment, is just the right size for one.  It isn't my dream home, but it is mine, and it give me a place to live, with a roof over my head and three locks, so I'm pretty safe here.

In all reality, though, home is just a word.  I say that because until I truly feel at home in my body, it won't matter where I am, I'll always feel somewhat like an outsider. I know it is going to take a lot of work to change that, and I hope I'm up for the challenge!

Prompt: What is home? A place? A person? Have you ever felt at home? Have you worked hard to create your own home? Is it a place inside you or a place you’ve built around you and your family? Get to the deeper meaning. Post a picture of your “home” if that’s easier to describe your feelings.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: LOGICAL

June Blog Challenge Day 9: LOGICAL

I love math.  Math is concrete.  Math makes sense.  Math is logical!  No matter how much I try to make it different, 3 + 3 will always equal 6.  Even if you put it in a different context, say, 3 meals plus 3 meals means I have six meals (even if I didn't eat any of them.)

Ironically, I didn't use to like math.  I loathed it.  It was so freaking confusing!  Math tortured me from fourth grade through my fourth year of college, where finally, I had a professor that made sense of math.  She made sense of all those numbers and signs and concepts that I struggled with for-ev-er.  I mean, what's the purpose of an imaginary number?  Thankfully, as an elementary teacher I don't need the answer to that in order to instill a love of learning math in my students.

Where does logic come in to play in this story?  Well, if I take a step back and look at the big picture of my math experience, it kinda makes a lot of sense.  Logically, how was it possible for me to understand, much less enjoy, learning about something *that* challenging when my day-to-day life is was challenge?  How was it possible to learn anything that is not incredibly simple, when struggling to get out of bed, much less get through the day?  Yes, I was just a kid, but life happens at any age.  Now that I can look back, it makes sense, it's logical that I was strong in reading and writing, and struggled in math.  I spent my time escaping into books and journals.  My safe haven.  My respite.  Numbers never made sense and I didn't have the energy to focus any time on learning them.

Now, I love logic.  I love things that make sense.  I love looking for connections between things, whether there are clear paths or not.  I like finding the logic in things.  I like making things make sense.  (hmmm... control anyone?)  In fact, I have gotten so good at logic, that I can logically rationalize just about anything, including recovery.  Unfortunately, while logical thinking is helpful in many places, recovery wise?  It just tends to get me into trouble.  Then again, maybe that's the fact that my self-logic is rather faulty.  I'll get there though.  After all, it only took 13 years for me to catch on to all that math-logic......!

Prompt: Are you logical? Do you wish you could be? Do you respect people who are or find them lacking? Does logic  have a place in recovery? These are all examples of things you can write about.