First Blogger Challenge: Complete!

So, I did it.  I completed the blogger challenge.  I'm honestly a little surprised that I was able to keep up with the post-a-day pace, but somehow it all worked.

June 2012 Blogger Challenge

I'm kinda sad it's over.  It was a growth-filled experience, and it gave me something to look forward to each day in June.  I met some pretty amazing people, too.  Everyone commented how nice of a community was built through this challenge.  I agree.  I look forward to keeping connected to those I met, who inspired me to write daily through their own sharing on their blogs.

Right from the challenge website, the mission was clearly spelled out - "Hungry for Change are delighted to partnership with Actively Arielle in a blog challenge that is sure to encourage, inspire and educate in so many diverse ways."  It lived up to it's mission, that's for sure - challenging, encouraging, inspiring, and educating in many, many different aspects of life. 

Thank you Arielle, and thank you Tracey, for creating and fostering a community of kindness and inspiration that benefits and educates everyone!  Can't wait to see what you come up with next!

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: COMMUNITY

 June Blog Challenge Day 30: COMMUNITY
 

Merriam-Webster defines community as a unified body of individuals.  If you would have asked me a month ago which unified body of individuals I belong to, I would have given you the standard answers - the city in which I live and the school and district in which I work.  The only two real life communities I feel connected to.  I am a part of three online communities that have been very supportive, as well.  But that's it. 

I have never felt I belong anywhere but by myself.  From childhood through college, my community has never been consistent, as I never was able to fit in with any one group.  I became a part of the community that was my focus at the time, almost like a chameleon, but it was never a perfect fit, there was always something a little off, I never truly fit in.  I am not in contact with most of my childhood friends, as my siblings are.  I have few friends, but the few I have are wonderful people whom I cherish very much.  Even with my friends, though, each belongs to a different part of my world, and rarely do all my friends interact within the same community.  I just figured that's how my life was supposed to be - I am one of those people who is independent enough to withstand the life of a loner.

This blog challenge has really opened my eyes to the power of virtual communities.  Just because I don't know everyone in this challenge face-to-face, doesn't mean that we aren't a part of the same community, doesn't mean I don't know you all.  It's just a different kind of community, one, I'm guessing, that 30 years ago, no one thought would be possible.  The internet has opened the world to loaners like me, so that we can finally find a community in which we fit. 
My first foray into the virtual community world was because of recovery.  This blog was born through a wonderful online recovery community project.  I have yet to meet any of my virtual friends face to face, but that doesn't make them any less special.  I so appreciate each comment left on my blog, and am honored to leave comments for others.  Reading others thoughts, hearing their stories, it's a treat to get a peek into your worlds, your minds.  I feel a sense of belonging that I have lacked for much of my life. I have grown through this project in a way I never anticipated.  Community, as it turns out, like life, is what you make it.  And everyone reading this blog, everyone that I have met, ultimately helps me grow as a person, and plays a role in shaping my community.  For that, I thank you.

Prompt: To end, I chose the word “community” because that’s what these blogger challenges are about. What does community mean to you? How does it fit into your life? Into your health? Into your recovery? Or how does it relate to blogging? Or family? Share with us what it means for you.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: MYSTERY

June Blog Challenge Day 29: MYSTERY

It's likely no surprise that I am not a big fan of mystery.  Anything unknown scares the bejeebers out of me.  When I'm watching a movie, I'll often mute it or change the channel when the suspense gets to be too much for me to handle.  Even if it's an episode of a television show that I've seen many times before, and actually know the outcome, when it gets to *that* part, where the mystery has built and is at the turning point, I'll still change the channel, even though I know what's going to happen!

Interestingly, there is one kind of mystery I don't mind at all... it's the one I'm in control of.  Like when I'm reading aloud to my students and drop my voice, the room grows eerily silent as they hang on every word... and when I stop reading and close the book on a cliff hanger?  It's like being in an athletic stadium when your favorite team scores.  The kids loudly complain and beg for just a few more pages.  That kind of mystery?  I love.  I know what is happening and where things are heading, so I can handle it.

If you've read previous posts on my blog, you know that I am definitely one who prefers structure and planning, and am not good with spontaneous happenings.  I think that's why I have never really enjoyed reading mystery books, either.  I get really, really anxious while I'm reading. I mean, I've read the entire Harry Potter series multiple times, and know how it all ends, yet... if I read any book beyond book 4 before bed, it gives me terrible nightmares. 

So, to sum up a rather rambly post, while I appreciate the mystery of life, I prefer a little less mystery in my life.  I wish that things were just a little more transparent sometimes, and a little less scary.... then again, maybe things are quite transparent, and my vision is still rather clouded.  Hmmm.  Guess it really is all about perspective!

 Prompt: Does life hold mystery for you?  Do you wish it did? Does mystery scare you? Thrill you? Is it good, bad, or do you feel indifferent towards it?

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: TRAVEL

June Blog Challenge Day 28: Travel

View from above...

When I was younger, travel was rare.  The state in which I live has some great places to take "staycations" but even those were few and far between.  We usually just did day trips.  Once I hit junior high, we were "old enough" to visit my grandparents who spent the winter months in Mexico.  Those trips sound like they would be fantastic, right?  Well, I would say that four-fifths of my immediate family enjoyed the trips (yes, we went for a few visits over the years) and one-fifth didn't.  You may be able to guess which fifth didn't.

My favorite Mexican Retreat!

As I got older and entered the employment world (which at that age, was babysitting!) I sat for a few families that took me with them to babysit on trips, which led me to Florida and Chicago.  It also opened my eyes to the world outside of my home town.  I loved getting to pretend I was part of their families (even though I was the nanny) and live in a world that was so different from mine, even for just a few weeks.

Once I "grew up" (using that term loosely) I visited a few more states traveling for yoga workshops and retreats.  Again, I was lucky to travel as an employee of the yoga studio, which is the only way I was able to afford such travels.

The Santa Monica Pier

The biggest moment for me came when I ventured, for the first time EVER, out on my own, and flew to the east coast for a yoga workshop.  It was my first time traveling alone, my first time staying in a dorm, my first time staying with a roommate... a lot of first times in that trip, including the first time I took the risk to assert myself, which resulted in an amazing friendship with someone who I consider one of my closest friends.  That one week workshop led to several summers visiting this friend, spending 3-5 weeks living with her family and helping her with various tasks.  The experience of traveling solo, on such a scary and unknown adventure, led to such a sweet experience...

Millie's Secret Place... FAVORITE book ever!

Honestly though?  I'm really a home-body.  For me, as much as I enjoyed my yoga trips, and love visiting my friend, my favorite method of travel is in my mind.  I love revisiting old friends, heading to Millie's secret hiding place, the banks of Plum Creek, the Moonshadow Campground, Forks, Diagon Alley, the city of Ember, Narnia, Prince Edward Island, and even Assateague Island... books were my favorite method of transportation, and hold many of my most cherished memories.

A journey is best measured in friends, rather than miles.

--Tim Cahill 

Prompt: This can refer to an actual trip (or many trips) to other countries. Maybe to other cities. Maybe it’s a figurative journey you’ve taken in your life at some point. Maybe it’s the journey of motherhood or a career traveling. Maybe you have dreams to travel that are driving you to your goals.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: BLISS

 June Blog Challenge Day 27: BLISS

I came up with four ways to describe bliss.  One is where I spend most of my time, but the other three, I hope one day become my reality.

Brilliantly

Living

In

Spite of

Self-doubt

Beginning to
Learn
It's
Safe to
Succeed

Born
Loving Life,
Influence
Sure
Saddened me.

Believe
Life
Is
Significant and
Special

-->

© MGD June 2012

 Prompt: Joy. Happiness. Bliss is real. Talk about a time you felt bliss.  Or describe the experience in an emotional sense. Maybe you have a poem that explains it well for you. Maybe you struggle with what bliss feels like. Whatever it is, tell us.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: PURPOSE

June Blog Challenge Day 26: PURPOSE

I consider myself lucky.  I know that my purpose is to teach.  I've wanted to be a teacher since I was nine years old.  Yes, once I got to college it took me a few changes of major before I remembered my original purpose, but I made it.  I have been in the classroom for ten years now, and while some years are more challenging than others, I can still say that I *love* what I do.  I really, really do.  I can't imagine doing anything else.

I think you can really tell when people have found their purpose, or their calling.  I work with several other teachers who you can tell this is it.  They too, were meant to be teachers.  My doctor is the same way.  You can tell she really enjoys her career choice by the way she interacts with you.  It's really refreshing, especially considering all the negative talk out there about doctors who don't care.  My therapist is the same way.  You can tell that this is what she was meant to do.  I've worked with a lot of therapists in the past, but none have had the same passion that she has.  My whole team is pretty incredible, and I am very lucky to have them.

Some people were born leaders.  Some people were born athletes.  I think that when it comes to purpose, it's important to remember that everyone has a different one, and there is a value in every purpose.  I appreciate the electricians, auto mechanics, plumbers, carpenters, custodians... everyone who is helping the world by what they do. 

No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.

- unknown -

Prompt: Do you know your purpose? What does purpose mean in your eyes? Do you admire the purpose of certain others?

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: FORGIVENESS

June Blog Challenge Day 25: FORGIVENESS

I have been (trying to) participate in another blog project, which was actually the impetus for this blog in the first place.  Weekly prompts (of which I am rather far behind) have addressed all sorts of topics, similar to the June blogger challenge.




As it would so happen, I wrote about forgiveness back in March.  Here's a link to that post.  Not a whole lot has changed in my world of forgiveness.  My therapist and I still discuss the topic of self-hatred/self-care pretty regularly.  I'd say I'm an inch closer than where I was back in March?  Maybe?

Forgiveness is such an important trait to have, 

it makes things a little less painful, 

even though the process of forgiveness

 may be a painful journey in itself.

Prompt: Maybe you need to forgive yourself. Maybe you are struggling to forgive another. Maybe forgiveness feels forced. Maybe you don’t understand it.  Maybe it is religious or faith based when you consider. Maybe it’s a lesson you have not yet learned. Talk about it in your own words.

Arielle's Word of the Day: FACE

June Blog Challenge Day 24: FACE

I wrote a poem a little over a year ago called Who do you see? that was all about what I believe others see in my face verses what I see.  At that point, I was still in denial that food was any part of my problems and was in a pretty painful place at the time.  I've been surprised at how many times poems have appeared in my journal.  They seem to flow on their own accord.  What I see on the screen when I pause has often been startling, if only because it's brutally honest.  I'd like to say that the pain behind this poem is no longer there, but that wouldn't be honest.  I planned to share it in this post, and have it saved separately, in case I change my mind, but for now, I am just not ready to let other eyes linger over the words.

Instead, here is an image that I think fits rather well.  I tend to view my body, especially my face, with very skewed perception.  Of my whole body, my face is what I like the least. After 30 some years on this planet, you'd think I'd be used to the reflection in the mirror by now!  Every once in a while, a special occasion comes along and I actually get hair and makeup done.  When that happens, and I look in the mirror, I don't recognize the person staring back at me.  That person is pretty.  That person fits in with society's expectations of what women should look like.  My every day face?  It just takes too much work to make it look socially acceptable.  And sometimes I'd rather just stay home than make the effort to get ready to be seen in public.

I really do hope that one day, I can see myself as others do.

Prompt: Just as we all have soul, we all have a face. What do you see when you look into your own eyes? Or maybe the word “face” conjures up a visual of another who has been kind to you, or mean to you. Let your mind go free and let the word “face” tell you what to share today.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: SOUL

June Blog Challenge Day 23: SOUL

I am at a loss of words when it comes to the word for today.  Looking into the depths of my soul is not something I am able to do yet.  Instead, I'm borrowing the words of others.  Each of the quotes speak to me, to my soul, so while they aren't my words, they are filling in for the time being.

Thank you to the great minds who originally spoke these words.  In doing so, you shared a little bit of your soul, and inspired mine.

Prompt: We all have a soul. Sometimes it can be hard to reach. Sometimes our soul is what keeps us grounded.  Sometimes it’s what keeps us afraid. Sometimes we can’t find it. Talk about your soul.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: HOME

June Blog Challenge Day 22: HOME

This is quite a timely word for me, as my sister comes home for a visit today!  She lives overseas and doesn't get to come home all that often, so it will be nice to have her in town for a whole month!

The idea of home is a touchy subject.  Growing up, I felt at home in my bedroom.  It was my place.  The only place I could escape to and feel (somewhat) safe to do as I pleased.  I loved my bedroom.  I cried when I moved out of my parents house, only because I would miss my room.

I was involved with horses from the time I was 11 until my mid-20s, and I always felt at home around horses.  My first horse was my best, best, BEST friend, and I could tell him anything.  I was even known to sleep in his stall when we were away at horse shows, just because it felt so safe there, with him watching over me while I slept.  To this day, I attribute my survival to my horse, cause without him, I would not have made it through my turbulent adolescence and teenage years.

My current home, a small little apartment, is just the right size for one.  It isn't my dream home, but it is mine, and it give me a place to live, with a roof over my head and three locks, so I'm pretty safe here.

In all reality, though, home is just a word.  I say that because until I truly feel at home in my body, it won't matter where I am, I'll always feel somewhat like an outsider. I know it is going to take a lot of work to change that, and I hope I'm up for the challenge!

Prompt: What is home? A place? A person? Have you ever felt at home? Have you worked hard to create your own home? Is it a place inside you or a place you’ve built around you and your family? Get to the deeper meaning. Post a picture of your “home” if that’s easier to describe your feelings.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: FIGHT

June Blog Challenge Day 21: FIGHT

I am involved in an ongoing fight that I call the battle between my heart and my brain.  My heart plays the emotion department cards, while my brain pulls out all the stops in the logic arena, and it is never a fair fight.  When it comes to work and school and others, my logical brain generally wins.  When it comes to me, to my body?  My emotional heart wins, hands down.  Doesn't matter how much logic my brain throws out there, or how much that logic makes sense, the emotions always win. 

Outside of my head, I'm not a very confrontational person (and if you ask my therapist, she'll probably say that I'm not one to confront myself, either!)  I don't like to make waves.  I don't like to argue (unless you are my parents....) because rarely can I keep my emotions in check, and as I said before, no matter what is going on - happy or angry or excited, my response is to cry.  Therefore, I try to avoid arguing all together.  I can't yet speak up, even to myself.  The negative, mean spirited voice always takes over, and resist as I might, it always wins.

Through the work I've been doing with my team, I'm learning what it feels like to have someone fight for me.  To have someone value me enough to fight with me (figuratively, of course) about the importance of taking care of myself.  I finally have something worth fighting for - fighting myself and my behaviors in order to keep my team.  Ultimately, the goal is to fight for myself because I'm worth it.  But for now, I'm fighting for myself because my team is worth it.  Without them, there'd be no point in fighting at all.

I know that somewhere, buried deep inside of me, is a person who wants to recover, who wants to be healthy, who wants to be happy. Otherwise, I would have given up the fight a long time ago.

Prompt: You can talk about the fight through recovery, for your life.  You can talk about a fight you’ve had with someone. With yourself. You can talk about fear of fighting with others, the inclination to be reserved and avoid confrontation. The word “fight” can hold so many different meanings depending on how you look at it.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: COMPLIMENT

June Blog Challenge Day 20: COMPLIMENT

This is another hard word for me to write about.  I take compliments like they are poison designed to slowly destroy me.  Compliments were always a butter-me-up then break-me-down experience.

Compliments make me cringe.  They make my heart pound wildly as if I've done something wrong.  Compliments do NOT feel good to me.  You'd think that after as many years as I've been in the classroom, and as many times parents have complimented me for my work with their children, I'd be better able to accept compliments.  Nope.

Article: Accepting Compliments

At one point, I was asked to keep a compliment log, and write down the good things and compliments people gave me.  I know the intent was to help me learn to see compliments as positive statements and not murderous words, but I'm telling you, keeping that log was torture!

However, I do have a coping mechanism that I try to follow... try being the key word there.  It doesn't always work.  My automatic response to a compliment is to rebuff it and compliment the compliment giver.  Instead, what I've been taught to try is telling the compliment giver a simple "thank you" and in my head, tell myself accepting this compliment won't kill me.  It may sound funny, but that's what I feel like - if I accept a compliment it's just going to turn around and hurt me.

As luck would have it, a blogger I follow tweeted an article yesterday called Accepting Compliments.  That's where this image comes from.  The article, though short, was quite powerful.  Here, take a peek and see if it resonates with you... (The link has been crabby, so if it doesn't work right away, try this one.)

Prompt: A compliment can be a difficult thing. Sometimes it’s foreign.  Sometimes it’s a masked insult. Sometimes we don’t know how to compliment ourselves. What power does a compliment hold for you? What role have compliments played in your life?

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: TEARS

June Blog Challenge Day 19: TEARS

Tears

Why do I cry?

The constant threat
of tears

is getting old.
Fast. 

If tears are what

make rainbows

in our eyes

my world should be

filled

with color. 

Yet I often

choose

to live within the

extremes.
Black

or

white.

I want

a world

full of color.

I just wish
I could find it

with a 

few

less

tears.

© MGD, June 2012

I cry a lot.  Every emotion elicits tears - sadness, happiness, anger, excitement... The emotions have been plentiful the past few weeks, and this poem was written after a rather intense conversation one day last week.  I need frequent reminders that there really is a world full of colorful options, and I don't have to stick with extremes.  It's a good thing for me to be reminded of regularly, maybe one day soon I'll remember that my favorite color is purple, and not black or white.

Prompt: Tears can be healthy. Tears can be reminders of things past. Tears can be freeing. Beautiful. Tears can be a release. What do tears mean for you? Do you cry a lot? Not at all? What is it that makes you cry? Consider what feels right for you for this prompt.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: LAUGHTER

June Blog Challenge Day 18: LAUGHTER

I love Calvin and Hobbes.  They never fail to make me smile!

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm a total quote junkie.  Meaningful, serious, inspirational, emotional, motivational, and yes, even hysterical - I collect them all.  The quotes I picked for this make me smile, and smiles more often than not lead to laughter.  And laughter is always the best medicine for everything, right?

Prompt: Do you have a photo that embodies laughter you can share? Maybe it’s of you, your kids, or a drawing.  Maybe you have forgotten how to laugh.  Maybe laughter is what gets you through the hard times. Share your laughter with us.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: END

June Blog Challenge Day 17: END

I am not a fan of most endings.  They are usually rather sad and emotional for me, and lately, it's hard to keep my emotions in check.

Take the end of the school year, for example.  I always, always cry.  Never fails.  Even the year I was moving up with my students, I still cried on the last day of school.  Even the year I couldn't wait for the school year to end, I still cried.

I think back to the end of undergrad.  I was so in denial that it was over, I almost dropped out, and I didn't attend graduation ceremonies.  I just couldn't face the end of what I considered my youth.  High school graduation was even worse - I was a blubbering mess of tears much of the day.  I even went back to school after graduation, and attended my favorite classes till the last day of school, even though I didn't have to.  Talk about holding on to the past.....

I equate endings with sadness.  All endings but one. 

I look forward to the day when I end my relationship with the self-destructive behaviors and intrusive, unhelpful, thoughts filled with self-hatred.  I look forward to the day where I end the internal attack on my self.  I look forward to the day when I am no longer my own worst enemy.  I look forward to the day I leave behind the self-inflicted misery of my inner-life, and step into the endless possibilities that await in the outside world.  It will happen.  I know it will.


Prompt: Can you remember the end of an era in your life that was important to you? Was the end sad? Liberating? What is it like to end your disorder? What is it like to realize that for every end there is a new beginning?

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: BEGINNING

June Blog Challenge Day 16: BEGINNING

The timing of this word is so fitting for me, because today is the beginning of my summer vacation.  Well, at least according to the calendar it is.  According to all the work I still have to do to wrap up the loose ends of the school year, my summer vacation won't technically begin until June 28th.  But that's ok.

I like beginnings... sort of.  I like to be prepared for beginnings.  Whatever is beginning, I handle it better when I have all the information necessary to make sense of what is coming up so my anxiety doesn't take over.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Beginnings can be exciting, but more often they really do scare me.  Not knowing exactly what to expect is anxiety inducing for me.  The only beginning that wasn't horribly anxious was beginning my first day as a teacher.  I was so well prepared for that job, the only anxiety was in meeting my students for the first time!  While I've been in the classroom for many years now, the first day of each new school year always brings on butterflies in my belly, only these are good ones!

Prompt: Everyone has a beginning. You can write about yours or share the beginning of recovery or the beginning of  your family, your faith, your work, etc. Maybe there’s something you’re beginning right now. “Beginning” means different things to different people.