Week 16: Giving

I actually quite love to give - give time, gifts, talents, lessons, ideas, whatever I can give to make others smile.  There are so many quotes out there by wise philosophers that preach the importance of giving, and remind us that what we get out will come back to us.  Heck, there are songs written about this very topic!  So many people in the world "get" the message.  But do we follow it?

I've always been a giving person (unless you ask my family.)  Over the last seven or so years, I've become even more conscious of what I put out into the world.  I try to be a kind, giving person, that people can like.  I made the choice to give of myself selflessly.  I've spent countless hours helping colleagues and peers, friends and family, with everything from house chores to parties to technology to organizing to shopping - you name it.  And I've done so, most of the time, without complaint.  Would that be considered "good enough" giving to get good back?

No.  Why?  Because I gave everything I had, without boundaries.  While that *is* giving, it also trained people to take advantage of me.  People know that I never say no (unless you're my immediate family.)  People know I'll help them with just about anything at the drop of a hat.  This type of giving, that I lived for so long, taught people to take advantage of me.

It absolutely put good into the world, lots of it.  I made lots of people happy with my choice to limitlessly give.  But I wasn't feeling any of the "good" anymore.  I knew people were taking advantage of me, but I didn't want them to not like me, so I couldn't say no.  So things started feeling really bad inside.  Despite that, I continued to give.

Enter my incredible therapist.

The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein

It is through my work with her that I have learned how to truly give.  Yes, I was giving before.  Yes, I was giving without expectation of return.  But I was doing so in a way that taught people there was no reason to give back to me at all.  I taught people that they could happily take from me what they wanted, and leave me with little.  So my therapist taught me to set boundaries.  She taught me how saying no doesn't have to be the painful experience I once thought it was.  She helped me see that when I give of myself without giving up on myself, then, and only then, does giving feel light and freeing.

While I continue to give of myself to others, I now save some of me to give to me.  Not easy.  Worth it.

Inspired By...

This is a little complicated to explain, so please, gather your bag of breadcrumbs and try to follow the trail....

Sundays.  Tayla over at She'll Be Free has this great feature called Sunday Link Love.  She finds all sorts of goodies, and shares them in one easy-to-access post to start off the week.  In reading through the links this week, I stumbled across an article that made a lot of sense to me!

The link was from another blog, called Roots of She.  The post?  This one.  All about fear.  Now, you may want to head over and read the whole post (it isn't that long, and it's an easy read) but for my purposes here, I've quoted the chord that struck me:

"I sat and looked underneath the fear – what were the needs sitting underneath its surface? What was it I really wanted?......  To feel safe, to feel cozy, to feel loved......  I could meet those needs in other ways, in healthier and more healing ways, than by staying at home.......  To feel cozy: I wanted the soft feeling of a blanket wrapped around me so I wore a long, soft sweater to work and super fuzzy knee socks...... When you’re able to break down the fear or stress or anxiety, you can begin to meet the needs that are underneath it."

This is a bit of a patched together excerpt, as I eliminated a few parts here and there, cause this is the part that spoke to me.  I've had those mornings, like she writes of at the start of her post, where I just want to curl up in bed with The Pup, a soft blanket, and shut the world out for a little longer.  Days where getting up and going to work is the last thing I want to do.

Today was one of those mornings.  And taking a little inspiration from that article, I managed to get myself cozied up, carry-out style.  I found a very comfy sweater that felt like a soft blanket wrapped around me.  I found the softest socks that I had.

You know what?  It worked.  Sounds a little silly, but that big, comfy sweater and those soft, comfy socks got me out of the house and to work.  Yeah, once I got to work, and got into the day, things were peachy.  But those little comforts, they're what got me to work so that I could get into my peachy-keen day.

Sometimes it seems a simple thing.... yet, it makes a incredible impact.

(P.S.  If you're not sure what the title of this post means..... well, it's still poetry month, 

and it's a bit of a hat tip to one of my favorite poetry books - Love That Dog by Sharon Creech.)

Saturday Smiles

Reading Month Edition

All images courtesy of Shirt Woot - the best place for shirt humor!

March is Reading Month

Right?

(Thank you Shirt Woot for another gem!)

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 13

13.  What are some things - blogs, quotes, books, mantras, etc - that inspire you and keep you motivated?

Have you looked through this blog? 

You see all those quotes sprinkled generously through the posts? 

Yep. 

Those.

I wouldn't have posted them if they weren't inspiring to me.

And I don't mind posting a few of my favorites again.

(You can also check out this 

page full of em!)

As far as books go.... the one I still carry around with me is Life Without Ed (thanks to my Kindle app) as it was and still is a source of inspiration and a great reminder that recovery IS possible, and this work IS worth it.  I know I've spoken of Arielle's blog before, as it is another great resource - not only the videos, but also the links and other recovery (and life!) minded tidbits she writes about.

A third source of inspiration comes from music.  There is something about music that compliments my moods - both uplifting moods and more gloomy moods - that makes me feel settled.  Music speaks to me in so many ways..... there is something both comforting and inspiring about sinking into a favorite song....  Check out some of my favorites on the music page!

Act 26

I tried my best to coordinate the completion of my 26Acts with the end of National Eating Disorder Awareness week.  Which officially ended yesterday.

That's ok.  You can consider this post the "wish candle" if you'd like.  Because this act, while equally as powerful as the other 25, is the perfect way to cap a week of awareness.

I have an eating disorder.  I have been battling it privately and in denial for more than half my life.  It's the last two years that I sought help, and have embraced recovery.

One of the first resources my dietitian suggested was this book.  Impatient that I am, I ordered it for my Kindle so I'd have it instantly, and then ordered it so I'd also have the hard copy.  And reading it really, really, really helped me understand how deep I really was.  And how hard it would be for me to end my relationship with Ed.

Which I have, nearly severing the ties completely.

My hope is that the person who finds this book at the book store is able to find the comfort and support in it that I did.  I tabbed my favorite post, the one that broke through the resistance I worked so hard to build.

School psychologist, Mary Sherlach, was a huge support in the lives of many.  She took pride in helping students overcome problems and succeed.  At 56, she was a year away from retiring from 20 years as the school psychologist.  This was not the first time she put herself in the path of danger, as she headed toward where the shots were fired.  Mary also helped neighbors during the havoc Hurricane Sandy threw into the community.  When she wasn't helping others, she enjoyed theater, gardening, and spending time with her husband and two grown daughters.

I'm closing this chapter, these 26 Acts, with Mary's own words: "I.... am always ready to assist in problem solving, intervention and prevention."  The world is a better place because of Mary.  And my world is a better place because of these 26 Acts.

Act 22

I saw this quote somewhere and it made me smile.  It was a sad sort of smile, though, because sometimes I forget that I am someone's reason to smile and it takes me a little while to remember the smiles that greet me every morning at school.

Anyway, I picked this quote and this book very purposefully.  My therapist introduced me to another book, The Dance of Anger by this author and I found it quite helpful.  That book wasn't in stock at the store, but knowing how much it helped me, and how anxious I was when I first opened it, I thought that reading this quote as someone delves into this topic might give them a little reassurance....

Reassurance was something Lauren Rousseau was good at.  She dreamed of being a teacher from the time she was a child, playing school with her toys as students.  When 30 year old Lauren accepted a full time teaching position at Sandy Hook, she was ready to reassure the students that she encountered.  Lauren worked a second job at Starbucks, and in her free time she enjoyed spending time with her friends, her boyfriend, and her cat.  Her family has found comfort in knowing that Lauren was happiest during this past year, as she finally was fulfilling her dream of teaching.

Act 19

One of my students introduced me to this author, and one of my friends introduced me to this specific book.  It is truly my favorite.  I have it on my kindle, so whenever I need a pick-me-up, I can read it, wherever I am.  The story is especially sweet because of the way it connects such different souls, and leaves each one better than it was before.  I left this sticky note on the cover of the last copy at the book store, and hope the person who finds this will be even more eager to read the story!

Avielle Rose Richman might have liked this book.  A spitfire of a six-year-old who loved to tell stories, she offered her heart to the world, and the world loved her right back.  Avie enjoyed horseback riding, music, archery, kung fu, and especially participating in adventures like a super hero.  She had an infectious smile and her laughter brightened a room.  And now, maybe her soul has landed in the stars....

Let Me Sleep!

Right now, there just isn't enough hours in the day to get the sleep that my body, and brain, seem to be crying out for.  I am in a perpetual state of exhaustion, and let me tell you, it's getting a little tired!  It's as if there is a part of my brain that holds the amount of sleep I need to function.  Only that part of my brain seems to be leaking, since no amount of sleep seems to be enough these days!  Yes, I am in the middle of a medication adjustment.  Yes, my depression is pretty major at the moment.  Yes, we're heading into the darkest season of winter.  So in other words, I've hit the trifecta of sleep-deprivation.  How'd I get to be so lucky?!

A New Day

I am a huge fan of Anne of Green Gables.  In particular, the friendship between Anne and Diana always makes me smile.  They truly are kindred spirits.

It's been a hell of a weekend.  Seriously.  A long visit with my dietitian has me slightly very anxious about some pretty major changes we are making in my meal plan.  It is not going to be easy.  And I'm not looking forward to this.  But she's really good at turning challenges into opportunities, and I hope her attitude rubs off on me.  Cause this is one challenge I'm not thrilled with, no matter how much my friend logic says it's the best way to handle a lousy situation.

So I'm thinking about tomorrow, and how I get to start fresh, with a brand new day.  Kind of like a crisp, clean, piece of paper just waiting to be drawn or written on.  Or a new blog post just waiting to be written......

Challenge 13, Part 3: Shelter

Image by Julie De Waroquier

This week's blog challenge offered several different images from which we could choose, and then share our interpretation of the image.  It's been interesting for me to read about everyone's different perspective on the images! The photographer was completely new to me, and I've become quite taken with several of her pieces.  If you haven't heard of Julie De Waroquier, I encourage you to take a peek at this French photographer's site.

The image above is called Shelter, and it is probably my second favorite to the tree image.  I found myself often taking shelter from the world in the pages of a book.  To this day, I still find shelter within the pages of books (well, books unrelated to work!) as it is so comforting to get lost in a world where you know everything is already taken care of, and all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride.

There is something safe about taking shelter in a book, about how it protects my mind from my own intrusive thoughts, at least while I'm within the pages of the story.  Something about how my world is calmer, as I'm lost in the story, instead of lost in my real, somewhat frightening world.  One can take the literal term for shelter from this image, but one can also take that figurative route, and be distracted by the comfort and security within another's words, instead of the tragic and traumatic words of our on minds......

Challenge 13, Part 1: Artwork Inspiration

Image by Julie D Waroquier

At first glance, this image took my breath away.  At second glance, and third glance, and every glance, it continues to do so.  It so much reminds me of my childhood, the happy place I used to escape to, both literally and figuratively.

I was, and am, a reader.  I think I was born a reader, learning to read early, and never stopping once I started.  To this day, I don't like to read a book during the work week, because I tend to pick up a book and finish it in one sitting, which means that starting a new book on a work night leaves me little time to sleep!

When I was 10, we moved into the house where my parents still live, and in the front yard was a wonderfully magical tree.  I loved that tree.  I spent a good portion of my life in that house up in the tree.  I'd pack my pockets with snacks and books, and could easily spend an entire day, perched comfortably in my well worn spot on the third branch to the right, and just read.

I'd get lost in the books, but more than that, the tree was my escape.  In the spring and summer, when the leaves were full, I could literally escape the glances of my family, the arguments, the annoyances, and be hidden in the foliage, safely tucked away with favorite friends as I ventured into their fictitious worlds.... oh how I loved that tree...

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This is the story of our narrator, Charlie, and his freshman year of high school.  He is a true wallflower in every sense of the word.  Reminded me of the post secret postcard about shy people - how they notice everything but never get noticed themselves.  That's Charlie.  That's me.

I'm not sure if it was a good idea for me to read this book.  But I did.  Someone did warn me about it, but I don't remember who, or why.  The book was really captivating, and I think I liked it, but I don't want to see the movie, at least not yet.  The story completely wrecked me.  That's all I have to say about it for now.

Week 20: Characters that Remind Me of Me

Wow.  This is going to be a fun one!  

I read way too many books, so I don't think I'll be able to pick just one character, but I'll try to keep it in check!

Anne Shirley (Anne of Green Gables) - Her tenacity and fierce loyalty are qualities I value and hope that I too, posses.  Plus, I would have loved to live in the time in which Anne lived... life was so much simpler then!



Francie Nolan (Tree Grows in Brooklyn) - I love Francie's innocence, and her outlook on life, despite the challenges she faced.  She didn't live in an easy world, but she managed to make the best of things, and I try to do the same (not always successfully!)



Punky Brewster - I know she isn't a book character, but she was my hero growing up.  I wanted a bedroom like hers soooo badly!  While I tended to match my outfits slightly (only very slightly) better than she did, her spunk, her colorful personality, her zest?  I have been compared to her before, and I take it as a compliment!


I could go on for pages and pages here, but I think these would be my top three character connections.  Though this might have to become the first of a multi-prompt series!

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: TRAVEL

June Blog Challenge Day 28: Travel

View from above...

When I was younger, travel was rare.  The state in which I live has some great places to take "staycations" but even those were few and far between.  We usually just did day trips.  Once I hit junior high, we were "old enough" to visit my grandparents who spent the winter months in Mexico.  Those trips sound like they would be fantastic, right?  Well, I would say that four-fifths of my immediate family enjoyed the trips (yes, we went for a few visits over the years) and one-fifth didn't.  You may be able to guess which fifth didn't.

My favorite Mexican Retreat!

As I got older and entered the employment world (which at that age, was babysitting!) I sat for a few families that took me with them to babysit on trips, which led me to Florida and Chicago.  It also opened my eyes to the world outside of my home town.  I loved getting to pretend I was part of their families (even though I was the nanny) and live in a world that was so different from mine, even for just a few weeks.

Once I "grew up" (using that term loosely) I visited a few more states traveling for yoga workshops and retreats.  Again, I was lucky to travel as an employee of the yoga studio, which is the only way I was able to afford such travels.

The Santa Monica Pier

The biggest moment for me came when I ventured, for the first time EVER, out on my own, and flew to the east coast for a yoga workshop.  It was my first time traveling alone, my first time staying in a dorm, my first time staying with a roommate... a lot of first times in that trip, including the first time I took the risk to assert myself, which resulted in an amazing friendship with someone who I consider one of my closest friends.  That one week workshop led to several summers visiting this friend, spending 3-5 weeks living with her family and helping her with various tasks.  The experience of traveling solo, on such a scary and unknown adventure, led to such a sweet experience...

Millie's Secret Place... FAVORITE book ever!

Honestly though?  I'm really a home-body.  For me, as much as I enjoyed my yoga trips, and love visiting my friend, my favorite method of travel is in my mind.  I love revisiting old friends, heading to Millie's secret hiding place, the banks of Plum Creek, the Moonshadow Campground, Forks, Diagon Alley, the city of Ember, Narnia, Prince Edward Island, and even Assateague Island... books were my favorite method of transportation, and hold many of my most cherished memories.

A journey is best measured in friends, rather than miles.

--Tim Cahill 

Prompt: This can refer to an actual trip (or many trips) to other countries. Maybe to other cities. Maybe it’s a figurative journey you’ve taken in your life at some point. Maybe it’s the journey of motherhood or a career traveling. Maybe you have dreams to travel that are driving you to your goals.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: SOUL

June Blog Challenge Day 23: SOUL

I am at a loss of words when it comes to the word for today.  Looking into the depths of my soul is not something I am able to do yet.  Instead, I'm borrowing the words of others.  Each of the quotes speak to me, to my soul, so while they aren't my words, they are filling in for the time being.

Thank you to the great minds who originally spoke these words.  In doing so, you shared a little bit of your soul, and inspired mine.

Prompt: We all have a soul. Sometimes it can be hard to reach. Sometimes our soul is what keeps us grounded.  Sometimes it’s what keeps us afraid. Sometimes we can’t find it. Talk about your soul.

Week 2: Favorite Childhood Memories

I was pleasantly surprised that I was able to find quite a few happy childhood memories! 

(insert wavy, psychedelic, Austin Powers inspired, digitally enhanced time travel transition here)

I remember having backyard camp outs in the summer... All my friends at the time were the kids of my parents friends, and we'd sleep in sleeping bags in the tent in the backyard, roast marshmallows over the grill, and eat powdered sugar donuts for breakfast.

This was the little playground near our campiste.

I remember camping trips as a family, stopping at the IGA on the way to the campground, it was a great old fashioned place and no camping trip was complete without a stop there.

Mini version - just right for little hands!

I remember Saturday mornings, where my parents slept in and we got to get our own breakfast, which was specially set up the night before.  They would leave bowls and spoons set at the table and our favorite cereal boxes waiting for us. There were little pitchers of milk in the fridge with just the right amount of milk for our little hands to carefully carry to the table and pour ourselves. I always felt quite grown up those mornings!

I remember sitting in my room, entertaining myself for hours with my record player and records and books and crayons. Captain Jane was my favorite record, and years and years later, when I actually found the book that went with the record, I could hear the record playing in my mind as I read and couldn't help but smile.

I remember escaping into the world of books, from the time I was in grade school until now. Books have always been an escape for me... as I joined Francie Nolan in Brooklyn while reading from atop a perch in my favorite tree... Ramona as she skipped along Klickitat street in her musical shoes... Kristy and her babysitters club full of big ideas...
 
I remember fun babysitters we had, who were practically family... visiting my favorite Aunt where she always had animal crackers and tootsie rolls for us...
going to the sledding hill at the park... building forts out of couch cushions and blankets...  reading Calvin and Hobbes on the back porch with my neighbor... roller skating in the basement... playing on the swings for hours on end... picking raspberries from the neighbors garden...snuggling with my favorite blanket on the couch in front of the fireplace...

I like ending on a positive note, so I'll just wrap it up there...