Don't Wanna

I'm sitting on the sofa, mentally organizing the next few days so that the week starts off smoothly.  I'm listening to the Pup exercise his lungs (it's rather windy here today) and reveling in the softness of his fur.

And I'm cringing, cause I really don't wanna get take a shower.  Yep.  You read that right.  I don't want to take a shower.  I'm an adult.  I'm a professional.  And I don't want to shower.  At all.  When did I last shower?  Thursday.  Today's Sunday.  Don't have a choice here and yes, I know that.  I also recognize how ridiculous this sounds, that an adult doesn't want to shower.

But I don't. 


And this, unfortunately, is becoming a more frequent occurrence in my world.  Winter seems to bring it out in me.  The turtle, hibernation, hermit season of hiding.  Winter also seems to be the busy time for depression to flex it's muscles and stretch it's legs.

I'm not using that as an excuse, and do not worry, I will shower.... eventually.  It's just that the effort it takes to perform a seemingly simple and daily task of showering sometimes feels like it's out of my reach, even when I stand on tiptoes.

The wet, cold, shivering, bare-skin, cold floor, yuk of showering combined with the stupid amount of time it takes to dry my tresses which must be dried so the color doesn't bleed on everything, makes me feel like crawling into bed and curling up into the fetal position for hours.

Guess that's why showering at night seems to work best when I'm like this?  Can anyone relate?

Jumping Ship

Tonight I did something that I haven't done in over 20 years.

A part of me is really sad that I caved.  I almost feeling like saying "you win" to my team.  I mean, after all, this was their idea.  Sure, it took four years for it to move from idea to encouragement to consideration to well, basically I've gone through the stages of grief, actually.  And I've finally moved from acceptance to action.

Tonight I intentionally ate meat.
And I didn't vomit.
And I didn't die.
And I didn't melt like the wicked witch.

Who knows what tomorrow morning will bring, or even the middle of the night, as my stomach is quite the hyper sensitive beast.  But I ate.  An entire cup of chicken rice soup.  I even drank the broth at the end of the cup.

This was (as exaggerated as it sounds) an excruciating task.  It meant giving up the title of "vegetarian" which I've coveted since I was 13 years old.  It meant giving up on what has proven to be the most useful tool in my eating disordered box of supplies.  My eating disorder has one less ally now, and that worries me.  Maybe it shouldn't, but it does.

It worries me because the path to recovery, which has been a dirt road littered with gravel and rocks, often challenging to travel, might just be starting to smooth out.  That should be good.  Making traveling forward easier, leaving more and more disordered eating behaviors behind me.  But those behaviors have been my travel companions for so long, leaving this one, the original, the biggest supporter behind?  It's anxiety inducing.

On the up side, it means that there is room for another tool, a healthier eating tool.  It means that, as long as there are no detrimental reactions to meat becoming a part of my body (and yes, I will give it a full six weeks to try out,) my menu will grow astronomically.

A part of me feels like I failed.  Like I couldn't keep up, even after more than 20 years, a vegetarian diet.  The reality is that when I became a vegetarian at 13, I only had one known food allergy.  20 some years later, I have a dozen.  Those are not choices.  I must avoid them.  The vegetarian avoidance is a choice.  It always has been.  One I hold very tightly to.  I mean, I am a vegetarian.  Period.  It's my choice to continue with that vegetarianism at the potential expense of my body, or make the choice to eat meat again as a way to better take care of my body.  I might hate the outside of my body, but I really do want to take care of the inside.

Distressing.  Confusing.  Sad.  Anxious.  Remorseful.

But also kinda proud of myself for pushing through this massive hurdle and making the attempt to take care of my body in the way it needs.  Kinda.

Unwavering Commitment

My dietitian has been using this phrase over the past few weeks, and when I finally sat down to google it yesterday, nothing.  So I decided that when I met with her today, I'd try my hardest not to sidetrack the conversation, and actually learn about this concept of unwavering commitment.

I'll be honest.  It was what I hoped it wouldn't be.

unwavering commitment -  verb; to persist in meeting a goal or completing a task no matter what obstacles may arise in the process --
ex. Julie had an unwavering commitment to her health, and always fit in her workouts each and every week, no matter how hectic her schedule.

I could make a joke here, and ask where I can get a bottle of this unwavering commitment she speaks of, but yeah.  This isn't anything to joke about.  This is, finally, something that deserves my attention.

What is this going to look like for me?
1.  Put myself first.  How?  Get enough protein.  Get enough veggies, fiber, water.  Every.  Single.  Day.
2.  Acknowledge my anxiety, but don't allow it to dictate my food choices anymore.  Even if I feel like I can't eat whatever it is I know I "should" eat, even if my anxiety is screaming at me to stop eating that "thing", whatever it may be, I must push through anyway.  What's the worst that will happen?  I get sick?  That isn't the end of the world.
3.  Respect myself.  Scary as $%&#, but if I don't speak up for myself, tell people that the way they're treating me isn't ok, then who will?  No one.  That's who.

There's more.  There's lots more.  But this is a start for me.  I'm hoping to reach the place where when I crawl into bed, I can say "I am proud of my commitment to me today."  It is gonna take a while, but I will get there.  If she thinks I can, then I will.

(Hopefully my dietitian will blog about unwavering commitment.  I'll link it if she does!)

An Ode to Eos

It sits there.  On my computer.  Right next to my mini Sheldon.

It's there in my car.  Next to me.  In the cup holder.

It's next to my bed.  On the nightstand.  Waiting.

There's one in the bathroom, too.

Yet.....

I continually choose to ignore it.  To forget it's there.  To ignore the smoke signals, the reminders, the quiet whispers, the louder shouts.  I ignore them all.

"I'm right here!  In front of your face!"  It declares.

"Go ahead, grab me!  You know you need me!"  It boasts.

"C'm on!  It's not gonna do anything bad!"  It exclaims.

"What's it going to hurt?  Nothing!  It's only going to help!" It cries.

"Why the #%&$ aren't you grabbing me?!?" It taunts.

Stupid chapstick.

Or.  Maybe I'm the stupid one.  Considering I will easily go all day ignoring my lip's plea for respite, for relief, for the simple coating that restores them to peace.  One would think that I must prefer to torture myself, to let my lips burn day in and day out.

(You know this isn't about the chapstick.  Right?)

It's something I'm trying to do.  Trying to stop ignoring the pain, and start reaching for the solution.  Especially when it's less than an arm's length away.  Truth be told, I've always been great at torturing myself, and I've always sucked at being kind to myself.  That's slowly starting to head in the direction of change.

And as my dietitian says,
"Just grab the #$@% chapstick!"

I'm trying.  Or, at least, I'm trying to start trying.

Stuck on Repeat?

So I realize this, that the thoughts in my mind (which are mostly negative when it comes to myself) are tracks I allowed others to record in my brain.  Instead of releasing them, or not believing them, I've held on to them for so long, they feel like they're my own.  Like they are thoughts that I came up with, attacks on the self.

I know I didn't create them.  I didn't record them or plant them or even initially think or speak them.  What I did do was adopt them as my own.  Accept them as my own.  And allow them to play over and over and over.

I truly do hope that I will one day (soon?) reach the place where the old record plays it's tune, but I don't even pay attention it.  Even better?  I hope to toss that old record out the window, and instead, replace it with some kind tracks on a shiny new mp3.......

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

I know that I've felt my absence on the blog.... I've not even read any blogs over the past three weeks, life has been that hectic!  And if you really want to know the truth, I haven't been in the mood to write much at all lately.  Maybe it's cause I had to do so much writing for the end of the school year.  And cause I have so many thank you notes to write in the next few days.
I'm dreading writing.  A lot.

The expression "absence makes the heart grow fonder" applies in two different ways here.  First, I'm hoping that means you've missed the blog!  Second, I was hoping since I've missed writing, it would make me want to write more!  You know, the break from writing makes me miss it and want to write even more....

Yeah.  Nope.

I'm going to set myself a summer goal to post three times a week, with one of those posts being Thankful Thursdays.  As it is summer, I know that it's supposed to be a time of fun in the sun, so I'm gonna try not to beat myself up too badly if I don't meet that goal, yet, at the same time, I'm hoping sharing the goal with you will make me more likely to meet it!

Aside from the end of the school chaos.... I do want to say, this was the best school year ever.  Ever.  Seriously.  Finally realized that what I've been told for ages is actually true: to best serve others, you must take care of yourself, first.

More on that later.

Inspired By...

This is a little complicated to explain, so please, gather your bag of breadcrumbs and try to follow the trail....

Sundays.  Tayla over at She'll Be Free has this great feature called Sunday Link Love.  She finds all sorts of goodies, and shares them in one easy-to-access post to start off the week.  In reading through the links this week, I stumbled across an article that made a lot of sense to me!

The link was from another blog, called Roots of She.  The post?  This one.  All about fear.  Now, you may want to head over and read the whole post (it isn't that long, and it's an easy read) but for my purposes here, I've quoted the chord that struck me:

"I sat and looked underneath the fear – what were the needs sitting underneath its surface? What was it I really wanted?......  To feel safe, to feel cozy, to feel loved......  I could meet those needs in other ways, in healthier and more healing ways, than by staying at home.......  To feel cozy: I wanted the soft feeling of a blanket wrapped around me so I wore a long, soft sweater to work and super fuzzy knee socks...... When you’re able to break down the fear or stress or anxiety, you can begin to meet the needs that are underneath it."

This is a bit of a patched together excerpt, as I eliminated a few parts here and there, cause this is the part that spoke to me.  I've had those mornings, like she writes of at the start of her post, where I just want to curl up in bed with The Pup, a soft blanket, and shut the world out for a little longer.  Days where getting up and going to work is the last thing I want to do.

Today was one of those mornings.  And taking a little inspiration from that article, I managed to get myself cozied up, carry-out style.  I found a very comfy sweater that felt like a soft blanket wrapped around me.  I found the softest socks that I had.

You know what?  It worked.  Sounds a little silly, but that big, comfy sweater and those soft, comfy socks got me out of the house and to work.  Yeah, once I got to work, and got into the day, things were peachy.  But those little comforts, they're what got me to work so that I could get into my peachy-keen day.

Sometimes it seems a simple thing.... yet, it makes a incredible impact.

(P.S.  If you're not sure what the title of this post means..... well, it's still poetry month, 

and it's a bit of a hat tip to one of my favorite poetry books - Love That Dog by Sharon Creech.)

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 25

25. What has recovery given you?

It's given me the opportunity to learn how to take care of myself.  I never really knew how to take care of myself, meet my own needs, before.  The eating disorder controlled me for more than half my life.  I was such a people pleaser, a peacemaker, a caregiver - always trying to make sure everyone else's needs were met..... and I did that all at the expense of my own needs, of my own care.  I ended up sacrificing my own well-being to help others.  All part of my issues.

My team helped me to see that part of recovery means that I start taking care of myself.  Start speaking up for myself.  Start putting myself on the list (and eventually, at the top of the list) so that I don't burn myself out.  So that I don't need to "medicate" with eating disordered behaviors.  Because I was so low in my disease, I had no choice but to ask for help, and it's through recovery that I learned how to ask and accept support.

Oddly, I guess that I could say this has all been a blessing disguised as living hell.  Cause it has been through the recovery process that I am finally learning to take care of myself, something that I should have been learning all my life......

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 22

22. Do you think you are fully committed to recovery and willing to do whatever it takes to recover? If not, what do you think is holding you back?

I truly am not sure.  

I am fully committed to taking care of my body, and getting and keeping it healthy. 

If that means recovery,
then so be it.

I am the only person that can make my life better.

I am the only person that can take care of my health.

I am the only person standing in my way.

Act 22

I saw this quote somewhere and it made me smile.  It was a sad sort of smile, though, because sometimes I forget that I am someone's reason to smile and it takes me a little while to remember the smiles that greet me every morning at school.

Anyway, I picked this quote and this book very purposefully.  My therapist introduced me to another book, The Dance of Anger by this author and I found it quite helpful.  That book wasn't in stock at the store, but knowing how much it helped me, and how anxious I was when I first opened it, I thought that reading this quote as someone delves into this topic might give them a little reassurance....

Reassurance was something Lauren Rousseau was good at.  She dreamed of being a teacher from the time she was a child, playing school with her toys as students.  When 30 year old Lauren accepted a full time teaching position at Sandy Hook, she was ready to reassure the students that she encountered.  Lauren worked a second job at Starbucks, and in her free time she enjoyed spending time with her friends, her boyfriend, and her cat.  Her family has found comfort in knowing that Lauren was happiest during this past year, as she finally was fulfilling her dream of teaching.

Act 21

One of the things I struggle with is self-care.  I tend to put myself last.... after the last person.... cause I'm still exploring my self-worth.  That's why this act was a hard, but necessary one for me, because it kind of reminded me that I need to practice what I preach.  And that means, if I'm encouraging others to take care of their bodies.... well, I need to do the same.

And I'm going to try.  Try, at least, to do more than what my team has me doing already.  Which is a lot.... but they can't do this kind of work for me.  They can't drag me to my yoga mat.  So I'm hoping that someone finds this note, reads it, and steps up to the self-care plate, which is where I am headed.

It's also where 29 year old Rachel D'Avino lived.  She lived a life where care was first and foremost.  Rachel was a behavioral therapist working with children, hoping to help them find a happy and healthy life.  She always went above and beyond in caring for those she worked with.... including herself.  Rachel loved animals, cooking, baking, and karate.  Her boyfriend was her best friend.... and now the woman working on her doctorate will be forever known as a saint that gave her life in protecting those she cared about.

Blogging for Wellbeing: Advent 2012 Part 2

December 13th - What does Peace mean to you?
People
Everywhere
Accepting and
Celebrating
Everyone

December 14th - Winter Warmth
Honestly, the warmth I find in the winter comes as layers of blankets and stretchy, comfy pants.  And any time of year, the place where I feel most safe is in my therapist's office.  There's something warm and safe in the cozy space she's created.  At this moment though?  Contentness, warmth, and all that?  It comes from snuggling with my pup.

December 15th - Do you believe in Miracles?
Wow.  I want to believe in miracles, I really do.  And sometimes, I think I do believe.  Then a huge tragedy comes along and rocks my world, as well as the nations, and I question.  I think that more than miracles, I believe in fate.  I believe in karma.  I believe that sometimes things fall into place and we might never know why.

December 16th - Surviving the Holidays
It's such a chaos filled time of the year, that sometimes it feels even more challenging to navigate than usual.  A tool I may be able to use on any other day is often forgotten amidst the holiday chaos.  One thing that I really try hard to maintain is my quiet evening time.  I need the alone time at the end of the day to unwind and decompress.  If I can give myself that time in the morning to prepare for the day, and to unwind at the end, I'm going to better be able to handle the holiday!

December 17th - You and Santa - Share the memories, good and bad
Me and the big guy don't have much of a history, so I'm taking a pass on this one.

December 18th - The School Christmas Play
Being a product of public schools, we never had a "Christmas" play, instead we had a "Holiday Concert" as it was more politically correct.  To tell you the truth, I was always a little uncomfortable at the concert.  Every grade learned different songs, and the parents all came.... I felt very out of place, as we only sang one Hanukkah song, and the rest of the festivities?  They just didn't fit in the life of a Jewish kid.

December 19th - Self Care during the holiday season
Considering I have a tough time with self-care all year round?  Yeah, this time of year it's that much worse.  I think that the biggest thing I can do to take care of myself, especially this time of year, is to try and be kind to myself.  Which in itself is no easy task.

December 20th - Share the Love!
Sharing the love is something I love to do!  I love seeing people smile, and if I can provide them with a reason to smile, that's the best gift I can give!  Reminds me of that saying, what costs nothing, but means the world to people; what can you give away, and never run out of?  The answer?  Hugs, of course!  To me, nothing says I love you like a warm hug from a good friend.

December 21st - What do your friends mean to you?
My friends... I love them more than they will probably ever know, if only because I do have a hard time expressing myself!  My friends might be few, but they are gifts, each of them.

December 22nd - Where is your inner child?
My inner child is stuck somewhere in the 1980's.... and she's trying to make herself heard these days!  As a kid, I did love playing in the snow, making snow forts and snow angels... I loved the lights of the menorah, and playing the dreidle game.... getting together with cousins and aunts and uncles....

December 23rd - Holiday Traditions...
...don't really exist in my world.  At least not yet.  One day, when I have my own family, we will have our own traditions.

December 24th - On the eve of....
I feel like every night is the eve of the rest of my life.  Every day, I hope that tomorrow will be better.  I hope, that after enough tomorrows, I really will be on the eve of the rest of my life, and it will be a great life....

Week 45: Three Wishes

Hmmm..... Three wishes.

If you were to grant me three wishes as a kid, my first wish would be for unlimited wishes!  Thank you to Aladdin for clarifying the rules!

My wishes are pretty simple, and have been the standard wishes I wish for when I wish upon a star. (Yeah, I still do that.  So what?)

Wish One - I wish for happiness and good health for those that I care about.
Wish Two - I wish that all children receive the love and care they deserve.
Wish Three - I wish to see myself the way others see me.

There you have it...  My three wishes...

(An aside - If Wish Three is granted, then I will also fall under the group of "those that I care about" and will therefore be rewarded with Wish One, as well.)

Fairy Tales and Inner Dragons

I finally found a way to describe the inner turmoil that plays out in my mind on a fairly regular basis.  I've got this nasty little inner "dragon" that constantly is breathing fire down my back.  It's MY voice in my head that's heating things up for ME.

Well, it's time to hire a dragon slayer to help me slay the beast in my brain.  I know it's not going to be easy, after all, it took 30 years for this dragon to grow, I'm not going to be able to slay it overnight.  It's going to take some time to replace the voice that once belonged to others and eventually became my own worst enemy, with a positive one. 

The challenge is internalizing that positive voice, and making it my own.  Oh, yes, I have already found one to listen to, thankfully.  And once I internalize that voice?  This dragon's days are numbered.  (Yeah, I know, the number may be in the high triple digits at the moment, but they are numbered nonetheless!)

Challenge 12, Part 3: EMBRACE

This background for this quote was taking at an incredible 5K event.  I've never run a 5K, but after being there, my goal is to complete that same event next year. 

Yeah, um.  I'm so not there yet.  My body might be the most amazing thing that I'll ever own, but more often than not, I don't feel like I "own" it, instead, I feel like my body "owns" me.  I mean, I have to deal with all the aches and pains that come from years of mistreatment.  I have to deal with the allergies, the sensitivities, the maintenance, all the stuff that isn't fun.

And all the while I really do try to remind myself that my body is a gift, and that others would be grateful to be in this vessel.

Truthfully, as much as I don't like my body, I really am grateful for it.  Even though there are bodies out there that I'd much prefer, I could have ended up with a body much worse off than the one I'm in.

How does this all fit in the "embrace" genre?  Well, I have fully embraced the idea that this body is mine, for the rest of my life.  Though right now I'm not fond of it, I'm reminded pretty regularly by my team that I'm actually doing a pretty good job taking care of not only my body, but of my mind, too.  I never thought I'd embrace therapy and this taking-care-of-me crap, but it turns out, while I was resisting the concept of self-care, I was actually doing exactly that - taking care of my self.

Funny how things work sometimes......

National Psychotherapy Day

Today is the first annual National Psychotherapy Day.  I am proud to share this information with the masses, because I have experienced the benefits of psychotherapy.

This movement is just beginning, and it's an important one.  Therapy should not be reserved for the just special situations.  Therapy should not be seen as a decadent indulgent for the middle class.  No, therapy should be seen as a lifesaving tool.  Cause that's what it is.

Therapy saved my life.  Not once, but twice.  Because at two different periods in my life, my world came crashing down around me and I was unable to dig out from beneath the rubble.  The first crash was as a young adult when I was facing some major life changes.  The therapist I worked with then was more of a short term experience from which I benefited greatly.  The second crash was more recent, and this time, I had a team to help support me, led by my incredible therapist.

See, therapy isn't just a place to go to dump your worries and whine about your life.  Therapy is a place to go if you are seeking change.  Therapy is a place to go if you want to make your life, and your world, better.  Therapy is not for the faint-hearted.  Therapy is not easy.  In fact, it's the hardest work I've ever done.  EVER.

But I'm becoming a better person because of it.  I'm on the road to liking myself, for the first time ever.  And for me, that's a huge step.  While my history may be littered with experiences that would shock many, because of therapy, I know I don't have to let the past define my present, or ruin my future.

To the most amazing team of professionals - my dietitian, my doctor, and of course, my therapist, I am forever grateful for your guidance!

Oh, and please do not think you can't afford therapy - there are people and places out there that will help you!

Read more about National Psychotherapy Day here and find them on Facebook!  Also check out this article written by one of the founders of National Psychotherapy day, as well as these articles written by those who support the day.

Challenge 9, Part 3: Wholeness

This quote pretty much speaks for itself.  

What I would give to fill the empty places in my being with love, with caring, with kindness, with compassion....

Maybe then I would know what wholeness truly feels like.

I do know, though, that the only person who can fill those voids is me.

Sometimes that's an invigorating realization, but most of the time, it's a rather frightening one.

Caving... In A Good Way!

Where I live, it's cider season.  The trees have yet to start turning, but the cider is already being pressed, the donuts already being made, and the apples already being dipped in caramel.

There is this incredible old Cider Mill nearby, one that I've been going to my whole life.  I have gone every year, at least once, as long as I can remember.  Except last year.

Last year, I let the cider season slip silently away, while a wicked war waged in my brain.  The battle between my willpower and my little enemy (formerly known as my little buddy.)

The truth is, last year, I let my eating disorder prevent me from enjoying one of the few traditions my family has..... I let my eating disorder keep me from visiting the Cider Mill and tasting even a sip of that sweet cider.  I didn't even let myself stop in to see the wheel, or the cider press, or the river with the plump little ducks, or the conveyer belt of fresh donuts (that I'm allergic to anyway, but still love the smell!)  I tortured myself by driving by several times during the season, but my eating disorder never let me stop in for a visit.

This year?  This year I'm hoping to stop in on a regular basis.  I don't care how expensive the cider is, the freedom to drink it is worth the price.  And that started today.  It's been a very long and tiring two weeks, and there's at least one more week to go till the school year settles in.  So that fresh caramel apple covered in peanuts that I ate on the way home today?  It was delicious.  And that freshly pressed cider sitting in my refrigerator?  I can't wait to have a glass of it with breakfast!

Challenge 9, Part 1: Wholeness

Sometimes, I believe that in order to truly be a whole person, you are required to fall to bits first.  That's what gives you the chance to discover all your shadows and corners of, so you can clean out the things that aren't serving you, and put yourself back together so you're an even better, more complete, version of you.

For me, that falling apart bit has been somewhat easy, and all to common.  This time, though, I've got a great team helping me put the pieces back together. Wouldn't be able to do it without them!

Challenge 8, Part 2: Learning

The other night I was invited to a friend's for dinner.  It had been a really long day, part of this crazy long week, and I was exhausted.  I knew that if I went to dinner, I'd not be good company, as I'd likely be slowly slipping into that place that I land in when I'm overtired.  The friend who invited me is one who I can lean on, and actually have in past emotional overload situations.

So when I was invited, I really, really wanted to go.  I knew that if I went, I'd get good food, and good friendship... which is great.  But I knew that I'd also probably lose it.  I don't want to do that.  I know how sensitive I am at the moment.  I know that I'm emotionally spent, and just want someone to wrap their arms around me and comfort me while I cry.  And this friend would have done that.  But I just couldn't do it.

This is one of those times when loneliness kicks in, and I wish that I had a significant other... Cause if I were in a healthy relationship, I'd have someone there for me when I need that kind of comfort.  And if I were in a healthy relationship, it'd mean that I'd have that kind of relationship with myself, too.  The one where I'd have learned how to comfort myself appropriately.  Where I've learned how to sit with and feel my emotions.  Where I'd have learned to let anger out without explosions and rage.  Where I'd have learned to feel the whole range of feelings, and not let them suffocate me.

Cause I know all of that needs to be present in my relationship with myself before I'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

I have a lot to learn...  I am willing to do the work.... I just don't think I'm there yet...