Insecure Comparisons

This.  This is where I am right now.  I didn't realize how much I do this, how much I look at people's outsides and compare it with my insides. How much I look at people's "shared successes" and compare them to my private flaws.  

I can walk through the mall, glimpse someone who looks like they have all their stuff together - they are fit, they look amazing, they've got a friend or friends with them, they're laughing or talking.  They look like what I wish I had.  

Except.  Except I don't have a clue what happens in the rest of their world.  For all I know, their behind the scenes is just as messed up as mine.

I struggle to accept my behind-the-scene life as ok.  If I can finally, finally stop comparing what goes on in my head, and behind closed doors of my home, with what I see in everyone else?  Wow.

Unwavering Commitment

My dietitian has been using this phrase over the past few weeks, and when I finally sat down to google it yesterday, nothing.  So I decided that when I met with her today, I'd try my hardest not to sidetrack the conversation, and actually learn about this concept of unwavering commitment.

I'll be honest.  It was what I hoped it wouldn't be.

unwavering commitment -  verb; to persist in meeting a goal or completing a task no matter what obstacles may arise in the process --
ex. Julie had an unwavering commitment to her health, and always fit in her workouts each and every week, no matter how hectic her schedule.

I could make a joke here, and ask where I can get a bottle of this unwavering commitment she speaks of, but yeah.  This isn't anything to joke about.  This is, finally, something that deserves my attention.

What is this going to look like for me?
1.  Put myself first.  How?  Get enough protein.  Get enough veggies, fiber, water.  Every.  Single.  Day.
2.  Acknowledge my anxiety, but don't allow it to dictate my food choices anymore.  Even if I feel like I can't eat whatever it is I know I "should" eat, even if my anxiety is screaming at me to stop eating that "thing", whatever it may be, I must push through anyway.  What's the worst that will happen?  I get sick?  That isn't the end of the world.
3.  Respect myself.  Scary as $%&#, but if I don't speak up for myself, tell people that the way they're treating me isn't ok, then who will?  No one.  That's who.

There's more.  There's lots more.  But this is a start for me.  I'm hoping to reach the place where when I crawl into bed, I can say "I am proud of my commitment to me today."  It is gonna take a while, but I will get there.  If she thinks I can, then I will.

(Hopefully my dietitian will blog about unwavering commitment.  I'll link it if she does!)

Value & Change

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day.

It started way too early with fits of nightmares interrupting my sleep from about 2am on.  

It continued with the Pup and some bladder issues.  From there, a full on melt-down resulted in a two hour nap with my fingers wrapped around my security trinket that I 

have when my therapist is away.  Insert some hyperventilating, waterworks, and a bit 

of self-destruction, and that wraps up the pathetic (and sizable) portion of my day.

Thankfully, my day ended much better than it started.  Sort of.

The upside is that the peanut spent the night so that my brother and sister-in-law could enjoy a night out and sleep past 7:00am.  I love the time we spend together.  Between dinner (I think the Pup at the most!) and snuggles before bed?  Serious yum.  I don't know 

if there is anything better than having a baby snuggling into you, one fist full of blanket, 

one fist wrapped around your hair, as they drift off to sleep.... melts even the coldest moments inside me.

It was a bit tougher when peanut went to bed, though.  Cause once again, my mind crept in.  This time, bringing a fairly familiar ponderance.  Everyone else's time, especially the time of those that support me, is much more valuable than my time.  So when someone says that they were thinking about me when they saw whatever it was that reminded them of me, I worry.  I worry that they're spending time on me when it could be spent on better things.  And when my dietitian responds to my daily check-in email, my first thought is always "doesn't matter how much this helps me, she's got better things to do with her time outside the office than spend it replying to me."  Or when my therapist says "I was thinking about what you said the other day and...." in my head, I'm thinking, "crap, she was wasting time outside of the office on me again."

Pathetic.  Pretty darn unkind if you ask me.

Some how, that everyone-elses-time-is-more-important-than-mine 

thought led to the following question:

Is it really possible for me to get over this huge wall I've built to trap myself in the small, silly world of ever-lasting childish tendencies and become the person that my team knows I am?

Not sure how one thing led to another, but, there it is.  

A huge, huge question.  

A massive realization. 

And a heck of a lot of work behind what appears to be a rather simple, 

yes or no question....

Something Wonderful

For all those out there that are

struggling,

suffering,

wishing life were easier,

kinder,

friendlier,

quieter......

For those of you fighting,

hiding,

ignoring,

avoiding,

wishing you weren't here,

hoping,

praying......

A reminder for everyone.

Including me.

Be Nice

Challenge 6, Part 4: The Self

This quote is really fitting for ME right now.  I recently had a conversation revolving around how sensitive I am to feedback and criticism.  Don't get me wrong, as an educator I'm always open to any feedback or observations classroom visitors may have - on my classroom, on my teaching - whatever.  That is feedback and criticism I like.  What I don't like is when someone points out something to me in *that* tone of voice.  The one that is dripping with judgement.  The one that instantly shuts me down.  The one that dulls my sparkle.

A comment like that need be made only once, and I shut down the behavior that brought it about (even if it was a helpful behavior for me) - say, twirling a piece of hair whilst sitting in a lecture.  I had the person next to me (a fellow teacher) actually take my hand and pull it away when doing so.... said that was "kid" behavior.  I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  Truly, I hadn't even known I was doing it.  Having ADHD, I have a lot of coping strategies that help me focus better when I am stuck in a lecture of sorts, and hair twirling is one of them.

Anyway, what my recent conversation was about how I let ONE person dictate what I needed to do.  A person that wasn't my "superior" (though she is a senior teacher) and has no power over me.  I let her dull my sparkle.  What I learned from this recent conversation is that I don't have to stop doing what I'm doing and being who I am because one person (or even a few people) don't like what I'm doing, as long as it isn't impacting them (like, say I chose to poke the person next to me instead of twirl my hair... then they'd have the right to complain!)  I am ME.  There is only one ME.  With ME comes all my quirks.... It's those quirks that sparkle the brightest....

Challenge 6, Part 3: The Self

This one is still a struggle for me.  I think what it boils down to is I am still trying to figure out who I am.  I mean, I know that I'm a person, a teacher, a daughter, a sister, a friend - all that stuff.  But really, who am I?

I've spent so much time being a chameleon, being the person that fits where I am at that moment.  In doing so, I never established a firm sense of self.  And that is one of the things I'm working on right now.

I read this great blog post from Surfacing After Silence about developing your own identity, or, more likely, finding your true self.  It definitely got me thinking about who I am and who I want to be.  I may be in my 30's, but it's never to late to do some self-discovery and create the me I want to be!

Challenge 6, Part 2: The Self

I found this quote to be very interesting.  It sounds so simple, kind of like rewording that golden rule.  But the way I look at it, it's actually quite complicated.  I want people to treat me nicely, with kindness and respect.  However, I have not quite fully learned how to speak up for myself, in regards to the fact that I avoid confrontation at all costs.  Meaning, if someone isn't treating me nicely and respectfully, I will just suck it up and take it.  I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, and chalk it up to them having a bad day, and me being the one who absorbs it.  Do you see any problems with that?  Cause for a long time, I sure didn't!  Now, though, after going through enough therapy and enough recovery, I see that there is an alternative - I don't need to suck it up and absorb it anymore.  I want to be treated respectfully and kindly, and if someone isn't doing so, I am working to give myself permission to walk away.  Tell them "You know what, this isn't working for me right now, let's try again later," and just walk away.  Easier said than done, but I'm trying!

Challenge 4, Part 5 - 7: Belief, Acceptance, Love

Self Belief.  Self Acceptance.  Self Love.

Mushing them all together for one final post for this week's topic.

I think they are actually rather well connected.  In order to have self love, you need to have self acceptance.  In order to have self acceptance, you need to have self belief.  Links in the chain of Self.  All the topics this week weave together a rather complex chain in which we build our lives upon - some more successfully than others, but all seven concepts are within each of us.  Sometimes they are buried rather deep, below layers of other self stuff (hatred, loathing, pity, etc) but they are still there.  It's our job to uncover them.  Yes, it can take a village, as no one should have to endure the process alone.  But I've been told it's a worth while journey to take, no matter how bumpy the road.

I'm taking baby steps, every few weeks, just a tiny bit closer to self love.  Along the way, of course, belief and acceptance hitch a ride, making the journey rocky and long.  But I'm finally starting to think that I might be worth it.  It's not been easy, accepting all that I've dealt with, knowing I can do nothing to change the past and make things better.  I can only accept what has happened, and believe that I am worth more than repeating the same patterns.  I have to find the belief somewhere, buried way deep inside, that I am worthy of love.  Cause no one deserves a life without love.  Not even me.

Challenge 4, Part 4: Self Respect

Please respect me as an introvert.  I'm trying to respect me as an introvert, too.

"The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others on how you 

demand to be treated.  Don't settle for anything other than respect."

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no 

longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

"Cutting people out of my life does not mean 

I hate them, it simply means I respect me."

I wish I could give credit to whoever spoke the words above.  

My therapist has helped me see how powerful self respect is, and how hard it can be to uphold.  I have a very hard time being around my parents, as I am often the wrongful target of their anger and frustration. Now when the attacks begin, I leave.  When they confront me for leaving later, I can now tell them, just because I left doesn't mean I don't love you. In my head, the second part of that sentence is I am just learning to love myself more.  Like I said - a year and a half later, and 9 out of 10 times, I can remove myself from the situation that is not healthy or respectful.  Yes it's hard.  Yes I often call my therapist in tears as soon as I leave.  But it's a step in the direction of self respect.  And that's the place in which I'd like to live.