Up for a Swing?

It's been a day.  It's been a week, actually.  A rather anxiety ridden week.  Today was the first day I felt like I had the space to breathe on my own, without relying on my team's presence.  So what did I do?  I sat in my swing.  I sat in my swing for a long time. 
Made me think of this poem:

How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
River and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside--

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown--
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down!

--Robert Louis Stevenson


It was a favorite poem of mine as a child.  The illustration is one by my favorite childhood illustrator, too.  This particular illustrator brought multicultural illustrations into her books before it was "the thing" to do.

Back to *my* swing.  I got it almost two years ago.  I bought the stand first, as there was no place to hang a swing inside my house.  I bought an inexpensive rope swing for it, too, with the intention of putting it outside in the spring.  That never happened.

Instead, I ended up getting a beautiful wicker cocoon like swing and keeping it in my living room.  And I love it.  I don't use it enough, though.  Or at least I didn't.

As of late, with my anxiety at an all time high, I've been working to find ways to self-soothe that don't involve the presence of my uber-calming team.  It hasn't been easy.  So far, Xanax is a guarantee (but I've been out of it for weeks,) as is sleep (which isn't always feasible.)  I know there are other things I can do, my dietitian has been encouraging me to take walks, which I have been.  But sometimes dragging myself out the door even for a short dog walk is rough.  Crawling over to my swing is doable.  There's something about the gentle sway, the cocoon-like shape of the swing, and the way I can curl up in it that provides a sort of calm that my nervous system really needs.

How do you self-soothe?  I'm open to new ideas and I'd love to know what works for others!

More Music

Have you seen the movie Moneyball?  It's one of my favorite movies.  I never get tired of watching it. In fact, I just finished watching it again.... and though this song struck me from the first time I watched the movie, it hit a homer tonight.  Make that a grand slam.

Music seems to be speaking to me louder than usual as of late.  Maybe because these days, other than my therapist's voice, music is the only thing that gets through to this frenetically hyperactive brain of mine. Gives me momentary pause to think.

Sometimes that's a good thing.  Tonight?  I've kinda liked not thinking.

More processing ahead.......

The Show (Lyrics below)

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle,

Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone, 

I've tried and I don't know why
Slow it down, make it stop 

or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot
To be something I'm not
I'm a fool out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough..

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot in the sky just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the signs and synchronize in time
It's a joke nobody knows, they've got a ticket to the show
Yeah, I'm just a little bit caught in the middle,
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone, 

I've tried and I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go, can't do it alone
I've tried and I don't know why
I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out, it's bringing me down
I know I've got to let it go and just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show, just enjoy the show....

(Here's the full length version)

Challenge 6, Part 4: The Self

This quote is really fitting for ME right now.  I recently had a conversation revolving around how sensitive I am to feedback and criticism.  Don't get me wrong, as an educator I'm always open to any feedback or observations classroom visitors may have - on my classroom, on my teaching - whatever.  That is feedback and criticism I like.  What I don't like is when someone points out something to me in *that* tone of voice.  The one that is dripping with judgement.  The one that instantly shuts me down.  The one that dulls my sparkle.

A comment like that need be made only once, and I shut down the behavior that brought it about (even if it was a helpful behavior for me) - say, twirling a piece of hair whilst sitting in a lecture.  I had the person next to me (a fellow teacher) actually take my hand and pull it away when doing so.... said that was "kid" behavior.  I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  Truly, I hadn't even known I was doing it.  Having ADHD, I have a lot of coping strategies that help me focus better when I am stuck in a lecture of sorts, and hair twirling is one of them.

Anyway, what my recent conversation was about how I let ONE person dictate what I needed to do.  A person that wasn't my "superior" (though she is a senior teacher) and has no power over me.  I let her dull my sparkle.  What I learned from this recent conversation is that I don't have to stop doing what I'm doing and being who I am because one person (or even a few people) don't like what I'm doing, as long as it isn't impacting them (like, say I chose to poke the person next to me instead of twirl my hair... then they'd have the right to complain!)  I am ME.  There is only one ME.  With ME comes all my quirks.... It's those quirks that sparkle the brightest....

Week 34: Calming Down

I love this image of Hobbes. Telling me, and everyone else, to calm down.  It is kind of funny, because Hobbes was always the calming factor of the pair - Calvin, off creating mischief while Hobbes was looking for a sun filled spot on the rug to rest.  Which, by the way, is one of my favorite ways to calm down, too.  A quiet rest, curled up with a soft blanket.  Nap or not, just laying there resting helps.

I also like to do something repetitive, like bounce a ball, or toss something from hand to hand - something that requires no thought, but slowly becomes a mundane routine.  Even something simple like fiddling with a soft piece of cuddle fleece, weaving it through my fingers while curled up in the corner of the couch?  That does wonders for my hyperactive mind.

Finally, I often turn to music.  Like a fellow blogger in this project, music is a huge tool for bringing me back to Earth.  On the flip side, it can also pump me up, too.  I have playlists for just about every mood - I know which list to play if I'm feeling down in the dumps and want a good cry, which list cheers me up, which list makes me want to dance (when no one is looking, of course!) and which list will settle me down.  Music says so much more than I can ever say, and there is definitely something reassuring in that.

Challenge 2, Part 3: Creativity

How can one be self-nurturing?

    Drawing with fresh new crayons and crisp white paper
    Sipping warm glass of hot cocoa
    Soaking in a bubble bath
    Taking time for yourself
    Strolling leisurely in the sunshine
    Reading a favorite book
    Snuggling with something really soft
    Letting the tears flow
    Asking for help when you need it
    Indulging in your favorite activity
    Treating yourself with patience

That is how one can self-nurture.

© MGD July 2012   

100 Ways to Nurture Yourself     

Want more?  How about.....

101 Ways to Nurture Your Real Self

 

Challenge 2, Part 1: Self Nurturing

I look at this week's topic and feel the same twinge of panic that I felt in addressing last week's topic on Self-Care and Self-Soothing.  They are all intertwined in my mind, and they are all strugglesome areas.

Self nurturing means the same thing as both self-care and self-soothing combined: They are all ways we need to take care of the self.  The difference in my mind is that nurturing is often seen more motherly, whereas self-care and self-soothing are more self-care.  Nurturing the self seems rather challenging, as I still sometimes wish I could be mothered the way in which "typical" kids are mothered, even though I'm a grown adult!

When I nurture others, which I do daily in my job as a grade school teacher, I am offering positive and constructive feedback, praise, encouragement, support, and loads of other things to my students, as a way of coaxing out the best "them" they can be.  There is lots of laughter and fun, and sometimes tears and unhappiness, but we work through those spots together, calmly and with care.  No child is ever made to feel less than for any reason - all abilities and differences are embraced.  I listen objectively and with an open-mind to all ideas, and we move forward collectively, yet each individual child is still at their own pace within the grand scheme of things.

Do I apply that same understanding, acceptance, patience, kindness, and compassion to myself?  No f*ing way.  But I'm starting to at least try, rather than avoid the self-nurturing piece all together, which is what I've done for years.  I lived in survival mode, and there just wasn't room for any of that self-nurturing, lovey-dovey crap.

I stop myself from caring about myself because I don't like myself.  I like others.  I love my students (in a teacherly sort of way) so I want to help them.  I don't love me (yet) so I don't want to help me.  I don't feel worthy of anything positive, which is why, especially when things are rough, I sometimes I still step back and marvel at the good things I DO have in my world - my home, a job I love, an incredible therapist and support team, a family that loves me (even if I feel smothered by them) and lots of other things.  I often am caught breathless when I think about how much I do have, and how little I believe I deserve that goodness.  Instead, I deserve all the crap-ness that comes my way.  That is what I am worthy of, not the good.

Step by step, little by little, one day at a time, I'm working to change this.  With the support of all of you reading, with the encouragement and support of my team, and with my sheer determination, I know that once I put my mind to it, I will be on the top of my list of people to help..... one day....

Challenge 1, Part 3: Creativity

I learned a lot about this week's topic by reading everyone's posts.  That is probably one of the best gifts of a blogging community - we learn from each others words, experiences, and stories.  Still have a lot to learn over here, but this challenge sure gave me a good start on the topics of self-care and self-soothing!

Struggling to learn

Enough about how to

Live a life

Full of love and

Compassion for my self

Along with

Realizing that

Even I am worth it.

Self-Care

complicated, effort-full

discouraging, challenging, empowering

a worthwhile skill to acquire

Self-Soothing 

© MGD July 2012

A really great list of ideas to take care of the self: 70 ways for Self Care

Challenge 1, Part 2: Self Soothing

Continuing with this challenging topic, moving into self-soothing, where I struggle even more, has been an interesting process.  Again, keep in mind, as negative as this might seem, I do know that things can only get better and easier, which is the silver lining on this whole process!  I think that compared to self care, self soothing is a whole different ball game.  My ways of soothing myself, of calming myself, aren't the healthiest.  So once again, a heck of a lot of effort gets put into this area as well.  I am super sensitive to light, sound, texture, temperature, all that stuff.  It poses a challenge more often than not, but I'm getting better at figuring out (with the help of my therapist and team) how to work through these sensory overload situations.

This might sound childish or corny, but I am very much a texture person - I love the feel of softness.  If I'm having a really hard day, I may tuck a scrap of this ultra soft cuddly fleece into my pocket, just so I have it for comfort.  I have super soft sheets for my bed, and a blanket made of the ultra soft fleece as well.  In addition, I do have a few stuffies that live on my bed that are perfect for when I need to wrap my arms around something and just hold tight.  All the softness is really comforting.  Strangely enough, as much as I hate the dentist, I like the feeling of having the lead vest covering me.  It is really helpful in grounding me when I get too spacy.  I have looked into weighted blankets that are helpful for those with autism, and due to costs, I'm hoping I'll eventually be able to make my own?  Not that crafty, so we'll see how that goes!

Other things I do at home to self-soothe include napping, reading a familiar book (it's like visiting my best friends,) and listening to music.  I also like to do yoga, and find a few restorative poses can be really helpful.  Sometimes I'm just so disoriented and upset, that all I can do is curl up in a ball and breathe, but you know what?  It works.

When I'm not at home, it's a little tougher to self-soothe when I get into a bad spot.  I do carry Xanax with me (and would not be able to survive without it) which is great because of it's near instant impact.  It usually gives me enough time to get refocused without going into a full on anxiety attack.  Carrying the little bit of fabric helps too, cause the softness can easily be run through my fingers without drawing attention to me.  Considering I teach grade school, my students often have little fidgets in their hands, so they see it the same and love that their teacher uses fidgets too!  Strange as this may sound, if I'm struggling, sometimes I will call my therapist's voicemail, just to hear her voice, which has a really calming effect on me.  At home or out and about, sometimes a walk outside (if the weather is cooperative) can also help.

While I know that many of my self-soothing tools are rather childish, they're what I've got right now.  Eventually I hope that I don't get as overstimulated and am better able to regulate just through breathing or what-not, but for now?  You gotta do what you gotta do, right?!