Meet The Robinsons

Have you seen the movie Meet The Robinsons?  It's one of, if not my favorite Disney movie.  It's one of those movies that if I see it is on, I flip to it just to have it playing in the background, and then end up watching much of it!

The other day, I hit the couch after a very intense therapy session, and flipped on the television.  What was on?  Yup!  Meet The Robinsons!  It was the tail end of the movie, and the perfect way to decompress.

(Click HERE for the lyrics)

While I've seen the movie in it's entirety at least a half dozen times (I show it nearly every year in the classroom) I've never truly heard the song that plays at the end.  And this time, after the intensity of therapy, I heard it.

Don't know if it's cause of where I was in the moment, or if I finally listened to the lyrics, or what, but wow.  I heard it like I've never heard it before.  And I cried.  Oh...... how I cried.

Fairy Tales and Inner Dragons

I finally found a way to describe the inner turmoil that plays out in my mind on a fairly regular basis.  I've got this nasty little inner "dragon" that constantly is breathing fire down my back.  It's MY voice in my head that's heating things up for ME.

Well, it's time to hire a dragon slayer to help me slay the beast in my brain.  I know it's not going to be easy, after all, it took 30 years for this dragon to grow, I'm not going to be able to slay it overnight.  It's going to take some time to replace the voice that once belonged to others and eventually became my own worst enemy, with a positive one. 

The challenge is internalizing that positive voice, and making it my own.  Oh, yes, I have already found one to listen to, thankfully.  And once I internalize that voice?  This dragon's days are numbered.  (Yeah, I know, the number may be in the high triple digits at the moment, but they are numbered nonetheless!)

Challenge 6, Part 4: The Self

This quote is really fitting for ME right now.  I recently had a conversation revolving around how sensitive I am to feedback and criticism.  Don't get me wrong, as an educator I'm always open to any feedback or observations classroom visitors may have - on my classroom, on my teaching - whatever.  That is feedback and criticism I like.  What I don't like is when someone points out something to me in *that* tone of voice.  The one that is dripping with judgement.  The one that instantly shuts me down.  The one that dulls my sparkle.

A comment like that need be made only once, and I shut down the behavior that brought it about (even if it was a helpful behavior for me) - say, twirling a piece of hair whilst sitting in a lecture.  I had the person next to me (a fellow teacher) actually take my hand and pull it away when doing so.... said that was "kid" behavior.  I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  Truly, I hadn't even known I was doing it.  Having ADHD, I have a lot of coping strategies that help me focus better when I am stuck in a lecture of sorts, and hair twirling is one of them.

Anyway, what my recent conversation was about how I let ONE person dictate what I needed to do.  A person that wasn't my "superior" (though she is a senior teacher) and has no power over me.  I let her dull my sparkle.  What I learned from this recent conversation is that I don't have to stop doing what I'm doing and being who I am because one person (or even a few people) don't like what I'm doing, as long as it isn't impacting them (like, say I chose to poke the person next to me instead of twirl my hair... then they'd have the right to complain!)  I am ME.  There is only one ME.  With ME comes all my quirks.... It's those quirks that sparkle the brightest....

Perspective

I had a major attitude adjustment last week.  It was very much needed.

In a short, 15 minute conversation, I was relieved of months of anxiety involving a specific situation that had taken over a large chunk of real estate in my brain.  After month 5 of that same situation coming up over and over, it seemed to have purchased the property.

Amazingly, things quickly shifted when the *right* words registered in my brain.  A new landlord came and kicked out the previous owner, and finally, finally left a little room for calm space to reside.  It really was a 15 minute conversation (one that has happened no less than a dozen times over the past 5 months,) so it wasn't anything I hadn't already heard, but this time, I listened differently.  I heard the same words, but they didn't land in the same place.

When it comes to me, I tend to see things from a very narrow perspective, one that gets even narrower when it comes to my thoughts.  Ironically, I'm incredibly good at helping my students see multiple sides to any situation or story.  I just can't see it myself, at least not without help.

I'm good at taking the blame for anything and everything that goes wrong.  I mean, it has to be my fault, it has been my whole life, so why would now be any different?  In many cases (ok, 97% of them,) I still take the blame, but now, in this situation?  I don't.  And while this is a situation likely to arise again and again, next time it happens, it won't be renting space in my brain for long.

Oh, and while I'm great at taking the blame for anything and everything?  When it comes to taking credit for the good stuff?  Yeah.  I can't do that.  But that's a whole different post!