Standing Out vs Being Noticed

I was driving in turtle-speed traffic this afternoon when I noticed a lime green sporty-type car that was impossible to miss.  Which got me thinking.  Stand out or be noticed?  What's the difference?

I used to want a bright purple car.  I (obviously) love purple, and I wanted to not lose my car in parking lots.  At the time I had a boring silver car, that was similar to probably 70% of cars in most parking lots.  I always lost that car in the parking lot, and since it didn't have the remote keyless entry, there was no clicking of the lock button to get the horn to honk and alert me to it's location.

I wanted a purple car so I wouldn't lose it.  I never realized that a car like that would most definitely be noticed. 

So I started thinking.  When you stand out, it's your actions that make you stand out, who you are makes you stand out.  It's putting together a presentation that is so far above and beyond what anyone else did, just because you had that much fun with the task, and were able to use all your skills to present the material.  You're not doing it to get noticed, you're doing it cause it's something you genuinely love to do and share.

I feel like when you want to be noticed, you do things in order to be seen, like buy a lime green car.  Or in my case, it would have been buying a purple car, though I didn't think of it that way at the time.  Being noticed, I think, is equal to what kids say is being a show off.  It's doing things specifically for attention.   

As I type this, I realize this has everything to do with my new job.  Everything.

See, I know I stand out when it comes to my gift of teaching.  It is something I was born with, an ability that I didn't have to learn, it was always just there.  Because it was a g-d given talent, and one I truly love, I continue to learn and grow and hone my skills.  This makes me stand out.  This also makes me uncomfortable.  Cause I didn't choose this gift.  I didn't ask to be *that* skilled here.  It is just who I am.  And the idea of taking and sharing this?  I feel like people might think I'm showing off or trying to be noticed, when that couldn't be farther from the truth.  For 14 years I was content teaching behind a closed door, doing my thing, reaching my students in ways no other had done so.  

This is part of what makes me uncomfortable.  I have a gift, a talent, per say, that is one not many around me possess.  I am more than happy to share, to teach, to support those in their quest to grow stronger in this area.  However, I don't feel like that makes me special, and the fact that it does indeed make me stand out makes me uncomfortable.  Ironically, this is basically the crux of my new job, so I better start getting used to standing out in this area.....

Gulp.

Lots o Lasts

I got a new job.

And I am SO excited!

I'll still be working in education, but instead of one classroom of kids, I get to work with an entire building of kids. It's going to be a different kind of work, but I think it's going to be equally as fulfilling and fun (once I get over the initial shock, of course!)

The downside of this new position is that I'm leaving my district.

My district.

I've worked there for 14+ years.

Same building the whole time.

And I have to say farewell.

As this new opportunity sinks in, I'm realizing that I'm hitting a lot of "lasts" right now.

Last field trips with the district.  Last round of parent-teacher conferences (I won't miss this a lot, but I will miss the connection!) Last time for the Art show. Last time for Science night. Knowing this past fall was the last time I set up my classroom. The last time I decorated it for class parties. Last time for the end of year celebrations. Last year for the school traditions.

Lots and lots of lasts.

That makes me anxious and nervous and really, really sad.

I know that with lasts, comes firsts.

And firsts can give me something to look forward to.

First time meeting my new team. First time experience a first day of school in a different place. First school fair. First day in a cafeteria. First school with a fireplace! First time playing in the Innovation Hub. First step into the world of leadership.

Lots of firsts.

And while they make me nervous and anxious and sick-to-my-stomach, they make me excited, too.

New adventures always mean you leave something behind.

With new opportunities come farewells.

Every "last" means you're heading into a new "first."

I guess it's good that I've been working on holding conflicting feelings without melting into a puddle of emotion, cause without that practice, I think this opportunity would have ended before it began.

Define Success

How do you define success?

Married?  Two kids?  White picket fence?  Labradoodle?  Salary?  Social circle?  Beauty?   Career?  Inner calm?  Physical fitness?

All of the above?

I thought I had a definition of success.  In my mind, you were successful when you reached the place where you were married, with two kids, a cozy home (not too big, not too small,) a lively and supportive social circle, a nest egg, a career that paid for everything, family vacations, a good education, and health.  One parent was always available for the kids, either due to job flexibility or being a stay at home parent.

Over time, my definition shrunk.  You were considered successful if you were married and had a family, with a nice little house and a few family vacations or stay-cations every year.  Ideally, someone was always available for the kids, and there was a stay at home parent until the kids reached school age.

From there, it further shrunk to involve a partner and a family with a supportive social circle, a safe home, and a healthy community.

All of my definitions of success involve having a family.

And here I am, in my late 30s, without one.  Single as a sliver. 

So if you ask me if I'd consider myself a success, I'd quickly reply with a definitive no.

Until tonight.

Success.  I have a great job, career, actually, that I love.  There is limitless room for growth and expansion in this career.  I am recognized as an expert in my area (which still makes me very, very uncomfortable.)  I have financial independence and security that I built for myself.  I have a home that is just right for me (even though I now want different) and in a safe area where I feel comfortable.  And despite all my health challenges of the past, I'm on a forward moving road to neutralizing my health overall, thanks to the most incredible support team in the world.

Success.  Family is not mentioned above.  Yeah, I have my brother and his wife and the peanut, whom I adore.  I get to be an aunt and enjoy the love that comes with that.  But I have no partner.  I share my house (still not quite a home) with the Pup and an aloe plant.  And I've kept that aloe plant alive for nearly three years.  Success.

Not quite what I pictured when I pictured success, but for now..... I'm working on changing my image of it.  Re-framing success, if you will.

How do you define success?

So Proud

This week I had the privilege of participating in a two day conference for school.  My first year I was just a spectator.  My second year I presented.  This year, my third, I presented again, and brought students with me for a different showcase each day.

As I stood back and watched my 8-10 year-olds present their learning to hundreds of complete strangers, I couldn't help but tear up.  I was (and am!) SO proud of them.  I stood back with their parents and watched my students explain and share things that kids twice their age don't yet know how to do.  And when we packed up each day, I told each student how proud I was of them.  I was proud of how well they spoke, how they were-risk takers, how they remained focused on the task, the list could go on.  A total of 10 students came, five each day, and each and every one of them made me proud.  The last thing I told them?  That not only was I proud of them, but that they should be proud of themselves, too.

Kinda funny, the way things work.

This week, with the chaos of the conference, and the chaos with my head and my belly, following my meal plan was not easy.  I got less than 6 hours of sleep each night as my schedule had me on the go for what felt like 48 hours straight.  I was away from home, which limited my food choices.  It was not easy.  Yes, I was enjoying the energy of the conference, but I felt completely depleted by the time I got home.

Last night, I sent my usual wrap up email to my dietitian, and outlined the chaos of the day, sharing how freaking exhausted I was, and how amazing my students did.  Her reply?

"So proud of you!"

I am always telling different students I'm proud of them.  They all are working at accomplishing different tasks, and when they reach one?  I'm beaming with pride.

Yet.  When someone says they're proud of me?  It's totally foreign.

When I was growing up, and to be honest, to this day, when my parents said they were proud of me, it always came with a big, annoying, "but."  That "but" over-rode whatever the point of pride was.  Didn't matter how good it was, there was always that "but" that meant it wasn't good enough.

So when my dietitian said she was proud of me?  I cried a little.
And when a colleague who was at the conference with me today said that she was proud of me?  I cried a little more. 

I'm not used to people telling me they're proud of me. 
It happens once in a blue moon.
It's really hard to hear.
And hearing it twice in 24 hours was too much for me.

I mean, I would hope that as an adult, I wouldn't need to hear "I'm proud of you," from others.  I would hope that I could just be proud of myself, regardless of what others say or think.  That's why I tell my kids they should be proud of themselves, so hopefully, they'll start internalizing that, and not rely on others to develop their self worth.

If only I could follow my own example.

For now...... I've saved the email my dietitian sent.  I've read it a dozen times today.  I'm sure I'll read it a dozen times tomorrow, and frequently in the days that follow.  It may only be four words long, but......

NEDA Week 2015 - Media Matters

My favorite show growing up was a Disney piece called Kids, Incorporated.  I wanted to be like one of the characters, Renee, as she had hair similar to mine. 

Even as an eight year old, I knew I wasn't pretty.  I wanted to be pretty like Renee.  As the show continued, and Renee grew, I watched her get heavier, and decided I no longer wanted to be like her.  I was probably ten when I recognized that her weight gain was not a good thing.  Didn't matter that in "real life" she was probably hitting puberty, and her body was naturally doing what bodies do.  But to me, she was getting fat.  And I was not going to let my body do that.

Now days, kids are exposed to SO much more media than I was.  I mean, I pretty much watched Kids, Inc, and maybe a few shows on Nickelodeon, but that was it.  I never read teen magazine, I preferred Disney magazine.  I just wasn't exposed to what kids are today.  For that, I consider myself lucky.

As an older teen, I was (and truthfully, continue to be) easily influenced by media.  I remember spending many Friday nights walking around the mall with my BFF at the time.  She loved looking at all the clothes in the store windows.  I loved looking at all the people and deciding if I wanted to be like them or not.  I was twelve.

I had already spent years as a chameleon - I could like whatever the person I was with at the time liked.  This was one more step into the distorted body image challenge that continues to follow me around as an adult.

While I still struggle with food and eating and body image in general, as a teacher, I make certain that my words remain neutral, positive, and encouraging to my students in all areas.  They need to know that who they are right this second is just right.  It doesn't matter what their favorite actor or singer looks like or does.  Their little bodies are exactly as they should be, and just like their job right now is school, their other job is to feed their body healthy stuff, and stay active.  I just hope they remember this when the media becomes their main teacher.

Week 10: Accomplishments

Funny timing, this week's topic is.

Even a week ago, my accomplishment list would have been sorta short, and very mundane - graduating high school, graduating college, getting a job, buying a home, etc, etc, etc.

But this week?  This week brought about a very powerful accomplishment.

I had my first "real" job interview.  And I think it went pretty ok, too.

You might be wondering what I mean, since you likely know that I have an awesome teaching job that I love, which is true.  I do have a fantastic job that I absolutely love, working with children at an age I enjoy.  So didn't I interview for that job?  Sorta.  See, I was in the school for two years before I was hired, so my interview was more like sitting down with an old friends and chatting, and less like a job interview with a stranger.

This interview was for a job that would be pretty spectacular.  I'd still get to work with kids, but in a drastically different environment.  I'd still be doing what I love, even more of it, actually, but the environment...... can't explain how different it would be.

I don't intend to leave my current job.  I love it too much.  I wanted to go on the interview to see if I could do it, if I could keep it together, stay presentable, and survive an interview with strangers instead of colleagues I knew.

I accomplished that.

Now back to work!

Week 3: Inspirations and Influences

Well, I gotta think about this one a bit.  I wrote a whole post out and then realized it doesn't fit this week's topic!  Saved for another day, I suppose......

Anyway, inspirations and influences is the topic of the week.  Inspirations and influences I have plenty.

Inspirations and influences..... this may sound a little funny, but I am often so inspired by my students.  I mean, some of these kids, not even teens, have experienced so much in their short lives.

Just this week I visited a student in the hospital with a new cancer diagnosis.  A few weeks ago I was talking to a student with a very, very severe case of something similar to cystic fibrosis, as she readied for her second major surgery in six months.  Before the holidays, I had a lengthy conversation with a student who is struggling with the fact that her father left the family, moved across the country, yet still wants to be "dad" to a child who doesn't want to speak to him.

These kids have been through hell and are barely old enough to tie their shoes.  Yet, they still have such a positive attitude, that they inspire me.

Often, after a rough day at school, I will look at some of the notes students have given me over the years, and remind myself that this is why I teach.  These kids.  They let me into their lives for one short year, and they likely never realize the mark they leave on my heart.......

What I Do vs Who I Am

My therapist says that what we do is who we are.   

What I Do:
I teach 25 pairs of ears how to be respectful listeners.
I teach 25 pairs of eyes how to read, write, and do math, discover, and look deeper.
I teach 25 pairs of hands how to play fair, cooperate, and explore.
I teach 25 mouths to ask questions, to communicate kindly, and share knowledge.
I teach 25 brains how to think, wonder, and reflect; how to be curious, and creative.
I teach 25 hearts how to be thoughtful, empathetic, and giving; caring and brave.
I teach from my heart...... and I'm pretty good at what I do.

Who I am:
I am the daughter of dysfunctional parents.
I am the sister of challenging siblings.
I am lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem.
I am an unsuccessful peace-keeper.
I am filled with self-doubt and worry. 
I am unsure of myself.
I am afraid of the world.

Continuing on the theme of trust, and holding on to the idea that my therapist believes what we do is who we are, well......

I think what I do is pretty darn awesome.  If only I could merge with who I am, more like who I *think* I am.....

I trust my therapist, so hopefully that means the merger will happen soon?

Snow, snow, snow?!?

Already?!  On Veteran's Day?  It's too early!

This is what I walked out to this evening.  So not ready for it!

At least it explains why the kids were off the wall today!  There's always that chaos in school the day of the first snow........

Snow, while white and fluffy, and often pretty and sparkly, depresses me.  It means that it's indoor season.  The darkness arrives at dinnertime.  Darkness can be cozy, but when heading into the season of darkness?  Yeah..... it's gonna be an interesting winter!

Topic of Conversation?

I had the strangest, yet incredibly inspiring conversation with my students today.

Oddly enough, the conversation topic?  Eczema.

I suffer from eczema, which takes up residence on my face and scalp.  I can hide it pretty well sometimes, but other times, like now, with the seasons changing, it is in a major flare up. 

And I can't hide it.  No matter how hard I try.

So today, as I sat in front of 25 pairs of eyes, and I had white blotches all over my face.... I decided to be honest with them, and head off any odd stares or questions.

"Do I have white stuff all over my face?" I asked them.  They all nodded, rather solemnly, at that.  "I have eczema, which means spots of my skin get all itchy and flaky sometimes.  Today is one of those times.  I know it looks funny, sort of like a clown...." (more nods, and a few giggles,) "but if I'm not careful, it really starts to hurt!  And this morning, I was in such a hurry to get to school, I forgot to put my cream on.  So I put it on just now, and that's what all the white splotches are."

Silence.  I was a little worried.  I've never been that blatant about my eczema before, with anyone (except my treatment team, of course)  And here I was, explaining it to a bunch of 8-9-10 year olds.

A small miracle happened that really made my heart leap just a little bit.  One by one, students started sharing their experiences with eczema.  Some have it themselves, and as one child said "In the winter, I have to put TWO layers of cream all over my body in the morning!"  While another chirped up "My sister has it all over her belly and back, I rub the lotion on for her sometimes."  And another, "I have it all over my hands and arms, and in the winter, it gets so bad it sometimes bleeds!" 

The stories kept coming.  And no one said yuck or gross or eww or anything.  Even when several kids chimed in that they too, experience cracking skin and bleeding when it gets bad.

No one flinched.

For some reason, it felt like a very important conversation to me.  I grew up so ashamed of all my "issues"..... I don't know why, it might have been one that rolled off their backs never to be thought of again..... but deep down, I'm hoping that it showed the kids that sometimes, the things we might not like about our bodies, aren't as bad as we think they are, because we're not alone in our struggles.......

Saturday Smiles

 

I know, I know.  Teacher humor.  I just couldn't resist!

 

Day 14: Happiness

This prompt should be pretty easy, for once!  Ten things that make me happy.....

My favorite Albus Dumbledore quote....

1. the Pup
2. teaching
3. doing something new/fun on my computer
4. reading a good book
5. relaxing on a comfy swing or hammock
6. a clean house
7. hugs
8. smiles
9. a really good meal
10. chocolate

Day 14 Prompt: Ten things that make you really happy.

Day 6: What do you do?

You want to know what I do?  It's pretty simple.

I help mold the future.

I listen to dreams, questions, and hopes.

I motivate people to try.

I learn from those I am with.

I inspire people to find their strengths.

I share my talents and gifts.

I encourage people to embrace their challenges.

I give my time to help others.

I celebrate risk-takers.

I care about those I interact with.

I embrace differences.

I love each individual as they are.

I turn self-doubts into moments of celebration. 

Day 6 Prompt: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?

Day 2: An Education

Good Morning Class!  Today we're going to explore how to procrastinate. 

To begin your procrastination journey, write the due date of whatever the task is on your calendar.  For good measure, stick it on a post-it note on your mirror, too, so you see it every day.

Next, set yourself a schedule so you know when you need to have certain tasks complete on the journey to final project completion.  Ignore this schedule.

Third, spend at least a few minutes every morning and evening staring at your calendar, counting the days that you have left to complete the task.

Fourth, schedule an entire weekend to complete the entire project.  Prepare yourself by scheduling library time, and making a list of supplies you'll need to pick up in order to complete the project.

Then, when said weekend arrives, distract yourself by watching old movies you DVRd, and spending time on Pinterest and reading your blog statistics to see how quickly they change.

Finally, the night before the project is due, spend an exorbitant amount of time totally anxious, to the point of a panic attack.  Once said attack has passed, turn some music on really loudly to drown out all the negative voices in your head, and get to work.  Stay up as late as possible (midnight or one o'clock in the morning) and set your alarm for an hour and a half early, just to add the finishing touches.

When you turn said project in, you will feel a huge sense of relief for completing it.  You will promise yourself never, ever, ever to do that much procrastinating again.  This, of course, will go completely out the window when you get the A on your project, and realize that procrastination really is ok.  If only you could do something about the accompanying panic attacks......


Day 2 Prompt: Educate us on something you know a lot about or are good at. Take any approach you'd like (serious and educational or funny and sarcastic.)

Act 25

This act might sound a little different than the others have.  It is a very personal act, and very deliberate, and no less powerful than the rest.  Interestingly, while I was the giver of the act, I definitely received something particular in this one.

I do not have the greatest relationship with my family.  They are my family and I love them, but I love them even more from a distance, be it space or time (and often, both.)  My siblings speak with my parents on a daily basis.  I don't.  Doesn't mean I love them any less.  My parents would love to talk to me multiple times a day (and sometimes they attempt to do so) but that doesn't work for me.

My mom always tells me that my dad loves when I call him.  He works long hours on his feet all day, and when he hears from me, when I call him instead of him calling me, it just makes his day.  This is my mom's (not so) subtle way of telling me to call him.  Well, today I did.  I caught him on his way into work, and he was elated to hear from me.  I don't often do what my family wishes I would, but making this call to my dad, without my mom "prompting" me to do so..... I did this act for her, for my dad, and for Anne Marie Murphy.

Anne Marie was "just" a teacher's aide, however, those in education know that a teacher's aide is as vital of a role as a teacher when it comes to the classroom.  And in this case, 52 year old Anne Marie, who not only helped in art and special ed, she also gave her life protecting one of her students.  Though they both lost their lives, Dylan's parents find comfort in knowing that he was not alone when he died.... he was with his beloved aide.  Loving children was part of Anne Marie's world.  She had a large family, and enjoyed being around them.  She lived her life helping children, and her life was cut short while doing the same thing.

NEDA Week: Some Statistics

This statistic sickened me.  I've taught third grade.  I know what they are like.  I hate knowing that the chance of wishing his or her body was different by age eight.... so sad.

Eating disorders are sly, cunning, and baffling and they strike when you least expect.  If you know someone who might have some unusual eating tendencies, or anything that gives you a red flag... even a casual conversation could be more helpful than you realize.

Today's featured blog is Weighing the Facts, a blog that has a lot to celebrate - including recently turning 5 in the blogosphere.  This blog is full of resources - from quotes, to poems, to blog posts, to facts and stats.  I found a lot of comfort in the inspiration on this page.

Wordless.

Twice during 2012 I participated in blog challenges that involved posting daily for a full month.  (You can see them HERE and HERE.)  Daunting as it may sound, I actually found those challenges very motivating.  Not that I'd want to do it every month, but sometimes it seems to be helpful.... especially right now.

Cause I am finding myself at a loss for words lately.  Incapable of completing a thought, much less speaking a complete sentence.  That's what depression does sometimes, at least to me.  It robs me of my ability to express thoughts and words in a coherent manner.  And yes, this is making teaching rather interesting! Thank goodness for the nine-year-old's sense of humor!  I am confident they have been quite amused as of late.

What I'm finding interesting about this particular "loss-of-words" experience is that for the first time, it's not just my sentences that are incomplete.  This time, my thoughts are so erratic that they are often incomplete, too.  It's almost comical, one minute I'll be thinking about what I'm teaching after lunch, the next minute my grocery list gets mixed in, but only for a moment before I'm thinking about the book I'm reading.  It's exhausting!

The good news is that I know my ADHD brain is used to multiple thoughts moving through the grey matter at once.  Even better news is that like all rough times, this too shall pass. I just wish it would pass at a slightly faster pace!

Some Friday Fun!

Things have been a little, well, a little blah this week.  I don't want to end the week on a depressing note, so.... here's a little Friday Fun for you!

A little handwriting practice for kids today....
(courtesy of ShirtWoot!)

Laughter compliments of Mental Floss

Hopefully you're now starting your weekend off with a laugh!  

(Or at least a little giggle!)

A Shocking Tragedy

Photo Credit: Enchanted Photography

I have no words.  Only shock.  Only grief.  They were just babies.  It could have happened anywhere.  Any school.  Any teacher.  Any child.  I am numb with shock.  

May the violence end here, and peace forever reign.

Week 41: Dream Job

That's an easy one!

If I could do any job, I'd be a technology teacher in an elementary school.  Let me be more specific- I would be a technology teacher in an elementary school that has up-to-date and fully functioning technology!

I've thought about a variety of different educational endeavors that I could tackle over the years, but all of them take me out of the classroom, which is my favorite part of teaching.  For the last few years I've become the go-to person for tech trouble in my building.  I'm also a creative brainstormer when it comes to ways to integrate technology into projects and learning instead of making it an add on.

I don't know...... there's something pretty spectacular about putting a digital native (read: child of today) in front of a computer and supporting them along the creative and innovative learning experience of today....

So there you have it, my dream job.  If anyone happens to have an extra salary laying around, and would be willing to donate it to my school, I'd happily accept it, cause right now, a tech teacher is not in the budget!