30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 18

18. Do you have any other diagnosed disorders aside from an eating disorder? How are you dealing with these issues? If you don’t have another disorder, what are some psychological issues that affect your eating disorder right now?

Really?  

Really?  

Must we open *that* can of worms?

Just kidding. 

Really.

It's actually a good question to ask, because eating disorders often coexist with other mental illnesses.  And if it helps one person who also enjoys the feast I have been served, then it is worth taking the time to share.

Funny story, my life is.  I went into therapy for severe depression.  Never expected to be diagnosed with an eating disorder.  Then again, I didn't expect a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnosis either.  I always thought that it was just how I was.  ADHD was diagnosed in college, but according to one of my grade school teachers, it made perfect sense as to how school rolled out for me.  I hated school.  It was *impossible* to concentrate.  Studying?  Not a chance.  Anything that required prolonged focus was not happening.  While I don't officially have an OCD diagnosis, I have a few too many of the tendencies.

  

In summary: 

Severe Depression.  PTSD.  ADHD.  OCD.  Anxiety.  

Oh, and an eating disorder.

At least that one is on it's way out.

How do I deal with all of this alphabet soup?  Therapy.  Lots and lots of therapy.  With an incredible therapist.  I can even give credit to my previous therapists, cause without experiencing them, I would never have known how challenging, yet powerful, therapy can be when you have the right therapist.  And considering my therapist is only one member of my treatment team, I know that I've got a lot of support to rely on as needed.

Wordless.

Twice during 2012 I participated in blog challenges that involved posting daily for a full month.  (You can see them HERE and HERE.)  Daunting as it may sound, I actually found those challenges very motivating.  Not that I'd want to do it every month, but sometimes it seems to be helpful.... especially right now.

Cause I am finding myself at a loss for words lately.  Incapable of completing a thought, much less speaking a complete sentence.  That's what depression does sometimes, at least to me.  It robs me of my ability to express thoughts and words in a coherent manner.  And yes, this is making teaching rather interesting! Thank goodness for the nine-year-old's sense of humor!  I am confident they have been quite amused as of late.

What I'm finding interesting about this particular "loss-of-words" experience is that for the first time, it's not just my sentences that are incomplete.  This time, my thoughts are so erratic that they are often incomplete, too.  It's almost comical, one minute I'll be thinking about what I'm teaching after lunch, the next minute my grocery list gets mixed in, but only for a moment before I'm thinking about the book I'm reading.  It's exhausting!

The good news is that I know my ADHD brain is used to multiple thoughts moving through the grey matter at once.  Even better news is that like all rough times, this too shall pass. I just wish it would pass at a slightly faster pace!

Challenge 6, Part 4: The Self

This quote is really fitting for ME right now.  I recently had a conversation revolving around how sensitive I am to feedback and criticism.  Don't get me wrong, as an educator I'm always open to any feedback or observations classroom visitors may have - on my classroom, on my teaching - whatever.  That is feedback and criticism I like.  What I don't like is when someone points out something to me in *that* tone of voice.  The one that is dripping with judgement.  The one that instantly shuts me down.  The one that dulls my sparkle.

A comment like that need be made only once, and I shut down the behavior that brought it about (even if it was a helpful behavior for me) - say, twirling a piece of hair whilst sitting in a lecture.  I had the person next to me (a fellow teacher) actually take my hand and pull it away when doing so.... said that was "kid" behavior.  I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself.  Truly, I hadn't even known I was doing it.  Having ADHD, I have a lot of coping strategies that help me focus better when I am stuck in a lecture of sorts, and hair twirling is one of them.

Anyway, what my recent conversation was about how I let ONE person dictate what I needed to do.  A person that wasn't my "superior" (though she is a senior teacher) and has no power over me.  I let her dull my sparkle.  What I learned from this recent conversation is that I don't have to stop doing what I'm doing and being who I am because one person (or even a few people) don't like what I'm doing, as long as it isn't impacting them (like, say I chose to poke the person next to me instead of twirl my hair... then they'd have the right to complain!)  I am ME.  There is only one ME.  With ME comes all my quirks.... It's those quirks that sparkle the brightest....