Acceptance

Seasons change, right?  We all accept that without question (though often with complaint!)

Our tastes change.  We crave cheese sandwiches for a week and then don't eat them again for months.  Maybe it's caeser salad that you can't get enough of, and then you can't get far enough away from. 

Our style may change - from casual to classic, from preppy to poised, from grunge to grand, from school-girl to sophisticated.

Our addresses change, or phone numbers change, our budgets change, we paint the walls new colors, we buy new coats, we plant different flowers, we vacation in different locations.......

Change is normal.  We accept that whether we like it or not.

Or, I think I've accepted change, even though I don't like it.

But to accept something that hasn't changed, and won't change?  Something that's been there my whole life, though I didn't realize it until just recently? 

That is hard to accept.  It's almost harder to accept than change, this "non-change" realization is.

To finally unearth what has been buried deeper than anything, to finally let it bob to the surface, to finally put words to a secret you didn't even know you were carrying..... and to accept it all?

If someone were to tell me that for the rest of my life, I'd have to live with bright blue skin, I think that would be an easier thing to accept.

Except.
Except that this is me.
I think I've always known, too.
I just refused to accept it.
But.......

Now it's time.

You Can Tell Me

Four simple words.
Short.
One syllable.
Unremarkable apart.
But together?

Those four words flooded my heart,
filling me with the warmth only a hug brings.

Four little words,
spoken at just the right moment,
turned a fear-filled few minutes
with hope.......
with understanding.......
with possibility.........

And filled me
with gratitude........
with appreciation.......
with faith........

You can tell me.

You.
Can.
Tell.
Me.

Thank you.
Thank you thank you thank you.

NEDA Week: Size vs Style

I struggle with accepting my body as it is, because society tells me 

that my body should be different if I want to fit in.

Screw that.

I hope that by NEDA week next year, I have learned to at least 

accept my body as it is.  Might take a while longer for me to love it, 

but by next year, I want to at least not hate it.  

Ms. Piggy says it best....  

Today's featured blogger is Dr. Ashley Solomon at Nourishing the Soul.
This site runs the gamut - featuring blogs, guest posts, resources, and Nourishing tidbits that really settle in the soul in a special way.  Paraphrasing from the site, their mission is to cut through some of the societal pressures and celebrate every individual as the truly unique and beautiful souls that we are.

NEDA Week - Body Love

I found this image ages ago, but was saving it specifically for NEDA week because the message is so simple, yet so powerful.  It reminds me that we don't try to change our height - you rarely hear someone say "I wish I was taller," but we always hear people say "I wish I were thinner...."

Today's featured blog is actually a compilation of blogs in Gurze Book's Eating Disorders Blog.  ED Bloggers, including Jenni Schaefer, Karen Koenig, and Johanna Marie McShane, as well as a dozen other amazing ED activists post insightful articles and blog posts that cover  a plethora of topics.  You can also sign up for inbox delivery of your favorite bloggers, which I love!

What's In a Name?

Names are a funny thing.  They really need to "fit" the person in which they describe.  For a long time, I actually hated my name.  It wasn't one of the "common" names, so as a kid, the only time I got anything with my name on it was if someone made it for me.  I didn't like that all that much, I wanted the personalized everything that my friends had.

Now?  As an adult, I love my unique name.  I love that I only know of three other people with the same name (though I'm sure there are many more!)  My name fits me.  I'm unique.  I'm different (you can take that as good or bad, however you'd like.)  I'm a bit of an oddball, just like my name.

It took a long time for me to like my name.  Once I was able to embrace the uniqueness of it.... it was a lot easier to like it.  Liking my name.... first step to liking me?  I hope so!

We actually won?!

This past month, notations for the 2012 Nourishing Body Image Award were sent in to an awesome blog that I love (check out Nourishing the Soul if you haven't already done so!)  And believe it or not, one of the images on this blog was a winner!

I am truly honored that this was chosen as the  

Best Body Positive Photo, Video, or Image, 

and hope others can heed the message it sends.  

Thank you for the recognition!

Image from Challenge 4, Part 1: Self Esteem

Insecurities

I am who I am.  Lots of people, surprisingly, seem to like me, too.  Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.  I am not my biggest fan.  In fact, I'm not even in line to become a fan at all.  People in my field see me as knowledgeable, compassionate, innovative, outgoing.... The list could go on for a while, but then I'd be too ill to finish this post.

Because I struggle to see past my insecurities, most of which are body image related.  Yep, I said it.  Body image.  Something I generally try very hard to avoid talking about.  In fact, I haven't broached the subject in more than six months.  It's that hard for me to think about.

But it's time to open that door up a little bit, and peek inside the darkness of the room in which all my body fears reside.  It is not going to be fun.  But I'm told it's a necessity.  I have found myself stuck in the painful place of wanting to listen to what others say about my abilities, but being pulled down by my self-perceptions instead.  Unable to accept compliments about my skills because after all, how could someone as [gulp] ugly as me be good at anything?

The truth is (and I'm quoting from others here) that I am quite good at what I do.  I am "knowledgeable and compassionate and innovative when it comes to education.  The things [my] students are doing and learning is pretty spectacular."  It makes me ill to hear that, even though a part of me knows it's true.  I chalk it all up to the fact that while most people were out and about, developing social skills and building relationships, I was hiding inside, escaping from the world.  The benefit from the time I spent alone is the fact that during that time was/is when I explore new tools that eventually become the norm.

That's the thing.  I feel like what I do with my class is the norm, and it's always shocking to hear that it isn't.  I am stuck behind the fact that I don't think it's possible for someone like me (read: ugly, insecure, self-conscious, socially awkward, highly sensitive, easily distracted, and so annoying) to be innovative.  To be excellent at anything.

So here I am......  Trying to accept that I may have admirable traits and skills. Trying to swallow the fact that others seem to be able to see past my appearance, and see the whole picture.  Trying to pull out the knife that I plunged into my own heart so long ago.... and trying to let myself be seen, just a little, just for a few minutes, so that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to hear what my team (and a lot of others) is telling me, instead of listening to my vicious inner voice.

Professionally Developed

I work with some amazing people.  Professional, put together, masters of their craft.  People that I look at and think "wow, I kinda wish I could have their lives for a little while, and see how the other half lives......"  I often feel less than, just because they are all married (or engaged) and have families (or are just starting their families) and have very rich and wonderful lives outside of work.  In other words, their highlight reels are pretty spectacular.

And mine isn't.

Except for one area.  I found it quite shocking that my "highlight reel" actually brought out the behind-the-scenes struggle in my colleagues.  See, my highlight reel is very limited.  It actually only encompasses one skill area.  That's it.  I don't have the family.  I don't have the relationship.  I don't have the outside-of-work-amazing-life.  But I do have one talent, that I now know brings out insecurities in others.  Which is something I hate to do, make someone feel insecure.  And today, more than ever, that was made clear to me.

Which is why this quote came to mind.  I know I need to really work hard to stop looking at the highlight reel, the "public persona" of my colleagues.  Because when I do that, I feel like an ant surrounded by elephants - the smallest, most insignificant creature of the bunch.  Hopefully this new-found information will help me balance out a little bit more, and be less insecure about what they have that I don't, and instead, focus on sharing what I can......  After all, we all have something to offer, whether we're behind the camera or running the show.

World Mental Health Day

Did you know that today is World Mental Health Day?  I didn't, at least not until I read a tweet about it from Psych Central.  They are actually hosting a blog party in celebration of the event!  Those participating are encouraged to share their story, experiences, or anything related to mental health.

I thought I'd start with a few facts from the World Health Organization.

• Depression affects more than 350,000,000 people, nearly 10% of the adult population?
• Depression doesn't discriminate by age, community, race, religion - anything.
• Only one-fifth of those with mental illness will receive treatment and care needed for the condition.
• 75% of visits to the doctor are due to stress-related ailments.
• More than three out of four employees who get the care and treatment needed for their condition see drastic improvement in work performance.

(more facts here)

My story is no different than thousands of others... and you can read about it throughout the pages of my blog, as it's an ongoing life experience for me.

I was 14 the first time I journaled about suicide.  I was 16 when a clearly laid out plan was thwarted, thankfully.  I've been in and out of therapy ever since, thanks to a teacher, who finally got my parents to see how much help I needed.  They weren't capable of understanding me, no matter how much they tried.  I don't blame them any more, but it doesn't make the longing for what could have been hurt any less.

I was 13 when my anorexic tendencies took over, though at that point, no one noticed.  Graduating from high school sucked, it was a very traumatic summer.  College was rocky as well, though I found my true calling as an educator, and while anxiety nearly cost me my college education, I managed to graduate and get an awesome job teaching in a school where I've now spent the last 10 years.

Fast forward through several other therapists (seen anywhere from 4 months to 18 months) and many, many visits to a variety of doctors for a variety of ailments (some were legitimate medical issues, others completely anxiety related.)  With all those doctors appointments, it's kind of odd that no one picked up on my eating disorder until just last year.  I kept it well under wraps, and it kept my emotions well under control, or so I thought.

Being blessed with multiple mental health issues, including major depression and anxiety, definitely has it's challenges.  It is a constant struggle to take care of myself, and to do what needs to be done to lead a fairly productive life.  Some days are obviously better than others, as I do have a great job that I love and often times, it's the only reason I do get out of bed.

But some days the depression takes over, and I want to roll over and stay buried under the covers until the weekend is over, and I get to go back to work on Monday.  Strange, I know.  I've learned over the years that I thrive on structure, and structure is very strong at work, but nearly non-existent at home.

Thanks to an incredible treatment team, including my doctor, therapist, and dietitian, I am doing better than ever.  While I am not "cured" nor will I likely ever be completely rid of my depression and it's pals, I am more able to sustain good days, and not let the bad days suck me down as deep as they used to.

Don't get me wrong, I can still (and do) fall off the face of the earth for days at a time, especially when I have time off work.  I can't even say that those days are few and far between, because right now, they're pretty regular weekend guests.  But I can finally say that I know what it's like to trust people, as I have complete trust in my treatment team and I am forever grateful for their support.  It is worth every penny, every minute, every tear of my being to work with them. 

Cause without them.... without my doctor (who is amazing,) who sent me to my therapist (whom I adore,) who sent me to my dietitian (whom I also adore,) I'd become another negative statistic.  And that is something I'd rather avoid.

Challenge 12, Part 1: EMBRACE

I love this quote.  I found it somewhere, likely on pinterest, and it fits beautifully into this week's topic.  So often I shy away from myself, and even more so, from what could be considered "beautiful" about me.  I kind of like being different, but in the past, I've always seen it as a negative thing.  Like, I'm the one who is always sick.  I'm the one who is always having an allergic reaction to the smallest things.  I'm the one who brakes out in hives at the thought of eating specific foods.  I'm the one who likes a quiet night in, instead of a busy night out.  I'm different.  I just never thought that my differences could be worth embracing..... my "you"ness would be worth value to this world.....

It's nice to start thinking about the possibilities out there.... that maybe one day my differences won't make me feel bad about myself, instead, they'll be something I embrace as me and who I am.  And eventually, I might even find a way to be proud of those differences.... baby steps.... baby steps....

Challenge 11, Part 3: YOU

I saw this quote this afternoon and it really grabbed me.  I am one of those people full of weird, random facts.  I hide behind them as a way to protect others from seeing the real me - the somewhat shy, very insecure, afraid-to-be-happy, ashamed-of-her-body, girl who just wants to find someone to accept her for who she is.

But before that will ever happen, it means I need to accept myself for who I am.  Which is so f@#$%& difficult!  It's been the topic of therapy for weeks now, the fact that I'm clinging to childish wishes that will never be fulfilled unless I figure out how to fulfill them myself.  And until I let go of those wishes, I'll never be able to process what I didn't get, and move forward into a world full of things I did get, and I do have.

Once that happens?  Who knows, maybe the world will reveal a person who falls in love with the me I've been trying to hide.  That'd be kind of nice, dontcha think?

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I really like lemonade.  Like, it's one of the few "juice-type" beverages that I actually enjoy.  But only if it's fresh squeezed - that powdered crap?  Yuck.  To me it tastes like chemicals.  My therapist actually used this line on me the other day.  She started the sentence, but I cut her off... cause sometimes, it is true that lemonade just doesn't cut it.

This is one of those times.  I've been handed this bowl of lemons, and instead of making lemonade and giving it away so I'm holding less lemons, more lemons keep getting added to my bowl.  By the dozen.  And it is getting really heavy.  And it's all out of my control.

The good news (cause you know me, I always try to find something positive!) is that I know it will all work out in the end.  It always does.  The bad news is that my stress level is off the charts as my classroom was not finished on schedule.  It wasn't finished on the back up date.  In fact, it won't be finished until the holiday weekend.  Literally, that Friday.  Which means I'm in school on my three day weekend preparing my room, and during this time this week that has been designated as prep time in the classroom, I'm twiddling my thumbs.  Which I don't do well.

Believe it or not, once school starts my stress level will actually go down.  The excitement of a new year will kick in.  My days will be long, and I'll have worked in my classroom for 12 days straight, but come Tuesday morning when those kids arrive?  My stress level will trickle down, and maybe I'll be able to enjoy a glass of lemonade...

Challenge 4, Part 5 - 7: Belief, Acceptance, Love

Self Belief.  Self Acceptance.  Self Love.

Mushing them all together for one final post for this week's topic.

I think they are actually rather well connected.  In order to have self love, you need to have self acceptance.  In order to have self acceptance, you need to have self belief.  Links in the chain of Self.  All the topics this week weave together a rather complex chain in which we build our lives upon - some more successfully than others, but all seven concepts are within each of us.  Sometimes they are buried rather deep, below layers of other self stuff (hatred, loathing, pity, etc) but they are still there.  It's our job to uncover them.  Yes, it can take a village, as no one should have to endure the process alone.  But I've been told it's a worth while journey to take, no matter how bumpy the road.

I'm taking baby steps, every few weeks, just a tiny bit closer to self love.  Along the way, of course, belief and acceptance hitch a ride, making the journey rocky and long.  But I'm finally starting to think that I might be worth it.  It's not been easy, accepting all that I've dealt with, knowing I can do nothing to change the past and make things better.  I can only accept what has happened, and believe that I am worth more than repeating the same patterns.  I have to find the belief somewhere, buried way deep inside, that I am worthy of love.  Cause no one deserves a life without love.  Not even me.

Challenge 3, Part 2: Becoming Self Empowered

Becoming self empowered is not easy, or at least it has not been an easy journey for me. I still fear the path one must walk to become self empowered, especially as I head toward learning to speak up for myself, learning to ask for what I need, and actually giving myself what I need. Funny how that works, what we most need for ourselves, the ability to meet our own needs, something we should be empowered to do at least once we reach adulthood, is often a very hard task to accomplish!

Think about it.  Once you reach a certain age, you learn to feed yourself. Yes, the food you are given may not be a choice, but you get to feed it to yourself. I mean, how many people fawn over baby as he grasps that first fistful of Cheerios and shoves them adorably in his mouth? Same with potty training- to be free of that diaper means "I'm a big kid now."  Riding a two-wheeler. Learning to tie your shoes. Being home alone for the first time. All empowering milestones that we pass through as we grow.

For some, those milestones are celebrated and begin to instill that sense of accomplishment and pride in oneself. This can pave the way to a life where the feeling of accomplishment, of pride, comes from within. Self empowerment to the maximum level- believing in yourself, not needing external praise to know you've done well. This boost gives one the power to try new things without worry of failure.  All those little milestones along the way were sprinkled with failures, but because the successes were celebrated, the failures just became a part of the process, and not the end all self belief.

For others, that is not how their journey went. Successes weren't as frequently celebrated and failures filled the gaps between. Becoming empowered was feared, and developing a reliance on those around you (your family) was the expectation. Sure, some milestones were celebrated and many skills were learned. There was even a bit of fun sprinkled along the path. But that self confidence that grows as a result of positive experiences that are praised, and failures that are encouraged to be challenged into successes, well, that is often missing. Instead of looking at a failure and saying to yourself, as was modeled to you by your parents, "I can do it, let me try again, I know I can do it," a failure means the end. A failure means you need someone else to help, and you always will.

Which, in reality, is not true.

Because EVERYONE can become self empowered. Everyone. Doesn't matter how old you are or how lousy your life was growing up or how little you were celebrated. It IS possible to learn to lean on, to empower yourself to reach for those experiences, to learn to nourish your body, feed your soul, and love yourself. No, you might not be able to do it alone, at least not at first. Yes, it may take a long time, and you will need to have people that are walking along the path with you. And yes, at first you will need them to feed you the praise and encouragement you missed as you grew. But eventually, at least I'm told, you will no longer need the encouragement to come from those walking with you. Eventually you will be able to internalize their positive words, replace the negative tracks with positive messages, and empower yourself.

Challenge 2, Part 1: Self Nurturing

I look at this week's topic and feel the same twinge of panic that I felt in addressing last week's topic on Self-Care and Self-Soothing.  They are all intertwined in my mind, and they are all strugglesome areas.

Self nurturing means the same thing as both self-care and self-soothing combined: They are all ways we need to take care of the self.  The difference in my mind is that nurturing is often seen more motherly, whereas self-care and self-soothing are more self-care.  Nurturing the self seems rather challenging, as I still sometimes wish I could be mothered the way in which "typical" kids are mothered, even though I'm a grown adult!

When I nurture others, which I do daily in my job as a grade school teacher, I am offering positive and constructive feedback, praise, encouragement, support, and loads of other things to my students, as a way of coaxing out the best "them" they can be.  There is lots of laughter and fun, and sometimes tears and unhappiness, but we work through those spots together, calmly and with care.  No child is ever made to feel less than for any reason - all abilities and differences are embraced.  I listen objectively and with an open-mind to all ideas, and we move forward collectively, yet each individual child is still at their own pace within the grand scheme of things.

Do I apply that same understanding, acceptance, patience, kindness, and compassion to myself?  No f*ing way.  But I'm starting to at least try, rather than avoid the self-nurturing piece all together, which is what I've done for years.  I lived in survival mode, and there just wasn't room for any of that self-nurturing, lovey-dovey crap.

I stop myself from caring about myself because I don't like myself.  I like others.  I love my students (in a teacherly sort of way) so I want to help them.  I don't love me (yet) so I don't want to help me.  I don't feel worthy of anything positive, which is why, especially when things are rough, I sometimes I still step back and marvel at the good things I DO have in my world - my home, a job I love, an incredible therapist and support team, a family that loves me (even if I feel smothered by them) and lots of other things.  I often am caught breathless when I think about how much I do have, and how little I believe I deserve that goodness.  Instead, I deserve all the crap-ness that comes my way.  That is what I am worthy of, not the good.

Step by step, little by little, one day at a time, I'm working to change this.  With the support of all of you reading, with the encouragement and support of my team, and with my sheer determination, I know that once I put my mind to it, I will be on the top of my list of people to help..... one day....

Week 21: What I Want to Hear

For a while I wanted someone to confirm that I'm worthless.  But that hasn't, and likely won't happen.  Guess it's just my distorted perception of myself.  Hope it changes quickly!

I wished my therapist would tell me that she'd be there for me no matter what.  In my heart, I knew she couldn't say that, cause in my experience, no one sticks around long enough to get to know me enough to help me.  Or I should say, no one sticks around long enough for me to let them in so they can help me.  On more than one occasion, and in more than one way, she has told me that she's not going anywhere.  My therapist, my dietitian, the primary members of my treatment team have said, with and without words, that they are here for me, they're in it for the long haul, I can depend on them..... I think they're trying to show me that I'm worth loving.  I'm taking their word for it till I believe it myself.  Which might take years. 

What else would I like to hear?  I'm borrowing words from others as there is so much going on in my mind I don't know which way is up right now.

I think my heart would explode if this actually happened.

  I've only just learned what it feels like to miss
someone this strongly. I wonder if anyone
misses me...

Only in my dreams...

Please.  Please.  Please....

Week 18: Best Recovery Advice

The best recovery advice I've been given?  Simple.

You CAN do this.  Take one bite at a time.

It sounds trite and condescending.  But it isn't.  Because unless I eat, my brain will never be able to be coherent enough to process the other side of ed, the mental side.  I need to nourish my body so that I can work on recovering my mind.

How am I able to do that?

I don't do it for me.  I don't eat for myself.  I eat because I know if I don't, my team will not be able to help me, and I'll lose them.  I can't lose them.  They are the reason, at least for now, that I am working my @$$ off to eat and to beat this "issue."

More helpful words from my team, who have been my constant cheerleaders and guides on this journey...

Acceptance is the hardest part.  When you do- then you know who and what you are fighting. (8/3/11)

The emotions are there because you need to move forward dealing with them instead of using ED to handle things.  You have the skills, ability intelligence and drive to win this battle.  Don't quit. (11/1/11)