30 Day Recovery Challenge: Days 19 + 20

19. What scares you most about recovery?

20. What scares you most about your eating disorder?

Lumping these two together because ironically, they are reflective of each other.  I know.  Seems kind of bass-ackward to be fearful of recovery AND fearful of the eating disorder.  But I am, which fits, as I've always been a little bass-ackward.

The thing that scares me the most about both of these issues is the loneliness factor.  My eating disorder kept me protected, safe, and numb, which meant that being alone didn't bug me.  I actually liked it.  Or at least the eating disorder liked it.  Now that recovery is in the picture, the loneliness factor hasn't lifted, instead it's shifted - now I can see how alone I am, without the eating disorder to fill my world, and that feels lousy.

So the scariest thing about recovery has been learning to be with my feelings as they arise, and do so, most of the time, alone.  (Can't exactly schedule an emotional meltdown for when I'm with my therapist now can I?)  The scariest thing about my eating disorder is how it kept me isolated and emotionless.

Truth is, that as alone as I feel, both in recovery and when I was actively engaging in disordered behavior, it's been my choice to be alone, isolated, apart...... It's a pain in the @$$ learning how to change such behavior, as it's so ingrained.  But I'm trying.  By golly am I trying..........

Professionally Developed

I work with some amazing people.  Professional, put together, masters of their craft.  People that I look at and think "wow, I kinda wish I could have their lives for a little while, and see how the other half lives......"  I often feel less than, just because they are all married (or engaged) and have families (or are just starting their families) and have very rich and wonderful lives outside of work.  In other words, their highlight reels are pretty spectacular.

And mine isn't.

Except for one area.  I found it quite shocking that my "highlight reel" actually brought out the behind-the-scenes struggle in my colleagues.  See, my highlight reel is very limited.  It actually only encompasses one skill area.  That's it.  I don't have the family.  I don't have the relationship.  I don't have the outside-of-work-amazing-life.  But I do have one talent, that I now know brings out insecurities in others.  Which is something I hate to do, make someone feel insecure.  And today, more than ever, that was made clear to me.

Which is why this quote came to mind.  I know I need to really work hard to stop looking at the highlight reel, the "public persona" of my colleagues.  Because when I do that, I feel like an ant surrounded by elephants - the smallest, most insignificant creature of the bunch.  Hopefully this new-found information will help me balance out a little bit more, and be less insecure about what they have that I don't, and instead, focus on sharing what I can......  After all, we all have something to offer, whether we're behind the camera or running the show.

Challenge 6, Part 3: The Self

This one is still a struggle for me.  I think what it boils down to is I am still trying to figure out who I am.  I mean, I know that I'm a person, a teacher, a daughter, a sister, a friend - all that stuff.  But really, who am I?

I've spent so much time being a chameleon, being the person that fits where I am at that moment.  In doing so, I never established a firm sense of self.  And that is one of the things I'm working on right now.

I read this great blog post from Surfacing After Silence about developing your own identity, or, more likely, finding your true self.  It definitely got me thinking about who I am and who I want to be.  I may be in my 30's, but it's never to late to do some self-discovery and create the me I want to be!

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: COMMUNITY

 June Blog Challenge Day 30: COMMUNITY
 

Merriam-Webster defines community as a unified body of individuals.  If you would have asked me a month ago which unified body of individuals I belong to, I would have given you the standard answers - the city in which I live and the school and district in which I work.  The only two real life communities I feel connected to.  I am a part of three online communities that have been very supportive, as well.  But that's it. 

I have never felt I belong anywhere but by myself.  From childhood through college, my community has never been consistent, as I never was able to fit in with any one group.  I became a part of the community that was my focus at the time, almost like a chameleon, but it was never a perfect fit, there was always something a little off, I never truly fit in.  I am not in contact with most of my childhood friends, as my siblings are.  I have few friends, but the few I have are wonderful people whom I cherish very much.  Even with my friends, though, each belongs to a different part of my world, and rarely do all my friends interact within the same community.  I just figured that's how my life was supposed to be - I am one of those people who is independent enough to withstand the life of a loner.

This blog challenge has really opened my eyes to the power of virtual communities.  Just because I don't know everyone in this challenge face-to-face, doesn't mean that we aren't a part of the same community, doesn't mean I don't know you all.  It's just a different kind of community, one, I'm guessing, that 30 years ago, no one thought would be possible.  The internet has opened the world to loaners like me, so that we can finally find a community in which we fit. 
My first foray into the virtual community world was because of recovery.  This blog was born through a wonderful online recovery community project.  I have yet to meet any of my virtual friends face to face, but that doesn't make them any less special.  I so appreciate each comment left on my blog, and am honored to leave comments for others.  Reading others thoughts, hearing their stories, it's a treat to get a peek into your worlds, your minds.  I feel a sense of belonging that I have lacked for much of my life. I have grown through this project in a way I never anticipated.  Community, as it turns out, like life, is what you make it.  And everyone reading this blog, everyone that I have met, ultimately helps me grow as a person, and plays a role in shaping my community.  For that, I thank you.

Prompt: To end, I chose the word “community” because that’s what these blogger challenges are about. What does community mean to you? How does it fit into your life? Into your health? Into your recovery? Or how does it relate to blogging? Or family? Share with us what it means for you.