Perfection Returns

I'm back.  And battling a perfection complex.  Among other things.  

But I'm back, despite myself, I'm back.

NEDA Week: What Matters

Truth.

I have been battling my body for as long as I can remember.
For an equally long time, I considered myself broken.
Unrepairable.
All I focused on was the flaws, the grossness.

Reality?

Yeah, I'm not that together.
Yeah, I have a lot of broken pieces and parts.
But I'm repairable.
And the mending process has already begun.

NEDA Week: Celebrity

I'm a HUGE fan of the Hunger Games.  No, not literally starving myself to be hungry, the book series by Suzanne Collins.  Through the series, and the movies, I've also become a fan of Jennifer Lawrence.  Here are a few reasons why:

Read more about Jennifer Lawrence and her thoughts on body stuff:

In Hollywood I'm Obese
It's Dumb to be Hungry to Make Others Happy
It Should be Illegal to Call Someone Fat

Martin Luther King Day 2014

Day 4: Favorite Quote?

I like this one because it is SO
true.  Like, seriously true.

Very motivating when facing
inner dragons.

Seriously?  Favorite quote?  No plural?  That's pretty darn close to impossible for me.  I mean, have you seen the quotes splattered all over the site?  Or the entire page devoted to quotes?

So. I will direct you to the page of quotes HERE.  And I encourage you to explore the blog.  I'm pretty sure just about every post has a quote.  Or maybe two.  I'll leave you with three quotes that are currently favorites.  At least for today.  Cause they change pretty regularly!

Can you see the theme in these quotes? 

Day 4 Prompt: Favorite quote (from a person, from a book, etc) and why you love it.

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 13

13.  What are some things - blogs, quotes, books, mantras, etc - that inspire you and keep you motivated?

Have you looked through this blog? 

You see all those quotes sprinkled generously through the posts? 

Yep. 

Those.

I wouldn't have posted them if they weren't inspiring to me.

And I don't mind posting a few of my favorites again.

(You can also check out this 

page full of em!)

As far as books go.... the one I still carry around with me is Life Without Ed (thanks to my Kindle app) as it was and still is a source of inspiration and a great reminder that recovery IS possible, and this work IS worth it.  I know I've spoken of Arielle's blog before, as it is another great resource - not only the videos, but also the links and other recovery (and life!) minded tidbits she writes about.

A third source of inspiration comes from music.  There is something about music that compliments my moods - both uplifting moods and more gloomy moods - that makes me feel settled.  Music speaks to me in so many ways..... there is something both comforting and inspiring about sinking into a favorite song....  Check out some of my favorites on the music page!

Let Me Sleep!

Right now, there just isn't enough hours in the day to get the sleep that my body, and brain, seem to be crying out for.  I am in a perpetual state of exhaustion, and let me tell you, it's getting a little tired!  It's as if there is a part of my brain that holds the amount of sleep I need to function.  Only that part of my brain seems to be leaking, since no amount of sleep seems to be enough these days!  Yes, I am in the middle of a medication adjustment.  Yes, my depression is pretty major at the moment.  Yes, we're heading into the darkest season of winter.  So in other words, I've hit the trifecta of sleep-deprivation.  How'd I get to be so lucky?!

Acts of Kindness

I've been having a really bad week.  Actually, it's been more like a really month.  Things are not going my way at all lately.  In fact, things are not even headed in my direction whatsoever these days.  And I've been working very hard to keep my crabbiness from seeping out.

Today, an excruciatingly long 13.5 hour day, was the longest day yet.  I came home absolutely exhausted and crabbier than ever.

Then I got my mail.

It's not usually all that exciting to get my mail.  Most of the time it's full of junk mail and offers for credit cards (which I consider junk mail, too.)

A few weeks back I had written a check and taken it with me to pay my massage therapist.  When I got to her office, the check had vanished.  Like completely and utterly gone.  I was baffled as I dumped the contents of my purse out in the lobby looking for the check that I had written only minutes before.  As I've been a long standing client, she had no problem with me paying next time, but I was still annoyed.  I searched my car, my house, retraced my steps walking from house to car to business.  Nothing.

Until I opened today's mail.  There was a hand addressed envelope from an address I didn't recognize.  Usually that means a solicitor or a realtor or something, but this time it was different.

It contained my first real smile in weeks.  A complete stranger found the check I had written and instead of ignoring it or throwing it away, they mailed it to me with a note.

A small act of kindness from a complete stranger..... maybe things are going to start looking up??

We actually won?!

This past month, notations for the 2012 Nourishing Body Image Award were sent in to an awesome blog that I love (check out Nourishing the Soul if you haven't already done so!)  And believe it or not, one of the images on this blog was a winner!

I am truly honored that this was chosen as the  

Best Body Positive Photo, Video, or Image, 

and hope others can heed the message it sends.  

Thank you for the recognition!

Image from Challenge 4, Part 1: Self Esteem

Fairy Tales and Inner Dragons

I finally found a way to describe the inner turmoil that plays out in my mind on a fairly regular basis.  I've got this nasty little inner "dragon" that constantly is breathing fire down my back.  It's MY voice in my head that's heating things up for ME.

Well, it's time to hire a dragon slayer to help me slay the beast in my brain.  I know it's not going to be easy, after all, it took 30 years for this dragon to grow, I'm not going to be able to slay it overnight.  It's going to take some time to replace the voice that once belonged to others and eventually became my own worst enemy, with a positive one. 

The challenge is internalizing that positive voice, and making it my own.  Oh, yes, I have already found one to listen to, thankfully.  And once I internalize that voice?  This dragon's days are numbered.  (Yeah, I know, the number may be in the high triple digits at the moment, but they are numbered nonetheless!)

Be Nice

H.O.P.E.

I love this acronym for hope.  It is helpful in putting "right now" in perspective.

Because no matter what you're facing, good or bad, happy or sad, painful or not, it isn't permanent, no matter how much it feels that way in the moment.

Right now, in this moment......  Take a deep breath and know that the pain will end.  The moment will pass.  You will be ok.  Even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Sometimes hope arrives in the most unexpected of ways.  We just have to be open to receive it. 

(Right now, for me, it comes in the form of typing this out for the world to read, and hoping that I can heed my own message, because I desperately need this reminder right now, too....)

Challenge 14, Part 2: A Swing and A Bear

Photo by Andre Arment

When we are children we seldom think of the future.  

This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can.  

The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind. 

--Patrick Rothfuss--

World Mental Health Day

Did you know that today is World Mental Health Day?  I didn't, at least not until I read a tweet about it from Psych Central.  They are actually hosting a blog party in celebration of the event!  Those participating are encouraged to share their story, experiences, or anything related to mental health.

I thought I'd start with a few facts from the World Health Organization.

• Depression affects more than 350,000,000 people, nearly 10% of the adult population?
• Depression doesn't discriminate by age, community, race, religion - anything.
• Only one-fifth of those with mental illness will receive treatment and care needed for the condition.
• 75% of visits to the doctor are due to stress-related ailments.
• More than three out of four employees who get the care and treatment needed for their condition see drastic improvement in work performance.

(more facts here)

My story is no different than thousands of others... and you can read about it throughout the pages of my blog, as it's an ongoing life experience for me.

I was 14 the first time I journaled about suicide.  I was 16 when a clearly laid out plan was thwarted, thankfully.  I've been in and out of therapy ever since, thanks to a teacher, who finally got my parents to see how much help I needed.  They weren't capable of understanding me, no matter how much they tried.  I don't blame them any more, but it doesn't make the longing for what could have been hurt any less.

I was 13 when my anorexic tendencies took over, though at that point, no one noticed.  Graduating from high school sucked, it was a very traumatic summer.  College was rocky as well, though I found my true calling as an educator, and while anxiety nearly cost me my college education, I managed to graduate and get an awesome job teaching in a school where I've now spent the last 10 years.

Fast forward through several other therapists (seen anywhere from 4 months to 18 months) and many, many visits to a variety of doctors for a variety of ailments (some were legitimate medical issues, others completely anxiety related.)  With all those doctors appointments, it's kind of odd that no one picked up on my eating disorder until just last year.  I kept it well under wraps, and it kept my emotions well under control, or so I thought.

Being blessed with multiple mental health issues, including major depression and anxiety, definitely has it's challenges.  It is a constant struggle to take care of myself, and to do what needs to be done to lead a fairly productive life.  Some days are obviously better than others, as I do have a great job that I love and often times, it's the only reason I do get out of bed.

But some days the depression takes over, and I want to roll over and stay buried under the covers until the weekend is over, and I get to go back to work on Monday.  Strange, I know.  I've learned over the years that I thrive on structure, and structure is very strong at work, but nearly non-existent at home.

Thanks to an incredible treatment team, including my doctor, therapist, and dietitian, I am doing better than ever.  While I am not "cured" nor will I likely ever be completely rid of my depression and it's pals, I am more able to sustain good days, and not let the bad days suck me down as deep as they used to.

Don't get me wrong, I can still (and do) fall off the face of the earth for days at a time, especially when I have time off work.  I can't even say that those days are few and far between, because right now, they're pretty regular weekend guests.  But I can finally say that I know what it's like to trust people, as I have complete trust in my treatment team and I am forever grateful for their support.  It is worth every penny, every minute, every tear of my being to work with them. 

Cause without them.... without my doctor (who is amazing,) who sent me to my therapist (whom I adore,) who sent me to my dietitian (whom I also adore,) I'd become another negative statistic.  And that is something I'd rather avoid.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This is the story of our narrator, Charlie, and his freshman year of high school.  He is a true wallflower in every sense of the word.  Reminded me of the post secret postcard about shy people - how they notice everything but never get noticed themselves.  That's Charlie.  That's me.

I'm not sure if it was a good idea for me to read this book.  But I did.  Someone did warn me about it, but I don't remember who, or why.  The book was really captivating, and I think I liked it, but I don't want to see the movie, at least not yet.  The story completely wrecked me.  That's all I have to say about it for now.

Challenge 11, Part 4: YOU

OK.  I know I've been in very much a downer of a mood.  Yeah, I'm still stuck in that space, but I just cause I'm stuck doesn't mean I need to depress everyone else.  Which is why I picked this quote for the last of the week's prompt.

I'm kinda short.  I have been referred to as "vertically challenged" at times, but after reading this quote, I'm going to stick with "concentrated awesome" instead.  Good things also tend to come in small packages.

It's even been said that things only grow until they are perfect.*  Some of us didn't take as long as others!  Well, I am far from perfect, that's for sure, but it's nice to smile once in a while, and that's what this post will hopefully do for you, and for me.....

* As I've stated before, perfect really only exists in the dictionary, or at least that's what I believe.  However, in this case, perfect for me means someone that is full of imperfections, too, because I know I sure am!

Challenge 11, Part 3: YOU

I saw this quote this afternoon and it really grabbed me.  I am one of those people full of weird, random facts.  I hide behind them as a way to protect others from seeing the real me - the somewhat shy, very insecure, afraid-to-be-happy, ashamed-of-her-body, girl who just wants to find someone to accept her for who she is.

But before that will ever happen, it means I need to accept myself for who I am.  Which is so f@#$%& difficult!  It's been the topic of therapy for weeks now, the fact that I'm clinging to childish wishes that will never be fulfilled unless I figure out how to fulfill them myself.  And until I let go of those wishes, I'll never be able to process what I didn't get, and move forward into a world full of things I did get, and I do have.

Once that happens?  Who knows, maybe the world will reveal a person who falls in love with the me I've been trying to hide.  That'd be kind of nice, dontcha think?

Challenge 11, Part 2: YOU

This is so true.  I am in the middle of a pretty nasty visit from the deep depression fairies, and it sucks. It leaches the life out of me and I feel so guilty because I know that many others have it worse: more challenges than I face, more past hurts than I've had.  More of everything.  Yet here I am right now, miserably depressed.

This too shall pass......

Challenge 10, Part 3: Inspiration

Failure. Not something that is often seen as an inspirational topic. But this quote proves otherwise. It's all about perspective, dear readers, perspective indeed.

You may have figured out that as much as I speak about perspective here, it is something I struggle with, especially when my anxiety is heightened and I am stressed.... which is more common these days than I'd prefer.

Thankfully, it often only takes a short conversation with one of my team members to shift my perspective and realize that a positive spin can be found in just about every situation, if only we remember to look.....

Challenge 10, Part 2: Inspiration

I love this quote.  Even when I'm crabby and sad and feeling like a complete mess of a person, forever destined to be alone, this quote can make me smile through my tears.

It has to be true.  I know it does.  Because I know that life delivers to us what we most want when we least expect it.  I really want to get married and have a family.  But there is no significant other in my world right now.  This quote reminds me that the perfect* person for me is out there somewhere... wondering what it would be like to meet me...

* Perfect really only exists in the dictionary, or at least that's what I believe.  However, in this case, perfect for me means someone that is full of imperfections, too, because I know I sure am!