A Simpler Time

My favorite childhood memories, all wrapped up in the pencil drawn comic strip that landed on my porch six days a week, and the color-filled panels that arrived on Sundays.  Some of my warmest memories from the time I was a very little girl were reading the latest Calvin and Hobbes on the side stoop of my neighbor's house - I could not yet read, and she read it the best ever.

The simplicity of childhood is something I frequently yearn for.  I wish I could go back to the time when life was fairly simple- when the most important thing to do each day was make sure to listen to the teacher.  When the most exciting event of the day was afternoon recess, when just my grade level took over the playground, playing all sorts of games that required imagination by the bucketful, but no electricity.

A time when a skinned knee meant a band-aid and a hug from teacher, or a band-aid, popsicle, hug, and kiss from mom.  A time before life became flooded with worries no seven year old should ever have to carry.  A time when curling up with a favorite book in the spectacular colors of fall made for the best time ever.

Wishful thinking.....

A Simple Request

Sometimes we have big wishes.  Lots of wants.  Lots of "gimmes."  Lots of desires.

Foster Teen Gets First 'Real' Thanksgiving
With Adoptive Family

I stumbled upon this article on Yahoo News, and was taken aback by a single wish of a young man.

A family.

That's all this 19 year old wanted.

A family.

Kind of makes me appreciate mine, as dysfunctional, twisted, and painful for me to be a part of, at least they want me.

Read the whole article.  You won't regret it.

Week 52: Dream Vacation

OK, so this may have taken me two years, but the impetus for the blog has finally been completed!  This original blog challenge, started on October 29, 2011, has finally landed at the last post of the challenge!

And what better final topic than dreaming of a dream vacation?!

So.... in celebration of a full (two) year(s) of recovery blogging, if money was no issue.... my dream vacation would take me on a month-long tour of Europe and Asia, with a special stop in Israel. 

With camera in hand, I'd visit the historical landmarks that have shaped this planet and the people who inhabit it.  Feasting on foods (since this is a dream, I'd have no food allergies!) from many cultures, not worrying about calories (cause on this dream vacation, they don't exist!)

This dream vacation would continue with a visit to Disney World in Florida, followed by a week in paradise at my California Family's home, and culminating with an incredible, unplugged visit to the retreat center in Mexico where wi-fi doesn't exist, nor does electricity (at least in the bungalows) instead, the days are filled with blue sky, beautiful greenery, and the soothing surf of the waves upon the beach.

Maybe one day this, like recovery, will no longer be a dream.  For now, though, maybe many separate trips will actually become reality!

You Never Know

I've had the Pup for ten weeks.  Even during the messy first week I still knew.  I knew that this Pup was going to change me.

And he did.

Despite all my years around the horses and family pets, I never realized what it was like to be the sole owner of a little critter that completely and utterly depends on you.  For everything.  Like this little guy.

He makes me cry.  He makes me smile, too.  He has shown me that there is so much more out there than what I've seen and experienced.

He can't fix everything.  But he is making things a little more tolerable.
Most of the time.

Liebster: Questions Answered

Liebster Part II: Amanda's Questions For Me

1. What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

I have been given much advice over the years, and a few pieces really stand out to me.  One was given in the context of me preparing for surgery, as I was concerned about being out of school for so long while I was recuperating.  One of my colleagues said "don't be a hero" as she encouraged me to take as much time as I truly needed so that I didn't come back to work too soon, and in doing so, end up messing with my recovery.  It helped me see that I need to take care of my needs first, not put everyone else in front of me, essentially being a "hero" at the sacrifice of my own well being.
 
2. What is your favorite quote?
Oh my.  This is like asking a parent to pick a favorite child!  There are so many I love!  I mean, there's a whole page on this blog devoted to quotes!  They are sprinkled all over the blog!  I guess my favorite is the tag line image at the top of the page - "Just because today is a terrible day doesn't mean tomorrow won't be the best day of your life.  You just gotta get there."  (And I sprinkled a few more within this post!)

3. If you had the power to change the world in one way, what would you do?
I'd eliminate suffering.  I don't understand why people need to go through so much suffering!  Yes, I get that experiencing pain helps us appreciate the good feelings, but must there be so much suffering?   That, or I'd find a way to support all children and their families that would ensure every child received a well-supported education.  If we start by insuring that kids get a good education, then we may very well eliminate the poverty that plagues so many.  We can't do this by "fixing" schools, we need to reach into the homes and support the families so that all children have warm beds, food to eat, and a safe and nurturing living environment.

4. What is the best book you read in 2012?
I have to say that it wasn't just one book.  That's just like asking me to choose one quote!  So I narrowed it down to two.... which was quite hard, actually!  I finally got around to reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower.  It was a well written book, that's for sure, but.... let's just say it was an interesting read for me.  Another great book I read (yes, the title is strange) was Foreskin's Lament.  It is a memoir of sorts, and I really enjoyed reading it.  The first time, and the third time!  

5. If you could only have one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?
So funny!  This was the fifth fact about me I posted in the first part of this award response!  Since you asked again... I'd say that aside from cereal... nope.  Cereal it is.

6. What is your most prized possession?
This might be cheesy, but my most prized possession is my college diploma.  Yes, it's tucked away in a drawer, but it represents a lifetime of hard work and commitment, along with struggles and stress, that have paid off.  I love my job, I can't imagine doing anything else.  And I couldn't be doing my job with out that piece of paper.

7. What would you name the autobiography of your life?
Believe it or not, I have already chosen a title for my memoir, which shall remain secret until the memoir is actually written!  I do have some other ideas though, including Small Me, Big Stories, Once Upon a Pony, and The Booktabulous Life Of.  We'll see what ends up happening when the time comes!

8. What is your first memory of being really happy/excited?
Is it sad that I can't remember?  Cause I can't!  I have memories of times I was happy or excited, like when my dad would let me stay up late and chew bubblegum while we played checkers.  Or when we went to feed the ducks at the pond nearby.  Or the time the street flooded and we got to swim in the street, literally!  There are memories that I know were happy ones, but I can't pinpoint one single happiest moment......

9. What 5 things would you bring with you, if stranded on the beach?
If I were stranded on the beach, the first thing I'd bring is a solar powered charging base station.  That way, I'd be able to power my iPad so that I'd be able to access the internet (we're talking the G3 enabled pad) and all the books on my kindle app, as well as stay in touch with loved ones.  The third thing I'd bring is a water purifier, that would also be powered from the solar charger, so that I'd never run out of water.  Which leads to the fourth thing, a bottle to hold the newly purified water!  Finally, I'd bring sunscreen.  I am way to sensitive to be out in the sun for long without it!

10. If you could replay any day in your life, which one would it be?
This is another tough one.  When I look back, there are actually a few "events" in my life that I'd like to get a do-over for.  One sad day is the day I put my horse down.  I couldn't bring myself to be there, so my coach went to take care of things.  To this day, I wish I could go back and make myself be there, to say good-bye and give him one last hug.  One day that I'd love to redo is the day I competed in my first medal finals.  It was in the HUGE arena, double the size of the normal show rings.  I had a beautiful round!  My horse was wonderful, and everything went fantastically.  Except for the first line where I added a stride (fancy word for step).  If I hadn't added the stride, we'd have won for sure.  I'd like to ride that class again, but even with the added stride, I'm still so proud of my riding and of my horse!

11. What is 1 quality that you admire in others?
One quality that I admire in others is their self-confidence.  In the self-confidence department, I come up very, very short, and always admire those who are confident and comfortable with themselves.  

These were some great questions!  Very thought provoking!

Liebster Award Details

1.  Thank the person who awarded you - check!
2.  Share 5 facts about yourself - check!
3.  Answer the 11 questions you were asked - check!
4.  Nominate 5 up and coming blogs
5.  Ask them 11 questions.

Week 45: Three Wishes

Hmmm..... Three wishes.

If you were to grant me three wishes as a kid, my first wish would be for unlimited wishes!  Thank you to Aladdin for clarifying the rules!

My wishes are pretty simple, and have been the standard wishes I wish for when I wish upon a star. (Yeah, I still do that.  So what?)

Wish One - I wish for happiness and good health for those that I care about.
Wish Two - I wish that all children receive the love and care they deserve.
Wish Three - I wish to see myself the way others see me.

There you have it...  My three wishes...

(An aside - If Wish Three is granted, then I will also fall under the group of "those that I care about" and will therefore be rewarded with Wish One, as well.)

Challenge 11, Part 3: YOU

I saw this quote this afternoon and it really grabbed me.  I am one of those people full of weird, random facts.  I hide behind them as a way to protect others from seeing the real me - the somewhat shy, very insecure, afraid-to-be-happy, ashamed-of-her-body, girl who just wants to find someone to accept her for who she is.

But before that will ever happen, it means I need to accept myself for who I am.  Which is so f@#$%& difficult!  It's been the topic of therapy for weeks now, the fact that I'm clinging to childish wishes that will never be fulfilled unless I figure out how to fulfill them myself.  And until I let go of those wishes, I'll never be able to process what I didn't get, and move forward into a world full of things I did get, and I do have.

Once that happens?  Who knows, maybe the world will reveal a person who falls in love with the me I've been trying to hide.  That'd be kind of nice, dontcha think?

Week 27: Superpowers!

If I could have any superpower.... what would I choose and why?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.  Have I mentioned before that I really don't like making decisions?  And having to pick just ONE superpower?  This could take a while!

What to choose.... the ability to read minds?  Invisibility? Superhuman strength?  The ability to grant wishes for others?  Lightening fast speed?  X-ray vision?  Healing powers?  The ability to shape shift?

I think, if I had to choose just one, I would choose to control the "mood" of those around me.... I know, it sounds corny, but I'm thinking of Jasper, and how he could quickly excite the room, yet, just as easily, he could calm the atmosphere.  I'd like to add only one piece to Jasper's ability- the ability to keep my own mentality on the positive side of things at least 90% of the time.  I mean, if I'm going to have the ability to change the feelings of a room, I do need to be able to feel the full range of emotions, I'd just prefer to spend the majority of my time in a positive mindset, rather than where I tend to drift at the moment.

Final thoughts...  

Would you rather live in a world where everyone had superpowers 

or where no one had superpowers?

p.s.  If you're not sure who Jasper is.... you may want to read the Twilight saga for clarification.  The choice is yours!

Week 21: What I Want to Hear

For a while I wanted someone to confirm that I'm worthless.  But that hasn't, and likely won't happen.  Guess it's just my distorted perception of myself.  Hope it changes quickly!

I wished my therapist would tell me that she'd be there for me no matter what.  In my heart, I knew she couldn't say that, cause in my experience, no one sticks around long enough to get to know me enough to help me.  Or I should say, no one sticks around long enough for me to let them in so they can help me.  On more than one occasion, and in more than one way, she has told me that she's not going anywhere.  My therapist, my dietitian, the primary members of my treatment team have said, with and without words, that they are here for me, they're in it for the long haul, I can depend on them..... I think they're trying to show me that I'm worth loving.  I'm taking their word for it till I believe it myself.  Which might take years. 

What else would I like to hear?  I'm borrowing words from others as there is so much going on in my mind I don't know which way is up right now.

I think my heart would explode if this actually happened.

  I've only just learned what it feels like to miss
someone this strongly. I wonder if anyone
misses me...

Only in my dreams...

Please.  Please.  Please....