Insecure Comparisons

This.  This is where I am right now.  I didn't realize how much I do this, how much I look at people's outsides and compare it with my insides. How much I look at people's "shared successes" and compare them to my private flaws.  

I can walk through the mall, glimpse someone who looks like they have all their stuff together - they are fit, they look amazing, they've got a friend or friends with them, they're laughing or talking.  They look like what I wish I had.  

Except.  Except I don't have a clue what happens in the rest of their world.  For all I know, their behind the scenes is just as messed up as mine.

I struggle to accept my behind-the-scene life as ok.  If I can finally, finally stop comparing what goes on in my head, and behind closed doors of my home, with what I see in everyone else?  Wow.

Wish vs Reality

Perception.  Perspective.  Whatever you want to call it, sometimes mine is off.

Good news is that at least I'm now starting to recognize when it's presenting an inaccurate picture!  If only that could happen a bit more frequently....

Here's an example.  (Disclaimer: I am not a Trekkie, though I did enjoy the two most recent films.)  My therapist and I were talking about emotions and how some people are better able to manage theirs, while others (like me) are managed BY their emotions.  She suggested I watch Star Trek (yeah, she's that awesome, you can be jealous) and pay close attention to Kirk and Spock.

So I did. 

And as my therapist and I reflected on the movie, I realized that I am such a Kirk - my emotions are ever-present, driving much of my day.  However, Spock, on the other hand, is pretty darn emotionless, living among an acute sense of logic.  (Reminds me of Sheldon!)

I want to be Spock.

Reality is, a balance of both Kirk's emotions and Spock's lack of emotions would be more appropriate to strive for, but, with my extreme "Kirk-like" emotion, even if I shoot for Spock's opposite extreme, I'd likely end up in the middle.

Here's another one.  Earlier this week as I was walking out of my house, I gave my usual cursory glance to make sure everything was set.  This time, though, I noticed that while I got rid of loads and loads of excessive "stuff" over the past two years, I still have more to get rid of.  In my mind, I see myself as a minimalist.  My house says otherwise, though.  No, I'm not by any means a hoarder.  I can't stand the pileup of superfluous stuff.  I'm more of a pack rat.  Kinda comes with the teaching territory, you never know when that really cool plastic take out container might come in handy.

Years into therapy, I can now see that my perception of myself and my world is very much twisted and, well, pretty messed up.  Knowing this, though, is going to help me change the prescription of my lenses, so to speak, and help me see reality as it is, not as I wish it to be.  Thank g-d there's still years of therapy to come......!

NEDA Week: The Media

There are some crazy facts about how the media has become such a powerful influence on us, myself included.  I actually don't watch the news anymore because it is too disturbing to me.  There aren't enough "smile stories" shared.

I also know how much I push myself because I don't look like those I see on television, I'm too different.  I don't like what I do to myself. I don't like how I let the media's decisions on what is "pretty" or "beautiful" impact my own choices.

Yet, I'm the only one with the power to change my mind.

I'm working on it.

Are you?

Choices

I love this image and quote.... It reminds me of something my therapist often says--
You don't deserve to be hurt.  No one does.  

See, somehow I trained myself to believe that if someone could possibly be hurt, I will be the one to get hurt.  If someone should suffer, it should be me.  Somehow, I've convinced myself that I deserve the "bad" and "hurt" from the world.

Reality?  No one deserves to endure pain and suffering.  The sun doesn't say "I'll shine on you, but not you, you don't deserve it."  Sure, the sun can only shine on part of the Earth at a time, but even then, it does so in a predictable pattern, with everyone getting plenty of sunshine throughout the day.....

Something to chew over......