Week 47: Motivation

This week's post is about motivation.  More specifically, what motivates me to recover.  I'm a little embarrassed to admit that my major source of motivation today is still quite closely resembling my motivation way back two years ago.....  And my motivation when I tackled this topic back in February......

Yes, I am still working on maintaining my recovery progress for my team.  They've put so much work into me, their time, their energy, their care.... I will not throw that away.  Funny thing is, while I still *need* my therapist multiple times a week, I've managed to taper back with my dietitian, and see her every three weeks.  And it's working pretty well, actually!  Maybe I have made more progress at that inner motivation than I thought....

And you know what?  I actually don't want to throw away the time and effort I've put in, either.  Yes, it's tempting, at times, to let myself sink back into my old ways, and I had a recent spell with that unwelcome visitor that I'm still recovering from.... but.... I'm not gonna throw it all away, either.  My hair finally stopped falling out in handfuls only a few months ago.  I am coming off the best school year ever.  All because I've been working at keeping recovery. 

So maybe there have been changes in my motivation to recover.... maybe it really is starting to switch to internal motivation after all.........

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 4

4. What motivates you to recover?

Well this is a little embarrassing.  Cause my motivation to recovery comes from wanting to please my team.  Yeah, I started out doing this "recovery thing" because of my team.  I worked hard at listening to my team so that I wouldn't lose them.  I wasn't going to let this eating disorder take away the most trusted, safe people in my life.  (My family still has no clue, and it's a lot better that way, trust me.)

That's how it was supposed to be for a while.  I was working for my team.  They were my motivation, because I had grown quite attached to them.  But the ultimate goal was that I was working on recovery for ME.  Not for anyone else.  I was the reason I wanted to recover.  I agreed with them, too, that is how it should be.  They might be the motivation at that time, but eventually, I'd be working on recovery for me, because it's best for me, because I want to take care of me.

Yeah, there have been some snippets of internal motivation over the past year.  Sometimes I'm doing well and I'll think "yeah, I'm doing this, I'm getting better!"  For that moment, I am doing this recovery thing for me.

But then something happens - I hit a rut that spirals me into a deep depression.  Or PTSD episodes which used to happen very infrequently, happen daily.  Or a new food allergy is discovered.  Or my anxiety spikes because of job related stress.  Then.... when those things happen.... yep, I stick it out and keep working hard for my team.  They've invested too much time and energy into me to let them down.   And because I love them so, I try my hardest to not let the other challenges send me too far backward - I don't want to throw away their hard work.  (And begrudgingly, I'll add that I guess I wouldn't want to throw my hard work away either.)

Week 32: Inspirational Person

This summer, my support community expanded considerably.  In addition to the people I met that inspired this blog, I have become part of another blogging community, that has been wonderful in helping me continue finding words worth sharing along the journey.  While I don't know them personally, each of them, and the stories they share, inspire me.

I am so incredibly grateful for those that are
walking my road next to me...

I've written about S, K, and D before (you can read about them here.)  I've also written about JC, MJ, and E (and you can read about them here.)  And bear with me, cause I'm going to do a bit of repeating here...

E is my rock and the reason I am still here today.  The longer I work with MJ, the more inspired I become by her.  MJ and E are my motivation, my inspiration, and my surrogate parents.  I would not be here without them.  I don't even know if they realize it, but it's less about what they say that inspires me, and more about who they are and how they carry themselves.  Ralph Waldo Emerson said "What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say."  Both of these women carry themselves in a way that matches their words, that matches their teachings..... that draws me into their warmth and positivity, that motivates me to continue the journey..... that carries me on my dark days..... They inspire me to move forward in life, no matter how challenging things are.  And I can move forward, cause I know they are with me, even when I'm not with them.