Wednesday, February 27, 2013

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 4

4. What motivates you to recover?

Well this is a little embarrassing.  Cause my motivation to recovery comes from wanting to please my team.  Yeah, I started out doing this "recovery thing" because of my team.  I worked hard at listening to my team so that I wouldn't lose them.  I wasn't going to let this eating disorder take away the most trusted, safe people in my life.  (My family still has no clue, and it's a lot better that way, trust me.)

That's how it was supposed to be for a while.  I was working for my team.  They were my motivation, because I had grown quite attached to them.  But the ultimate goal was that I was working on recovery for ME.  Not for anyone else.  I was the reason I wanted to recover.  I agreed with them, too, that is how it should be.  They might be the motivation at that time, but eventually, I'd be working on recovery for me, because it's best for me, because I want to take care of me.

Yeah, there have been some snippets of internal motivation over the past year.  Sometimes I'm doing well and I'll think "yeah, I'm doing this, I'm getting better!"  For that moment, I am doing this recovery thing for me.

But then something happens - I hit a rut that spirals me into a deep depression.  Or PTSD episodes which used to happen very infrequently, happen daily.  Or a new food allergy is discovered.  Or my anxiety spikes because of job related stress.  Then.... when those things happen.... yep, I stick it out and keep working hard for my team.  They've invested too much time and energy into me to let them down.   And because I love them so, I try my hardest to not let the other challenges send me too far backward - I don't want to throw away their hard work.  (And begrudgingly, I'll add that I guess I wouldn't want to throw my hard work away either.)

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