Winning

You know that feeling when someone says "we need to talk?"  

The stomach drop, pulse racing, heart pounding feeling that makes you think, or at least makes me think

"What did I do this time?"

I've actually said that many, many times.  It's my standard response, especially at work.  Whenever the principal needs to speak to me, my instant response is "what did I do this time?" even though I very well did nothing wrong whatsoever, and it's a simple question or brief conversation about some professional thing.  I didn't realize how often I use the "what did I do this time?" response each day.  At least once, maybe twice.  Even if I don't speak it, I think it.

Well, today I came up with a new response.

Instead of "what did I do this time?"

I'm going to give

"What did I win?" 

a chance.

If anything, it will likely elicit a brief giggle and smile, and even if it is an uh-oh conversation, at least it will start with a smile.  And considering the grant funds I've "won" over the past ten months?  Who knows? Maybe I will have won something else!

Hoplessness?

Shirt Woot - My favorite place for irony!

This is exactly what I feel like right now.  I feel like I am stuck in a tangled mess of a web searching for the elusive light at the end of the tunnel, the place where happiness resides.

I know, I know, happiness is a feeling, not a destination.  No one can be happy all the time.  At this point, I'll take inner peace, calmness, silence, anything at all to turn of the nasty DJ that lives in my brain.

It sucks.  Like really, really sucks.  And I'd pay just about anything to break the radio, fire the DJ, and play only peaceful, positive, growth-minded tracks.  Believe me, I get that happiness is not something that people are 100% of the time.  I'd settle for 10% of my day spent listening to the happiness station, heck, at this point I'd take 5% of the day.  I just can't live under the constant strain of this DJ.  The longer I listen to these stations, the more hopeless I feel.  Hopeless is not a feeling I enjoy.  Hopeless is not something I want others to feel, either.

Hopeless is when your favorite team is down by 8 runs in the bottom of the 9th, has no men on, and two outs.  That's hopeless.  Hopeless is not a way of life.  Obviously my inner DJ didn't get that memo.

A New Day

I am a huge fan of Anne of Green Gables.  In particular, the friendship between Anne and Diana always makes me smile.  They truly are kindred spirits.

It's been a hell of a weekend.  Seriously.  A long visit with my dietitian has me slightly very anxious about some pretty major changes we are making in my meal plan.  It is not going to be easy.  And I'm not looking forward to this.  But she's really good at turning challenges into opportunities, and I hope her attitude rubs off on me.  Cause this is one challenge I'm not thrilled with, no matter how much my friend logic says it's the best way to handle a lousy situation.

So I'm thinking about tomorrow, and how I get to start fresh, with a brand new day.  Kind of like a crisp, clean, piece of paper just waiting to be drawn or written on.  Or a new blog post just waiting to be written......

Challenge 10, Part 3: Inspiration

Failure. Not something that is often seen as an inspirational topic. But this quote proves otherwise. It's all about perspective, dear readers, perspective indeed.

You may have figured out that as much as I speak about perspective here, it is something I struggle with, especially when my anxiety is heightened and I am stressed.... which is more common these days than I'd prefer.

Thankfully, it often only takes a short conversation with one of my team members to shift my perspective and realize that a positive spin can be found in just about every situation, if only we remember to look.....

Challenge 4, Part 3: Self Confidence

Can you tell this week's topics have been a bit of a struggle for me?  I guess though, that thing Arielle has said, about struggle being a good thing?  That would make this one good week for me!

Self confidence... I really don't know what to say.  I could pretty much duplicate the post on self-esteem, cause it all applies here, too.  What can I say, I had a pretty interesting childhood, ok?  My past shaped the person I am today.  Which, now that I think about it, is a person with some self confidence in one area: teaching.

Put me in front of a room full of children and I am in my element.  Even better, put me in a room full of children with technology (that is reliable and functional!) and I'll be able to make some magic happen.  Or, more likely, those kids will be making magic happen by the time they leave.  My secret?  Treat the kids like they are valuable.  Like they matter.  Like their ideas and questions are worth listening to.  In other words, I treat my students the way I wish I was treated.

Then things come to a screeching halt, cause for some reason, when it comes to doing exactly that, treating myself the way I treat my students?  I lose all confidence and it becomes impossible to do.  Can you hear the irony knocking?

I've been told this recovery process can make miracles happen.  Hopefully one of those miracles will find me receiving the gift of self confidence.  Problem is, I know the gift giver.  And she's not very fond of me.  Hopefully that changes, too.

Week 18: Best Recovery Advice

The best recovery advice I've been given?  Simple.

You CAN do this.  Take one bite at a time.

It sounds trite and condescending.  But it isn't.  Because unless I eat, my brain will never be able to be coherent enough to process the other side of ed, the mental side.  I need to nourish my body so that I can work on recovering my mind.

How am I able to do that?

I don't do it for me.  I don't eat for myself.  I eat because I know if I don't, my team will not be able to help me, and I'll lose them.  I can't lose them.  They are the reason, at least for now, that I am working my @$$ off to eat and to beat this "issue."

More helpful words from my team, who have been my constant cheerleaders and guides on this journey...

Acceptance is the hardest part.  When you do- then you know who and what you are fighting. (8/3/11)

The emotions are there because you need to move forward dealing with them instead of using ED to handle things.  You have the skills, ability intelligence and drive to win this battle.  Don't quit. (11/1/11)

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: WARRIOR

June Blog Challenge Day 6: WARRIOR

I know this mom, and she is pretty incredible.  She's been through a lot in her life, yet, she still wakes up every morning and manages to take on whatever the day brings - sometimes she does it in style, sometimes just gets it done.  Her determination, dedication, compassion, honesty, kindness, her attitude toward life... well, pretty much everything about her is inspiring to me, and I'm very lucky to call her a friend.

She's one of those Warrior Moms.  She's engaged in what will now be a battle for the rest of her life to advocate for her adorable, beautiful, smart, and oh-so sweet little girl.  Her little girl, fondly known as LB, has autism.  And this warrior mom is working non-stop to help her daughter reach her full potential, and leave her mark in the world.  Actually, LB already has left her mark... in the hearts of everyone she meets.

Check out her blog if you'd like - the tagline "A sassy mother warrior from Los Angeles raising a very sweet little girl with Autism in the Midwest" says it all!


 
Prompt: What do you envision when you see this word? Do you embody it? Does someone you know? Do you like the term warrior? Hate it? Go!

A Little Sunshine

In case you haven't noticed, I've been in a crabby place lately.  (That's ok, it took me a while to realize it too!)  I am going to try a self-imposed attitude adjustment.  I can't guarantee how well it will work, but it's worth a try.  With that in mind... here's a bit of a sunnier quote to start the week.

Vacation?

Have you ever felt like that before?  Like you want to leave the world behind for a little while, including yourself?

I'm ready.  I'm ready to leave my self, my life, my world- all of it, behind.  Just for a little while.

Life has been so exhausting these last few weeks.  Logically, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the tunnel won't last forever, but right now, in the thick of all this?  I'm tired of feeling the constant ache.  I'm tired of feeling lost and logic isn't helping.

There's way too much good in my life, in my world, for me to feel this down.  That makes it all the more frustrating.  I DO see the good in my world, all the happiness and positive things that are there... I'm just at a place where the rest of the stuff, the not-so-good stuff, is overriding the good.  My generally optimistic attitude is being clouded by pessimism. Not a big fan of this "half-empty" thinking.  I just don't have the energy to change it right now.

I gotta change that.  And soon.