Too Cool? Too Weird?

I saw this quote the other day and SO me.

Maybe a week ago, I would have glanced at it, thought, "boy does that sound like me," and moved on.

This week, though?  No such luck.

The other day I was asked a question that I really did not want to answer.  So I gave a generic but true response, and tried (successfully) to switch subjects.

The question was something along the lines of "why don't you think you would be able to make more friends?"

And this, my friends, is the answer.  This quote sums it all up.

I don't know if it would be so bad if I weren't one of those "quirky" people who sorta-maybe-kinda would like to be friends with the "cool" crew.  It wouldn't be as bad if the so-called "cool" people at work weren't so UGH to me.  They seek me out for support, and then mock me behind my back.  That is not cool.

Since I learned that, though, I no longer aim to be friends with any of them.  I remain ever the professional, and give them little to no thought.

Thing is.  The.  Thing.  Is.
I'm heading into a whole new group of colleagues.  And the ones I've met so far?  They are awesome, and so the "cool" crew that I really want to befriend.  I think they'd be nice people to hang out with.

But I'm.  Too.  Quirky.  AndI'mAfraidTheyWon'tLikeMeWhenTheyGetToKnowMe.

Right now they really like me.  They're really looking forward to me working with them.  And I'm SUPER excited to be working with them.  But again....
I'mAfraidTheyWon'tLikeMeWhenTheyGetToKnowMe.

I know change is scary.
I know change is good.
But is it possible to change from the too weird for cool or too cool for weird?
Is it possible to be the "quirky" me that I am, and have people like me anyway?

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 12

12. Who in your life knows about your eating disorder? Has sharing about your eating disorder been helpful for you?

Well, the people in my life that know about my eating disorder are very few, exceptionally few outside of my treatment team.

Medical Allies
1. My doctor
2. My dietitian

3. My therapist
4. My psychaitrist
5. My cardiologist

Non-medical supportive Allies
1. BFF -EH
2. BFF -JC
3. mentor - AT
4. mentor - SB

Non-medical, 
non-supportive Allies
1. Friend - LK
2. Friend - KA
3. Friend - KH
4. Friend - LD
5. Sister (horrible choice on my part to disclose to her)

Sharing my eating disorder has been really challenging.  The supportive peers that took it well have been very helpful.  But telling those that I thought would be able to be supportive, and weren't..... that was painful.  Quite painful.  Which is hard, cause sometimes I just want to vent, to talk about it, to complain, to puzzle through something, and as those moments can't be scheduled, it doesn't always work out to talk about that to anyone on my treatment team.  Would I change who I told?  In hindsight, yes.  I would not have told the group that are non-supportive.  Ironically, they all have something in common, and that probably is part of why they aren't supportive.

Ok, this post was long and rambly- love those long answers to short questions!

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 11

11. What are some enjoyable activities you do which are unrelated to your eating disorder, but help you to cope and feel positive?

This is a tough one, but only because I've been dealing with some pretty intense anxiety and depression, which clouds enjoyment.  When I'm not in the wrath of depression, though...

I love photography.  I love taking pictures of nature, of kids, of animals, of happiness, of whatever the lens catches.  I currently do not have much of a camera, and I promised myself that when I am officially recovered, my gift to myself will be a good camera.

I also enjoy playing with simple graphic design and video editing.  It's fun taking a blank screen and creating something that makes people smile.  Same with video editing - putting together moments, intermixed with photos, add in a little music - I really enjoy the process, and more than that, I like when people enjoy what's been put together.

Those are definitely my two favorite things to do.  I also do enjoy writing, knitting, swimming, chocolate, snuggling with my Pup, and cooking with my BFFs.  Or, more like, I enjoy watching them cook :)

(Oh, and I love to collect quotes.... if you couldn't tell!)

Awarded?

Well, I hate to admit it, but I'm blushing.  Larissa over at Papa is a Preacher honored My Purple Dreams with a Wonderful Team Member Readership Award!

I "met" Larissa through NaBloPoMo, and have quite enjoyed reading her blog.  I've actually met many wonderful bloggers through NaBloPoMo, and while it's sometimes tough to post every single day, I'm definitely glad I signed up for the challenge!

This recognition comes with a few requirements, and I want to get those situated before the celebrating begins!

The Rules

1. The Nominee of the Wonderful Team Member Readership Award will display the logo on his/her post/page and/or sidebar.  - Check!
 
2. Over a period of 1 week, the Nominee shall nominate a number of readers that he or she appreciates – this can be done at any rate during the week. It can be all on one day or a few on one day and a few on another day, as most convenient to the Nominee. - Check! (see below!)

3. The Nominee shall name his or her Wonderful Team Member Readership Award nominees on a post or on posts during the 7 day (1 week) period. - Congratulations bloggy friends! (all nominations have been delivered!)

Jackie @ Confessions of a Cupcake Queen
Kylie-Rose @ Rose's are Red
Attachment Girl @ Tales of a Boundary Ninja
Paula Young @ A Therapist's Thoughts
Nicole @ Riding the Wavez
Tracey @ Just As I Am

4.  The nominee shall answer the questions, all in the spirit of fun! - Check!

1) Why do you blog?
I blog because I want to make a difference.  If sharing my story - the good, the bad, the painful, the happy, all of it, helps even one person, then I'll have reached my goal.  As I know this has already happened, I continue to blog because I enjoy writing, and am enjoying meeting new people in the blog-o-sphere!

2) If you were trapped on a desert island, what book, DVD, food, cartoon character, and childhood game would you bring?
Umm..... can I say that I'd bring my iPad, a wireless hot spot, and a solar recharging station?  Then I'd have all the entertainment, books, and distractions I'd need!
Oh, that kind of answer.  Well then..... let's see......
Book: Can I have a series?  Can't pick just one book.... at least not easily.  Ok.  One book.  Every Soul a Star by Wendy Mass.  Series?  Harry Potter.
DVD: American Eats Series.  History Channel rocks.
Food: Cereal.  Cereal and chocolate.
Cartoon Character: Calvin and Hobbes - I'd never be bored!
Childhood Game: The game of Life!

3) Share a funny joke or one-liner.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.  It was tense.
:)

4) What is your favorite thing about yourself?
Tough one..... it'd have to be my ability to connect with my students and make learning meaningful for them.

5) What one word best describes you?
Thinker.  Explanation here.

6) If you could have a lifetime supply of any candy/candy bar, what would it be?
Almond m&ms.  Or peanut m&ms.  Or mounds bars.  Yeah, maybe mounds bars.

7) What fictional character do you relate to most?
Easy!  Wrote a whole post about it.  You can read it here.

8) If you were to write the story of your life, what would you call it?
Well, I already have the title picked out, and the blog site reserved..... so let's just keep that between me and my therapist for right now, k?

True Friendship

Today was the first Sunday in months that I actually smiled.  It was the first Sunday I got out of my pajamas.  The first Sunday that I actually left the house.  The first Sunday that I didn't spend the day hiding in my bedroom.

Yeah, I'm still depressed.  But I spent a few hours with a true friend today, one of the few that I have.  And somehow, while we were walking to lunch in this unseasonably warm weather, the darkness temporarily released it's hold on me and I was able to enjoy our time together.  While I was forcing myself to laugh at first, so as not to rain on the beautiful weather, after a while, it wasn't an effort.  

Smiles were harder.  Somehow, as good of a job as I thought I was doing in keeping things light and happy, she knew.  She commented on how happy I seemed, and wondered if it was genuine.... she knew.... but being that special soul that she is, she understood.  And when we said goodbye, that little extra squeeze?  That was the best medicine out there.

Only a true friend sees the pain through the mask and loves you anyway....

Little Things

I know that a lot of people don't always recognize how lucky they are.  How good they have it.  Perspective is a tricky thing, no matter how old you are.

I know that I am luckier than many.  I recognize that, and am very grateful for what I do have.  Yeah, there are a lot of things that I went through that really sucked.  There are a lot of things in my life that still suck.  But I still think I'm a lucky one.

And that's partially because of the people in my life who support me.  It's not like they go above and beyond, it's that they're just great people.  It's the hug I get when I walk into my dietitian's office, or the little extra squeeze when we hug goodbye.  It's the text message that warns me not to panic when I pull into the parking lot and don't see my therapist's car.  It's the three month notice I get when there is a schedule adjustment to be made, because I don't take to surprises well.  It's the unexpected text that says "I made some soup for you for next time you come over," just because.  It's the way my crazy thoughts are normalized by those who really understand me.

I'm lucky.  Really lucky.  It's the little things that really do mean the most....

Challenge 8, Part 2: Learning

The other night I was invited to a friend's for dinner.  It had been a really long day, part of this crazy long week, and I was exhausted.  I knew that if I went to dinner, I'd not be good company, as I'd likely be slowly slipping into that place that I land in when I'm overtired.  The friend who invited me is one who I can lean on, and actually have in past emotional overload situations.

So when I was invited, I really, really wanted to go.  I knew that if I went, I'd get good food, and good friendship... which is great.  But I knew that I'd also probably lose it.  I don't want to do that.  I know how sensitive I am at the moment.  I know that I'm emotionally spent, and just want someone to wrap their arms around me and comfort me while I cry.  And this friend would have done that.  But I just couldn't do it.

This is one of those times when loneliness kicks in, and I wish that I had a significant other... Cause if I were in a healthy relationship, I'd have someone there for me when I need that kind of comfort.  And if I were in a healthy relationship, it'd mean that I'd have that kind of relationship with myself, too.  The one where I'd have learned how to comfort myself appropriately.  Where I've learned how to sit with and feel my emotions.  Where I'd have learned to let anger out without explosions and rage.  Where I'd have learned to feel the whole range of feelings, and not let them suffocate me.

Cause I know all of that needs to be present in my relationship with myself before I'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

I have a lot to learn...  I am willing to do the work.... I just don't think I'm there yet...

Challenge 6, Part 1: The Self

 

I picked this for my first venture on exploring "the self" because it's a feeling I've experienced a lot.  So many times in my life, I thought that people truly cared about me and valued having me in their life.  People actually wanted to spend time with me, and I gave my whole self to those friendships.  It's taken a lot of hurts to finally realize that sometimes when you invest too much, the relationship becomes unbalanced, and one day you wake up and realize the person you thought was your friend, isn't.  I see this as a positive quote, cause it shows that I've learned this lesson, cause I have not had to repeat it in quite a while!  It definitely wasn't a fun one to learn, either, but it was well worth it.  Sometimes you have to let people go so that you can take better care of yourself.  And that's worth it.

First Blogger Challenge: Complete!

So, I did it.  I completed the blogger challenge.  I'm honestly a little surprised that I was able to keep up with the post-a-day pace, but somehow it all worked.

June 2012 Blogger Challenge

I'm kinda sad it's over.  It was a growth-filled experience, and it gave me something to look forward to each day in June.  I met some pretty amazing people, too.  Everyone commented how nice of a community was built through this challenge.  I agree.  I look forward to keeping connected to those I met, who inspired me to write daily through their own sharing on their blogs.

Right from the challenge website, the mission was clearly spelled out - "Hungry for Change are delighted to partnership with Actively Arielle in a blog challenge that is sure to encourage, inspire and educate in so many diverse ways."  It lived up to it's mission, that's for sure - challenging, encouraging, inspiring, and educating in many, many different aspects of life. 

Thank you Arielle, and thank you Tracey, for creating and fostering a community of kindness and inspiration that benefits and educates everyone!  Can't wait to see what you come up with next!

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: COMMUNITY

 June Blog Challenge Day 30: COMMUNITY
 

Merriam-Webster defines community as a unified body of individuals.  If you would have asked me a month ago which unified body of individuals I belong to, I would have given you the standard answers - the city in which I live and the school and district in which I work.  The only two real life communities I feel connected to.  I am a part of three online communities that have been very supportive, as well.  But that's it. 

I have never felt I belong anywhere but by myself.  From childhood through college, my community has never been consistent, as I never was able to fit in with any one group.  I became a part of the community that was my focus at the time, almost like a chameleon, but it was never a perfect fit, there was always something a little off, I never truly fit in.  I am not in contact with most of my childhood friends, as my siblings are.  I have few friends, but the few I have are wonderful people whom I cherish very much.  Even with my friends, though, each belongs to a different part of my world, and rarely do all my friends interact within the same community.  I just figured that's how my life was supposed to be - I am one of those people who is independent enough to withstand the life of a loner.

This blog challenge has really opened my eyes to the power of virtual communities.  Just because I don't know everyone in this challenge face-to-face, doesn't mean that we aren't a part of the same community, doesn't mean I don't know you all.  It's just a different kind of community, one, I'm guessing, that 30 years ago, no one thought would be possible.  The internet has opened the world to loaners like me, so that we can finally find a community in which we fit. 
My first foray into the virtual community world was because of recovery.  This blog was born through a wonderful online recovery community project.  I have yet to meet any of my virtual friends face to face, but that doesn't make them any less special.  I so appreciate each comment left on my blog, and am honored to leave comments for others.  Reading others thoughts, hearing their stories, it's a treat to get a peek into your worlds, your minds.  I feel a sense of belonging that I have lacked for much of my life. I have grown through this project in a way I never anticipated.  Community, as it turns out, like life, is what you make it.  And everyone reading this blog, everyone that I have met, ultimately helps me grow as a person, and plays a role in shaping my community.  For that, I thank you.

Prompt: To end, I chose the word “community” because that’s what these blogger challenges are about. What does community mean to you? How does it fit into your life? Into your health? Into your recovery? Or how does it relate to blogging? Or family? Share with us what it means for you.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: TRAVEL

June Blog Challenge Day 28: Travel

View from above...

When I was younger, travel was rare.  The state in which I live has some great places to take "staycations" but even those were few and far between.  We usually just did day trips.  Once I hit junior high, we were "old enough" to visit my grandparents who spent the winter months in Mexico.  Those trips sound like they would be fantastic, right?  Well, I would say that four-fifths of my immediate family enjoyed the trips (yes, we went for a few visits over the years) and one-fifth didn't.  You may be able to guess which fifth didn't.

My favorite Mexican Retreat!

As I got older and entered the employment world (which at that age, was babysitting!) I sat for a few families that took me with them to babysit on trips, which led me to Florida and Chicago.  It also opened my eyes to the world outside of my home town.  I loved getting to pretend I was part of their families (even though I was the nanny) and live in a world that was so different from mine, even for just a few weeks.

Once I "grew up" (using that term loosely) I visited a few more states traveling for yoga workshops and retreats.  Again, I was lucky to travel as an employee of the yoga studio, which is the only way I was able to afford such travels.

The Santa Monica Pier

The biggest moment for me came when I ventured, for the first time EVER, out on my own, and flew to the east coast for a yoga workshop.  It was my first time traveling alone, my first time staying in a dorm, my first time staying with a roommate... a lot of first times in that trip, including the first time I took the risk to assert myself, which resulted in an amazing friendship with someone who I consider one of my closest friends.  That one week workshop led to several summers visiting this friend, spending 3-5 weeks living with her family and helping her with various tasks.  The experience of traveling solo, on such a scary and unknown adventure, led to such a sweet experience...

Millie's Secret Place... FAVORITE book ever!

Honestly though?  I'm really a home-body.  For me, as much as I enjoyed my yoga trips, and love visiting my friend, my favorite method of travel is in my mind.  I love revisiting old friends, heading to Millie's secret hiding place, the banks of Plum Creek, the Moonshadow Campground, Forks, Diagon Alley, the city of Ember, Narnia, Prince Edward Island, and even Assateague Island... books were my favorite method of transportation, and hold many of my most cherished memories.

A journey is best measured in friends, rather than miles.

--Tim Cahill 

Prompt: This can refer to an actual trip (or many trips) to other countries. Maybe to other cities. Maybe it’s a figurative journey you’ve taken in your life at some point. Maybe it’s the journey of motherhood or a career traveling. Maybe you have dreams to travel that are driving you to your goals.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: WARRIOR

June Blog Challenge Day 6: WARRIOR

I know this mom, and she is pretty incredible.  She's been through a lot in her life, yet, she still wakes up every morning and manages to take on whatever the day brings - sometimes she does it in style, sometimes just gets it done.  Her determination, dedication, compassion, honesty, kindness, her attitude toward life... well, pretty much everything about her is inspiring to me, and I'm very lucky to call her a friend.

She's one of those Warrior Moms.  She's engaged in what will now be a battle for the rest of her life to advocate for her adorable, beautiful, smart, and oh-so sweet little girl.  Her little girl, fondly known as LB, has autism.  And this warrior mom is working non-stop to help her daughter reach her full potential, and leave her mark in the world.  Actually, LB already has left her mark... in the hearts of everyone she meets.

Check out her blog if you'd like - the tagline "A sassy mother warrior from Los Angeles raising a very sweet little girl with Autism in the Midwest" says it all!


 
Prompt: What do you envision when you see this word? Do you embody it? Does someone you know? Do you like the term warrior? Hate it? Go!

Friendship

Stand up.

Today kicks of Reading Month, and in the education world, that's a pretty big deal.  I like to promote reading whenever I can.

This week is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week.  I made a commitment to myself to post a fact or a link or something each day this week on my FB page in order to promote ED awareness.  It's felt a bit risky to do so, but I think it's important to spread awareness for things that are important, that matter, to me. 

Which is why I wore orange today.  I wore orange for a friend of mine who underwent a stem cell transplant today.  She's one tough chick, and her attitude is one worth catching.  No matter what she has going on, she's always the first one to lend an encouraging word to anyone who asks.  Orange is so not my color, but today, it was the only color I wanted to wear.

So stand up.  Or sit down.  Or walk.  Or run or draw or bike or swim or whatever you do... do it with a purpose.  Do it to raise awareness for something that matters to you.  You never know who will be reached by your effort, or who will finally speak up and get help, or give help, because of what you stood up for.

Count on Me

I wasn't going to mention the loss of yet another great artist.  I generally try to avoid getting wrapped up in the celebrity gossip train, but I have a soft spot for Whitney Houston's music.  One of my favorite episodes of my favorite childhood show, Kids Incorporated, was an episode that included the song How Will I Know? (It's not the greatest quality, but here's a link to the song in the episode, which is still one of my favorites!)

This weekend I wandered down memory lane a little bit.  I weeded through many childhood pictures in preparation to make a photo montage for an upcoming family celebration.  There were a TON of pictures to go through, full of memories, some good, some not so good, but all reminders of what was, and what now is.

There's a saying I've learned that talks about "going to the hardware store for bread."   I recently had to undergo a simple medical procedure that required anesthesia, which meant I needed transportation.  So I asked my parents to help me out.  Pretty simple.  I do know that this kind of help is something they are not capable of easily providing, but I asked anyway because it was the simplest route.  Sometimes simple is NOT better.

I have some great friends in my life that I can count on to be there for me when I ask.  When I ask.  That's the problem.  I really struggle to ask.  Even when they offer, I still struggle to take them up on their offer.  This weekend was a reminder that I sometimes need to actually let people help when they offer, and ask for help if they don't.

While I wish I could count on my parents for the support that parents are theoretically supposed to provide for their children, I can't.  And that's a pretty painful conclusion to arrive at.  Especially considering I've been here before, but seem to enjoy going to that hardware store for bread, and beating my head against the wall after I remember that I wasn't going to shop there anymore.

While the medical procedure was easy, working on the photo montage has been anything but.  The aftermath of the whole experience with my parents has left me feeling vulnerable and sad, not to mention lonely.  I know that there are friends I can count on, and I know that reaching out will help.  I'm just not quite there yet.  So if you offer to help me and I say no,  I won't be offended if you offer again, a little more insistently, cause sometimes it takes me a while to realize I'm worth accepting the help.

I'll leave you with this video... and the reminder that sometimes it's ok to go to the hardware store, but don't plan on picking up a loaf of bread while you're there.

Count on Me by Whitney Houston featuring CeCe Winans

Another Wake-up Call

I took a break from life for a while... I'd like to say I've been away enjoying a vacation or travels or some other wonderful adventure.  But that wasn't the case.

Instead, I took a little trip to the local emergency room.  Which is anything but fun.  Especially since going to the ER felt like my worst fears were swallowing me whole.

I have been working my tail off the last few weeks while I was on break, only this time, I wasn't really working on stuff for work.  I was actually working on me.  For nearly ten days, my only job was to focus on me.

It sounds so simple, right?  I mean, as an adult, we are responsible for taking care of our own needs on a daily basis.  Not like when we were kids, and theoretically, our parental figures took care of us and met our needs.  Nope, when you're an adult, you're on your own for that.

And it should be somewhat easy by the time you hit your 30's, right?  Not.

I'm great at putting what everyone else needs ahead of what I need.  I'm great at avoiding taking care of my needs because something else (hello, pinterest) gets in the way.  I'm great at putting things off until the last second, and then stressing myself out while I squeeze in whatever it is that must be done, just in the nick of time.

Sunset, January 2012

It all caught up with me Wednesday.  Thankfully the previous ten days were well spent, and I did manage to take better care of myself than I have done in the past.  I didn't even think about work, instead I kept the focus on what I needed to do to take care of me.  It wasn't as complicated as I thought it would be, but again, I was on vacation, so I only had one focus.  When it came time to go back to work, I had to split my focus - still maintaining the priority of taking care of me, but also getting back into work mode, and taking care of all my work responsibilities.  I love what I do, so it was actually really nice to be back at work and in the routine of things again!

(I digress, back to the point.)

However, had I not spent the previous ten days taking care of myself, Wednesday's ER visit would have been a lot worse.  Still, after ten hours in the ER, they never determined the exact cause of my passing out.  I was sent home with instructions to follow up with my doctor and rest.  And you know what?  I listened.  I did what I needed to do to take care of me.  I actually stayed home from work because I knew if I went to work, resting would not be on the agenda.

Some of you reading this might think that my 2012 has started off horribly (I know some of you are thinking this because I was thinking it myself for a while!)  I have to disagree with that thought.  It started off exactly as it needed to start.  It started off with the reminder that no matter what I am doing, I have to take care of myself first.  I did that for the tail end of 2011, and when 2012 started, I tried to go back to my old ways.  Wednesday's wake-up call was yet another reminder that if I don't take care of myself, there's no way I'll be able to be good for anyone else.  Guess this is one time that "me first" is an appropriate expression!

By the way, spending the day in the ER was pretty miserable.  I was a wreck, terrified they would have to admit me, and I'd be stuck in misery.  My saving grace was having my BFF there... on her day off, no less... After eight hours, I did convince her to leave and go take care of herself, which she did, and another friend came to take me home... but...

"A true friend is one who reaches for your 

hand... but touches your heart..." --unknown