Topic of Conversation?

I had the strangest, yet incredibly inspiring conversation with my students today.

Oddly enough, the conversation topic?  Eczema.

I suffer from eczema, which takes up residence on my face and scalp.  I can hide it pretty well sometimes, but other times, like now, with the seasons changing, it is in a major flare up. 

And I can't hide it.  No matter how hard I try.

So today, as I sat in front of 25 pairs of eyes, and I had white blotches all over my face.... I decided to be honest with them, and head off any odd stares or questions.

"Do I have white stuff all over my face?" I asked them.  They all nodded, rather solemnly, at that.  "I have eczema, which means spots of my skin get all itchy and flaky sometimes.  Today is one of those times.  I know it looks funny, sort of like a clown...." (more nods, and a few giggles,) "but if I'm not careful, it really starts to hurt!  And this morning, I was in such a hurry to get to school, I forgot to put my cream on.  So I put it on just now, and that's what all the white splotches are."

Silence.  I was a little worried.  I've never been that blatant about my eczema before, with anyone (except my treatment team, of course)  And here I was, explaining it to a bunch of 8-9-10 year olds.

A small miracle happened that really made my heart leap just a little bit.  One by one, students started sharing their experiences with eczema.  Some have it themselves, and as one child said "In the winter, I have to put TWO layers of cream all over my body in the morning!"  While another chirped up "My sister has it all over her belly and back, I rub the lotion on for her sometimes."  And another, "I have it all over my hands and arms, and in the winter, it gets so bad it sometimes bleeds!" 

The stories kept coming.  And no one said yuck or gross or eww or anything.  Even when several kids chimed in that they too, experience cracking skin and bleeding when it gets bad.

No one flinched.

For some reason, it felt like a very important conversation to me.  I grew up so ashamed of all my "issues"..... I don't know why, it might have been one that rolled off their backs never to be thought of again..... but deep down, I'm hoping that it showed the kids that sometimes, the things we might not like about our bodies, aren't as bad as we think they are, because we're not alone in our struggles.......

Excuses

School ended last week, and I celebrated by getting really sick.  Not by choice, mind you.  The timing was uncanny though, school got out Friday, I got sick Saturday night, spent the next 48 hours in the commode, visited the ER, and then spent the next 48 hours laying low and praying food would stay in.  Thank goodness school was out, cause it would have sucked to miss that last week!

On the plus side, mentally, this bug didn't beat me.  Not one bit.  I was surprisingly upbeat and cheery despite the fact that I now know how many tiles are in my bathroom floor.  Except.....

My ex-bff is trying really hard to work his way back into my life.  We haven't spoken in a while, which has been really nice.  But when this bug hit me, he was right there next to me, offering comfort and companionship.

And I've been buying it.  Sort of.  I've been (sort of) using this as an excuse to not eat.  By sort of, I mean that for 48 hours I didn't eat.  I was too sick.  The next 48 hours I really couldn't eat.  Believe me, I tried, but my stomach rejected everything but crackers and bananas.

It's been day one of actual eating, and I'm on a very bland diet..... and he is loving it.  I looked in the mirror this morning and have visibly lost weight over the last 5 days.  It made me smile, looking in the mirror and seeing the smaller body staring back at me.  Even though I know it's so not a good thing..... being happy about losing weight from being sick....

I'm giving myself the week.  That's it.  I've been exhausted and weak, and in no mood to argue with him.  I know that this is a blip in the path.  I know that while I may be enjoying his visit at the moment.... I know he's the worst influence on me, and he views my health completely differently than my team and I do.  A week.  Then it's back to the meal plan.

At least that's my plan.

Kicking Off NEDA Week 2013

Today kicks of National Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2013.  

Last year I was deep in the depths of my ED, and NEDA week 2012 helped me push through some sticky spots.  This year I'm in a very different spot recovery-wise, better in some ways, the same in others.

Eating Disorders are serious.  They are not something people choose to have.  In fact, eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.  But there is help.  And there is hope.  Recovery IS possible.  And the first step is telling your secret.  After struggling for more than half my life, I told my secret.  And you can too.

Considering this blog started as a recovery project, I am kicking off NEDA week 2013 with a 30 day recovery challenge.  Danielle over at Recovery is Worth The Fight led me to this challenge, and after speaking it over with my dietitian, today seems to be the perfect day to kick off the challenge.

There's a pretty good chance that you know someone who has an eating disorder.  You might not know who, but with the prevalence of EDs...... Visit NEDAs website for tools that will help you, or someone you care about, overcome an eating disorder.  It is possible!

Each day of NEDA week I will feature a recovery blog that I've found helpful.  This first blog, Surviving ED by Jessica Hudgens, is an eye opening look at eating disorders from inside and out.  She's a great writer, and I find her posts easy to read, and helpful in realizing that I'm not alone.

I Just Don't Get It

It has absolutely been a crazy few months.  Lots of family stuff, lots of health stuff, lots of stuff in general.  I'm starting to realize that my life thrives on the chaotic times that never seem to end, yet, somehow, I seemed to have learned to live amidst the chaos.

Despite the chaos, though, I have managed to somewhat stabilize my weight.  This is a very good thing, and a part of me is quite pleased with my progress.  Only a few short months ago, I was barely able to maintain from week to week.  A year ago, I wasn't even eating enough to sustain basic metabolic function.  I've come a long way!  I mean, I even saw *that* number a few weeks ago, and while it startled me, it didn't derail my progress like it did last time.  Talk about progress!

In a few weeks, I'll be having minor surgery.  This comes after a two and a half year journey and dozens upon dozens of doctor visits, so I'm actually kind of excited that there is not only an answer to this issue, but a solution, too.

Here's what I don't get.

In thinking about my progress with my health and eating, I can see how far I've come, and how much better I'm doing.  So why then, has the nasty little voice in my mind been telling me that as soon as the surgery is over, and I'm recovered from that, I'm going back to my (not-so) good buddy who never has my best interest in mind in the first place?  Why then, would I throw away the hard work of the past few months once the surgery is done, only to go backwards in my recovery?  Why on earth would I even entertain those thoughts?

I just don't get it.

Everybody Knows Somebody

Today kicks off National Eating Disorder Awareness week.  

"Everybody Knows Somebody" is this year's theme.

It's unfortunately, probably very true.  

I bet everybody does know someone who struggles with an eating disorder.  

A few facts*:

NEDA Week
February 26 - March 3 2012

• Eating disorders are serious, but treatable, illnesses with medical and psychiatric aspects
• Eating disorders can be life-threatening if not recognized and treated appropriately
• Eating disorders affect both boys and girls, men and women, of all socioeconomic status
• Contrary to popular belief, you can not tell if a person has an eating disorder based on their appearance
• People with eating disorders do not choose to have one; it is not a way to seek attention, it is a serious medical and mental condition that needs professional attention
• Only a small percentage of people with eating disorders are actually emaciated- again, reinforcing that you can not tell if someone has an eating disorder based on how they look
• Complete recovery from an eating disorder IS possible!

*Facts courtesy of NEDA's toolkit

Eating disorders are serious stuff, but often the shame of having one prevents the person suffering from seeking much needed support.  If you or someone you know is suffering from an eating disorder, or even thinks they might have an eating disorder, there is hope.  There are resources available to you to get help, and yes, you can even remain anonymous if you need, though I promise you, carrying the secret alone is more painful than sharing it with someone who cares.

Resources and Tools:

Do I have an eating disorder?

Eating Disorders Anonymous

National Eating Disorders Association

Jenni Schaefer - Life Without Ed

Actively Arielle: Voice With Commitment

Gurze Books: Resources for Recovery

HAES: Healthy At Every Size

Mentor Connect

My ED Help

Something Fishy: ED recovery site

There is hope.  It isn't an easy journey, that's for sure, but it is worth it, YOU are worth it!

Be kind, for everyone you meet 

is fighting a harder battle.

 -- Plato

Another Wake-up Call

I took a break from life for a while... I'd like to say I've been away enjoying a vacation or travels or some other wonderful adventure.  But that wasn't the case.

Instead, I took a little trip to the local emergency room.  Which is anything but fun.  Especially since going to the ER felt like my worst fears were swallowing me whole.

I have been working my tail off the last few weeks while I was on break, only this time, I wasn't really working on stuff for work.  I was actually working on me.  For nearly ten days, my only job was to focus on me.

It sounds so simple, right?  I mean, as an adult, we are responsible for taking care of our own needs on a daily basis.  Not like when we were kids, and theoretically, our parental figures took care of us and met our needs.  Nope, when you're an adult, you're on your own for that.

And it should be somewhat easy by the time you hit your 30's, right?  Not.

I'm great at putting what everyone else needs ahead of what I need.  I'm great at avoiding taking care of my needs because something else (hello, pinterest) gets in the way.  I'm great at putting things off until the last second, and then stressing myself out while I squeeze in whatever it is that must be done, just in the nick of time.

Sunset, January 2012

It all caught up with me Wednesday.  Thankfully the previous ten days were well spent, and I did manage to take better care of myself than I have done in the past.  I didn't even think about work, instead I kept the focus on what I needed to do to take care of me.  It wasn't as complicated as I thought it would be, but again, I was on vacation, so I only had one focus.  When it came time to go back to work, I had to split my focus - still maintaining the priority of taking care of me, but also getting back into work mode, and taking care of all my work responsibilities.  I love what I do, so it was actually really nice to be back at work and in the routine of things again!

(I digress, back to the point.)

However, had I not spent the previous ten days taking care of myself, Wednesday's ER visit would have been a lot worse.  Still, after ten hours in the ER, they never determined the exact cause of my passing out.  I was sent home with instructions to follow up with my doctor and rest.  And you know what?  I listened.  I did what I needed to do to take care of me.  I actually stayed home from work because I knew if I went to work, resting would not be on the agenda.

Some of you reading this might think that my 2012 has started off horribly (I know some of you are thinking this because I was thinking it myself for a while!)  I have to disagree with that thought.  It started off exactly as it needed to start.  It started off with the reminder that no matter what I am doing, I have to take care of myself first.  I did that for the tail end of 2011, and when 2012 started, I tried to go back to my old ways.  Wednesday's wake-up call was yet another reminder that if I don't take care of myself, there's no way I'll be able to be good for anyone else.  Guess this is one time that "me first" is an appropriate expression!

By the way, spending the day in the ER was pretty miserable.  I was a wreck, terrified they would have to admit me, and I'd be stuck in misery.  My saving grace was having my BFF there... on her day off, no less... After eight hours, I did convince her to leave and go take care of herself, which she did, and another friend came to take me home... but...

"A true friend is one who reaches for your 

hand... but touches your heart..." --unknown