Up for a Swing?

It's been a day.  It's been a week, actually.  A rather anxiety ridden week.  Today was the first day I felt like I had the space to breathe on my own, without relying on my team's presence.  So what did I do?  I sat in my swing.  I sat in my swing for a long time. 
Made me think of this poem:

How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
River and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside--

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown--
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down!

--Robert Louis Stevenson


It was a favorite poem of mine as a child.  The illustration is one by my favorite childhood illustrator, too.  This particular illustrator brought multicultural illustrations into her books before it was "the thing" to do.

Back to *my* swing.  I got it almost two years ago.  I bought the stand first, as there was no place to hang a swing inside my house.  I bought an inexpensive rope swing for it, too, with the intention of putting it outside in the spring.  That never happened.

Instead, I ended up getting a beautiful wicker cocoon like swing and keeping it in my living room.  And I love it.  I don't use it enough, though.  Or at least I didn't.

As of late, with my anxiety at an all time high, I've been working to find ways to self-soothe that don't involve the presence of my uber-calming team.  It hasn't been easy.  So far, Xanax is a guarantee (but I've been out of it for weeks,) as is sleep (which isn't always feasible.)  I know there are other things I can do, my dietitian has been encouraging me to take walks, which I have been.  But sometimes dragging myself out the door even for a short dog walk is rough.  Crawling over to my swing is doable.  There's something about the gentle sway, the cocoon-like shape of the swing, and the way I can curl up in it that provides a sort of calm that my nervous system really needs.

How do you self-soothe?  I'm open to new ideas and I'd love to know what works for others!

What's Up.

I know. 
I've been noticeably absent from my bloggy world.
And I miss it.
I miss YOU!
(Yes, you, reading this right now.)

I've been backed up on replying to comments.
I love replying to everyone's comments.
I will get to them, soon, I promise.

More than that,
though,
I miss my friends in this blog-o-sphere.
Yeah, I've been reading your blogs.
You've shared some great insights and posts.
And I want to thank you,
and encourage you to continue writing.
Cause I love reading your words.
And I'm sorry I haven't shared that lately.

I miss blogging.
I miss writing.
I miss you.

I'll be back.
Lots of posts are brewing in my head.
Next stop - my journal.
And
Eventually
The blog.

Thanks for sticking with me.
Means a lot.
More than you'll probably know.

Saturday Smiles

Poetry Month Edition
(Sorry, I couldn't resist!)

Image courtesy of Threadless

Image courtesy of SnorgTees

You Can Tell Me

Four simple words.
Short.
One syllable.
Unremarkable apart.
But together?

Those four words flooded my heart,
filling me with the warmth only a hug brings.

Four little words,
spoken at just the right moment,
turned a fear-filled few minutes
with hope.......
with understanding.......
with possibility.........

And filled me
with gratitude........
with appreciation.......
with faith........

You can tell me.

You.
Can.
Tell.
Me.

Thank you.
Thank you thank you thank you.

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 26

26. What does recovery mean to you?

Recovery means.....
     that I don't hate to eat.
     that I am not afraid of food.
     that I'm not obsessed with food.
     that I have embraced my
          imperfections.
     I've learned how to eat, and not hoover
          my food.
     I'm able to follow plans B - Z if meal A
          isn't available.
     that I am at peace with myself - body,
          mind, and spirit.
That's what recovery means.

A link to 30 things one woman can 

do now that she's recovered.

Challenge 1, Part 3: Creativity

I learned a lot about this week's topic by reading everyone's posts.  That is probably one of the best gifts of a blogging community - we learn from each others words, experiences, and stories.  Still have a lot to learn over here, but this challenge sure gave me a good start on the topics of self-care and self-soothing!

Struggling to learn

Enough about how to

Live a life

Full of love and

Compassion for my self

Along with

Realizing that

Even I am worth it.

Self-Care

complicated, effort-full

discouraging, challenging, empowering

a worthwhile skill to acquire

Self-Soothing 

© MGD July 2012

A really great list of ideas to take care of the self: 70 ways for Self Care

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: BLISS

 June Blog Challenge Day 27: BLISS

I came up with four ways to describe bliss.  One is where I spend most of my time, but the other three, I hope one day become my reality.

Brilliantly

Living

In

Spite of

Self-doubt

Beginning to
Learn
It's
Safe to
Succeed

Born
Loving Life,
Influence
Sure
Saddened me.

Believe
Life
Is
Significant and
Special

-->

© MGD June 2012

 Prompt: Joy. Happiness. Bliss is real. Talk about a time you felt bliss.  Or describe the experience in an emotional sense. Maybe you have a poem that explains it well for you. Maybe you struggle with what bliss feels like. Whatever it is, tell us.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: TEARS

June Blog Challenge Day 19: TEARS

Tears

Why do I cry?

The constant threat
of tears

is getting old.
Fast. 

If tears are what

make rainbows

in our eyes

my world should be

filled

with color. 

Yet I often

choose

to live within the

extremes.
Black

or

white.

I want

a world

full of color.

I just wish
I could find it

with a 

few

less

tears.

© MGD, June 2012

I cry a lot.  Every emotion elicits tears - sadness, happiness, anger, excitement... The emotions have been plentiful the past few weeks, and this poem was written after a rather intense conversation one day last week.  I need frequent reminders that there really is a world full of colorful options, and I don't have to stick with extremes.  It's a good thing for me to be reminded of regularly, maybe one day soon I'll remember that my favorite color is purple, and not black or white.

Prompt: Tears can be healthy. Tears can be reminders of things past. Tears can be freeing. Beautiful. Tears can be a release. What do tears mean for you? Do you cry a lot? Not at all? What is it that makes you cry? Consider what feels right for you for this prompt.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: HONESTY

June Blog Challenge Day 7: HONESTY

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
Can't.
Won't.
It's way too easy
to read me
like a book.

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
I don't think so.
It wouldn't be right.
Won't help at all
or make anything
better.

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
Hope not.
Shouldn't.
It'd hurt.
It'd be pretty
stupid.

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
I did.
To a fairly
important
person.
To me.

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
Didn't want to.
He made me.
They said
it would only
hurt me.

They were right.

© June 2012 © MGD

Prompt: Tell a story, sort your thoughts, do what feels right when you think of this word. Talk about honesty in regards to yourself or to a person from your past or present. Maybe a  quote seems more fitting today. Be honest with it. ;)

 

Week 14: Gratitude

grat·i·tude  [grat-i-tood] - noun - the quality or feeling of being grateful or thankful: He expressed his gratitude to everyone on the staff.

I have a lot to be grateful for these days.  Yes, there are a lot of things that suck.  Big time.  But if I can get myself out of the tailspin in which I seem to be spending much of my time, and if I can get myself to pause, and take a deep breath... yes, I do have a lot to be grateful for.

I can walk, I can run, I can sit in the sun

I can laugh, I can smile, I have fun once in a while

I love my job, I love to teach, My class knows nothing is out of reach

I can think, I can write, The future does look rather bright

I can talk, I can cry, I can not tell a lie

I can learn, I can grow, I can share all that I know.

I have a house, in which I live

and lots of love that I freely give

I have sweet friends who care about me

They share their love, and help me see

The world is full, of love, of hate

Of peace, of beauty, it's never to late

To take time out, and thank those who care

Those who dream, and those who dare

When I think of things, that I haven't got

I pause to remember, I'm grateful for a lot!

What If?

It's no surprise that things have been a little chaotic in my life. I mean, I'm a teacher, and dealing with chaos is part of the job description. September is always a chaotic month in education in general. Add to the typical beginning of the school year chaos a little bit of personal challenge and you may end up with a recipe for disaster.

And everyone knows disasters are not welcome in September.

Enter yet another beginning: January. The Time of New Year's Resolutions.  January brings all the commercials about joining a gym and starting the perfect diet to get to that perfect body and finally realize that long-standing new year's resolution to lose weight.

So when someone sent me a link to the Healthy At Every Size blog, it was quite timely. It brought to the surface something I wrote back in the chaos of September. The HAES blog post explores a resolution I actually want to keep: boot the bully from your brain. For me, that means taking the iPod of my brain and deleting every single playlist created over the past thirty years, restoring it to factory settings, and compiling new, healthier playlists. Playlists that are filled with positive tracks, tracks full of tools to overcome the challenges that will always arise in life, tracks with healthy coping mechanisms, and resources and wisdom that I am working on acquiring. It means starting over.

And when that hateful, yet familiar voice that has been in your head for a lifetime finally figures out that it's getting replaced... it doesn't go quietly.  Unfortunately, I am part of the 80% of women who have body image issues.*  I've blogged about this a bit before (including this post and this post.) I'd like to say that after the past several months of intense inner work that the issue has lessened, but that isn't the case.

I wrote this poem back in the September chaos. While I was thrilled to be back at school with a wonderful group of students, I was pretty anxious about staying healthy enough to be there for them.

What If?
What if I'm really not ready to give up Ed?
What if I'm stringing my team along, because I just plain like talking to them?
What if I'm really willing to let myself suffer *that* much?
What if I like depriving myself of previous sweet treats?
What if I am on a death mission and am using the Ed as a cover?
What if I like this control just a little too much?
What if I like getting skinnier?
What if I don't care enough to get better?
What if I don't want to get better?
What if I want to let myself go?
What if this is a desperate cry for help?
What if I can't accept that help?
What if I keep Ed around cause he cares, and no one else does?
What if I just don't care at all anymore?


What if I kick Ed out for good?
What if I join my team in fighting together against Ed?
What if I decide to stop suffering?
What if I start to enjoy treats once in a while?
What if I learn to live a life without Ed?
What if I use control as a way to eat better instead of worse?
What if I stop worrying about my weight?
What if I start to take care of myself?
What if I get healthy?
What if I start to care about myself?
What if I start asking for help when I need it?
What if I let people actually help me?
What if I let others actually care about me?
What if I learn to be happy?

© September 2011 © MGD


There has been a big perspective shift since I wrote this poem.  Many of the same "what ifs" are still running through my brain, and while I now know that some of the "what ifs" stemmed from anger and frustration I was feeling at the time, many of them have been powerful topics to address. (Or, more likely, to avoid addressing at times!)  Truthfully, I am still struggling on a daily basis. But I have started to allow myself to lean on those that are supporting me. And that is making all the difference. 

*This statistic comes from the NEDA website, and is based on research pre-2000's.  I am hoping that there are more updated statistics on their way.

Week 4: Aspirations

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. 

I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, 

believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." -- Louisa May Alcott

One day

"Shoot for the moon.  Even if you miss,
you'll land among the stars." -- Brian Littrell

I would like to live in a world
where teaching is a
respected profession,
embraced as an
ever-evolving art form,
and teachers are seen
as upstanding contributors to society.

One day
I would like to meet
the father of my future children,
fall madly in love with him,
flaws included,
and build a strong and stable foundation
to spend the rest of our lives enjoying.

One day
I would like to publish a book...
or two...
and be somewhere in the top half
of the best seller list.

"We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet
we forget that he is someone today." -- Stacia Tauscher

One day
I would like to open a school
that teaches the entire child, 
nurturing their mind,
body,
and spirit,
while preserving
the precious gift of childhood,
that passes too quickly.

One day
I would like to own an incredible camera,
so that I can capture the moments
that
all
too
quickly
fly by

"There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain
of improving, and that's your own self." -- Aldous Huxley

in life.

One day
I would like to love myself...
to find true happiness
and inner-peace....
to be confident
and self-aware....
to be healthy
and pain free....
to be happy
and love life...

One day...

© November 2011 MGD

Week 1: What Is Beauty?

Beauty.... I'm not sure I have my own definition, yet, so I dug up a few quotes to help me explore the topic...

Winter Sky January 2011

A woman whose smile is open and whose expression is glad has a kind of beauty no matter what she wears.  
-- Anne Roiphe

Morning Dew July 2009

Beauty is worse than wine, it intoxicates both the holder and beholder.  
-- Aldous Huxley

SnowDrops December 2010

Because beauty isn't enough, there must be something more.  
-- Eva Herzigova

Trumpet July 2009

Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it. 
-- Confucius

Sunset July 2011

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart. 
-- Kahlil Gibran

Inner Beauty July 2009

Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical. 
--Sophia Loren

And one of my personal favorites...

Sunrise October 2011

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within. 
--Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Pink in the Pool August 2009

I struggle with finding beauty in myself, but can easily find beauty in those and the world around me.

New Year's Day Sunset January 2011

New Years Sunshine January 2011

If they say

that what we recognize in others

is something

we have in ourselves, 

maybe 

there is still hope 

for me to find 

beauty within, 

since it is so easy 

to find it elsewhere...

© October 2011 MGD