Homework

I rarely get homework from my therapist.  I sometimes wish she'd give me homework more often.  At least until I actually get homework.  You know how that goes - you wish for something, then when you get it, you regret wishing for it in the first place?  Yep.  I'm there.

We've been dancing around the topic of self-image.  Mine is sucks.  Like, seriously sucks.  I have such a twisted perception of myself - both in how I look and in who I am.  I see nothing but flaws and failures.

Well, supposedly I am the only person that sees me this way.  My therapist *promised* me that no one else sees me the way I see me.  She also made a point of reminding me that she's never lied to me in the past.  She's always honest.  She is right about that.

Which means that I have two choices:
I can trust her, taking her word that no one else sees me the way I do. 
or
I can actually ask others what they see in me.

Because I rarely follow the rules, I chose both.

I DO trust my therapist, more than anyone else on this planet.  And she has never lied to me.  Ever.  Everything she tells me is honest, sometimes brutally honest, but always spoken with care.  Yet, I need a little help in trying to see me from the kinder eye of others.

So I've selected a select few, whom I trust more than most (which says a lot, since I trust few!) to ask the question "what do you see when you see me?"  My request was specific, I only want facts (thank you DBT!) as it is more helpful to work with facts than opinions (also known sometimes as judgements in the DBT world.)

Now....... I wait...... and hold on to the fact that I trust my therapist..... I trust my therapist..... I trust my therapist......

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 7

7. What type of treatment are you getting right now? Talk about your current treatment team - are they helpful, do you trust them? Are you honest with them?

I am currently working with an Ah-May-Zing team that have been with me from the start.  When things were first starting, and really bad (so for the first year of treatment) I was seeing my primary care doctor once a month, my dietitian once a week, and my therapist three times a week.

As I have grown, my treatment has adjusted as needed.  I have always felt supported, and just because I am seeing my team less frequently, didn't change the support and care I receive.  Currently, I see my primary care doctor every other month, my dietitian every other week, and my therapist twice a week.

I trust my team completely.  I have never trusted anyone the way I trust them.  My therapist knows more about me than anyone, she knows things that I never anticipated sharing.  Ever.

I am honest with them.  I actually used to joke that I will screw up and make dumb choices, but I will always come clean about what I've done.  These days, I'm screwing up less, and making slightly fewer dumb choices, and even better, sometimes I can confess to what I want to do before I do it, saving the pain of the lesson.

I love them all.  Even when I don't love what they tell me.

I'm Fine.

I read an article yesterday by one of my favorite bloggers, Natasha Tracy.  The title of the post is What does "I'm Fine" Mean if you're Depressed? (You can read the whole article here.)

She so eloquently articulated what "fine" can mean for one who suffers from depression.  For the first time, I actually found an explanation that makes sense to me.  We live in a world where people ask "how are you?" and walk away before you can answer.  Do those people really want to know how you are doing?  Nope.  They expect the standard "fine, and you?" response, or something similar.

Well my friends, depression is different.  There is rarely a "fine" time for me.  It doesn't matter if I've been given good news, a compliment (which we know how well I take!) or a little gift.  I'll always be able to fake it and look/act "fine" but inside?  I'm anything but.

It's rather frustrating trying to explain what depression feels like to those who don't suffer from this maddening issue. The way Ms. Tracy explains it, she had to redefine what "fine" actually meant to her, in order to be able to use it appropriately.  For me, I rely on a great little acronym.... When I say I'm fine, this is what runs through my head ----->

Yeah.  I know.  It's pretty defeating, demeaning, and downright sad.  But at least I can answer honestly when someone asks how I'm doing....

Truth

Choice or Challenge?

The past two and a half days, I have been with out power.  Without power means no fans or AC on 100+ degree days.  (Yes, multiple days.)  Just so happens that I had stocked my fridge and freezer on Tuesday, with good choices to help me meet my daily goal.... only to have the power go out on Wednesday at four am.  Because of my food allergies, stocking my fridge costs a lot more than you'd think. 

And today, I had to throw 90% of it away.  Which really frustrated me.  For as much as I don't like food, I hate wasting it even more.

The way I see it, there are two perspectives I could take on the experience: 

I could look at it as a challenge - the chance to see how strong I am in my recovery and how well I can roll with this unexpected and very unwelcome challenge.  I could show my team how much progress I've made.

I could look at it as a choice - I am faced with a decision, do I choose to use this as an excuse to slip backward?  Or do I choose to use this as a chance to see how strong I've become?

I would really love it if I could wholeheartedly jump up and down, yelling gleefully "I did it!  I made it!  I successfully passed this challenge!"

Except that would be dishonest.

I can't completely berate myself either- I wasn't a 100% failure.  I didn't completely give in to my old habits.  I didn't let this become a full-on race backward down the path of regression.

Instead, this was a learning experience.  I learned how reliant I am on technology.  And while I didn't make my daily goals like I am supposed to, I didn't completely throw the days away, either.  I landed somewhere in the ballpark (albeit way in the outfield) of where I should be on an average-low day.

I learned that I am not strong enough to be unsupported through this type of challenging situation.  I learned that I am strong enough to not completely give in to old urges.  I learned that I've made some progress, but I still have a ways to go.

And somehow, through it all?  I managed not to melt!

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: HONESTY

June Blog Challenge Day 7: HONESTY

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
Can't.
Won't.
It's way too easy
to read me
like a book.

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
I don't think so.
It wouldn't be right.
Won't help at all
or make anything
better.

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
Hope not.
Shouldn't.
It'd hurt.
It'd be pretty
stupid.

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
I did.
To a fairly
important
person.
To me.

Would I lie?
Could I lie?
Didn't want to.
He made me.
They said
it would only
hurt me.

They were right.

© June 2012 © MGD

Prompt: Tell a story, sort your thoughts, do what feels right when you think of this word. Talk about honesty in regards to yourself or to a person from your past or present. Maybe a  quote seems more fitting today. Be honest with it. ;)