Unicorns in 2016

Available on Shirt Woot

This year is gonna be all about unicorns, right?

At Any Cost

I've been *trying* to live a healthier life for 68 days.  I know that because I've numbered every day in my food log since starting this new commitment to myself. 
Since making this commitment....

• I've eaten more produce in the past 68 days than in the past 68 months.
• I've prepared more meals at home than ever before.
• I've eaten less processed foods.  (My dietitian may be rolling her eyes at this, but it is true!)
• I've run the dishwasher with more than just bowls and spoons.
• I've run the dishwasher more frequently.
• I've cut out some favorite foods because they make my body hurt.
• I've cheated on the foods that I'm supposed to avoid.
• I've paid the price for cheating, higher prices than ever before.
• I've begun to listen to my body.  
• I've begun treating my body with a little less hostility.

I've tried.
Oh, how I've tried.

I'm not where I wish to be.  Yet.  But I keep trying.
One day at a time, I will uncover the life that belongs to me,
that was lost amid the chaos of growing up, of an eating disorder,
of shattered self-esteem, and of fear-driven living.
And I will try to live my own life.
A healthy and peaceful one, at that.

Unwavering Commitment

My dietitian has been using this phrase over the past few weeks, and when I finally sat down to google it yesterday, nothing.  So I decided that when I met with her today, I'd try my hardest not to sidetrack the conversation, and actually learn about this concept of unwavering commitment.

I'll be honest.  It was what I hoped it wouldn't be.

unwavering commitment -  verb; to persist in meeting a goal or completing a task no matter what obstacles may arise in the process --
ex. Julie had an unwavering commitment to her health, and always fit in her workouts each and every week, no matter how hectic her schedule.

I could make a joke here, and ask where I can get a bottle of this unwavering commitment she speaks of, but yeah.  This isn't anything to joke about.  This is, finally, something that deserves my attention.

What is this going to look like for me?
1.  Put myself first.  How?  Get enough protein.  Get enough veggies, fiber, water.  Every.  Single.  Day.
2.  Acknowledge my anxiety, but don't allow it to dictate my food choices anymore.  Even if I feel like I can't eat whatever it is I know I "should" eat, even if my anxiety is screaming at me to stop eating that "thing", whatever it may be, I must push through anyway.  What's the worst that will happen?  I get sick?  That isn't the end of the world.
3.  Respect myself.  Scary as $%&#, but if I don't speak up for myself, tell people that the way they're treating me isn't ok, then who will?  No one.  That's who.

There's more.  There's lots more.  But this is a start for me.  I'm hoping to reach the place where when I crawl into bed, I can say "I am proud of my commitment to me today."  It is gonna take a while, but I will get there.  If she thinks I can, then I will.

(Hopefully my dietitian will blog about unwavering commitment.  I'll link it if she does!)

Week 17: Goals

I have such mixed feelings about goals.  On the one hand, they're awesome!  I love being able to set a goal and make a list of steps to help accomplish it.  Crossing off each item on the list gives such a satisfying feeling, making reaching the goal all the more gratifying!

On the other hand...... sometimes my life is too chaotic for goals.  Lists overwhelm me.  I set goals and watch them fly by with little to no dent made in achieving them.  Sometimes my goals feel ridiculous, like getting out of bed, or getting into the shower. 

When you're dealing with an eating disorder, or depression, or anxiety, or any other invisible challenges, goals can feel impossibly painful, adding to the suffering.  Thankfully, they can also feel incredibly uplifting, bringing brightness through the clouds.

Right now, I'm working on eating.  Again.  Still.  Whatever.  I have been struggling a lot with getting in the appropriate types of foods, and getting enough of them at that.  It's not fun.  I feel like I've taken ten steps back in my recovery, even though my team would disagree.  I'm living the "one day at a time" mindset, or at least I'm trying to, in all areas of my life.

Sorry fellow readers, I'm kinda feeling stuck right now.  If I wrote this post in a month, it might be totally different.  In fact, I just might do that!

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder?

I know that I've felt my absence on the blog.... I've not even read any blogs over the past three weeks, life has been that hectic!  And if you really want to know the truth, I haven't been in the mood to write much at all lately.  Maybe it's cause I had to do so much writing for the end of the school year.  And cause I have so many thank you notes to write in the next few days.
I'm dreading writing.  A lot.

The expression "absence makes the heart grow fonder" applies in two different ways here.  First, I'm hoping that means you've missed the blog!  Second, I was hoping since I've missed writing, it would make me want to write more!  You know, the break from writing makes me miss it and want to write even more....

Yeah.  Nope.

I'm going to set myself a summer goal to post three times a week, with one of those posts being Thankful Thursdays.  As it is summer, I know that it's supposed to be a time of fun in the sun, so I'm gonna try not to beat myself up too badly if I don't meet that goal, yet, at the same time, I'm hoping sharing the goal with you will make me more likely to meet it!

Aside from the end of the school chaos.... I do want to say, this was the best school year ever.  Ever.  Seriously.  Finally realized that what I've been told for ages is actually true: to best serve others, you must take care of yourself, first.

More on that later.

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 17

17. What do you want your life to look like when you’re recovered? What are some life goals you have that you think you could only accomplish if you recover?

Wow.  This one has me stumped.  I don't know what my life will look like when I recover from this eating disorder.  Thus far the ed has complicated things, but at the same time it was covering other things, keeping them in check for me.  Once the ed is gone....

I imagine that it will be a lot easier to eat.  Though I am making my goal nearly every day, every bite is still an effort, requiring way too much thinking.  I hope that it will lead to being slightly more adventurous in food so that I can expand my safe foods list.  Ideally, once I'm recovered I will no longer care about the number on the scale.  It will no longer hold any power over me.  Nor will the number on the tag.

There is only one goal that I think the ed is keeping me from achieving.  The goal of liking myself.  Accepting myself.  Treating myself kindly.  Once Ed is gone, I'm hoping that his cronies depression and anxiety will finally relent and leave me to be truly comfortable with who I am.

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 1

1.  Where are you in your recovery right now? What are some goals you are working on to help you to move forward in your recovery?

I am pushing away from a recent relapse. It's been nearly six months of stability and consistency. My weight (a number which I still avoid, and do not know) has been stable and my intake has been relatively stable as well. I took a nose dive in the intake department a few weeks ago, as my life caught up with me. Stress from changes at work, combined with the winter doldrums and some unwelcome flashbacks nearly led me back into EDs arms.

Thankfully, my amazing team kept me from going too far down the dangerous path. The near-relapse lasted about a week, though the effects of the behavior returning has taken much longer to recover from. My body, after being starved and deprived for so long, is quite smart, and it knows when my intake goes down that it needs to hold on to whatever it can, and keep me as sedentary as possible. So it's taking one step at a time, one meal at a time, and I'm back on the path to recovered.

My biggest goal is to learn how to eat healthy and balanced meals. Currently I tend to lean heavily toward grains, and shy away from proteins. With my allergies, it is not an easy task, but my dietitian has been really helpful in showing me how to build balanced meals. I'm slowly, slowly getting there.

Additionally, I'm working very hard with my therapist to stop the self-hate. Talk about a daunting task! It is torture being in my head, and with her help, hopefully the self-hate will get shipped elsewhere.

Week 41: Dream Job

That's an easy one!

If I could do any job, I'd be a technology teacher in an elementary school.  Let me be more specific- I would be a technology teacher in an elementary school that has up-to-date and fully functioning technology!

I've thought about a variety of different educational endeavors that I could tackle over the years, but all of them take me out of the classroom, which is my favorite part of teaching.  For the last few years I've become the go-to person for tech trouble in my building.  I'm also a creative brainstormer when it comes to ways to integrate technology into projects and learning instead of making it an add on.

I don't know...... there's something pretty spectacular about putting a digital native (read: child of today) in front of a computer and supporting them along the creative and innovative learning experience of today....

So there you have it, my dream job.  If anyone happens to have an extra salary laying around, and would be willing to donate it to my school, I'd happily accept it, cause right now, a tech teacher is not in the budget!

Challenge 9, Part 1: Wholeness

Sometimes, I believe that in order to truly be a whole person, you are required to fall to bits first.  That's what gives you the chance to discover all your shadows and corners of, so you can clean out the things that aren't serving you, and put yourself back together so you're an even better, more complete, version of you.

For me, that falling apart bit has been somewhat easy, and all to common.  This time, though, I've got a great team helping me put the pieces back together. Wouldn't be able to do it without them!

Challenge 7, Part 2: Beauty

I love this quote, because it so succinctly speaks the truth: we've as a society have given so much power to the media, that we're not comfortable with what we see in the mirror unless it's what the media portrays.  At least, I know I'm not.  I loathe the skin I'm in for all of the pain it's caused me.  I'm working on improving my self image, and one day hope I can use the word beautiful when referring to myself.

It's one thing to have outer beauty, but to have that inner beauty is where I think the true comfort comes from.  I know that we all look around and judge others on their appearances, but we don't know their story, we don't know what they've been through, and they might be just as self conscious as we are, they might not like the person under the make up and clothing, either.  Inner beauty?  Comfortable in your own skin?  Definitely still my goal.

Challenge 4, Part 5 - 7: Belief, Acceptance, Love

Self Belief.  Self Acceptance.  Self Love.

Mushing them all together for one final post for this week's topic.

I think they are actually rather well connected.  In order to have self love, you need to have self acceptance.  In order to have self acceptance, you need to have self belief.  Links in the chain of Self.  All the topics this week weave together a rather complex chain in which we build our lives upon - some more successfully than others, but all seven concepts are within each of us.  Sometimes they are buried rather deep, below layers of other self stuff (hatred, loathing, pity, etc) but they are still there.  It's our job to uncover them.  Yes, it can take a village, as no one should have to endure the process alone.  But I've been told it's a worth while journey to take, no matter how bumpy the road.

I'm taking baby steps, every few weeks, just a tiny bit closer to self love.  Along the way, of course, belief and acceptance hitch a ride, making the journey rocky and long.  But I'm finally starting to think that I might be worth it.  It's not been easy, accepting all that I've dealt with, knowing I can do nothing to change the past and make things better.  I can only accept what has happened, and believe that I am worth more than repeating the same patterns.  I have to find the belief somewhere, buried way deep inside, that I am worthy of love.  Cause no one deserves a life without love.  Not even me.

Challenge 4, Part 4: Self Respect

Please respect me as an introvert.  I'm trying to respect me as an introvert, too.

"The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others on how you 

demand to be treated.  Don't settle for anything other than respect."

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no 

longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

"Cutting people out of my life does not mean 

I hate them, it simply means I respect me."

I wish I could give credit to whoever spoke the words above.  

My therapist has helped me see how powerful self respect is, and how hard it can be to uphold.  I have a very hard time being around my parents, as I am often the wrongful target of their anger and frustration. Now when the attacks begin, I leave.  When they confront me for leaving later, I can now tell them, just because I left doesn't mean I don't love you. In my head, the second part of that sentence is I am just learning to love myself more.  Like I said - a year and a half later, and 9 out of 10 times, I can remove myself from the situation that is not healthy or respectful.  Yes it's hard.  Yes I often call my therapist in tears as soon as I leave.  But it's a step in the direction of self respect.  And that's the place in which I'd like to live.

Challenge 4, Part 1: Self Esteem

self-es teem [self-i-steem, self-] noun

a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

Self Esteem is a very tricky little bugger.  Self esteem is how you hold yourself.  It has little to do with others, it is your perception of your self.

And I have none.

I fake it pretty well, though, as unless you spend a lot of time with me, you likely couldn't tell.  Or at least that's what I've been told.  Sure doesn't feel like I can fake it that well though.  In my eyes, I reek of insecurity and self-loathing.  I feel somewhat like a fraud, as others are always shocked to find out the truth.  The very few that I have let in, that is.

BUT.

It's almost as if it's an effect of recovery.  To overcome this, it's as if gaining some self esteem is a side-effect.  And that is really good news for someone like me.  It means I have a chance to take a new perspective.  I have a chance to see myself through new eyes.  I have a chance to see in me what others seem to see, which is a pretty cool person (it makes me ill to write that) that has a lot to offer the world.

I can say that without self esteem, life is not terribly happy.  It doesn't take much to rob someone of self esteem, and it's worth the effort it takes to build it.

Challenge 1, Part 3: Creativity

I learned a lot about this week's topic by reading everyone's posts.  That is probably one of the best gifts of a blogging community - we learn from each others words, experiences, and stories.  Still have a lot to learn over here, but this challenge sure gave me a good start on the topics of self-care and self-soothing!

Struggling to learn

Enough about how to

Live a life

Full of love and

Compassion for my self

Along with

Realizing that

Even I am worth it.

Self-Care

complicated, effort-full

discouraging, challenging, empowering

a worthwhile skill to acquire

Self-Soothing 

© MGD July 2012

A really great list of ideas to take care of the self: 70 ways for Self Care

Week 17: Goals

Goals.  Ugh.  So not something like to think about for myself.  I always have goals for my students, and they usually reach them, too.  I guess it's a little easier to think about goals in chunks:

1.  Immediate goals - accomplished in the next two-three weeks
2.  Short term goals - accomplished in the next two-three months
3.  Long term goals - accomplished in the next 12-18 months
4.  Life time goals - accomplished sometime in this lifetime
5.  Ongoing goals - working on creating new habits one day at a time

With that in mind, I will attempt to proceed with this post.

1.  Immediate goals - get my house cleaned up, get orders for school completed and submitted, get a new vacuum cleaner, survive the next ten days without my team

2.  Short term goals - paint my kitchen cabinets, get my windshield replaced, complete my summer project for school, reduce therapy to twice a week, reduce nutritionist visits to every other week

3.  Long term goals - reduce nutritionist visits to monthly check ins, get my anxiety in check, learn to meal plan, learn to be kinder to myself

4.  Life time goals - get to the root cause of my anxiety, reduce therapy to once a week, become comfortable in my own skin, start a family

5.  Ongoing goals - stay better hydrated, maintain a healthy weight, build healthy eating habits, strive to always do my best at work, and in life...

That should keep me busy for a while, dontcha think?

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: END

June Blog Challenge Day 17: END

I am not a fan of most endings.  They are usually rather sad and emotional for me, and lately, it's hard to keep my emotions in check.

Take the end of the school year, for example.  I always, always cry.  Never fails.  Even the year I was moving up with my students, I still cried on the last day of school.  Even the year I couldn't wait for the school year to end, I still cried.

I think back to the end of undergrad.  I was so in denial that it was over, I almost dropped out, and I didn't attend graduation ceremonies.  I just couldn't face the end of what I considered my youth.  High school graduation was even worse - I was a blubbering mess of tears much of the day.  I even went back to school after graduation, and attended my favorite classes till the last day of school, even though I didn't have to.  Talk about holding on to the past.....

I equate endings with sadness.  All endings but one. 

I look forward to the day when I end my relationship with the self-destructive behaviors and intrusive, unhelpful, thoughts filled with self-hatred.  I look forward to the day where I end the internal attack on my self.  I look forward to the day when I am no longer my own worst enemy.  I look forward to the day I leave behind the self-inflicted misery of my inner-life, and step into the endless possibilities that await in the outside world.  It will happen.  I know it will.


Prompt: Can you remember the end of an era in your life that was important to you? Was the end sad? Liberating? What is it like to end your disorder? What is it like to realize that for every end there is a new beginning?

Goal

Goal:  Be comfortable in my own skin.