So Proud

This week I had the privilege of participating in a two day conference for school.  My first year I was just a spectator.  My second year I presented.  This year, my third, I presented again, and brought students with me for a different showcase each day.

As I stood back and watched my 8-10 year-olds present their learning to hundreds of complete strangers, I couldn't help but tear up.  I was (and am!) SO proud of them.  I stood back with their parents and watched my students explain and share things that kids twice their age don't yet know how to do.  And when we packed up each day, I told each student how proud I was of them.  I was proud of how well they spoke, how they were-risk takers, how they remained focused on the task, the list could go on.  A total of 10 students came, five each day, and each and every one of them made me proud.  The last thing I told them?  That not only was I proud of them, but that they should be proud of themselves, too.

Kinda funny, the way things work.

This week, with the chaos of the conference, and the chaos with my head and my belly, following my meal plan was not easy.  I got less than 6 hours of sleep each night as my schedule had me on the go for what felt like 48 hours straight.  I was away from home, which limited my food choices.  It was not easy.  Yes, I was enjoying the energy of the conference, but I felt completely depleted by the time I got home.

Last night, I sent my usual wrap up email to my dietitian, and outlined the chaos of the day, sharing how freaking exhausted I was, and how amazing my students did.  Her reply?

"So proud of you!"

I am always telling different students I'm proud of them.  They all are working at accomplishing different tasks, and when they reach one?  I'm beaming with pride.

Yet.  When someone says they're proud of me?  It's totally foreign.

When I was growing up, and to be honest, to this day, when my parents said they were proud of me, it always came with a big, annoying, "but."  That "but" over-rode whatever the point of pride was.  Didn't matter how good it was, there was always that "but" that meant it wasn't good enough.

So when my dietitian said she was proud of me?  I cried a little.
And when a colleague who was at the conference with me today said that she was proud of me?  I cried a little more. 

I'm not used to people telling me they're proud of me. 
It happens once in a blue moon.
It's really hard to hear.
And hearing it twice in 24 hours was too much for me.

I mean, I would hope that as an adult, I wouldn't need to hear "I'm proud of you," from others.  I would hope that I could just be proud of myself, regardless of what others say or think.  That's why I tell my kids they should be proud of themselves, so hopefully, they'll start internalizing that, and not rely on others to develop their self worth.

If only I could follow my own example.

For now...... I've saved the email my dietitian sent.  I've read it a dozen times today.  I'm sure I'll read it a dozen times tomorrow, and frequently in the days that follow.  It may only be four words long, but......

Challenge 12, Part 1: EMBRACE

I love this quote.  I found it somewhere, likely on pinterest, and it fits beautifully into this week's topic.  So often I shy away from myself, and even more so, from what could be considered "beautiful" about me.  I kind of like being different, but in the past, I've always seen it as a negative thing.  Like, I'm the one who is always sick.  I'm the one who is always having an allergic reaction to the smallest things.  I'm the one who brakes out in hives at the thought of eating specific foods.  I'm the one who likes a quiet night in, instead of a busy night out.  I'm different.  I just never thought that my differences could be worth embracing..... my "you"ness would be worth value to this world.....

It's nice to start thinking about the possibilities out there.... that maybe one day my differences won't make me feel bad about myself, instead, they'll be something I embrace as me and who I am.  And eventually, I might even find a way to be proud of those differences.... baby steps.... baby steps....

Week 33: Prized Possession

Wow.  Most prized possession.  Does my house count?  Cause I am pretty proud of the fact that I, basically on my own, found a place to live, bought it (or am paying the mortgage) and have been fiscally responsible since moving out on my own.  It's quite a feat for me, actually.

But I'm not sure that a house counts as a possession.... So I guess.... well... I guess I'd say that I really value the pictures I have from when we had family gatherings when I was little.  Those are pretty special.  Back when I didn't realize how abnormal my life really was.

But that's a collection of things, so maybe that doesn't count either.... Alright.  I have it.  My most prized possession.

My teaching certificate.

It was a looonnnnggggg and rocky road getting through high school graduation and into college, and an even looonnnngggggeeeerrrr road getting through college.  When I got the phone call telling me I had gotten the job, my dream job in my dream building, in my dream grade?  All that was worth it.  The long journey to earn that teaching certificate has made me the teacher I am today.  Without that certificate, I would not be allowed to teach, to do what I love to do, and to work with the amazing kids and families that I do.  That certificate makes it all possible.  And I earned it. (And yes, 11 years after first earning that certificate, I still love my job and can't imagine doing anything else!)

Week 25: Something I'm Proud Of

Let's take a quick peek back at the accomplishments I wrote about way back in December for week 10.  Did you click the link?  Read up?  Good.

I can say that I am still proud of the accomplishments I wrote about nearly seven months ago.  They all stand true today.  Especially teaching, I am so proud of all my students, and the way we impact each other.  I am proud to say that I still love my job, despite the challenges over the years.

I am proud that I have chosen to continue to walk the path in front of me.  It's not been an easy journey and there are many, many times where I wanted to give up.  But I didn't.  I won't give up.  I am proud of my decision to join my team in the fight against my challenges.  I'm proud of the fact that I still show up for therapy and dig into things I don't want to acknowledge, much less look at and talk about.  I'm proud of the fact that I've learned to better take care of myself during family situations that get out of hand.  Instead of toughing it out and letting my family walk all over me, I will now do what I need to do to take care of me, even though it feels impossibly hard.

I'm proud of this blog.  I never thought that I'd become a blogger.  Sure, I've always loved to write, but I've shared my writing with maybe 5-6 people, three of whom were my former teachers.  Otherwise, my writing has always been private.  I never thought it good enough to share.

Hmmmm.... pride.... this is a pretty decent list of things to be proud of... if only I can transfer them into sources of confidence.... guess I'll just have to wait and see!