24 hours to go - Update: I made it!

In 24 hours I'll be heading out to see my dietitian for the first time in FOUR months.  FOUR months is a long time.  I'm still not sure how missing someone like this is a good thing, but my therapist still says this was a good thing for me to experience.

I am still kinda sorta anxious about tomorrow... My brain had a full on anxiety party yesterday afternoon and logic wasn't invited.  Anxiety completely overtook my thought process and filled my head with worrisome wonderings.  All sorts of worries were cycling through my head for what felt like an eternity.  But you know what?  Like my therapist says,  the anticipation is always worse than the actual event, right?

Tom Petty really knew what he was talking about...

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part...

(For all my anxiety and nerves... I still can't wait to see her!)

Clarifying Point: I never really missed anyone before, even when I was a kid.  I wasn't that attached to anyone, really, so even when my parents went out of town, it wasn't all that big of a deal.  It wasn't until recently that I learned what it feels like to connect with someone to the point where you miss them... to understand what it feels like to be attached to someone.  Not the greatest feeling at the moment, but I've been told it gets easier, and less painful as one gets used to the feeling.

Update: Well, I made it.  I survived four months.  117 days, to be exact.  It was SO nice to see my dietitian again, I really missed her, really, really missed her. I think I'm still kind of in disbelief that she's back, not sure if it will feel "real" for another week or two.  But I'm ok with that.  I'm just glad I made it, I'm glad that I was well taken care of by my therapist and my dietitian's stand in, and I'm so so so SO very glad that *my* dietitian is back!

One. More. Week.

One week.  Just one more week until my dietitian is back.  Six days, actually.  I.  Can't.  Wait.  I am still a little nervous, and that feels kind of strange.  I mean, I've been looking forward to this for four months.  111 days.  And now there's only six days left to wait.  Six days.  What was such a painful farewell, and a tear-filled few weeks afterward... I survived.  I've just about made it.
Funny thing... I wanted to not like her fill-in, who is now going to stay on as part of my dietitian's staff.  I actually wanted to just stop seeing a dietitian all together while mine was on leave.  Turns out that my temporary one was pretty cool.  I actually ended up enjoying working with her.  She's not *my* dietitian, (no one can fill her shoes) but she did a really nice job dealing with me, and more than that... I know that she cares, not only about doing a good job, but she cares in general. And what started out dreadful and draining (at least from my perspective) ended up to be a positive, growth-filled, learning experience that I actually didn't mind.

It's kind of nice that she is sticking around and will be a part of the staff, too.  It means that next time my dietitian goes on vacation or is out of the office, she will be able to fill in.  And this time, I won't be as anxious, miserable, and apprehensive cause I already know her, and I already like her!

I still can't wait till next Monday, though.... six days.  Approximately 155 hours... Boy have I missed her.  And yes, I will likely be incredibly emotional, at least for the first few minutes.  I mean, it'll have been 117 days between... well, I just hope it stays in my head!

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, 

and for everything you gain, you lose something else.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Two Weeks

My nutritionist, who has been on maternity leave for three months and three weeks, will be back in TWO weeks.  In exactly two weeks, I'll be getting ready to head out to my appointment to see her.  In exactly two weeks.... I can't believe I've nearly made it through her leave!

I'm SO excited....  I've never been in a position where I missed someone like this before.  Ironically, I'm actually kinda nervous, too...

But I still can't wait.  Two more weeks!

Three down, one to go

I have made it three months.  The first two months d-r-a-g-g-e-d by, the last month, while slow, wasn't as torturous.  That's likely cause I was rather preoccupied with recovering from surgery.  Doesn't mean I didn't think about her every single day.  One month from today, she'll be back.  Three months ago, I was shocked I survived the first month.  One month from now, I'll be able to say I survived four whole months without someone pretty important in my life right now.  

Like that Kelly Clarkson song...

There were lots (I mean lots) of ups and downs.  There were a few scary moments, where all I wanted was to be wrapped up the safety of a hug, but I survived.  It was really hard for me to admit how much it hurts to miss someone special, but strangely, there was a sense of relief once I did.  I still am not comfortable with this attachment, with this idea of missing someone that much.  But I'm dealing.

My therapist would say that because of all the challenges over the past three months, because of those ups and downs, and because of the emotional pain involved in missing someone... she would say that surviving this ordeal has made me stronger. 

I think she's right... kind of.  I don't know that I'm any stronger, but I do agree that I've changed, that I've grown as a result of this experience.  I've been more in touch (reluctantly) with my emotions than ever before.  I've felt very supported and cared for, despite this absence, my therapist has made sure of that.  I don't know where I would be without her.  My whole team is incredible, but my therapist?  One of a kind.  I've learned what it's like to feel some key emotions I've repressed for my whole life.  No, I don't enjoy that whole feel-the-anger-feel-the-sadness part, and I'm not terribly good at it, but I've experienced both over the past three months, and as promised, neither killed me.

Life has a funny way of teaching lessons.  All I know right now, is one month... I just hope it doesn't go as slowly as that first month did!

Perspective

I had a major attitude adjustment last week.  It was very much needed.

In a short, 15 minute conversation, I was relieved of months of anxiety involving a specific situation that had taken over a large chunk of real estate in my brain.  After month 5 of that same situation coming up over and over, it seemed to have purchased the property.

Amazingly, things quickly shifted when the *right* words registered in my brain.  A new landlord came and kicked out the previous owner, and finally, finally left a little room for calm space to reside.  It really was a 15 minute conversation (one that has happened no less than a dozen times over the past 5 months,) so it wasn't anything I hadn't already heard, but this time, I listened differently.  I heard the same words, but they didn't land in the same place.

When it comes to me, I tend to see things from a very narrow perspective, one that gets even narrower when it comes to my thoughts.  Ironically, I'm incredibly good at helping my students see multiple sides to any situation or story.  I just can't see it myself, at least not without help.

I'm good at taking the blame for anything and everything that goes wrong.  I mean, it has to be my fault, it has been my whole life, so why would now be any different?  In many cases (ok, 97% of them,) I still take the blame, but now, in this situation?  I don't.  And while this is a situation likely to arise again and again, next time it happens, it won't be renting space in my brain for long.

Oh, and while I'm great at taking the blame for anything and everything?  When it comes to taking credit for the good stuff?  Yeah.  I can't do that.  But that's a whole different post!

Just Do It.

There are so many things in life that I think kinda suck.  Ok, really suck.  I don't enjoy these things, I don't look forward to these things, and I avoid them at all costs.

But sometimes...

You just gotta do it.

Or at least that's what I've been told.  And that's what I'm trying to do.

For example... Tomorrow, I'm having surgery.  I have to do some stuff to prepare for the surgery that I really don't want to do.  At All.  Like, kicking-and-screaming-pounding-fists-on-the-floor temper tantrum.

But I've just gotta do it.  I don't have a choice.

It seems that there are a lot of things in life that I have to do, whether I like them or not.  Some are more digestible than others, but in any case, I've just got to move forward and get things done.

So that's what I'm doing.  I'm putting on my grown-up underoos and just getting things done.

(and it's actually kind of terrifying, but I'm doing it anyway!)

I'm hopeful that the more I push through and get these kinds of things done, the less scary, anxiety inducing, and challenging they will be.  Will I ever love going to the dentist for my cleanings?  Probably not.  But I can now at least go get my cleanings done without needing massive doses of Xanax first.

Practice... right?

61 days left...

Coping Mechanisms

How do you react under stress?  How do you respond to stressful situations?  How do you handle things that are out of your control, yet impact you rather a lot?  How do you catch life's curve balls in a healthy manner?

I ask... cause I don't.

My biggest coping mechanism is probably one of the most unhealthy ways to cope.  Period.

Right now, I'm in a myriad of stressful situations.  Between school, health, work, and life in general, there are at least 3 major stressors in every area right now.  As in, this very moment.

And I want to go back.  I want to go back to the coping mechanism that has been helpful for so many years, and at the same time, has been so hurtful and unhealthy, I know I shouldn't go there.

Right now, I'm trying to invest myself in a project for school that I have no energy to do.  I want to do it, I know I could, but since I don't have the energy to do it to my standards, I don't want to do it at all.  Right now, I'm trying to organize some support, unsuccessfully, I might add, to help me through a big medical procedure I'm having in just over a week.  Right now, I'm trying to put together lesson plans for four weeks.  Yep, four.  This week, the two weeks I'll be out of school, and the week I return.  Right now, I'm wishing I knew how to better communicate with those I care about cause it's going to be really hard to pull through without them.

The sadness of the reality in my head is suffocating me right now.  It's clouded my vision and strained my breathing so that I can't see clearly what really is.  The reality in my head isn't some place that I like to spend time.

But until I learn some healthier coping mechanisms, it's where I tend to retreat, cause at least it isn't as bad as what I used to do, what I want to do... run back to the place of familiarity, where I am comfortable listening to the grumblings... in fact, they're music to my ears.

47 days down, 71 days to go.

One down, three to go

It's been exactly one month since I tearfully said good-bye to a very important person in my life.  In just under three months I'll get to welcome this person back, and yes, it will probably be rather tearful too.

I feel like the month has crawled by.  A part of me really wants the rest of the time to go quickly, but even that is bittersweet, because around the same time this person comes back, I will say farewell to my class, send my students on to the next grade, and head into summer, anxiously awaiting what lies ahead in the coming fall.

Time is such a funny thing.  It reminds me of the riddle, "What weighs more, a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?"  (In case you forgot, a pound weighs the same, no matter what you're weighing.)  It's been unseasonably warm here, though yesterday, it was unseasonably cold.  It's amazing, though, what time does.  If you think about it, 38 degrees Fahrenheit feels a lot colder in October than it does in April.  38 degrees is 38 degrees.  But time makes it feel different, at least to me.

In the fall, we've just come off of summer, and 38 degrees feels rather cold.  In the spring, we've just come off of winter, and 38 degrees feels nice and warm.

Does this mean that the time that is passing right now, is passing extra slowly because I miss this person way more than I care to admit?  Or does it mean time is passing quickly, because I'm already not looking forward to saying good-bye to my students at the end of the school year?

Time.  A funny thing it is.  Mixed with a little perspective it can sure make things complicated.

"Time is the longest distance between two places."

-- Tennessee Williams

Sadness

"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad.  

You know, when sad tries to bite it's lip and not cry and 

smile and go "no, I'm happy for you."  That's when it's really sad." 

-- John Mayer

I'm sad.  I'm really, really sad.  And I can't shake it.  It's been building for a few weeks.  I knew the day would arrive.  I knew I'd be sad.  I just figured that since I'd been prepared for it for months, that it wouldn't be as hard.  But it was.  And the sadness?  That's even harder.

A friend of mine told me a story about her daughter.  When her daughter was 2, the family moved abroad for two years.  They came back to visit a few times a year, and each time they left, their little girl, so smart for her age, would never say goodbye.  Instead, she said see you later or something of the like.

I get it.

Saying goodbye hurts.  It hurts so much I can't put words to it.  But saying see you later is a lot less finite, a lot less hurt-filled.

For me, at least in this case, I don't think it would have mattered how I said it.  It was going to hurt.  A lot.  A lot more than I was prepared for.  Thing is, in the grand scheme of things, it's just a short farewell.  Just a few short months (15 weeks) until  that painful goodbye turns into a cheerful welcome back.

It's going to hurt for a while.  I'm going to be sad about it for a while.  I'm going to cry about it for a while.  All that might be perfectly normal for the situation, but I still don't like it.  I don't like that I spent my last 45 minutes with this person in tears, and not the pretty "dab at the corner of your eye with a lace hanky" tears.  The messy ones.  The  "I hate that someone is even looking at me cause I'm that much of a mess" tears.  Unfortunately, as much as we've been preparing for this day, this departure, there have been more messy tears than I care to admit.

Supposedly all this sadness and emotional stuff is a really good thing.  It means that I allowed myself to trust someone enough to care about them, and to let them care about me... which is why their departure hurts so much.  Both the sadness and the tears are natural and appropriate in this situation.  Supposedly all this is a good thing.

I think it's a load of crap.

I guess it's good that I have the next 15 weeks to deal with it. 

For now, this sadness and these tears just suck.  Anger was easier to deal with than this.

Week 7: Words that Give Me Meaning: Take 6

No explanation needed for this one. The lyrics really say it all.

Introducing Song 6: 

Waiting For The End by Linkin Park

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn't so

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And I don't even know what kind of things I said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So I'm picking up the pieces, now where to begin
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got
I'm holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
Just a voice like a riot rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone and the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady something empty's within them
We say yeah with fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something that's invisible there
Cause we're living at the mercy of the pain and the fear
Until we dead it, forget it let it all disappear