Sources of my Smiles

Every day when I walk through the door at home, I am greeted with the biggest (or smallest, technically) source of my smiles.  The Pup.  He is always there, waiting, full of kisses and wiggles and cuddles.  I love coming home to him and the smiles he brings me.

Since the peanut arrived last July, wow.  Smiles galore!  Whether I'm experiencing the giggles, the grins, the raspberries, the shrieks, the claps, whatever it is that peanut is doing, my heart smiles.  Big, warm, smiles.

My students make me smile, too.  I love watching them grow and learn and overcome challenges they thought to be impossible.  I love going to conferences and sharing my students experiences with my peers.  That makes me smile from the inside out.  (Now, if only politics would get the h#$% out of schools, there would be even more smiles there.)

My........ well........ I guess she's now my former dietitian. She made me smile too. She gave great hugs.  Great hugs.  And knowing how grounding they are for me, she greeted me with one and said farewell with one.  I'm really going to miss her.  I hope, that even though she no longer works with me, our old emails will wrap me up in a hug and bring forth smiles.

My therapist makes me smile at least once a session.  Sometimes I'm smiling through tears.  Sometimes I'm smiling cause I've made her laugh.  Sometimes it's cause I've annoyed her.  Sometimes I'm smiling because she's right, and I don't want to admit it.  Mostly, though, I smile because I know she cares.  I don't always feel like people care about me, but knowing she does.... on those really bad days, just hearing her voice makes my heart smile a little, no matter what's going on.

The reason for this post, though, is one that took me quite by surprise.

I've been working with my new dietitian for less than a month.  One of the hardest tasks that she's "encouraged" is daily communication of my food log.  Which means that I send her an email each evening with the day's food log and the tentative menu for the next day.  Doesn't sound hard, I know.  But for me?  It's been a kind of torturous tasks.  It feels selfish to be emailing someone daily, especially knowing they'll respond to each and every email.

This past week, though, I realized how much I look forward to her replies.  Like, really look forward to them.  Don't get me wrong, we're not talking therapy via email, just a few sentences that acknowledge what I sent her, encourage whatever needs encouraging and question whatever needs questioning.  I didn't realize it, and I doubt she has either, but it has become one of the highlights of my day.  As hard as it has been to click send, it's the exact opposite when it comes to clicking read.  Maybe one day, it will just be a smile, and not a smile riddled with guilt for taking up her time outside of the office.  Right?

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 22

22. Do you think you are fully committed to recovery and willing to do whatever it takes to recover? If not, what do you think is holding you back?

I truly am not sure.  

I am fully committed to taking care of my body, and getting and keeping it healthy. 

If that means recovery,
then so be it.

I am the only person that can make my life better.

I am the only person that can take care of my health.

I am the only person standing in my way.

Little Guy, Big Hopes

I recently adopted a little dog, whom I absolutely adore. His history is unknown, all that is known is he's a lap dog that loves to lick noses and faces and fingers. He's adapted quickly into the household, and found his favorite spot to sleep (my pillow) and favorite spot to nap (the couch.)  In case I didn't mention it before, I'm completely smitten by his adorable eyes. I hate leaving him as he still barks when I leave, but I do love his wiggly, kiss-filled return!

Confession: I had really hoped that getting a pet, more specifically a dog, would fix a lot of my issues. I'd have someone else to take care of every day. I'd have an excuse to go out and walk at least three times a day (short as they may be!) I'd have someone to come home to who will love me unconditionally. I hoped that once I found the right pet (which I have,) things would get better.

Maybe my thinking was naive. This little guy had a lot of hopes riding on his tiny shoulders that he can't carry.  No one can.  Getting a dog may have been a great thing for me, but it sure hasn't fixed things.  Yes, I'm getting fresh air daily. I'm not spending every non-work moment in bed.  I'm working on a home routine, even if it is for this four legged little guy (who, by the way, is a sleepy-head like me!)

But I had hoped for more.... I had hoped that having a dog would magically lift the depression fog that follows me around. I hoped that my anxiety would lessen... that I'd be more hopeful about life in general.... instead, I'm feeling hopelessly in love with a little dog who can't fix me. He can't make things better. He can't make me feel less depressed or less anxious or less hopeless. He can't make my world feel any less heavy, despite his lightness.

In Awe and Appreciation

It's no secret that I'm in the midst of some yucky changes that I would prefer to avoid.  I really do work hard to keep this blog somewhat motivating and positive, but sometimes life happens and that is reflected here.  Gotta keep things honest and real, at least that's my goal.

Despite the changes and challenges, or maybe because of them, today I was once again reminded of how lucky I am to have such a wonderful team.  Really truly beyond what I could have dreamed up..... they are amazing.

Today was my annual physical, which I'll admit is not my favorite thing.  But I know that it's necessary if I want to take the best care of myself that I can.  I've been seeing my physician for upwards of 13 years now, and I have nothing but admiration and appreciation for her.  She cares, above and beyond, she cares.

Truth be told, my doctor is the reason I'm still around today.  She sent me to my therapist, who sent me to my dietitian.  Between the three of them...... I don't know that I'll ever be able to find the words to express my gratitude.  They've pushed me, frustrated me, scared me, annoyed me, and most of all, they've cared about me.... all for my own good.  Because of my team, not only am I here today, but I am able to survive challenging changes (albeit kicking and screaming sometimes!)  The mix of love, admiration, appreciation, and gratitude that I have for them.... I don't know where I'd be without them.

The confidence they have in me is actually somewhat frightening, as I'm not really sure where they find it.  But my trust in them?  I'd travel to Mars and back if they told me to.  And it is nice to have that trust in them.... maybe one day I'll find that confidence they seem to have, too.

Week 39: Favorite Time of Day

My favorite time of day is only a few minutes away, actually!  I'm almost embarrassed to admit it, but this blog is all about keeping things real.  Nothing but the honest, albeit painful, truth.

In a few minutes, I get to crawl into bed.  My bed, that is so comfortable and cozy.... I feel almost giddy thinking about how yummy it feels to crawl into bed, snuggle into the layers of blankets and sheets and pillows and softness.... I can't adequately describe it..... so let's see if this helps.

Let me try and give a clearer picture.  Have you ever bathed a dog, or seen a dog bathed? Picture that.  Picture the dog in the shower or tub.  Then picture the dog being freed of the water, and giving that whole-body shake that sends water flying everywhere.  Now, picture that same dog, finally let loose into the yard, and watch that dog roll around in the grass and dirt.  Imagine how happy they feel.  Now picture that huge sigh that the dog releases as they finally feel like themselves again.

That's how I feel crawling into my bed.

It's just me and my comfortable, soft, warm, welcoming bed.... I look forward to crawling into bed hours before I actually get to crawl in.  And when that moment finally arrives?  Yeah.  I sigh.

(Ironically, I never liked my bed as a kid!)

Challenge 2, Part 2: Care vs. Neglect

I'm going to use the term "care" for positive, and "neglect" for negative, as I think the highlighted words have a more hopeful notion to them.  I mean, I can neglect to get the trash to the street on time, and that doesn't sound horrible.  I can handle a glass with care so it doesn't break (thereby ending up in the trash/recycling!)  Just sounds a bit more hopeful, at least to me.

When it comes to responding to events in my life, I tend to respond with anxiety and discomfort, whether the events are positive or negative.  I prefer to care about others involved in the event, whether it's celebrating accomplishments or milestones, or something as simple as being at a concert - I am very careful to make sure they are enjoying themselves, sometimes neglecting my own needs in the process.  When a negative event occurs, I respond the same way, in reverse.  I get mad at myself for whatever my part was, even if I truly didn't cause it whatsoever.  I'm not good at going with the flow, and I feel like I tend to create that hiccup that causes the situation to change.

Care looks like the way I treat others - with respect.  With dignity.  With kindness and compassion.  Care means I want to make sure that people around me are well taken care of, and sometimes when they're not happy (which happens!) it means being a good listener and offering a hug or a shoulder.  Care is celebrating accomplishments, whether it's winning an award, or finally learning to multiply.  Care is growing.  Care is finding inner peace within the storm of life.  Except for me, it's meant helping others do all of the above.

Neglect?  You want to know what neglect is?  What it looks like?  Take a look at me.  Take a look at the way I live.  Actually, I take that back.  I survive, I don't live.  I'm getting closer to living every day, and a bit further from that survival mode, but I'm not quite in the land of the living yet.  Neglect means the only reason I eat is because an alarm goes off reminding me I have to.  Not because I want to nourish my body.  Neglect is pulling the good ole college trick and buying new undergarments, instead of doing laundry.  Neglect is letting the house get so messy, that you'd be ashamed to have anyone stop by unexpectedly.  Neglect is waiting until the last minute to do anything, even if your job depends on it.  Neglect means I spend more hours asleep than awake.  Multiple days in a row.  Neglect?  I'm a pro. 

Eventually, though, I hope to become a pro at self-care, too.... after all, you can have multiple areas of expertise, and I think caring about myself would be a nice addition to my world...