Challenge 1, Part 1: Self Care

This is a really challenging topic for me because in all honesty, I suck in the self-care department, and in the self-soothing department?  I'm even worse!  The good news is that there's no where to go but up and there is lots of room for improvement!

There's this little thing called self-worth that gets in my way.  It's something I am working on daily, and it is so not easy.  However, I firmly believe that once I see myself as deserving of care, from myself or anyone, I will be better able to care for myself.  It's a really odd paradox in my mind - I'm not worthy enough for anyone to care about, yet, unless I care about myself, no one else can really do it for me.

Mentally and emotionally, I know that I have gaps in my development in this department, and I'm working hard to learn the things I skipped over in an effort to better meet my own needs.  It is mentally exhausting right now because everything, from assembling a balanced meal, to building basic care routines, everything is a huge effort!  Things that many people do without thought, I am still working my way through, step by step, inch by inch, and having to think consciously about every single step along the way.  Little by little I'll learn, and it'll get easier a little at a time, at least I hope it does, because the amount of thought and effort put into EVERYthing I do to take care of myself is exhausting!

One of my fellow bloggers has something she calls a Bliss List.  Take a peek at her list, it's really quite inspiring, yet full of simple things that one can do to take care of themselves.  I'm starting my own Bliss List and it has not been an easy task, because self-care is not an easy task.  I'll get there.  One day at a time, of course!

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: CROWD

June Blog Challenge Day 12: CROWD

I have two siblings, both younger.  They both love being around people.  They love being the center of attention.  In fact, I actually kind of enjoy watching them when they're in their element, because they really do shine!

Me?  People?  Not so much.  I don't enjoy being in crowded places.  I actually avoid situations where I know there will be lots of people.  One year, I had a last minute gift to pick up from the mall at the holiday time.  My least favorite time to shop (yes, I'm one of those people who usually has my holiday shopping done by Halloween, if only to avoid the crowds!) I actually spent like $15 on valet just so I didn't have to walk through the crowded parking lot, and instead could pull up right to the door of the mall nearest the store I needed, ran in, got what I needed, and ran out.  Parking that day cost me more than $1 a minute.

I know I'm not alone when I say this... but it doesn't matter how big of a crowd I'm in, I always feel alone.  Mind you, I don't consider myself to be very lonely, I'm just really good at being alone.  Even when surrounded by lots of people.  Yes, I have a lot of anxiety which is worsened when it's crowded.  But I think it's more that my head has always been so crowded with my thoughts, that there has never been much room for other people.  I'm so self-conscious and acutely aware of just how different I am, I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, I don't know how to be comfortable around others.  Yet.

The nice thing is that I'm learning to deal with my anxiety, and with the constant stream of thoughts that are never in short supply.  Maybe one day I won't mind crowds.  Maybe it's something I'll live with for the rest of my life.  But I don't have to make that decision right now, my head is too crowded with other things!

Prompt: Do you like crowds? Hate them?  Do you feel happy in a crowd or alone? Does a crowd cause anxiety? Why do you  think this is? Let your mind open when you see this word and go from there.