Just Keep Swimming....

Today was another scorcher.  Pair the high temps with intermittent rain, and mother nature was left alone much of the day, as was the pool.

It's been four weeks and five days since I began my commitment to fitness.   During that time, I've averaged about 45 minutes a day of intentional walking.  Intentional.  That's the big shift.  I am actually planning time in my day for my walk.  I'm scheduling it in based on the plans for the day, to make sure it happens.  I've made a walk happen 30 out of 33 days.  And that's pretty good, to me. 

Like Dory said, "just keep swimming" or in my case, just keep walking.  I don't love walking every day.  There have been more than a few days where I want to skip the scheduled walk.  Thankfully, once I start out on my walk, I usually enjoy it.  It's work, but it's fairly pleasant work.  And I know it's good for me.

Just keep walking..... that's what I did today.  I was gonna make it a day off - too hot to walk outside, too hot to even walk in the pool.  Instead, I got creative.  I went to the mall.  A place I generally do not enjoy.  I went though, knowing the intention to walk daily is one I'm trying to hold myself to.  I figured I'd get some good people watching in, too.

And I did.  For about 45 minutes, all was
good.  Until I started noticing people more closely.  I realized that what I see as "nicely dressed" is what most people wear every day.  Ugh.  Strike one.  I also realized that ladies shorts are have grown shorter and shorter over the last few years.  It made my stomach hurt watching so many females - all ages, mind you - walking around and tugging their shorts down to cover their cheeks.  Strike two.

Once I noticed that, I started noticing the mannequins in the windows.  Where all the female mannequins are barely dressed and standing on tiptoes, looking uncomfortable, as opposed to the male ones, flat footed and sporting nice outfits, yet looking comfortable.  Strike three.  I was inwardly cringing, knowing that no matter what I do, or how much fitness I incorporate into my life, or how well I eat, I'm never, ever going to have a body that will be able to wear even a fraction of the clothes in the windows.

I know this about me, about my body.  I know that my body doesn't agree with most things in fashion.  I'm aware that I would not be comfortable in the outfits the mannequins were wearing, no matter how nice I thought they looked.  Not gonna happen with this body.  Which to this day, still depresses me.

But I'm learning.  I'm learning to dress for the body I have, not for the body I want.  I'm learning to make positive food choices, even though I know my body will never change.  I'm learning that intention matters.  I'm learning that fitness isn't just about body shape, it's about feeling good that you made the time to take care of your body.

And despite all of this, I hope.... I intend to.... no matter the situation or circumstances.... just keep walking....

Shopping

I.  Hate.  Shopping.

Like, I really, really hate shopping.  It is WAY too challenging to find anything off the rack that fits my weirdly assembled body.  I mean, I have to get petite pants shortened!  To make matters worse, I thought I was pretty set for seasonal wardrobes.  Last year I was determined to buy enough pieces to put together enough outfits for each season that I'd be set for at least a few years, only needing to add a piece here or there.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

I pulled out my spring work clothes this week.  Nothing fits.  Nothing.  (Except my shoes.)

I'd like to say it's because I've gained back all the weight plus some that I lost during the peak of my eating disorder.  

But that's not the case.  Not even close.  (Which I suppose is a good thing?)

This week, a big conversation in therapy was body image, and how much I hate my body.  What my therapist pointed out is that my body is dealing with two medical conditions that impact my size.  I never thought of it that way.  That my body isn't the size I *want* it to be because of my medical conditions.

But it's absolutely true.

I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which often causes cysts to grow and painful swelling of those girl parts inside.  I also have Irritable Bowl Syndrome (IBS) which causes inflammation in my abdomen, as well as painful bloating.  Add to that a half-dozen food allergies, all which cause that bloat to expand even more, and well.......... my abdominal area has a lot going on.

I was telling my therapist that even when I was in my early twenties, and super, super active (we're talking 14 hours a day of intense physical labor/activity), I was a teeny-tiny size, but I still had a huge beer gut.  I don't drink beer.  Ever.

That's when she reminded me that I have a medical condition that creates bloating and swelling in my belly.  This means that when I try on an outfit in the evening and lay said outfit out for work, it doesn't necessarily fit in the morning.  This means that all the spring clothes I had last year that fit and were flattering, aren't cutting it this year.

This means, that next time someone asks, "When are you due?" instead of saying nothing (or wanting to punch them) I can explain that I have medical issues that cause my stomach to bloat and expand, and no, I'm not pregnant.  Not gonna be easy, but it's worth a try.

This means that my goal for finding clothes is going to have to be different.  Instead of looking for clothes that fit, I'm now going to have to start looking for clothes that will make me feel good when I'm wearing them, no matter how bloated my belly is at that moment.  And let me tell you how impossible that task feels.  But I don't really have a choice.  I mean, I can squeeze myself into clothes that are way too uncomfortable, and that I feel super self-conscious in, or I can buy new clothes.  Neither sounds appealing, but I suppose trying to find a more flexible wardrobe will be easier than standing in my closet, crying for 20 minutes every morning as I try to find something that fits and feels ok.

The eating part of the eating disorder may be leveling out, but all the rest?  The body stuff?  That's a long journey ahead, and one I'm not looking forward to.