Sunday, June 10, 2012

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: EMOTIONAL

June Blog Challenge Day 10: EMOTIONAL

My mom likes to tell this story about how when I was an infant, I never cried.  She even took me to the doctor because she was worried that there was something wrong with me since I never cried.  Well... I guess I made up for it, cause she ends the story by saying once I hit adolescence, I made up for the lack of tears as an infant and toddler, that's for sure.

An emotional mess.  Or at least overly emotional.  Both could describe me, though some would prefer to use the second description as it's slightly less mean, I suppose.

It's interesting... I was really, really good at stuffing my emotions and not letting them out unless I was alone.  Even then, I struggled to let any emotion out whatsoever.  I hated feeling my feelings.  I hated being emotional.  So I just stopped feeling.  That was probably one of the benefits of my ed, or at least it was in my mind.  It kept me numb.  Numb was good.  Numb didn't hurt.  Numb didn't cause emotional reactions to anything.

Once I began the recovery process, all hell broke loose.  I remember the moment when I started feeling things again, when my emotions made their re-entry into my life.  I think it was about five months into recovery, and I had regained enough so that my body was beginning to function slightly more normally.  It was as if I was given some magical tonic that unleashed the flood of emotions I had stuffed all those years.

It sucked.

It still sucks, actually.  I'm not a fan of this stage in the game.  I'm looking forward to the time when my emotions are not overwhelming or overblown, which is where they are now.  I have rather inflated responses to situations that don't need that strong of a response.  I know that.  I also know that one day, I will learn to feel these emotions as they arise, and will not overreact the way I do currently.

The reality of it is that I am a very, very sensitive person.  My whole body is sensitive.  You know that warning on medicines?  The one that says like 1 in 150,000 will have a reaction to something?  I'm that 1.  That's why one of my goals through this recovery process is to learn how I can handle my emotions appropriately for me.

Because of my sensitivities, my response may never be what others consider *typical* but you know what?  I think I'm ok with that. 

Prompt: Are you emotional? Do you wish  you could be? Do you respect people who are emotional or consider them  unstable? Does emotion have a place in recovery? Let your mind take off!

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