June Blog Challenge Day 17: END
I am not a fan of most endings. They are usually rather sad and emotional for me, and lately, it's hard to keep my emotions in check.
Take the end of the school year, for example. I always, always cry. Never fails. Even the year I was moving up with my students, I still cried on the last day of school. Even the year I couldn't wait for the school year to end, I still cried.
I think back to the end of undergrad. I was so in denial that it was over, I almost dropped out, and I didn't attend graduation ceremonies. I just couldn't face the end of what I considered my youth. High school graduation was even worse - I was a blubbering mess of tears much of the day. I even went back to school after graduation, and attended my favorite classes till the last day of school, even though I didn't have to. Talk about holding on to the past.....
I equate endings with sadness. All endings but one.
I look forward to the day when I end my relationship with the self-destructive behaviors and intrusive, unhelpful, thoughts filled with self-hatred. I look forward to the day where I end the internal attack on my self. I look forward to the day when I am no longer my own worst enemy. I look forward to the day I leave behind the self-inflicted misery of my inner-life, and step into the endless possibilities that await in the outside world. It will happen. I know it will.
Prompt: Can you remember the end of an era in your life that was important
to you? Was the end sad? Liberating? What is it like to end
your disorder? What is it like to realize that for every end there is a
new beginning?
Oh gosh, I look forward to the end of all of those things, too. But we cling to the bad things the same way we cling to the good things, and even for similar reasons. It's familiar. It's comfortable, even if it causes pain. That's what makes it so terribly hard.
ReplyDeleteBut you'll get there! And maybe eventually I will too. :)
We'll both make it one day Kashley... We're working too hard not to!
DeleteI hear you on the end of school year front. On my last day of high school/sixth form I was the last student out of the building. Everyone else was down the pub but I just felt attached.
ReplyDeleteDitto now I am a teacher. Even the classes I find I'm less fond of the last lesson always makes me feel a little nostalgic, I don't know if that is the best word but it will have to do
From one teacher to another... :) One of my mentors to this day is a teacher I had in High School - I've known her for almost 20 years now. Talk about attached! Nostalgia is a great word, and fits my situation well... I just hope that one day I can see the end of the year with happy-tear memories instead of the other ones!
Delete