Luck

Luck.

I'm the kind of person who prefers to attribute all my successes to luck.  That takes the pressure off of me to actually accept being "good enough" for something good to happen to me.  One of these days I'll have to start owning up to the "good" the way I accept responsibility for the "not so good" in my world.

Luck.

I'm getting a do-over.  My therapist and I have talked about this possibility many times before, and the fact that it is actually happening is so surreal.  I know that getting this do over..... I've gotten quite lucky.  A chance like this doesn't come around all that often, if ever.  That's part of the appeal of this offer, the chance to take my professional experiences and start over in a new environment, where I will get to build the professional image that will be helpful, and feel good.   Not the one I currently live in, the one I created where colleagues don't need to respect me.

Make Your Own Luck

Luck.

I'm going to step up.   I'm going to show up.  I'm going to take this new opportunity and thank my lucky stars it appeared in my world.   And I'm going to attribute it all to

Luck.

This chance may be one of sheer luck.  But one day...  One day?   I will start making my own

Luck.

Change Your Mind

I was watching a movie this morning, Bedazzled, and as the 

end credits rolled, this song came on.

Funny thing is that as I watched the movie (I only caught the last 45 minutes or so) I kept thinking that there was a bigger message than selling your soul to the devil, that there was more to the film than the humor and Satan references.  I mean, it's pretty obvious, and I knew that, I just couldn't put my finger on it.

Then I heard the song.

And I cried.

Cause this battle, the one I'm fighting with myself, is exhausting.  

Wish vs Reality

Perception.  Perspective.  Whatever you want to call it, sometimes mine is off.

Good news is that at least I'm now starting to recognize when it's presenting an inaccurate picture!  If only that could happen a bit more frequently....

Here's an example.  (Disclaimer: I am not a Trekkie, though I did enjoy the two most recent films.)  My therapist and I were talking about emotions and how some people are better able to manage theirs, while others (like me) are managed BY their emotions.  She suggested I watch Star Trek (yeah, she's that awesome, you can be jealous) and pay close attention to Kirk and Spock.

So I did. 

And as my therapist and I reflected on the movie, I realized that I am such a Kirk - my emotions are ever-present, driving much of my day.  However, Spock, on the other hand, is pretty darn emotionless, living among an acute sense of logic.  (Reminds me of Sheldon!)

I want to be Spock.

Reality is, a balance of both Kirk's emotions and Spock's lack of emotions would be more appropriate to strive for, but, with my extreme "Kirk-like" emotion, even if I shoot for Spock's opposite extreme, I'd likely end up in the middle.

Here's another one.  Earlier this week as I was walking out of my house, I gave my usual cursory glance to make sure everything was set.  This time, though, I noticed that while I got rid of loads and loads of excessive "stuff" over the past two years, I still have more to get rid of.  In my mind, I see myself as a minimalist.  My house says otherwise, though.  No, I'm not by any means a hoarder.  I can't stand the pileup of superfluous stuff.  I'm more of a pack rat.  Kinda comes with the teaching territory, you never know when that really cool plastic take out container might come in handy.

Years into therapy, I can now see that my perception of myself and my world is very much twisted and, well, pretty messed up.  Knowing this, though, is going to help me change the prescription of my lenses, so to speak, and help me see reality as it is, not as I wish it to be.  Thank g-d there's still years of therapy to come......!

Truth vs Lie

This is a truth I wish I believed.

I know it's true.  I know that every person on earth has value, just because of who they are.  Some people may appear not to have value, such as those that are cruel and unkind.  However, sometimes it is exactly that kind of person that can teach us pretty important life lessons.  We learn so much from the good people in our worlds, and we also learn from those who are not-so-good in our world.  I prefer the lessons from kind souls, though sometimes I learn the most from the unkind ones.........

Right now, I am struggling greatly with this truth.  I feel that the only value I have is through my job.  The only people I am of value to are my students and their families.  The only reason people are kind to me is because they need my assistance.  

These are the truths I believe to be true.

Even though I know they're lies.  All of them.  Nothing but twisted self-perception and lies.

Truth?  I am valuable just because I am here and I am me.  Truth.

It hurts, though it shouldn't.  

The truth can hurt, yet, somehow I think this truth should feel rather good, or at least neutral.

I am valuable just because I am here and I am me.

People like me because of who I am, not what I do for them.

My students and their families like me because I am me, and I happen to be a good teacher.

My friends like me because I am me, not because of what I do for them.

I am valuable just because I am here and I am me.

I wonder how many times I'll have to type that before it truly becomes my inner truth.

Comparisons

I watched the cutest piece the other day showing groups of kids freestyle dancing.  That always makes me smile.  That clip was followed by a commercial showing a design rehabber and construction guru looking fit beyond words, driving a back-hoe.  Changing channels found a home-cook turned tv chef talking about a delicious Thanksgiving dish his family loves.  A few channels later the screen was filled with a DIY-er sharing simple yet beautiful home improvement projects.  Then landscape artists.  Swimmers gliding across the pool filled the screen next.  Then an unplugged concert by a pianist with a beautiful voice.  There were more channels, too, full of talents and gifts and knowledge.

Sounds like a pretty typical weekend morning, right?  Well, at least for me it is.  It's a nice treat to get up and be able to couch it for a little bit before beginning the day, which is vastly different from weekday mornings.

I hadn't realized it before that morning how much I *still* want to be someone I'm not.

I wish I could dance.  It looks like fun, despite the fact that I tend to trip over my own feet.  I wish I knew how to design and build and woodwork - I loved it as a kid, but now?  I value my fingers, thank you very much.  Cooking?  Yeah, right.  Home decorating?  I wish.  My house looks almost exactly the same as it did when I moved in ten years ago.  Landscaping?  Heck, I wish I could keep a plant alive or grow some herbs and veggies, much less put the pond into the yard that I've wanted to do since childhood.  And I still kick myself for quitting music lessons when I was a kid.  I'm envious of those who can play an instrument, it sounds so beautiful.  Throw in singing, too?  You've got me.  I'm turning green on the inside.  And not a day goes by that I don't miss the athletics I used to participate in on a regular basis.

I have my own gifts and talents.  I know that.  My therapist reminds me of them fairly regularly, too, as I often forget that I do have things to offer the world.  I see the talents of others to be much more valuable than my own.  Instead, I see myself as too clumsy to dance, to weak to do anything requiring sustained physical exertion, as far from a homemaker as possible, too lazy to pick up any athletics, and when it comes to music?  I see myself as selfish for quitting lessons as a child.

Sounds pretty grim, I know.  So is the work I'm doing to change that.  Cause you know what?  One of these days, I'm going to feel good enough.

I'm going to feel good enough.

I'm going to feel like my gifts and talents are good enough offerings for the world.  More than that, I'm going to feel like I'm valuable, just as I am.

Day 24: Worst Traits?

Oh goodness.  Only three?  I could come up with a heck of a lot more, and it would be way easier than a list of positive traits, sadly.

First, I am very stubborn, er, determined.  It's not that I'm unwilling, I just need to very clearly understand the how, why, and what before I will agree...... most of the time.

Second, I am extremely hyper-vigilant.  I notice EVERYthing.  I mean everything.  To a fault.  And this gets in the way of a lot.  It is extremely frustrating, and I've yet to find a positive in being hyper-vigilant.

Thirdly, I seem to enjoy living in an internal misery.  I don't know how to enjoy life without worrying about the other shoe dropping.

Other traits?  I could list a dozen easily, but I will, for once, follow the rules of the challenge and stop with three.

Day 24 Prompt: Your top three worst traits.

Homework

I rarely get homework from my therapist.  I sometimes wish she'd give me homework more often.  At least until I actually get homework.  You know how that goes - you wish for something, then when you get it, you regret wishing for it in the first place?  Yep.  I'm there.

We've been dancing around the topic of self-image.  Mine is sucks.  Like, seriously sucks.  I have such a twisted perception of myself - both in how I look and in who I am.  I see nothing but flaws and failures.

Well, supposedly I am the only person that sees me this way.  My therapist *promised* me that no one else sees me the way I see me.  She also made a point of reminding me that she's never lied to me in the past.  She's always honest.  She is right about that.

Which means that I have two choices:
I can trust her, taking her word that no one else sees me the way I do. 
or
I can actually ask others what they see in me.

Because I rarely follow the rules, I chose both.

I DO trust my therapist, more than anyone else on this planet.  And she has never lied to me.  Ever.  Everything she tells me is honest, sometimes brutally honest, but always spoken with care.  Yet, I need a little help in trying to see me from the kinder eye of others.

So I've selected a select few, whom I trust more than most (which says a lot, since I trust few!) to ask the question "what do you see when you see me?"  My request was specific, I only want facts (thank you DBT!) as it is more helpful to work with facts than opinions (also known sometimes as judgements in the DBT world.)

Now....... I wait...... and hold on to the fact that I trust my therapist..... I trust my therapist..... I trust my therapist......

Something Wonderful

For all those out there that are

struggling,

suffering,

wishing life were easier,

kinder,

friendlier,

quieter......

For those of you fighting,

hiding,

ignoring,

avoiding,

wishing you weren't here,

hoping,

praying......

A reminder for everyone.

Including me.

What's In a Name?

Names are a funny thing.  They really need to "fit" the person in which they describe.  For a long time, I actually hated my name.  It wasn't one of the "common" names, so as a kid, the only time I got anything with my name on it was if someone made it for me.  I didn't like that all that much, I wanted the personalized everything that my friends had.

Now?  As an adult, I love my unique name.  I love that I only know of three other people with the same name (though I'm sure there are many more!)  My name fits me.  I'm unique.  I'm different (you can take that as good or bad, however you'd like.)  I'm a bit of an oddball, just like my name.

It took a long time for me to like my name.  Once I was able to embrace the uniqueness of it.... it was a lot easier to like it.  Liking my name.... first step to liking me?  I hope so!

Professionally Developed

I work with some amazing people.  Professional, put together, masters of their craft.  People that I look at and think "wow, I kinda wish I could have their lives for a little while, and see how the other half lives......"  I often feel less than, just because they are all married (or engaged) and have families (or are just starting their families) and have very rich and wonderful lives outside of work.  In other words, their highlight reels are pretty spectacular.

And mine isn't.

Except for one area.  I found it quite shocking that my "highlight reel" actually brought out the behind-the-scenes struggle in my colleagues.  See, my highlight reel is very limited.  It actually only encompasses one skill area.  That's it.  I don't have the family.  I don't have the relationship.  I don't have the outside-of-work-amazing-life.  But I do have one talent, that I now know brings out insecurities in others.  Which is something I hate to do, make someone feel insecure.  And today, more than ever, that was made clear to me.

Which is why this quote came to mind.  I know I need to really work hard to stop looking at the highlight reel, the "public persona" of my colleagues.  Because when I do that, I feel like an ant surrounded by elephants - the smallest, most insignificant creature of the bunch.  Hopefully this new-found information will help me balance out a little bit more, and be less insecure about what they have that I don't, and instead, focus on sharing what I can......  After all, we all have something to offer, whether we're behind the camera or running the show.

Challenge 9, Part 3: Wholeness

This quote pretty much speaks for itself.  

What I would give to fill the empty places in my being with love, with caring, with kindness, with compassion....

Maybe then I would know what wholeness truly feels like.

I do know, though, that the only person who can fill those voids is me.

Sometimes that's an invigorating realization, but most of the time, it's a rather frightening one.

Challenge 7, Part 5: Beauty

I don't know about you, but there are sooooo many quotes out there swirling around the subject of beauty.  This one struck me because it mentions nothing of appearance or accomplishment.  Instead, it emphasizes that beauty is who we are when we are at our best.  Which means we can ALL be beautiful, despite what we might think, or what a number might say.  If we are working to be the best version of ourselves, and that radiates from the inside out.... well then, we are beautiful.  You, my beautiful reader, are being the best version of you, and that is true beauty.