NEDA Week: What Counts

1,520 days.  That's how long I've been counting.  In those 1,520 days, I recorded every single morsel of food that went into my mouth.  I recorded every single iota of beverage, of snack, of sweet.... everything that entered my body has been recorded for the last 1,520 days.

And it's been a constant weight in my brain, in my world, in my life.... but I did it.  I counted everything.  Up until now.

I recently spent two weeks traveling abroad, where counting my food was next to impossible.  I tried, believe me, but it was way more complicated than anything I anticipate, so I had to press pause on the counting and recording.  It's probably a good thing, because I spent much of my energy on the trip staying present and not losing my mind to anxiety.

Anyway.  I'm home now.  I've been home for a bit.  And I'm not counting.  And it's not easy.  Not easy at all.

There's a small sense of relief that I no longer need to record every single bite that enters my body.  Small.  There's a large sense of anxiety that I will under eat, or over eat, or eat really, really badly, and since I have no record of that..... more anxiety.

But I'm gonna give it a go.  A trial.  My dietitian reminded me that we can see how it goes and adjust as needed.  My therapist was thrilled.  Supposedly letting go of counting calories will free up space in my brain for other, more positively helpful.  I hope they're right.

NEDA Week - Light it up blue

Tonight, all around the country, landmarks and buildings will be lit up blue to raise awareness about eating disorders.  The list has grown from years past, and while not every state is included, each new location added to the list that lights it up blue makes a difference!

Landmarks Lit Up

Yup.  Truth.  Depression and anxiety can even mask eating disorders.  They're good at that.  Take a few minutes, take the screening, share it with a friend you're concerned about, talk to your doctor.... take the time to take care of you....

Remembering

When you close your eyes
and all you see is what you don't want to see.

The colors, textures, and scents
all fill your senses behind closed lids.

The memory has been packed up
tucked away behind the gate, boxed up, forgotten.

When you close your eyes
and it all comes flooding back.

The hours and weeks and months
working to put it behind you matter not.

Less than a minute was all it took
for the moment to return to consciousness.

Now it is all you see
when you close your eyes.

Fingers crossed, wishes on stars,
whatever you can do to put the memory away again.

The scents, breeze, piney and floral,
The colors, orange, tan, white, golden, and green.

The textures, clearly visible even now
wood grains, corduroy, denim, grassy, velvety, rough.

Maybe not today, or this week or month,
but back in the faded darkness, behind the gate, and into the box.

This memory will once again,
leave my consciousness and I will resume fighting, living, growing.

For now, closing my eyes
is going to mean working twice as hard to change the picture.

Covering up the scene,
replacing the colors, the scents, the textures.

And I will move forward
stronger than before, better able to live the life I am destined for.

My Anxious Heart

"Depression is when you can't feel at all. Anxiety is when you feel too much. Having both is a constant war within your own mind. Having both means never winning." 

Katie Crawford, My Anxious Heart

Photo Credit

A friend sent me the link to this article about My Anxious Heart, a photo series depicting anxiety and depression with photography instead of just words.  While I found all the photos in the series so spot on and relateable, it was the quote above that got me. 

On top of the eating disorder, which is thankfully under control these days, both anxiety and depression reside inside me.  There are days where my depression is so thick I can't lift my head from my pillow in the morning.  There are days when my anxiety is so strong walking from the bedroom to the living room has me short of breath.

Sometimes I miss the numbness the eating disorder provided, it was a more tolerable numbness than the one depression carries.  Depression numb is being in the dark with no light in sight, where as the eating disorder numb is more dissociative.  Both leave me feeling rather care-less.

I struggle with lots of things I see on Facebook, and I actually stopped reading the newspaper and watching the news nearly two years ago.  Why?  Because I feel too much.  Because I'd see a story about a town in need, and my heart would break for the citizens of the town.  I'd see a story about a child who won the battle with cancer, and my heart would crack open even further for the pain they had to go through.  Feeling so much, so intensely, leaves me gasping for breath.

I don't like that I agree with the author, that "having both means never winning," but I do.  I feel like the delicate balance, the grey area, so to speak, is so hard to find, and once it's found, it is nearly impossible to stay for long.  Being in one extreme, depression, is no better than the other extreme, anxiety, at least for me.  I aim to reside in the grey area.

And yet, it seems impossibly elusive.
(That's what the depression says.)

And the idea of the grey area is terrifying.
(That's the anxiety talking.)

Still, I plug on.  I see my therapist twice a week and my dietitian once a week and the rest of my team as needed and I plug on.  They haven't given up.  So I won't either.

Up for a Swing?

It's been a day.  It's been a week, actually.  A rather anxiety ridden week.  Today was the first day I felt like I had the space to breathe on my own, without relying on my team's presence.  So what did I do?  I sat in my swing.  I sat in my swing for a long time. 
Made me think of this poem:

How do you like to go up in a swing,
Up in the air so blue?
Oh, I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a child can do!

Up in the air and over the wall,
Till I can see so wide,
River and trees and cattle and all
Over the countryside--

Till I look down on the garden green,
Down on the roof so brown--
Up in the air I go flying again,
Up in the air and down!

--Robert Louis Stevenson


It was a favorite poem of mine as a child.  The illustration is one by my favorite childhood illustrator, too.  This particular illustrator brought multicultural illustrations into her books before it was "the thing" to do.

Back to *my* swing.  I got it almost two years ago.  I bought the stand first, as there was no place to hang a swing inside my house.  I bought an inexpensive rope swing for it, too, with the intention of putting it outside in the spring.  That never happened.

Instead, I ended up getting a beautiful wicker cocoon like swing and keeping it in my living room.  And I love it.  I don't use it enough, though.  Or at least I didn't.

As of late, with my anxiety at an all time high, I've been working to find ways to self-soothe that don't involve the presence of my uber-calming team.  It hasn't been easy.  So far, Xanax is a guarantee (but I've been out of it for weeks,) as is sleep (which isn't always feasible.)  I know there are other things I can do, my dietitian has been encouraging me to take walks, which I have been.  But sometimes dragging myself out the door even for a short dog walk is rough.  Crawling over to my swing is doable.  There's something about the gentle sway, the cocoon-like shape of the swing, and the way I can curl up in it that provides a sort of calm that my nervous system really needs.

How do you self-soothe?  I'm open to new ideas and I'd love to know what works for others!

Lots o Lasts

I got a new job.

And I am SO excited!

I'll still be working in education, but instead of one classroom of kids, I get to work with an entire building of kids. It's going to be a different kind of work, but I think it's going to be equally as fulfilling and fun (once I get over the initial shock, of course!)

The downside of this new position is that I'm leaving my district.

My district.

I've worked there for 14+ years.

Same building the whole time.

And I have to say farewell.

As this new opportunity sinks in, I'm realizing that I'm hitting a lot of "lasts" right now.

Last field trips with the district.  Last round of parent-teacher conferences (I won't miss this a lot, but I will miss the connection!) Last time for the Art show. Last time for Science night. Knowing this past fall was the last time I set up my classroom. The last time I decorated it for class parties. Last time for the end of year celebrations. Last year for the school traditions.

Lots and lots of lasts.

That makes me anxious and nervous and really, really sad.

I know that with lasts, comes firsts.

And firsts can give me something to look forward to.

First time meeting my new team. First time experience a first day of school in a different place. First school fair. First day in a cafeteria. First school with a fireplace! First time playing in the Innovation Hub. First step into the world of leadership.

Lots of firsts.

And while they make me nervous and anxious and sick-to-my-stomach, they make me excited, too.

New adventures always mean you leave something behind.

With new opportunities come farewells.

Every "last" means you're heading into a new "first."

I guess it's good that I've been working on holding conflicting feelings without melting into a puddle of emotion, cause without that practice, I think this opportunity would have ended before it began.

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 18

18. Do you have any other diagnosed disorders aside from an eating disorder? How are you dealing with these issues? If you don’t have another disorder, what are some psychological issues that affect your eating disorder right now?

Really?  

Really?  

Must we open *that* can of worms?

Just kidding. 

Really.

It's actually a good question to ask, because eating disorders often coexist with other mental illnesses.  And if it helps one person who also enjoys the feast I have been served, then it is worth taking the time to share.

Funny story, my life is.  I went into therapy for severe depression.  Never expected to be diagnosed with an eating disorder.  Then again, I didn't expect a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder diagnosis either.  I always thought that it was just how I was.  ADHD was diagnosed in college, but according to one of my grade school teachers, it made perfect sense as to how school rolled out for me.  I hated school.  It was *impossible* to concentrate.  Studying?  Not a chance.  Anything that required prolonged focus was not happening.  While I don't officially have an OCD diagnosis, I have a few too many of the tendencies.

  

In summary: 

Severe Depression.  PTSD.  ADHD.  OCD.  Anxiety.  

Oh, and an eating disorder.

At least that one is on it's way out.

How do I deal with all of this alphabet soup?  Therapy.  Lots and lots of therapy.  With an incredible therapist.  I can even give credit to my previous therapists, cause without experiencing them, I would never have known how challenging, yet powerful, therapy can be when you have the right therapist.  And considering my therapist is only one member of my treatment team, I know that I've got a lot of support to rely on as needed.

You Can Say That Again

You can say that again.

No, really.  You can.

I don't know about you, but I do NOT want to re-experience what I've already lived through.  Not again.  Once was painful enough.

Week 42: Overcoming Stressful Times

Stress?  I have NO idea what you're talking about.  My life is stress free, and any stress that does exist is chocolate covered, making it easily digestible.  I have the patience of a rock, the grace of a swan, and flow like the waves in the ocean, quietly kissing the shore and retreating seamlessly.

Whatever.  (I can dream, right?)

Stress? My world is covered in stress, where as I'd much prefer a chocolate covered world.  This topic is actually rather timely for me, as this time of year is pretty stressful and frustrating for me.  It's also an opportunity for me to remind myself what tools I do have to get me through stressfully frustrating times like these.

One tool that helps is to focus on my breathing.  Usually that involves remembering to breathe!  I try to count my inhales and exhales and use my breath to distract myself from the situation that is setting off the alarms in my head.  From the breathing I try to move into my phone list - I have a few friends that I know are exceptionally good at getting me out of tough spots in a short conversation.  If my phone list isn't available, then I'll pull out my distraction box.  This box is literally a toolbox of distractions that are neatly packaged and always stored in the same place so I can grab it at my lowest level of functioning.

An overarching tool that I try to constantly remember is the slogan "this too shall pass" as an effort to remind me that the situation may feel stressful at the moment, or I may be frustrated at the moment, but for the moment, I can handle it.  The feeling will pass, the situation will end, and all will be restored to it's typical level of sanity.

And when all else fails I reach for a Xanax.  In keeping with the goal of complete honesty, sometimes I go for the Xanax first.  Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do!

Little Guy, Big Hopes

I recently adopted a little dog, whom I absolutely adore. His history is unknown, all that is known is he's a lap dog that loves to lick noses and faces and fingers. He's adapted quickly into the household, and found his favorite spot to sleep (my pillow) and favorite spot to nap (the couch.)  In case I didn't mention it before, I'm completely smitten by his adorable eyes. I hate leaving him as he still barks when I leave, but I do love his wiggly, kiss-filled return!

Confession: I had really hoped that getting a pet, more specifically a dog, would fix a lot of my issues. I'd have someone else to take care of every day. I'd have an excuse to go out and walk at least three times a day (short as they may be!) I'd have someone to come home to who will love me unconditionally. I hoped that once I found the right pet (which I have,) things would get better.

Maybe my thinking was naive. This little guy had a lot of hopes riding on his tiny shoulders that he can't carry.  No one can.  Getting a dog may have been a great thing for me, but it sure hasn't fixed things.  Yes, I'm getting fresh air daily. I'm not spending every non-work moment in bed.  I'm working on a home routine, even if it is for this four legged little guy (who, by the way, is a sleepy-head like me!)

But I had hoped for more.... I had hoped that having a dog would magically lift the depression fog that follows me around. I hoped that my anxiety would lessen... that I'd be more hopeful about life in general.... instead, I'm feeling hopelessly in love with a little dog who can't fix me. He can't make things better. He can't make me feel less depressed or less anxious or less hopeless. He can't make my world feel any less heavy, despite his lightness.

Mental Health Matters!

As World Mental Health Awareness Day draws to a close, I have been reflecting on my journey over the last year.  Most notably, how much things have changed in the last year, and how much they are still the same.  Confusing contradiction, I know, but it's true.  The world has changed, I have changed, my health has changed.  Yet, the sun still rises, the stars still shine, the rain still falls, and the leaves still change.

The thing that hasn't yet changed is the stigma attached to mental health.  And even more, the stigma about eating disorders.  It is frustrating and sad to hear people speak of eating disorders as "fads" or "attention seeking."  It is frustrating and sad to hear people whisper about depression and anxiety.  If only they knew that in a room of 20 people, 5 likely suffer from a diagnosable mental illness.

But no one talks about it.  And if no one talks about it, the secrecy just increases the shame.

I've been talking about it.  Slowly at first, and quietly, and with a few trusted people.  But through the blogging community, I've grown stronger.  And braver.  And though I still struggle daily, the shame is decreasing as the secrecy lessens. 

In the beginning, things were definitely rougher.  Below are snippets of my journey that I hope will inspire you to try something new on yours...

Stress and Attitude
Got Feelings?
A Wake Up Call
What If?
Everybody Knows Somebody
Secrets
I Just Don't Get It
Self-Care vs. Self-Neglect
Caving, In a Good Way!

To close out World Mental Health Awareness Day, I want to share something that was shared at Psych Central's Blog Party.   The page is now full of amazing stories shared by courageous people.  When you have a healthy dose of courage, it helps to also have a bit of humor mixed in.  This video should do the trick!  Serious and funny at the same time, it is, in my mind, a great end to a great day.

Comfort Zone

I am a person who loves routine and stability.  Which is why when I was asked to step out of my comfort zone, and do something that I'd rather not do, I panicked.

A few weeks ago I, was encouraged to start volunteering.  I mean, why not?  Anne Frank said "no one ever became poor by giving."  She may have meant that in financial terms, but I think it also applies to time.  I do have time to give, so why not give some?

Because I am afraid.  That's why.  Because I am afraid to commit doing something that I might not be able to handle.  How do I know I won't be able to handle it?  I don't.  And I won't, unless I try.  No matter how scared I am, I have to try.

So this afternoon I finally took a chance and emailed an organization I am interested in volunteering for.  According to their website, they require a minimum commitment of one hour a week.  I think I can handle that.  At least, I hope I can.  Volunteering is something that would help me in so many ways, especially volunteering for an organization like the one I chose to contact. Now that the ball is in motion, I'm in that information gathering stage, where I need to know as much as possible, so I can find a bit of a life preserver as I head out of my comfort zone and into the zone where the magic happens.

Here's hoping for some magic.....

Truth

Don't Want To Think...

24 hours to go - Update: I made it!

In 24 hours I'll be heading out to see my dietitian for the first time in FOUR months.  FOUR months is a long time.  I'm still not sure how missing someone like this is a good thing, but my therapist still says this was a good thing for me to experience.

I am still kinda sorta anxious about tomorrow... My brain had a full on anxiety party yesterday afternoon and logic wasn't invited.  Anxiety completely overtook my thought process and filled my head with worrisome wonderings.  All sorts of worries were cycling through my head for what felt like an eternity.  But you know what?  Like my therapist says,  the anticipation is always worse than the actual event, right?

Tom Petty really knew what he was talking about...

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part...

(For all my anxiety and nerves... I still can't wait to see her!)

Clarifying Point: I never really missed anyone before, even when I was a kid.  I wasn't that attached to anyone, really, so even when my parents went out of town, it wasn't all that big of a deal.  It wasn't until recently that I learned what it feels like to connect with someone to the point where you miss them... to understand what it feels like to be attached to someone.  Not the greatest feeling at the moment, but I've been told it gets easier, and less painful as one gets used to the feeling.

Update: Well, I made it.  I survived four months.  117 days, to be exact.  It was SO nice to see my dietitian again, I really missed her, really, really missed her. I think I'm still kind of in disbelief that she's back, not sure if it will feel "real" for another week or two.  But I'm ok with that.  I'm just glad I made it, I'm glad that I was well taken care of by my therapist and my dietitian's stand in, and I'm so so so SO very glad that *my* dietitian is back!

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: MYSTERY

June Blog Challenge Day 29: MYSTERY

It's likely no surprise that I am not a big fan of mystery.  Anything unknown scares the bejeebers out of me.  When I'm watching a movie, I'll often mute it or change the channel when the suspense gets to be too much for me to handle.  Even if it's an episode of a television show that I've seen many times before, and actually know the outcome, when it gets to *that* part, where the mystery has built and is at the turning point, I'll still change the channel, even though I know what's going to happen!

Interestingly, there is one kind of mystery I don't mind at all... it's the one I'm in control of.  Like when I'm reading aloud to my students and drop my voice, the room grows eerily silent as they hang on every word... and when I stop reading and close the book on a cliff hanger?  It's like being in an athletic stadium when your favorite team scores.  The kids loudly complain and beg for just a few more pages.  That kind of mystery?  I love.  I know what is happening and where things are heading, so I can handle it.

If you've read previous posts on my blog, you know that I am definitely one who prefers structure and planning, and am not good with spontaneous happenings.  I think that's why I have never really enjoyed reading mystery books, either.  I get really, really anxious while I'm reading. I mean, I've read the entire Harry Potter series multiple times, and know how it all ends, yet... if I read any book beyond book 4 before bed, it gives me terrible nightmares. 

So, to sum up a rather rambly post, while I appreciate the mystery of life, I prefer a little less mystery in my life.  I wish that things were just a little more transparent sometimes, and a little less scary.... then again, maybe things are quite transparent, and my vision is still rather clouded.  Hmmm.  Guess it really is all about perspective!

 Prompt: Does life hold mystery for you?  Do you wish it did? Does mystery scare you? Thrill you? Is it good, bad, or do you feel indifferent towards it?

One. More. Week.

One week.  Just one more week until my dietitian is back.  Six days, actually.  I.  Can't.  Wait.  I am still a little nervous, and that feels kind of strange.  I mean, I've been looking forward to this for four months.  111 days.  And now there's only six days left to wait.  Six days.  What was such a painful farewell, and a tear-filled few weeks afterward... I survived.  I've just about made it.
Funny thing... I wanted to not like her fill-in, who is now going to stay on as part of my dietitian's staff.  I actually wanted to just stop seeing a dietitian all together while mine was on leave.  Turns out that my temporary one was pretty cool.  I actually ended up enjoying working with her.  She's not *my* dietitian, (no one can fill her shoes) but she did a really nice job dealing with me, and more than that... I know that she cares, not only about doing a good job, but she cares in general. And what started out dreadful and draining (at least from my perspective) ended up to be a positive, growth-filled, learning experience that I actually didn't mind.

It's kind of nice that she is sticking around and will be a part of the staff, too.  It means that next time my dietitian goes on vacation or is out of the office, she will be able to fill in.  And this time, I won't be as anxious, miserable, and apprehensive cause I already know her, and I already like her!

I still can't wait till next Monday, though.... six days.  Approximately 155 hours... Boy have I missed her.  And yes, I will likely be incredibly emotional, at least for the first few minutes.  I mean, it'll have been 117 days between... well, I just hope it stays in my head!

For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, 

and for everything you gain, you lose something else.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: BEGINNING

June Blog Challenge Day 16: BEGINNING

The timing of this word is so fitting for me, because today is the beginning of my summer vacation.  Well, at least according to the calendar it is.  According to all the work I still have to do to wrap up the loose ends of the school year, my summer vacation won't technically begin until June 28th.  But that's ok.

I like beginnings... sort of.  I like to be prepared for beginnings.  Whatever is beginning, I handle it better when I have all the information necessary to make sense of what is coming up so my anxiety doesn't take over.  Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Beginnings can be exciting, but more often they really do scare me.  Not knowing exactly what to expect is anxiety inducing for me.  The only beginning that wasn't horribly anxious was beginning my first day as a teacher.  I was so well prepared for that job, the only anxiety was in meeting my students for the first time!  While I've been in the classroom for many years now, the first day of each new school year always brings on butterflies in my belly, only these are good ones!

Prompt: Everyone has a beginning. You can write about yours or share the beginning of recovery or the beginning of  your family, your faith, your work, etc. Maybe there’s something you’re beginning right now. “Beginning” means different things to different people.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: NOW

June Blog Challenge Day 15: NOW

Now is so terrifying I can't even begin to describe it.  But it's getting better!  And it changes, actually.  Cause right *now* I am panicking about all the work that has to be done to close up my classroom for the summer, and not a lot of time to do so.  This year is more challenging than previous years because construction is being done, which requires a lot more room prep than ever before.

Right now, I'm sad that today is the last day of school with my beloved class.  They are such an incredible group, and while I'm always sad when I say goodbye to my class on the last day of school, this year it's even tougher.

Right now, I'm not looking forward to summer as much as I'd like.  I thrive on structure and schedule, and without the imposed schedule of the school year... I will struggle.

However.

Sometimes, the moments are really quite nice.  Those moments where I wish *now* would never end.  The further I get into recovery, the more those moments appear.  I do like it when they happen, because it makes now a lot less scary.

Ironically, I really do try to take things one day at a time, one step at a time, one task at a time, sometimes, one bite at a time.  That helps me live in the now a bit better.

Ok, well, maybe I'm getting a bit better at now, I just don't like it... yet!

Prompt: Do you know how to live in the now? Is this something you are trying to learn? Is now scary? Freeing? Is now a hard concept for you?

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: CROWD

June Blog Challenge Day 12: CROWD

I have two siblings, both younger.  They both love being around people.  They love being the center of attention.  In fact, I actually kind of enjoy watching them when they're in their element, because they really do shine!

Me?  People?  Not so much.  I don't enjoy being in crowded places.  I actually avoid situations where I know there will be lots of people.  One year, I had a last minute gift to pick up from the mall at the holiday time.  My least favorite time to shop (yes, I'm one of those people who usually has my holiday shopping done by Halloween, if only to avoid the crowds!) I actually spent like $15 on valet just so I didn't have to walk through the crowded parking lot, and instead could pull up right to the door of the mall nearest the store I needed, ran in, got what I needed, and ran out.  Parking that day cost me more than $1 a minute.

I know I'm not alone when I say this... but it doesn't matter how big of a crowd I'm in, I always feel alone.  Mind you, I don't consider myself to be very lonely, I'm just really good at being alone.  Even when surrounded by lots of people.  Yes, I have a lot of anxiety which is worsened when it's crowded.  But I think it's more that my head has always been so crowded with my thoughts, that there has never been much room for other people.  I'm so self-conscious and acutely aware of just how different I am, I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, I don't know how to be comfortable around others.  Yet.

The nice thing is that I'm learning to deal with my anxiety, and with the constant stream of thoughts that are never in short supply.  Maybe one day I won't mind crowds.  Maybe it's something I'll live with for the rest of my life.  But I don't have to make that decision right now, my head is too crowded with other things!

Prompt: Do you like crowds? Hate them?  Do you feel happy in a crowd or alone? Does a crowd cause anxiety? Why do you  think this is? Let your mind open when you see this word and go from there.