The "L" Word

Today I was posed with a task that is proving to be way more of a challenge than it should be.

See, I just returned from a brief vacation with my family (first time in for-ev-er!) and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the trip.  (Never, ever thought I'd say that!)  Anyway, it was suggested to me by someone I very much trust and respect that I send a thank you note to my parents, who I know worked quite hard to make sure I (and my high maintenance requests) were accommodated and that I was comfortable with everyone.

The thank you, though an idea I never would have had, was fine.  I could do that, no problem.  But somehow, it led into another conversation that still, hours later, has me unable to press send on the thank you note.

How do you close a letter to your parents when you really don't have the greatest of relationships, when they are "overly interested" in being in your world, and when there are absolutely zero boundaries?

I wanted to sign it with something simple, like "xoxox" but that isn't what was suggested.  I played around with a few others, such as "with appreciation" and "hugs" but again, not what was suggested.

The "L" word is what was suggested.  More specifically, I was encouraged to close the thank you with "I L you" but I can't.  I just can't.  The "L" word has such strength behind it, I just don't feel like I can use it with my family.  (Yes, I know I'm referring to the "L" word as "it," just goes to show how uncomfortable that word makes me feel.

So, in an effort to understand what the closing actually means, I did what any anxiety-ridden techie does - I went to Google.  I was enlightened, but still.... yeah....

So it turns out that signing a note or letter "love ya" actually is less "strong" as signing "love you" and that is less strong than signing "I love you" or "love always," which are quite strong and serious.  Then there are the variety of signatures that hold similar connotation and strengths, such as "affectionately," and "ever yours," and adoringly," and "with love" and all the other closings that make my stomach churn.

Don't get me wrong, I can liberally use the "L" word in the "right" setting.  Like saying "I love my dog," or "I LOVE maple walnut fudge."  In that situation, the "L" word fits without hesitation.  It's when applying it to people......

Growing up, every single phone conversation with my parents ended with "Love you" which drastically diluted the meaning of the "L" word, and contributed to my aversion to using it.  To me, it's got power and, well, how shall I put it..... power, strength, and an overwhelming amount of warmth that fill it, I just don't like using it unless it's really all those things.  Guess that's part of growing up with the deep scars in which I did, and learning to overcome my aversion while accepting the scars is part of the work my team and I are in for..... Oy.

Guess I better go send that email........

My Anxious Heart

"Depression is when you can't feel at all. Anxiety is when you feel too much. Having both is a constant war within your own mind. Having both means never winning." 

Katie Crawford, My Anxious Heart

Photo Credit

A friend sent me the link to this article about My Anxious Heart, a photo series depicting anxiety and depression with photography instead of just words.  While I found all the photos in the series so spot on and relateable, it was the quote above that got me. 

On top of the eating disorder, which is thankfully under control these days, both anxiety and depression reside inside me.  There are days where my depression is so thick I can't lift my head from my pillow in the morning.  There are days when my anxiety is so strong walking from the bedroom to the living room has me short of breath.

Sometimes I miss the numbness the eating disorder provided, it was a more tolerable numbness than the one depression carries.  Depression numb is being in the dark with no light in sight, where as the eating disorder numb is more dissociative.  Both leave me feeling rather care-less.

I struggle with lots of things I see on Facebook, and I actually stopped reading the newspaper and watching the news nearly two years ago.  Why?  Because I feel too much.  Because I'd see a story about a town in need, and my heart would break for the citizens of the town.  I'd see a story about a child who won the battle with cancer, and my heart would crack open even further for the pain they had to go through.  Feeling so much, so intensely, leaves me gasping for breath.

I don't like that I agree with the author, that "having both means never winning," but I do.  I feel like the delicate balance, the grey area, so to speak, is so hard to find, and once it's found, it is nearly impossible to stay for long.  Being in one extreme, depression, is no better than the other extreme, anxiety, at least for me.  I aim to reside in the grey area.

And yet, it seems impossibly elusive.
(That's what the depression says.)

And the idea of the grey area is terrifying.
(That's the anxiety talking.)

Still, I plug on.  I see my therapist twice a week and my dietitian once a week and the rest of my team as needed and I plug on.  They haven't given up.  So I won't either.

I Bought the Wrong Butter

You probably didn't realize there was a "wrong" butter to buy.

Well, when you're recovering from an eating disorder, there is.  Or, at least for me there is.

For the last as-long-as-I-can-remember years, I've always, always, always bought sticks of butter.  Preferably the quarter sticks.  They're easier to measure, I mean, cut.

Last week, I was in such a rush as I flew through the grocery store, I grabbed the butter my parents usually buy.  With only two ingredients, I was fine with that (the fewer ingredients the better, as always) I grabbed the tub of butter of the shelf and headed to the check out.  For once, I only had the items in my basket that I specifically walked in to get.

Tub.

Of butter.

Me?

Really?

Ooopsie.....

But I survived.

And I'm actually using the butter-in-a-tub.  It tastes the same, it still works, and it actually spreads easier right out of the fridge.  The only problem is that it's not nearly as easy to measure.  To track how much I used.  To count the exact calories needed.  I mean, sure, I know how much I'm eating, I'm just not able to be as precise as I'd like.  As precise as I'm used to being.

Positive growth?  Step forward in recovery?  Maybe.  Rather fear-inducing?  Yup.

Three..... ish

Three year blogg-a-versary.  Sorta.  Cause I kinda skipped 2 months.  I mean, during those months I wrote blogs, I just never published them.  Maybe I will.  Maybe I'll pre-date them so they show up in the chronological order they were meant to be in.  Maybe not. 

But for now.....

I can't believe it's been three years!  Seriously!  I didn't think I'd have it in me to do this blog thing this long, but you know what?  It's been such a powerful experience, that I now have one for my teaching, too!  That one isn't as busy as this one, cause, well, teachers are busy people and don't always have time to write or read outside of the classroom, but you know.....

I love My Purple Dreams.  I love the name.  I love that I get to be myself here.  I love that my words inspire others (even if they don't inspire me.)  I love that when I look back on where I was, MPD shows me how much progress I've made, even if it doesn't always feel that way.

Three years.  Three long winded years.  Now...... who's up for three more?

Perfection Returns

I'm back.  And battling a perfection complex.  Among other things.  

But I'm back, despite myself, I'm back.

Topic of Conversation?

I had the strangest, yet incredibly inspiring conversation with my students today.

Oddly enough, the conversation topic?  Eczema.

I suffer from eczema, which takes up residence on my face and scalp.  I can hide it pretty well sometimes, but other times, like now, with the seasons changing, it is in a major flare up. 

And I can't hide it.  No matter how hard I try.

So today, as I sat in front of 25 pairs of eyes, and I had white blotches all over my face.... I decided to be honest with them, and head off any odd stares or questions.

"Do I have white stuff all over my face?" I asked them.  They all nodded, rather solemnly, at that.  "I have eczema, which means spots of my skin get all itchy and flaky sometimes.  Today is one of those times.  I know it looks funny, sort of like a clown...." (more nods, and a few giggles,) "but if I'm not careful, it really starts to hurt!  And this morning, I was in such a hurry to get to school, I forgot to put my cream on.  So I put it on just now, and that's what all the white splotches are."

Silence.  I was a little worried.  I've never been that blatant about my eczema before, with anyone (except my treatment team, of course)  And here I was, explaining it to a bunch of 8-9-10 year olds.

A small miracle happened that really made my heart leap just a little bit.  One by one, students started sharing their experiences with eczema.  Some have it themselves, and as one child said "In the winter, I have to put TWO layers of cream all over my body in the morning!"  While another chirped up "My sister has it all over her belly and back, I rub the lotion on for her sometimes."  And another, "I have it all over my hands and arms, and in the winter, it gets so bad it sometimes bleeds!" 

The stories kept coming.  And no one said yuck or gross or eww or anything.  Even when several kids chimed in that they too, experience cracking skin and bleeding when it gets bad.

No one flinched.

For some reason, it felt like a very important conversation to me.  I grew up so ashamed of all my "issues"..... I don't know why, it might have been one that rolled off their backs never to be thought of again..... but deep down, I'm hoping that it showed the kids that sometimes, the things we might not like about our bodies, aren't as bad as we think they are, because we're not alone in our struggles.......

Day 20: Getting Real

A struggle.  Present day.  Like, something I'm dealing with now.  Working on now.  Kinda goes along with the Day 16 post about difficulties. 

Difficulties.  Life is full of them.  What makes them liveable is how you choose to respond to those difficulties.  And I don't always respond well.

I'm........... a little embarrassed to admit........... how much I'm struggling with this whole idea of growing up.  I mean, I'm in my 30's. 
I'm chronologically an adult.  Except I feel like anything but.  I am so lost in this identity discovery, something kids usually go through as they make their way in and out of adolescence and teenage time and early adulthood.

I'm digging my heels in.  I'm white knuckling it.  I'm resisting.  Because I'm ascared.  I skipped those growing-up experiences the first time through, and while logically I know that the way to "fill those holes" is to let myself go through the experiences now.  But I must have skipped them for a reason, so to re-live something I avoided the first time? 

Let's just say my therapist has her hands full with me these days.  And I'm so, so, so, SO grateful to have her on my team.

Day 20 Prompt: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

Day 16: Difficulties

Sometimes, it seems like I've been dealt so many challenges in life, that getting out of bed is an effort that isn't necessarily worth it.  Thankfully, though, there are things in my life that *do* make getting out of bed worth it, no matter how hard it is at that moment!

I could pick any number of difficulties that I'm dealing with, as they're concurrent and continuous challenges in my world.  Instead, I'm going to let you into my biggest and most challenging difficulty.

My whole life has been spent catering to others, being who I think they want me to be, doing what I think they want me to do, doing what they actually want me to do, adjusting myself to fit in wherever it is that I am at the moment.  In some ways, that's an asset, as I can often adjust as need be.  But in most ways..... it sucks.  Because here I am, in my mid-thirties, and I have no idea who I am or what I like.  And this has been an incredible challenge as I try to navigate the world in which I live.  I have no idea what I like.  None.  I know I like cereal.  I know I like the color purple.  As far as who I am, I'm a teacher.  That's it. 

I have a lot to learn about myself, and what's making this uber challenging is that no one can tell me the answers to my questions because no one else is me.  My therapist's favorite line seems to be "what do you think?" which is often met with a blank stare and a sarcastic quip of sorts. 

Who am I?  What do I like?  Why are those questions so difficult?  If only I knew!

Day 16 Prompt: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it.

New Blog Challenge!

Yeah!  I finally found another challenge that looks to be right up my alley!  Don't get me wrong, it isn't going to be all fun and roses, but it looks to be one that will definitely make me think, and hopefully, help me grow.

I found the challenge through my bloggy-buddy Amanda over at Therapy Addict.  She participated in it when it began.... which considering the challenge is called Blog Every Day in May, well, you know when she started it!  I was thinking of tackling the challenge in June, but it doesn't have 31 days.  So July it is, and I'm hope, hope, hoping that I'm up for the challenge of daily blogging.  Haven't done that since November's NaBloPoMo! 

With summer in full swing, I need the focus, something to guide my writing, and I'm looking forward to the journey.  If you'd like to follow along, please do so!  All the prompts are listed on the Blog Every Day link, and check out Amanda's prompts on the Therapy Addict blog.  If you're feeling really brave, feel free to join in the challenge!

Excuses

School ended last week, and I celebrated by getting really sick.  Not by choice, mind you.  The timing was uncanny though, school got out Friday, I got sick Saturday night, spent the next 48 hours in the commode, visited the ER, and then spent the next 48 hours laying low and praying food would stay in.  Thank goodness school was out, cause it would have sucked to miss that last week!

On the plus side, mentally, this bug didn't beat me.  Not one bit.  I was surprisingly upbeat and cheery despite the fact that I now know how many tiles are in my bathroom floor.  Except.....

My ex-bff is trying really hard to work his way back into my life.  We haven't spoken in a while, which has been really nice.  But when this bug hit me, he was right there next to me, offering comfort and companionship.

And I've been buying it.  Sort of.  I've been (sort of) using this as an excuse to not eat.  By sort of, I mean that for 48 hours I didn't eat.  I was too sick.  The next 48 hours I really couldn't eat.  Believe me, I tried, but my stomach rejected everything but crackers and bananas.

It's been day one of actual eating, and I'm on a very bland diet..... and he is loving it.  I looked in the mirror this morning and have visibly lost weight over the last 5 days.  It made me smile, looking in the mirror and seeing the smaller body staring back at me.  Even though I know it's so not a good thing..... being happy about losing weight from being sick....

I'm giving myself the week.  That's it.  I've been exhausted and weak, and in no mood to argue with him.  I know that this is a blip in the path.  I know that while I may be enjoying his visit at the moment.... I know he's the worst influence on me, and he views my health completely differently than my team and I do.  A week.  Then it's back to the meal plan.

At least that's my plan.

30 Day Recovery Challenge Questions

While the 30 Day Recovery Challenge is complete, I wanted to put the questions all in one place.  See, when I read a few posts on the site where I found the challenge, Danielle had put all the questions into one post.  That made it nice and easy for me to find the questions, and to participate in the challenge.

And I want to do the same thing for you.  And to help even more, I'm linking each question to my response.  In participating in blog challenges like this, I find it helpful to read some responses prior to writing my own.  It helps me get my head wrapped around the topic.  It also helps with writer's block!

So my friends...... what's stopping you?  Get writing!

(P.S.  You can always substitute the words "eating disorder" with whatever it is you are working on........)

30 Day Recovery Challenge

Day 1 - Where are you in your recovery right now? What are some goals you are working on to help you to move forward in your recovery? 

Day 2 - What part of your eating disorder is hardest for you to overcome or let go of right now?

Day 3 - Give yourself credit for the progress you’ve made - what are some positive steps you’ve taken in recovery, or recent progress that you’ve made?

Day 4 - What motivates you to recover?

Day 5 - Who supports you in your recovery?

Day 6 - Does your family support your recovery? How do they help or hurt your efforts to recover?

Day 7 - What type of treatment are you getting right now? Talk about your current treatment team - are they helpful, do you trust them? Are you honest with them?

Day 8 - Do you have a role model in recovery, or someone who inspires you? Talk about that person.

Day 9 - What do you think caused or contributed to your eating disorder? What are some steps you can take now to work through these issues?

Day 10 - Did you have a turning point or a certain moment that made you decide to recover? Or was it a decision that happened over a long period of time?

Day 11 - What are some enjoyable activities you do which are unrelated to your eating disorder, but help you to cope and feel positive?

Day 12 - Who in your life knows about your eating disorder? Has sharing about your eating disorder been helpful for you?

Day 13 - What are some things - blogs, quotes, books, mantras, etc - that inspire you and keep you motivated?

Day 14 - Describe at least ten things you like about yourself. If you don’t believe those positive things, try to think of praises and compliments other people have given you, and write those down and then make an effort to believe in those compliments.

Day 15 - What does your weight/body image mean to you? How has your body image changed throughout recovery - has it gotten harder or easier to deal with?

Day 16 - What experience(s) has been most helpful your recovery (for example, meeting a supportive friend, deciding to go to therapy, etc)?

Day 17 - What do you want your life to look like when you’re recovered? What are some life goals you have that you think you could only accomplish if you recover?

Day 18 - Do you have any other diagnosed disorders aside from an eating disorder? How are you dealing with these issues? If you don’t have another disorder, what are some psychological issues that affect your eating disorder right now?

Day 19 - What scares you most about recovery?

Day 20 - What scares you most about your eating disorder?

Day 21 - What is something you have learned about yourself in recovery?

Day 22 - Do you think you are fully committed to recovery and willing to do whatever it takes to recover? If not, what do you think is holding you back?

Day 23 - What can you do for yourself when you are having a bad day or struggling which will help you?

Day 24 - What are some examples of things that your eating disorder has taken from you?

Day 25 - What has recovery given you?

Day 26 - What does recovery mean to you?

Day 27 - Do you believe in full recovery?  Why or why not?

Day 28 - What are some things you do that help you cope when you’re having a hard time?

Day 29 - How have you and your life changed from when you were in the worse periods of your eating disorder versus now, in recovery?

Day 30 - Has this recovery challenge helped you, and how?

Good luck with the challenge!  If you do choose to tackle it, please let me know, I'd love to follow your journey!

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 23 + 28

23. What can you do for yourself when you are having a bad day or struggling which will help you?
28. What are some things you do that help you cope when you’re having a hard time?

(I lumped these two together, because I think that I'd end up with two posts saying the same thing if I didn't!) 

There are a few things that are within my power that pick me up on really bad days.  The first thing I do is try to get my breathing under control, as I've learned that as soon as my day starts to go south, my breathing changes.  I often fail at this, but I still try it, as I know that one day it will work, and it is the most portable tool I have.

Another thing that really, really helps me is hearing my therapist's voice.  It may seem strange or silly, but listening to her has an almost instant soothing effect.  Which I need.  Cause when I start to spiral down, her voice almost acts as that life preserver that pulls me back up for air, and gives me the chance to get myself to shore.

Journaling, napping, walking - all things that I try when I'm stuck.  See, the problem I have during bad days or hard times is that I get bowled over into that dark pit of despair, What I need is something to distract me, to get me out of my own way, to help me see the light again.  I actually spent a bit of time a while back, assembling a distraction box.  The distraction box is my "in case of emergency" box and it's come in handy when I just can't get back up, and all else has failed. 

I try to keep in mind the idea that I can start over at any moment, and this too shall pass.  Cause in all honesty, whatever the struggle is, I will overcome it, even if I don't believe so in the moment.  Hard times pass.  Struggles are resolved.  Life keeps moving.  My goal is to hang on for the ride.

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 14

14.  Describe at least ten things you like about yourself. If you don’t believe those positive things, try to think of praises and compliments other people have given you, and write those down and then make an effort to believe in those compliments.

Ugh.  I have been dreading this prompt.  You may know how much I detest loathe despise  I feel about compliments from these previous posts.  And that makes this prompt feel utterly impossible.

But, to maintain the honesty and integrity of this blog that I am so proud of, I'm going to bite.

1.  I am good with technology.
2.  I have a way with children.
3.  I am a good listener.
4.  I am helpful.
5.  I am empathetic. (though right now, I'd love to drop the prefix and spell something else......)
6.  I have a way with words.
7.  I am creative.
8.
9.
10.

My team tries to compliment me.... guess I should probably write their thoughts down for moments like this when I am lacking words.....

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 2

2. What part of your eating disorder is hardest for you to overcome or let go of right now?

This is a very good question... Cause at the moment, I am still really struggling with the idea of eating till full, stopping when full, and recognizing hunger and fullness themselves. Which I suck at. I am supposed to be slowly letting go of having to count and track all my calories in all that I eat.  I am scared to let that part go, partly because I need to have that target number to reach for each day, and partly because I'm terrified of going over that number cause while I know my weight hasn't shifted in nearly six months, I am afraid that if I eat over the total, I will immediately start to gain weight which terrifies me.

So, in a nutshell, I'm having a hard time letting go of the counting and tracking.  The fear in letting go of that element of control is that I'm afraid of gaining weight above where I am, since this is finally a healthy weight for my body, and where I want it to stay.

I do like the idea of letting go of counting as it would free up such brain space.... But I'm afraid of what could fill that space as the counting vacates....

A Foodie Post

It's no secret that food and I don't get along. With the plethora of allergies I have to deal with, it's no wonder cereal is my favorite meal - it's easy, it doesn't leave me covered in hives, and it doesn't wreak havoc on my digestive system.

Thankfully, my nutritionist has the patience of a saint and she's always looking for creative ways for me to expand my palate. Right now, we're working on increasing my daily intake of vegetables, and last week, she shared this great idea - creating veggie boxes.  What you do is prep and pack ahead of time, so that you have these little boxes, full of veggies, ready to grab and toss in a lunch bag, briefcase, whatever!

For me, the big task is getting things prepped and packed each day, so considering I can pack this up for the whole week? I'm giving it a try.  I bought my three favorite vegetables - sweet peppers, cucumbers, and broccoli. I washed em and chopped them and packed them all up!

I gave it a try last week, and surprisingly, I ended up eating all my veggies!  So far this week, I'm two for two in the veggie jar department. Tonight, I packed four days worth of veggie jars... wish me luck!

Another month says farewell

Well folks, November is coming to an end for 2012. 

Though it's a 30 day month, I swear, it has felt twice as long to me.

                                                         Highlights of the month:

• NaBloPoMo!  I loved meeting so many bloggers and their blogs - many were added to my blog list, and I'm excited to keep in touch with my new friends!
• Meeting my new best friend!  This pup has been such a joy to have.  While he hasn't fixed all my problems or lifted my depression, he sure has brought more comfort into my world.
• Making the best pie I've ever made for Thanksgiving dessert.

Lowlights of the month:

• Stupid depression.... plummeted over the last few weeks.... 
• I'm in the process of a med adjustment, which is never fun.

Finally, a brief response to NaBloPoMo's prompt for today:

Through this month's NaBloPoMo challenge, I learned that being real on my blog is actually helpful and inspiring to others.  I've been hesitant, at times, in posting how I'm *really* doing, for fear of turning away my readers.  I now see how sharing my reality, which has always been therapeutic for me, has actually connected me with complete strangers, and made me feel a lot less alone!

And that, my friends, is the end of NaBloPoMo!  

Or as Porky Pig likes to say, "That's all folks!"

A New Day

I am a huge fan of Anne of Green Gables.  In particular, the friendship between Anne and Diana always makes me smile.  They truly are kindred spirits.

It's been a hell of a weekend.  Seriously.  A long visit with my dietitian has me slightly very anxious about some pretty major changes we are making in my meal plan.  It is not going to be easy.  And I'm not looking forward to this.  But she's really good at turning challenges into opportunities, and I hope her attitude rubs off on me.  Cause this is one challenge I'm not thrilled with, no matter how much my friend logic says it's the best way to handle a lousy situation.

So I'm thinking about tomorrow, and how I get to start fresh, with a brand new day.  Kind of like a crisp, clean, piece of paper just waiting to be drawn or written on.  Or a new blog post just waiting to be written......

Fairy Tales and Inner Dragons

I finally found a way to describe the inner turmoil that plays out in my mind on a fairly regular basis.  I've got this nasty little inner "dragon" that constantly is breathing fire down my back.  It's MY voice in my head that's heating things up for ME.

Well, it's time to hire a dragon slayer to help me slay the beast in my brain.  I know it's not going to be easy, after all, it took 30 years for this dragon to grow, I'm not going to be able to slay it overnight.  It's going to take some time to replace the voice that once belonged to others and eventually became my own worst enemy, with a positive one. 

The challenge is internalizing that positive voice, and making it my own.  Oh, yes, I have already found one to listen to, thankfully.  And once I internalize that voice?  This dragon's days are numbered.  (Yeah, I know, the number may be in the high triple digits at the moment, but they are numbered nonetheless!)

World Mental Health Day

Did you know that today is World Mental Health Day?  I didn't, at least not until I read a tweet about it from Psych Central.  They are actually hosting a blog party in celebration of the event!  Those participating are encouraged to share their story, experiences, or anything related to mental health.

I thought I'd start with a few facts from the World Health Organization.

• Depression affects more than 350,000,000 people, nearly 10% of the adult population?
• Depression doesn't discriminate by age, community, race, religion - anything.
• Only one-fifth of those with mental illness will receive treatment and care needed for the condition.
• 75% of visits to the doctor are due to stress-related ailments.
• More than three out of four employees who get the care and treatment needed for their condition see drastic improvement in work performance.

(more facts here)

My story is no different than thousands of others... and you can read about it throughout the pages of my blog, as it's an ongoing life experience for me.

I was 14 the first time I journaled about suicide.  I was 16 when a clearly laid out plan was thwarted, thankfully.  I've been in and out of therapy ever since, thanks to a teacher, who finally got my parents to see how much help I needed.  They weren't capable of understanding me, no matter how much they tried.  I don't blame them any more, but it doesn't make the longing for what could have been hurt any less.

I was 13 when my anorexic tendencies took over, though at that point, no one noticed.  Graduating from high school sucked, it was a very traumatic summer.  College was rocky as well, though I found my true calling as an educator, and while anxiety nearly cost me my college education, I managed to graduate and get an awesome job teaching in a school where I've now spent the last 10 years.

Fast forward through several other therapists (seen anywhere from 4 months to 18 months) and many, many visits to a variety of doctors for a variety of ailments (some were legitimate medical issues, others completely anxiety related.)  With all those doctors appointments, it's kind of odd that no one picked up on my eating disorder until just last year.  I kept it well under wraps, and it kept my emotions well under control, or so I thought.

Being blessed with multiple mental health issues, including major depression and anxiety, definitely has it's challenges.  It is a constant struggle to take care of myself, and to do what needs to be done to lead a fairly productive life.  Some days are obviously better than others, as I do have a great job that I love and often times, it's the only reason I do get out of bed.

But some days the depression takes over, and I want to roll over and stay buried under the covers until the weekend is over, and I get to go back to work on Monday.  Strange, I know.  I've learned over the years that I thrive on structure, and structure is very strong at work, but nearly non-existent at home.

Thanks to an incredible treatment team, including my doctor, therapist, and dietitian, I am doing better than ever.  While I am not "cured" nor will I likely ever be completely rid of my depression and it's pals, I am more able to sustain good days, and not let the bad days suck me down as deep as they used to.

Don't get me wrong, I can still (and do) fall off the face of the earth for days at a time, especially when I have time off work.  I can't even say that those days are few and far between, because right now, they're pretty regular weekend guests.  But I can finally say that I know what it's like to trust people, as I have complete trust in my treatment team and I am forever grateful for their support.  It is worth every penny, every minute, every tear of my being to work with them. 

Cause without them.... without my doctor (who is amazing,) who sent me to my therapist (whom I adore,) who sent me to my dietitian (whom I also adore,) I'd become another negative statistic.  And that is something I'd rather avoid.

Challenge 12, Part 3: EMBRACE

This background for this quote was taking at an incredible 5K event.  I've never run a 5K, but after being there, my goal is to complete that same event next year. 

Yeah, um.  I'm so not there yet.  My body might be the most amazing thing that I'll ever own, but more often than not, I don't feel like I "own" it, instead, I feel like my body "owns" me.  I mean, I have to deal with all the aches and pains that come from years of mistreatment.  I have to deal with the allergies, the sensitivities, the maintenance, all the stuff that isn't fun.

And all the while I really do try to remind myself that my body is a gift, and that others would be grateful to be in this vessel.

Truthfully, as much as I don't like my body, I really am grateful for it.  Even though there are bodies out there that I'd much prefer, I could have ended up with a body much worse off than the one I'm in.

How does this all fit in the "embrace" genre?  Well, I have fully embraced the idea that this body is mine, for the rest of my life.  Though right now I'm not fond of it, I'm reminded pretty regularly by my team that I'm actually doing a pretty good job taking care of not only my body, but of my mind, too.  I never thought I'd embrace therapy and this taking-care-of-me crap, but it turns out, while I was resisting the concept of self-care, I was actually doing exactly that - taking care of my self.

Funny how things work sometimes......