What I Do vs Who I Am

My therapist says that what we do is who we are.   

What I Do:
I teach 25 pairs of ears how to be respectful listeners.
I teach 25 pairs of eyes how to read, write, and do math, discover, and look deeper.
I teach 25 pairs of hands how to play fair, cooperate, and explore.
I teach 25 mouths to ask questions, to communicate kindly, and share knowledge.
I teach 25 brains how to think, wonder, and reflect; how to be curious, and creative.
I teach 25 hearts how to be thoughtful, empathetic, and giving; caring and brave.
I teach from my heart...... and I'm pretty good at what I do.

Who I am:
I am the daughter of dysfunctional parents.
I am the sister of challenging siblings.
I am lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem.
I am an unsuccessful peace-keeper.
I am filled with self-doubt and worry. 
I am unsure of myself.
I am afraid of the world.

Continuing on the theme of trust, and holding on to the idea that my therapist believes what we do is who we are, well......

I think what I do is pretty darn awesome.  If only I could merge with who I am, more like who I *think* I am.....

I trust my therapist, so hopefully that means the merger will happen soon?

Trust

Trust.
Five letters.
Just five little letters.
Four consonants, one vowel.
A loaded word if I ever saw one.

I trust few people in this world.  Very few.  I attribute that to the fact that I have been hurt so many times by people I was supposed to be able to trust....... people who took advantage of me, who hurt me, who deceived me....... who "earned" my trust by building me up, only to abuse that trust, until I finally broke.

Now, I deal with the intense fear that the world is an unkind, unsafe place, full of untrustworthy people.  At least that's the reality I created for myself, based on my past experiences.

But it's time to change that.  It's time to start giving people the benefit of the doubt.  Now, we're not talking trusting complete strangers here.  We're talking members of my treatment team, my two BFFs, and a few colleagues here and there.... people that are deemed "safe" in my world.

Except I'm SO freaking afraid to trust.

My therapist said something that really stuck in my head.  She said that telling me not to be afraid wouldn't be helpful.  Instead, she told me that even though I'm scared, she thinks it will be worth it to push through that fear and trust this person, the newest member of my treatment team.  Trust that this person, who has given me no reason not to trust her, is trustworthy.  My therapist trusts this team member.  I trust my therapist.  I totally and completely trust my therapist.

So I guess it's time for me to try and trust this team member, too......

Homework

I rarely get homework from my therapist.  I sometimes wish she'd give me homework more often.  At least until I actually get homework.  You know how that goes - you wish for something, then when you get it, you regret wishing for it in the first place?  Yep.  I'm there.

We've been dancing around the topic of self-image.  Mine is sucks.  Like, seriously sucks.  I have such a twisted perception of myself - both in how I look and in who I am.  I see nothing but flaws and failures.

Well, supposedly I am the only person that sees me this way.  My therapist *promised* me that no one else sees me the way I see me.  She also made a point of reminding me that she's never lied to me in the past.  She's always honest.  She is right about that.

Which means that I have two choices:
I can trust her, taking her word that no one else sees me the way I do. 
or
I can actually ask others what they see in me.

Because I rarely follow the rules, I chose both.

I DO trust my therapist, more than anyone else on this planet.  And she has never lied to me.  Ever.  Everything she tells me is honest, sometimes brutally honest, but always spoken with care.  Yet, I need a little help in trying to see me from the kinder eye of others.

So I've selected a select few, whom I trust more than most (which says a lot, since I trust few!) to ask the question "what do you see when you see me?"  My request was specific, I only want facts (thank you DBT!) as it is more helpful to work with facts than opinions (also known sometimes as judgements in the DBT world.)

Now....... I wait...... and hold on to the fact that I trust my therapist..... I trust my therapist..... I trust my therapist......

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 12

12. Who in your life knows about your eating disorder? Has sharing about your eating disorder been helpful for you?

Well, the people in my life that know about my eating disorder are very few, exceptionally few outside of my treatment team.

Medical Allies
1. My doctor
2. My dietitian

3. My therapist
4. My psychaitrist
5. My cardiologist

Non-medical supportive Allies
1. BFF -EH
2. BFF -JC
3. mentor - AT
4. mentor - SB

Non-medical, 
non-supportive Allies
1. Friend - LK
2. Friend - KA
3. Friend - KH
4. Friend - LD
5. Sister (horrible choice on my part to disclose to her)

Sharing my eating disorder has been really challenging.  The supportive peers that took it well have been very helpful.  But telling those that I thought would be able to be supportive, and weren't..... that was painful.  Quite painful.  Which is hard, cause sometimes I just want to vent, to talk about it, to complain, to puzzle through something, and as those moments can't be scheduled, it doesn't always work out to talk about that to anyone on my treatment team.  Would I change who I told?  In hindsight, yes.  I would not have told the group that are non-supportive.  Ironically, they all have something in common, and that probably is part of why they aren't supportive.

Ok, this post was long and rambly- love those long answers to short questions!

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 7

7. What type of treatment are you getting right now? Talk about your current treatment team - are they helpful, do you trust them? Are you honest with them?

I am currently working with an Ah-May-Zing team that have been with me from the start.  When things were first starting, and really bad (so for the first year of treatment) I was seeing my primary care doctor once a month, my dietitian once a week, and my therapist three times a week.

As I have grown, my treatment has adjusted as needed.  I have always felt supported, and just because I am seeing my team less frequently, didn't change the support and care I receive.  Currently, I see my primary care doctor every other month, my dietitian every other week, and my therapist twice a week.

I trust my team completely.  I have never trusted anyone the way I trust them.  My therapist knows more about me than anyone, she knows things that I never anticipated sharing.  Ever.

I am honest with them.  I actually used to joke that I will screw up and make dumb choices, but I will always come clean about what I've done.  These days, I'm screwing up less, and making slightly fewer dumb choices, and even better, sometimes I can confess to what I want to do before I do it, saving the pain of the lesson.

I love them all.  Even when I don't love what they tell me.

Challenge 7, Part 6: Beauty

For my final post in the Beauty week, I'm going to pull together a few old posts on the topic, and intersperse a few new quotes too.  I hope that when I revisit these posts, I'll be able to look back and believe they apply to me... believe that beauty does describe me, not just inside, but outside, too.  Thank goodness there is no time limit on inner work... cause it is going to take a long time to get there, but my team is pretty positive I'll make it... and they haven't been wrong yet!

Anyway... here are some past ponderings on the topic...

October 2011: What is Beauty?

March 2012: The B Word

April 2012: Beauty

June 2012: Soul    Face

August 2012: Health & Beauty

I like this quote in the topic of beauty, because I think we tend to close our eyes to what we really see, and stop looking for the beauty because we are so sure we won't find it within ourselves.  But as this quote says, when we look carefully.... those secrets that are hidden everywhere?  Chances are pretty good that they'll reveal the true beauty in which you didn't even realize you were looking for....

I really like this quote by Thoreau... because again, it is so true!  We can choose to see things however we'd like - meaning, if I am in a good mood, I tend to notice positive qualities- kindness, beauty, grace.... But if I'm crabby?  I see ugly, heartless negativity.  So look at this picture?  What do you see?  The beautiful sunset?  Pine trees glowing from the backlight of the clouds?  The telephone poles off in the distance that allow communication to happen so effortlessly?  Or do you see the stop sign?  What else can you see?  Do you see the beauty?

Secrets

I am a good listener.  People tell me things.  I am glad to hold on to their secrets because I know how good it feels to have someone else hold my secrets.

Want to see lots of secrets? 
Check out www.postsecretcommunity.com

The thing is, these days... I don't have many secrets.  I've become a great tattletale.

No, you don't have to worry.  If you gave me a secret to hold, I'll hold it till you tell me otherwise.

I'm talking about tattling on myself.  I'm great at telling on me.

Lately, well, for the past year or so, I've been great at doing stupid things.  Like really, really dumb things.  Things that could get me into a heap of trouble.  No, not that kind of trouble.  I'm not that dumb.  The kind of trouble that ends up hurting only me.  The kind of stupid that causes me to suffer more, that causes me to hurt, that causes damage to my body.

And when I do things like that, I have such a guilty conscience, that I have no choice but to tell on myself.  It's the right thing to do.  It's the right thing to do, and if I ever want to grow past this self-loathing phase I seem to be in, it's the only thing to do.

Sometimes I don't even realize I have a secret... sometimes I've let myself get so wrapped up in the illusion that I don't even realize I've been lying to myself for days.  Not good.

I guess it's good that with my team, no secret stays secret for long.  Well, it's a good thing AND a challenge... cause with this team, there can be no secrets.  I have to keep it real, keep it honest, and keep telling on myself... 

I just hate those secrets that are so hard to tell the fist time, and then I have to repeat it enough times so that everyone is in the loop.  Guess it's a good thing I like to talk...

Here's a secret I'll share with you.
Yes, you.

When it comes to Secrets... One Republic explains em really nicely....

Sadness

"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad.  

You know, when sad tries to bite it's lip and not cry and 

smile and go "no, I'm happy for you."  That's when it's really sad." 

-- John Mayer

I'm sad.  I'm really, really sad.  And I can't shake it.  It's been building for a few weeks.  I knew the day would arrive.  I knew I'd be sad.  I just figured that since I'd been prepared for it for months, that it wouldn't be as hard.  But it was.  And the sadness?  That's even harder.

A friend of mine told me a story about her daughter.  When her daughter was 2, the family moved abroad for two years.  They came back to visit a few times a year, and each time they left, their little girl, so smart for her age, would never say goodbye.  Instead, she said see you later or something of the like.

I get it.

Saying goodbye hurts.  It hurts so much I can't put words to it.  But saying see you later is a lot less finite, a lot less hurt-filled.

For me, at least in this case, I don't think it would have mattered how I said it.  It was going to hurt.  A lot.  A lot more than I was prepared for.  Thing is, in the grand scheme of things, it's just a short farewell.  Just a few short months (15 weeks) until  that painful goodbye turns into a cheerful welcome back.

It's going to hurt for a while.  I'm going to be sad about it for a while.  I'm going to cry about it for a while.  All that might be perfectly normal for the situation, but I still don't like it.  I don't like that I spent my last 45 minutes with this person in tears, and not the pretty "dab at the corner of your eye with a lace hanky" tears.  The messy ones.  The  "I hate that someone is even looking at me cause I'm that much of a mess" tears.  Unfortunately, as much as we've been preparing for this day, this departure, there have been more messy tears than I care to admit.

Supposedly all this sadness and emotional stuff is a really good thing.  It means that I allowed myself to trust someone enough to care about them, and to let them care about me... which is why their departure hurts so much.  Both the sadness and the tears are natural and appropriate in this situation.  Supposedly all this is a good thing.

I think it's a load of crap.

I guess it's good that I have the next 15 weeks to deal with it. 

For now, this sadness and these tears just suck.  Anger was easier to deal with than this.