Positive? Positive.

Tonight my dietitian asked me to find something positive in my world.  I was quickly and easily able to rattle off all sorts of positives, yet they ALL had to do with school.  There were two exceptions to that rule-- the peanut and the Pup.  While they both bring me lots of joy and add oodles of positivity to my world, the rest?  All at school.

No matter what happens at school, I find the positive.  I look for and find the silver linings.  The lessons.  The learning experiences.  A student fails at a task or project?  I help them find the learnings, and figure out what they can do differently to reach a different outcome next time.  A colleague feels unsuccessful with an attempt at a new tool or lesson approach?  We sit down and find the parts that felt awesome, and build from there.  Just today, a colleague tried something brand new, and it only sorta worked.  She was not a happy camper, and felt very much defeated.  With her team, we worked to remind her of the successes in the experience, the positives.

I'm great at helping others get there, reach the positive place.  What about me?

Nope.  I suck at it.  At least I suck at it for now.  (In other words, I'm not there, yet.)

Why is it so hard?  I get that I'm not alone in the self-inflicted negative self-talk.  I know that many, many others are challenged by this.  But I'm talking me, here.  And I need to figure out how to shift my perspective.

Example.  Horrible stomach ache for nearly a week.  Like, bubbly, volcanic eruptions that keep me close to the porcelain throne.  After about a half hour (I think, I don't keep track of time during sessions) chatting with my dietitian, she asked me if I still had a stomach ache.  Surprisingly (at least to me) it had subsided dramatically.  Why?  Cause she, like my therapist, has a knack for getting me out of my head.  Which I need. 

Inside my head, the positive island is tiny, and frequently empty.  The negative island is always hopping.  Sure, there are a few other islands -- school, pup, Aunt-hood, knowledge, creativity -- but the one I seem to spend the most time on is negative island.  (If you don't get the whole island thing, go watch Inside Out.  Trust me, it will be worth it.)  While my finances and schedule won't allow for daily visits to dietitian island and therapist island, the goal isn't to rely on them for getting me out of my head.  The goal is to take what I'm learning through them and apply it to me outside of my time with them.

Perspective shift - from my world outside of school is negative and sucks, to my world is full of tiny bits of positive every where I go - is required.  If only it were as easy as shifting from park to reverse....

P.S.  I did find something positive that wasn't connected to school -- I have a new toothbrush that I love!  For me that's big, cause the dentist and I don't get along well, but my teeth and this new toothbrush?  Awesome!

Picture Day

There is one day of the year where parents win the battle of what to wear, brushed hair, and washed faces.  Picture Day.  It's the day everyone in elementary school panics, making sure the kids get their pictures snapped before they head to gym or recess, so they don't muss up their appearance for the day.
Recently, my school experienced our annual picture day.  400 shiny, smiley faces, all dolled up, patiently waited for their class to be called.  Interspersed between the class photos, teachers and staff members slipped in, cringing as they sat on the stool in front of the back drop, waiting for the camera flash to pass, and comparing this year's picture with the pictures of colleagues nearby.

This year marked the 30th school picture in a row.  In a row.  Yup.  I've been in school since I was in kindergarten, and without missing a year, my picture has been taken every year since.  All of elementary school, all of junior high, all of high school, all of college, and since I went straight from college to the classroom, I truly never missed a year.

Part of me wants to have all of those pictures in my hands right now, so I can line them up and compare how adorable I was as a child, to how absolutely and completely anti-adorable I am as an adult.  It would be a great excuse for a beat-the-crap-out-of-me session that could span many hours.  Productive?  Nope.  But likely exactly what would happen should I get my hands on all 30 pictures.

Another part of me wants to compare the last 12 years worth of pictures, all my years in the classroom as a teacher, and see what changes I notice.  Unfortunately, that will also result in a less-than-pleasant me-bashing experience.

Like many recovering from eating issues, appearance is a sticking point for me.  I whole heartedly believe the lies I tell myself - that I am hideous, a monster, a mirror-breaker, that my appearance makes me impossible to befriend, much less love.

I know they're lies, logically.  My therapist reminds me that they are lies I tell myself, and that I've been telling them to myself
for so long, I now believe them, even though they logically don't fit.  I know that.  I mean, I head into the grocery store and no one avoids me in the aisles.  I walk into school and no one - kids included - run from me.  I guess I don't look that bad outside, even if that's how I feel on the inside.

This year, picture day was a very reflective one.  Looking at my picture, I kinda didn't recognize the person looking back at me.  That person is put together, coordinated in dress, a warm smile, and wrinkly eyes that show laughter.  That person looks like someone who knows what they're doing.  It looks like someone who can take charge and accomplish things.

Which is what I kinda do.....

So while it IS most definitely my picture, and this IS what others see when they see me..... what's it gonna take for me to see the "me" that they see?  What's it gonna take for me to shut down the lies, once and for all, and replace them with truths?  Something has to change.  And while picture day might not ever be a favorite day, one day, hopefully, I will look at my school picture and go "oh, yeah, I like that person!"

Thankfully, I have a long career ahead of me, with many more picture days to practice!

Things Happen

Bad days happen.  Sometimes they're isolated incidents, sometimes they string themselves together for what feels like an endless spell of yuck.

Today was one of those days.

From the moment I woke up, I spent my time trying to catch my breath.  I spent every second trying to convince myself to participate in the world today.  My to-do list sat, waiting for the purple pen to check things off.

It's a weird kind of paralysis that takes over when I reach the tipping point where I spent today.  Where the overwhelm of life literally renders me useless.  Where even breathing is a challenge.

The thing about today's bad day is that it was brought about because of a potentially amazing opportunity.  Bad day?  Amazing opportunity?  I know.  Believe me, I know.  It makes no sense.  I get that.  Logically, this is all to familiar to me.  A great opportunity arises, or some other good news crosses my path, and instead of logical emotions, like being excited, or happy, I freak out.  Or, more accurately I get so excited, and conflictingly, so scared, that I end up paralyzed.

Which leads me to here.

The good news is that I did manage to get myself to functioning and went to see the peanut this evening.  The bad news is that as soon as I left, paralysis set in again.

I know that being overwhelmed doesn't need to be a bad thing.  It can be energizing and motivating and exciting.  I just need some help convincing my nervous system, or whatever part of me it is that controls the paralysis and it's buddy overwhelm, that it doesn't need to be bad.  Anyone up for it?

Wish vs Reality

Perception.  Perspective.  Whatever you want to call it, sometimes mine is off.

Good news is that at least I'm now starting to recognize when it's presenting an inaccurate picture!  If only that could happen a bit more frequently....

Here's an example.  (Disclaimer: I am not a Trekkie, though I did enjoy the two most recent films.)  My therapist and I were talking about emotions and how some people are better able to manage theirs, while others (like me) are managed BY their emotions.  She suggested I watch Star Trek (yeah, she's that awesome, you can be jealous) and pay close attention to Kirk and Spock.

So I did. 

And as my therapist and I reflected on the movie, I realized that I am such a Kirk - my emotions are ever-present, driving much of my day.  However, Spock, on the other hand, is pretty darn emotionless, living among an acute sense of logic.  (Reminds me of Sheldon!)

I want to be Spock.

Reality is, a balance of both Kirk's emotions and Spock's lack of emotions would be more appropriate to strive for, but, with my extreme "Kirk-like" emotion, even if I shoot for Spock's opposite extreme, I'd likely end up in the middle.

Here's another one.  Earlier this week as I was walking out of my house, I gave my usual cursory glance to make sure everything was set.  This time, though, I noticed that while I got rid of loads and loads of excessive "stuff" over the past two years, I still have more to get rid of.  In my mind, I see myself as a minimalist.  My house says otherwise, though.  No, I'm not by any means a hoarder.  I can't stand the pileup of superfluous stuff.  I'm more of a pack rat.  Kinda comes with the teaching territory, you never know when that really cool plastic take out container might come in handy.

Years into therapy, I can now see that my perception of myself and my world is very much twisted and, well, pretty messed up.  Knowing this, though, is going to help me change the prescription of my lenses, so to speak, and help me see reality as it is, not as I wish it to be.  Thank g-d there's still years of therapy to come......!

Outside In - Take 2

Had to post this comic I just found.  

SO what goes through my head every single time I am out in public.  Every.  Single.  Time.

Good to know I'm not alone?

From the Outside In

Have you ever gone window shopping?  I find it to be especially fun during the holiday season, when all the displays are lit up and full of magic and sparkle.  Now, with the internet, it's even easier to "window" shop from anywhere in the world - including, well, including places that one wouldn't generally think of as a place to shop.

Have you ever thought about window shopping as an "inside" job?  Let me explain.  I've always been a people watcher.  Always.  I'm intrigued by how people interact in the world, especially since that's an area of struggle for me (social interaction, that is.)  Even more, though, is the fact that I am constantly "window shopping" styles and such.

See, I'm not a fan of myself.  Or, at this point, it'd be more honest to say that I'm not a fan of my body and how it looks.  At all.  Which is actually my motive for people watching.  I figure that if I observe enough people out in the world, maybe I'll find some style or something that I do like, and that I think I could pull off.

Outside.  I know, you can't judge a book by it's cover.  You can't judge a person by their clothing.  I get it. 

Except.  In my mind, other people always seem to be able to "pull it off" so much better than I imagine I'd be able to.  I mean, I love the idea of boots and skinny pants.  I've seen so many people who can totally rock that look.  I just don't believe I could make it work.  At least, on the inside, I've convinced myself that I can't pull it off.  Nor can I pull off tunics, or ballet flats, or a plethora of other bits of clothing and style that I find to be fantastic on others, yet, imagine they'd be hideous on me. 

And if I'm going to be completely honest, when it comes down to it, I just plain feel like an outsider in my own skin.  It's as if the person I am on the inside isn't worthy of looking nice on the outside.

Yes.  I do understand that isn't true.  Or at least my therapist continues to remind me that isn't true.  I guess the more accurate statement would be that I don't like my outside, and I'm just starting to like my inside. 

So now it's time for a different kind of window shopping.  This time, I'm gonna have to try to shop my insides in an effort to embrace my outsides.......

Gee whiz, do I love challenges like this!! {ugh}

All The Wrong Reasons

It's Saturday evening.  This morning I had a meeting, and then went to the bakery before grocery shopping and heading home.

The first thought in my mind when I got back into the car after grocery shopping?

I am SO excited that I don't have to leave the house until Monday!

One might say, "well, yeah, you had a ridiculously insane week of work, no wonder you're excited about staying in!"

Except..... this is an all-too-common sentiment.  Not having to leave the house.  My inner turtle is coming out.  I'm heading into hibernation.  I'm burying my head in the pillow and praying for a pajama day.  I'm letting depression win.  I'm tuning the world out whenever possible.  I'm pathetic.  I'm hiding.

Or maybe I just need a break.  And all those other things?  Maybe they're old excuses.  Maybe I'm actually listening to my overly tired and achy body for once, and not resisting the need to relax and recharge.

I don't know.
Guess it doesn't matter, either.
All I know is that I am excited I don't have to leave the house until Monday.
Pathetic or not, sometimes, you gotta take the smiles from wherever they may be.

NEDA Week: The Media

There are some crazy facts about how the media has become such a powerful influence on us, myself included.  I actually don't watch the news anymore because it is too disturbing to me.  There aren't enough "smile stories" shared.

I also know how much I push myself because I don't look like those I see on television, I'm too different.  I don't like what I do to myself. I don't like how I let the media's decisions on what is "pretty" or "beautiful" impact my own choices.

Yet, I'm the only one with the power to change my mind.

I'm working on it.

Are you?

Choices

I love this image and quote.... It reminds me of something my therapist often says--
You don't deserve to be hurt.  No one does.  

See, somehow I trained myself to believe that if someone could possibly be hurt, I will be the one to get hurt.  If someone should suffer, it should be me.  Somehow, I've convinced myself that I deserve the "bad" and "hurt" from the world.

Reality?  No one deserves to endure pain and suffering.  The sun doesn't say "I'll shine on you, but not you, you don't deserve it."  Sure, the sun can only shine on part of the Earth at a time, but even then, it does so in a predictable pattern, with everyone getting plenty of sunshine throughout the day.....

Something to chew over......

Be Kind

I particularly like this Sketches in Stillness image because it is such a great reminder for this time of year.... Especially as we begin to think about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr, and his peaceful premise...... something that seems to be frequently forgotten these days......

Happy Christmas

Interesting perspective....... eh?

Four Leaf Clovers

As a kid, I remember spending what felt like hours searching for the elusive four leaf clover.  On more than one occasion, I got lucky, and found one!  It was always exhilarating, after crawling around in the grass long enough to have green-stained knees, coming up with one of those little gems like you were the champion of the world.

Four leaf clovers.

Technically, a mutation of the normal, more typical, three leaf clover.  The regular one.  The way most clovers are made.

We scour the ground in search of the odd one out.  The unique.  The different.  The lucky.  Finding a three leaf clover is ordinary.  Everyone is a three leaf clover.  The four leaf clover.  That's different.  That's lucky.

Even though, technically, it's mutated.  It's deformed.  It's grossly different than the rest.

I've been thinking about this for a while.  How it connects to my body.  To my eating disorder.  To recovery.

I want that four leaf clover.  It's different.

Yet.

I hate this body in which I reside for that same reason.

Cause it's different.

I want to be normal.  I want to be like that three leaf clover.  Fitting in with everyone else.  One of the crowd.

Or do I?

If everyone is in search of that one, so-called lucky, four leaf clover...... maybe it's time to start rethinking this.  Maybe being different is like being that four leaf clover...... maybe it means some one will actually pick me, and find me to be their lucky charm.....

Maybe I need to pick me first......

What do you think?

 

I completely concur.

A Treat and A Lesson

On my way home from the day, I treated myself to a small fries from a local fast food restaurant (for the record, I eat fast food maybe six times a year.)  Someone at work had fries from this place for lunch today, and they looked soooo good, so I figured, it was Monday, I could splurge!
It was a simple order - a value fries.  A whole $1.26.  Quick, right?  I did get there after the dinner rush, too.  And there were only two cars ahead of me in the drive through lane.  I sat in line knowing that I was only moments away from the salty, crispy goodness entertaining my tastebuds.

Except the line took for-ev-er.  Seriously.  I was in line for 12 minutes.  That's a long time for a fast food place.  Especially when there are only two cars ahead of you.

So as I sat there, I began stewing.  I drafted a complaint letter to the company to complain about this particular franchise.  Thanks to my super smart phone, I even pulled up the corporate website and found my contact information.  It was a great way to pass the wait time.

When I finally pulled up to the pick-up window, I was beyond annoyed.  I planned on commenting to the drive through attendant, asking what was happening to make things ridiculously slow, and comment how this is unacceptable service for a fast food place.  When the attendant came to the window, I could tell that things were not hunky-dory.  The place looked to be very frazzled and short staffed.  The attendant gave me a pained smile as she asked if I had the value fries.

In that split second, I decided that my complaint wasn't worth it today.  Something bigger was happening behind the scenes at this franchise, and while a complaint to corporate may have been helpful, after a peek into the behind-the-scenes situation, it wasn't worth it.  Instead, I smiled back at her, and cheerfully replied.  As she said her pre-programmed closing, I bid her a good evening with another smile, and drove off to enjoy my fries.

Sometimes lessons arrive in the strangest of packages......

Pup Speak

The Pup and I were out for a walk this evening, when a helicopter flew over head.  Yes, it was quite loud, and I know dogs have excellent hearing, so I had no doubt that the Pup would notice.  What I didn't expect was that not only would the Pup hear the helicopter, but he also saw it.  And he tracked it through the sky until it was out of sight. 

Probably no big deal, but it got me thinking.  This little nine pound dog, light enough to be blown about by a helicopter breeze, stopped and noticed something a few thousand feet above him.  Not only did he notice it, but he focused his entire little body on it until it passed, at which point he gave me his full attention once again.

It got me thinking about perspective. 

And this quote.

The way the Pup greets me when I walk in after work or errands you'd think I was this magical human who makes his world better.  Until I rescued him, I never realized how nice it was to go home.  When you're being greeted by a cuddly pogo-esque Pup, how can you not smile?

While in the Pup's eyes, I might be incredible....

One day I'd like it to be true in my eyes, too.

Little Things

I know that a lot of people don't always recognize how lucky they are.  How good they have it.  Perspective is a tricky thing, no matter how old you are.

I know that I am luckier than many.  I recognize that, and am very grateful for what I do have.  Yeah, there are a lot of things that I went through that really sucked.  There are a lot of things in my life that still suck.  But I still think I'm a lucky one.

And that's partially because of the people in my life who support me.  It's not like they go above and beyond, it's that they're just great people.  It's the hug I get when I walk into my dietitian's office, or the little extra squeeze when we hug goodbye.  It's the text message that warns me not to panic when I pull into the parking lot and don't see my therapist's car.  It's the three month notice I get when there is a schedule adjustment to be made, because I don't take to surprises well.  It's the unexpected text that says "I made some soup for you for next time you come over," just because.  It's the way my crazy thoughts are normalized by those who really understand me.

I'm lucky.  Really lucky.  It's the little things that really do mean the most....

Professionally Developed

I work with some amazing people.  Professional, put together, masters of their craft.  People that I look at and think "wow, I kinda wish I could have their lives for a little while, and see how the other half lives......"  I often feel less than, just because they are all married (or engaged) and have families (or are just starting their families) and have very rich and wonderful lives outside of work.  In other words, their highlight reels are pretty spectacular.

And mine isn't.

Except for one area.  I found it quite shocking that my "highlight reel" actually brought out the behind-the-scenes struggle in my colleagues.  See, my highlight reel is very limited.  It actually only encompasses one skill area.  That's it.  I don't have the family.  I don't have the relationship.  I don't have the outside-of-work-amazing-life.  But I do have one talent, that I now know brings out insecurities in others.  Which is something I hate to do, make someone feel insecure.  And today, more than ever, that was made clear to me.

Which is why this quote came to mind.  I know I need to really work hard to stop looking at the highlight reel, the "public persona" of my colleagues.  Because when I do that, I feel like an ant surrounded by elephants - the smallest, most insignificant creature of the bunch.  Hopefully this new-found information will help me balance out a little bit more, and be less insecure about what they have that I don't, and instead, focus on sharing what I can......  After all, we all have something to offer, whether we're behind the camera or running the show.

H.O.P.E.

I love this acronym for hope.  It is helpful in putting "right now" in perspective.

Because no matter what you're facing, good or bad, happy or sad, painful or not, it isn't permanent, no matter how much it feels that way in the moment.

Right now, in this moment......  Take a deep breath and know that the pain will end.  The moment will pass.  You will be ok.  Even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Sometimes hope arrives in the most unexpected of ways.  We just have to be open to receive it. 

(Right now, for me, it comes in the form of typing this out for the world to read, and hoping that I can heed my own message, because I desperately need this reminder right now, too....)

Challenge 15: Image Inspiration

Images by Elena Kalis

I was finally stumped this week.  All week I've been looking at the images for this week's challenge, and every single time I found myself irritated and annoyed with the artist.  I went to the artist's website, Googled other images by the artist, and had the same reaction every single time.

This has led me to realize that there is still way too much going on behind the scenes of my brain (commonly referred to the unconscious) that I am not aware of.  However, I wanted to mark this challenge in the blog activity, because I hope that one day, I can come back to this challenge and view these same images through a different lens.  I hope that I can see them in a way that doesn't create the irritation that I see when I look at them now.  I try to keep an open mind in all areas of my life, but in this case, well, maybe another time.

Challenge 12, Part 1: EMBRACE

I love this quote.  I found it somewhere, likely on pinterest, and it fits beautifully into this week's topic.  So often I shy away from myself, and even more so, from what could be considered "beautiful" about me.  I kind of like being different, but in the past, I've always seen it as a negative thing.  Like, I'm the one who is always sick.  I'm the one who is always having an allergic reaction to the smallest things.  I'm the one who brakes out in hives at the thought of eating specific foods.  I'm the one who likes a quiet night in, instead of a busy night out.  I'm different.  I just never thought that my differences could be worth embracing..... my "you"ness would be worth value to this world.....

It's nice to start thinking about the possibilities out there.... that maybe one day my differences won't make me feel bad about myself, instead, they'll be something I embrace as me and who I am.  And eventually, I might even find a way to be proud of those differences.... baby steps.... baby steps....