I'm Fine.

I read an article yesterday by one of my favorite bloggers, Natasha Tracy.  The title of the post is What does "I'm Fine" Mean if you're Depressed? (You can read the whole article here.)

She so eloquently articulated what "fine" can mean for one who suffers from depression.  For the first time, I actually found an explanation that makes sense to me.  We live in a world where people ask "how are you?" and walk away before you can answer.  Do those people really want to know how you are doing?  Nope.  They expect the standard "fine, and you?" response, or something similar.

Well my friends, depression is different.  There is rarely a "fine" time for me.  It doesn't matter if I've been given good news, a compliment (which we know how well I take!) or a little gift.  I'll always be able to fake it and look/act "fine" but inside?  I'm anything but.

It's rather frustrating trying to explain what depression feels like to those who don't suffer from this maddening issue. The way Ms. Tracy explains it, she had to redefine what "fine" actually meant to her, in order to be able to use it appropriately.  For me, I rely on a great little acronym.... When I say I'm fine, this is what runs through my head ----->

Yeah.  I know.  It's pretty defeating, demeaning, and downright sad.  But at least I can answer honestly when someone asks how I'm doing....

Change

I loved the TV show The Wonder Years.  I loved following Kevin Arnold as he meandered his way through adolescence and puberty.  His family was very down to Earth, and reminded me much of my own - three children, always enough money, but never an abundance.  I kind of wished that I could have been in their family, because at least in the 30 minute episode, the ending always came to some complete conclusion, wrapping things up in a way that didn't always make a happy ending, but sure made things simpler.

Anyway, this quote stands out to me, especially right now, because I'm both fighting the new changes that are necessary at this point in my life, and also fighting the old ways that needed to be changed anyway.  Change is for sure never easy.

I know that while the recent changes in my life have left me reeling, and sometimes hanging by a very fine thread, yet they've also been very necessary as a part of my growth in recovery and overall.  It's as if I'm fighting to start fresh, yet fighting to stay the same all at the same time.  Almost frustrating, actually.  Or, if I'm being honest, it's really frustrating.  Being in that space where you know what you're doing is necessary, but you hate it at the same time?  Yep.  I'm there.  And while I know in the grand scheme of things, this will be a good growth period, right now it just sucks.

Week 42: Overcoming Stressful Times

Stress?  I have NO idea what you're talking about.  My life is stress free, and any stress that does exist is chocolate covered, making it easily digestible.  I have the patience of a rock, the grace of a swan, and flow like the waves in the ocean, quietly kissing the shore and retreating seamlessly.

Whatever.  (I can dream, right?)

Stress? My world is covered in stress, where as I'd much prefer a chocolate covered world.  This topic is actually rather timely for me, as this time of year is pretty stressful and frustrating for me.  It's also an opportunity for me to remind myself what tools I do have to get me through stressfully frustrating times like these.

One tool that helps is to focus on my breathing.  Usually that involves remembering to breathe!  I try to count my inhales and exhales and use my breath to distract myself from the situation that is setting off the alarms in my head.  From the breathing I try to move into my phone list - I have a few friends that I know are exceptionally good at getting me out of tough spots in a short conversation.  If my phone list isn't available, then I'll pull out my distraction box.  This box is literally a toolbox of distractions that are neatly packaged and always stored in the same place so I can grab it at my lowest level of functioning.

An overarching tool that I try to constantly remember is the slogan "this too shall pass" as an effort to remind me that the situation may feel stressful at the moment, or I may be frustrated at the moment, but for the moment, I can handle it.  The feeling will pass, the situation will end, and all will be restored to it's typical level of sanity.

And when all else fails I reach for a Xanax.  In keeping with the goal of complete honesty, sometimes I go for the Xanax first.  Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do!

Challenge 15: Image Inspiration

Images by Elena Kalis

I was finally stumped this week.  All week I've been looking at the images for this week's challenge, and every single time I found myself irritated and annoyed with the artist.  I went to the artist's website, Googled other images by the artist, and had the same reaction every single time.

This has led me to realize that there is still way too much going on behind the scenes of my brain (commonly referred to the unconscious) that I am not aware of.  However, I wanted to mark this challenge in the blog activity, because I hope that one day, I can come back to this challenge and view these same images through a different lens.  I hope that I can see them in a way that doesn't create the irritation that I see when I look at them now.  I try to keep an open mind in all areas of my life, but in this case, well, maybe another time.

Down in the Dumps

The title says it all.  I'm down in the dumps.  I have been for a while.  I was just hoping that once school started, I'd snap out of it.

But that doesn't seem to be the case.

Instead, I still feel lost.  Sad.  Depressed.  Exhausted.  Emotionally distraught.

I've tried to write a post for the last week or so, but the words aren't coming.  That's probably been one of the best things about the Blogging for Wellbeing project - it's easier for me to write to a prompt when I'm stuck like this.  With this lack of words, I'm resorting to music.  Which ironically, I haven't been listening to much of lately.  You could say this is another round of Words That Give Me Meaning if you wanted.  I really don't care.

The current song that is looping through the lost neurons in my brain is Kings of Leon's Use Somebody.  The first hundred times I listened to it, I really did want somebody.  I wanted somebody else to fix things, to make things better, to make things easier, to be there for me.  Now I realize that I need to be the person who is there for me.  It's a lousy realization, even though it's a healthy one.  I just gotta figure out how to be there for me..... cause it's pretty hard to hug yourself....

Use Somebody

Kings of Leon

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

Painted faces fill the places I can't reach

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you and all you know and how you speak

Countless lovers under cover of the street

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you

Off in the night while you live it up I'm off to sleep

Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat

I hope it's gonna make you notice

I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me, someone like me

Someone like me, somebody

I'm ready now, I'm ready now

I'm ready now, I'm ready now

I'm ready now, I'm ready now

I'm ready now

Someone like you, somebody

Someone like you, somebody

Someone like you, somebody

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see

Choice or Challenge?

The past two and a half days, I have been with out power.  Without power means no fans or AC on 100+ degree days.  (Yes, multiple days.)  Just so happens that I had stocked my fridge and freezer on Tuesday, with good choices to help me meet my daily goal.... only to have the power go out on Wednesday at four am.  Because of my food allergies, stocking my fridge costs a lot more than you'd think. 

And today, I had to throw 90% of it away.  Which really frustrated me.  For as much as I don't like food, I hate wasting it even more.

The way I see it, there are two perspectives I could take on the experience: 

I could look at it as a challenge - the chance to see how strong I am in my recovery and how well I can roll with this unexpected and very unwelcome challenge.  I could show my team how much progress I've made.

I could look at it as a choice - I am faced with a decision, do I choose to use this as an excuse to slip backward?  Or do I choose to use this as a chance to see how strong I've become?

I would really love it if I could wholeheartedly jump up and down, yelling gleefully "I did it!  I made it!  I successfully passed this challenge!"

Except that would be dishonest.

I can't completely berate myself either- I wasn't a 100% failure.  I didn't completely give in to my old habits.  I didn't let this become a full-on race backward down the path of regression.

Instead, this was a learning experience.  I learned how reliant I am on technology.  And while I didn't make my daily goals like I am supposed to, I didn't completely throw the days away, either.  I landed somewhere in the ballpark (albeit way in the outfield) of where I should be on an average-low day.

I learned that I am not strong enough to be unsupported through this type of challenging situation.  I learned that I am strong enough to not completely give in to old urges.  I learned that I've made some progress, but I still have a ways to go.

And somehow, through it all?  I managed not to melt!

Week 18: Affirmations

Affirmations.  Yuck.  I find them so silly.  I mean, I feel ridiculous talking to myself, telling myself things I don't believe.  It sounds way to hokey for me.

On the other hand, I don't seem to find it silly when I talk to myself other times, like when I get mad at myself for making a mistake.  Or when I beat myself up mentally because of some silly thing.

I can talk to myself when I am beating the crap out of me, but I can't talk to myself positively?  Great.  How bass-akward is that?!

(A little game for you... I do believe one of the above affirmations to be true, 

at least for me, but I believe the other one to be false, at least for me.  Can you figure out which is which?

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: FORGIVENESS

June Blog Challenge Day 25: FORGIVENESS

I have been (trying to) participate in another blog project, which was actually the impetus for this blog in the first place.  Weekly prompts (of which I am rather far behind) have addressed all sorts of topics, similar to the June blogger challenge.




As it would so happen, I wrote about forgiveness back in March.  Here's a link to that post.  Not a whole lot has changed in my world of forgiveness.  My therapist and I still discuss the topic of self-hatred/self-care pretty regularly.  I'd say I'm an inch closer than where I was back in March?  Maybe?

Forgiveness is such an important trait to have, 

it makes things a little less painful, 

even though the process of forgiveness

 may be a painful journey in itself.

Prompt: Maybe you need to forgive yourself. Maybe you are struggling to forgive another. Maybe forgiveness feels forced. Maybe you don’t understand it.  Maybe it is religious or faith based when you consider. Maybe it’s a lesson you have not yet learned. Talk about it in your own words.

Numbers: Take 2

I saw a number today that I didn't like.  

I didn't like it at all.

A few months ago, I saw this same number (it was slightly different at the time) but the way in which I saw it didn't upset me, at least not much, and definitely not enough for me to blog about it like I did the first time I saw the number back in February (which I wrote about here.)  Today, though, I had a similar reaction to the February situation.  The number sent me through the roof, evoking an all out internal war.

I try... I have been trying, not to think about that number at all.  I've definitely been trying not to give it any more power over me.  Some days are more successful than others, but over the past five or six weeks, I have been rather successful in not letting that number take up residence in my thoughts.

Until today.

Today, at the doctor's office, the nurse was careless.  Today, the nurse seemed to be somewhat unaware of my situation (I say somewhat because she did know enough to have me get in a gown first, but she did so with not all that much tact - ok, with no tact - whatsoever.)  Today, I was so unprepared for this situation to arise, especially considering it's a monthly appointment with this same doctor, whom I really like, and the same routine happens every time, that it really stunned me, and quite frankly, really upset me, too.

Sometimes things work out in for the best, even if it wasn't planned that way.  I left this appointment a complete wreck, fighting tears, determined to "fix" things in regards to the number, no matter what the cost.  I had to head to another appointment from there, so I tried not to get too worked up before heading in to that one.  This appointment, though, was a gift.  I was able to let go of the number, let go of the whole situation, and look at it through a different lens.  By the time I left appointment number three (I had one other in the morning, uneventful and not worth mentioning) I felt calm, contained, and much more able to positively move forward without inflicting any damage on my already over-taxed body and mind.  Thank g-d for my amazing therapist!  Thank g-d for small miracles!

Now, the challenge is to continue on the course in which I was prior to seeing that number this afternoon.  Can I do it?  I'm not sure, but I'll sure be giving it a try!