Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Buh-by 2013!

Twelve more months.
52 more weeks.
365 more days.
8760 more hours.

All in the past.

2013 is done.  Over.  Gone.  Finished.

2014 is here.  Ready.  New.  Fresh.

Memories?  2013 was full of them.
Some good. 
Some horrid. 
Some sad. 
Some funny.
Some just plain crazy.

2013's word? Written.
The vast amount of writing I did this year, both on the blog and in my journal...
yeah, written fits for sure.

As for 2014?
Can't wait to see what it brings.......

Thursday, December 26, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks - Year 2

Day 37 - Thursday 12/26/13 - Appreciate the trip down "progress lane" to remind me that all is not wasted........

Day 36 - Wednesday 12/25/13 - Thankful for cinnamon rolls.  They tasted incredible, even if they gave me a headache.

Day 35 - Tuesday 12/24/13 -  Thankful for the reminder that this, too, shall pass.

Day 34 - Monday 12/23/13 - SO grateful to be back in my therapist's office today.  It was a long, long, unfun week.

Day 33 - Sunday 12/22/13 - Thankful for naps.  Naps that magically eliminate nausea are even better.

Day 32 - Saturday 12/21/13 - Thankful the fever finally broke!

Day 31 - Friday 12/20/13 - Thankful, that despite failed technology, I got to talk to my class on this last school day of 2013.  Thankful too, that I'm finally starting to feel a little better.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Hold On.....

Things are a bit, well..... ugh.

It kinda feels like the world is ending.

Even though I know it's not.

It feels like...... like...... darkness.

Even though it's technically not.

My therapist reminded me that this isn't permanent. 

She reminded me that this won't last..... that it may feel like the world is ending right now, but it won't......

She said my job right now is to hold on.

Hold on.

So I'm holding on.

Feels like I'm holding on to a handful of thumbtacks.

But I'm holding on.

Sunday, December 22, 2013


The holiday season can be rough, really, really rough for those with family issues.  Things can be equally as rough, if not rougher, for those without family issues due to the fact that they don't have family.

For some, that's no biggie.  Family free = problem free.  Sorta.

For others, especially younger people, college age-ish, being without a family around this season can be sad, lonely, and really, really depressing.  Especially those at university, surrounded by people talking about family and holidays and fleeing campus for the holiday break.

Jackie, tried to rent a family and got SO much more.......
Meet Jackie.  Jackie is a college student at William Jessup University in Sacramento, California.  Now, I don't know Jackie personally, though I do believe I'd like her.  She decided to make a change this year.  Instead of the usual, miserable December (despite eleven rocking months) she took action.

She posted an ad on Craigslist, looking to rent parents for a few hours to enjoy some holiday time.  Yes, you read that right.  She put an ad on Craigslist.  Ballsy?  Maybe.  Brave?  Totally.  Inspired?  Oh yes.........

Best part?  Not only did she find a family for the holidays, she was able to connect others who responded to her ad (both parents looking to help, and other students in positions similar to Jackie's,) find some company, too.

I love pick-me-up stories like this..... and am so inspired by our future when reading about Jackie and those she's impacted.

Read the full story.  You won't regret it.
(Though you may shed a few tears amid the smiles........)

Thursday, December 19, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks - Year 2

Day 30 - Thursday 12/19/13 - Super grateful for my dog walker, who not only took the Pup for his walk today, but took out my trash for me, too, as I am bed-ridden with this nasty flu!

Day 29 - Wednesday 12/18/13 - Thankful I have health insurance.  Not thankful that I have the flu.  Thankful my insurance allowed me to go to the doctor and get medicine for said flu.

Day 28 - Tuesday 12/17/13 - Grateful for flannel pajamas on this freezing evening.

Day 27 - Monday 12/16/13 - Grateful that this is the last Monday in which I have to get up early for the rest of 2013 ;)

Day 26 - Sunday 12/15/13 - Honored to invited to an intimate baby shower for a special friend as we celebrated her soon-to-arrive baby boy!

Day 25 - Saturday 12/14/13 - Grateful to be a part of a family event for a student who shined on stage!

Day 24 - Friday 12/13/13 - Finally! A night home!  So appreciative of the chance to stay in and snuggle with the Pup after this busy week.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Gearing Up For Another Challenge!

You might remember, that way back when I began this blog, it was part of a recovery project.  The idea was a weekly prompt that was posted in the group, was to be written about with the recovery lens.  It was supposed to be one prompt per week, 52 prompts total, giving us a year of recovery blogging.  (Here's a sneak peek at the list of prompts, linked to my first round of responses.)

It took more than a year.  Quite a bit more, actually.
I began the challenge on October 29, 2011,
and completed the 52nd week's prompt on October 9, 2013.

And now I think I'm ready to begin it again.

After all, it's been over two years since the first prompt!

So I invite you, whether you're recovering from an eating disorder, recovering from anything else, or not recovering at all, and just want to participate in a pretty cool year of blogging, to join me.  My plan is to post every Sunday, which means week one's post will go up on Sunday, January 5th.

I'm going to attempt a link-up, as well, so those of you that choose to participate, can post your link on each week's prompt.

Even if you don't "join" the group, I can attest that these prompts will make you think, and could make for a nice, year-long reflective journey!

Saturday, December 14, 2013

What I Do vs Who I Am

My therapist says that what we do is who we are.   

What I Do:
I teach 25 pairs of ears how to be respectful listeners.
I teach 25 pairs of eyes how to read, write, and do math, discover, and look deeper.
I teach 25 pairs of hands how to play fair, cooperate, and explore.
I teach 25 mouths to ask questions, to communicate kindly, and share knowledge.
I teach 25 brains how to think, wonder, and reflect; how to be curious, and creative.
I teach 25 hearts how to be thoughtful, empathetic, and giving; caring and brave.
I teach from my heart...... and I'm pretty good at what I do.

Who I am:
I am the daughter of dysfunctional parents.
I am the sister of challenging siblings.
I am lacking in self-confidence and self-esteem.
I am an unsuccessful peace-keeper.
I am filled with self-doubt and worry. 
I am unsure of myself.
I am afraid of the world.

Continuing on the theme of trust, and holding on to the idea that my therapist believes what we do is who we are, well......
I think what I do is pretty darn awesome.  If only I could merge with who I am, more like who I *think* I am.....
I trust my therapist, so hopefully that means the merger will happen soon?

Thursday, December 12, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks - Year 2

Day 23 - Thursday 12/12/13 - Trying to accept the idea of "weird" being ok.  My therapist says it's ok, so it must be........

Day 22 - Wednesday 12/11/13 - Grateful my dietitian knows me so well.......

Day 21 - Tuesday 12/10/13 - Thankful for an early to bed night........

Day 20 - Monday 12/9/13 - Feeling lighter after voicing a concern to my therapist and hearing her reassurance.

Day 19 - Sunday 12/8/13 - Grateful for a tasty, Violet-friendly brunch this morning - I missed pancakes!

Day 18 - Saturday 12/7/13 - Thankful for the warmth of my home on this cold day.

Day 17 - Friday 12/6/13 - Glad it's Friday.  It's been a long week.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013


Five letters.
Just five little letters.
Four consonants, one vowel.
A loaded word if I ever saw one.

I trust few people in this world.  Very few.  I attribute that to the fact that I have been hurt so many times by people I was supposed to be able to trust....... people who took advantage of me, who hurt me, who deceived me....... who "earned" my trust by building me up, only to abuse that trust, until I finally broke.

Now, I deal with the intense fear that the world is an unkind, unsafe place, full of untrustworthy people.  At least that's the reality I created for myself, based on my past experiences.

But it's time to change that.  It's time to start giving people the benefit of the doubt.  Now, we're not talking trusting complete strangers here.  We're talking members of my treatment team, my two BFFs, and a few colleagues here and there.... people that are deemed "safe" in my world.

Except I'm SO freaking afraid to trust.

My therapist said something that really stuck in my head.  She said that telling me not to be afraid wouldn't be helpful.  Instead, she told me that even though I'm scared, she thinks it will be worth it to push through that fear and trust this person, the newest member of my treatment team.  Trust that this person, who has given me no reason not to trust her, is trustworthy.  My therapist trusts this team member.  I trust my therapist.  I totally and completely trust my therapist.

So I guess it's time for me to try and trust this team member, too......

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Eating Numbers

Anyone remember when life was simpler? 

Maybe during childhood, at least for a while, we got the taste of pure, simple, life.  A time when playing was the only thing on the agenda.  A time when getting up meant rolling out of bed and jumping into play clothes before heading out for a day of adventures of the imagination.

A time when I ate food.....
not numbers.

I was actually taken to my knees today, when it hit me.  The realization that I no longer see food as food.  I see it as a number.

I no longer enjoy meals, at least not until I've calculated "the number."
Snacks, treats, Starbucks, everything is a number, not a treat.

Tonight, I was sort of enjoying a favorite seasonal specialty from Trader Joes.  Sort of, because after I ate through my allotted "number" for the meal, I kept eating.  And at some point, I realized that I wasn't enjoying the treat anymore.  I was instead trying to get to a bigger number.

See, I've been slipping in and out of goal lately.  Some days I easily meet my daily intake goal (the number that drives my day) and others, I struggle.  Today was one of those struggle days, so I was determined to find a way to get the number to a more respectable place.

So I ate.  I ate what used to taste good.  I ate what used to be a favorite treat.  But tonight, it became just a number.

Just a number.
That's what food has become to me.  The thing that is supposed to nourish me, feed my body, my brain........ it's been relegated to a simply complicated number.

At least, I suppose, while food is a number, I'm fighting myself to keep the number healthy.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks - Year 2

Day 16 - Thursday 12/5/13 - Thankful for my amazing ability to blow things out of proportion.  It's always fun when my therapist shrinks said things back into reality.

Day 15 - Wednesday 12/4/13 - Appreciate that others recognize my abilities and look to me to help them hone theirs.

Day 14 - Tuesday 12/3/13 - Thankful that I recognized when I was being treated unkind today.  I didn't do anything about it, but recognizing it is a good first step.

Day 13 - Monday 12/2/13 - Thankful that my therapist pointed out that I have, actually, started standing up for myself and did so twice alone today!  I never would have recognized it had she not pointed it out.  Small as it may be, it's progress!

Day 12 - Sunday 12/1/13 - Kinda surprised and pleased that I managed to get super detailed lesson plans written for the full-on-crazy week ahead!

Day 11 - Saturday 11/30/13 - Thankful for the unseasonably warm weather that made a nice long walk with the Pup quite pleasant!

Day 10 - Friday 11/29/13 - Grateful to finally have made time for reading, it's been so nice getting lost in the pages of books again.......

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Stuck on Repeat?

So I realize this, that the thoughts in my mind (which are mostly negative when it comes to myself) are tracks I allowed others to record in my brain.  Instead of releasing them, or not believing them, I've held on to them for so long, they feel like they're my own.  Like they are thoughts that I came up with, attacks on the self.

I know I didn't create them.  I didn't record them or plant them or even initially think or speak them.  What I did do was adopt them as my own.  Accept them as my own.  And allow them to play over and over and over.

I truly do hope that I will one day (soon?) reach the place where the old record plays it's tune, but I don't even pay attention it.  Even better?  I hope to toss that old record out the window, and instead, replace it with some kind tracks on a shiny new mp3.......

Monday, December 2, 2013

I Want to Write More

I recently realized how censored I've been on the blog.  I am watching my words very carefully, and in doing so, am limiting myself and my posts.  I'm not sure why all of a sudden I recognized this, and hope to change that.

Starting now.

It's no surprise that for someone recovering from an eating disorder, the holiday season, in the states kicked off by Thanksgiving, is not an easy one to maneuver through.  Throw in there an invasive medical procedure requiring fasting and a liquid diet, and it could be a recipe for disaster. 

I'd like to say that I've staved off that disaster.  Which, I kinda sorta have, actually!  I survived the liquid diet day, I survived the morning of fasting, I survived the test, and I've actually managed to get back on the eating wagon pretty quickly!

So, I have staved off the disaster.  I was going to add an "and yet......" but I don't have one.  When it comes down to it, Yes, I got back up to near goal within days of the torture.  I survived Thanksgiving, ate well all weekend, and am pretty close to back to my required goal area.


Image from Shirt Woot Derby - if you created this,
please let me know so I can give you credit!
(There's nearly always a but for me.)

While I'm doing pretty darn well getting to goal..... what I'm eating to get there is SO not the best....... it's mediocre, at best.  I guess you could say I have a very child-like palate.  I prefer peanut butter and jelly and apple sauce over Caesar salad and grilled salmon.  I prefer chocolate milk over wine.  I prefer cereal over eggs.  I prefer macaroni and cheese over risotto.

I have simple tastes.  Add in some food intolerances and a refusal to give up my vegetarianism, and, well, I make things in the "eating appropriately" department rather tricky.  My dietitian (who has the patience of a saint) has been working her @$$ off trying to figure out other sources of protein for me.  Most of which, I turn my nose up to and come up with some reason or another why I can't eat it.

Truth is, I need more protein.  I desperately need more protein.  My body needs it.  (Though, this is all coming from my team, I don't crave protein, nor do I know what my body would feel like in it's quest to obtain more protein!)  I know it's good for me.

Then again, so is writing..........

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Saturday Smiles

Hey, what can I say, this is a once in 70,000+ year opportunity!  Time to seize the moments instead of watching them float by...... and this is a fun moment to seize!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks - Year 2

Day 9 - Thursday 11/28/13 - Thankful to have family to celebrate this feasting day with....... even if I don't like them some times......

Day 8 - Wednesday 11/27/13 - Thankful for my doctor, who is such a patient, warm, kind, caring, patient human being on top of being an incredible doctor!

Day 7 - Tuesday 11/26/13 - Thankful that today begins a nice, long, 5-day mini-staycation!

Day 6 - Monday 11/25/13 - Grateful for friendship that extends to the far reaches of requests....

Day 5 - Sunday 11/24/13 - Grateful and hopeful that I never have to do this prep again.....

Day 4 - Saturday 11/23/13 - Appreciate the fact that the inch of snow we were supposed to get never arrived....... thanks for the accurate weather prediction!

Day 3 - Friday 11/22/13 -  Grateful for reminders that I am in the right profession.  Today one came in the form of a former student visiting.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013


It's Thanksgiving time in the States..... and in my world, that means PIE.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Being a Grown Up

A while back, I posed a question about what it means to be an adult.  While that post didn't generate as many answers as I hoped for....... a recent experience shed a little light on this whole, mystical, "grown up world" that I am so conflicted in regards to my membership.

I had a rather unpleasant "grown up" experience the other day, one in which most adults are supposed to experience once they reach the ripe old age of 50.  I'm not 50 yet.  Nor am I all that close to 50.  But my medical history dictated the need for the nasty test known as a colonoscopy.  Now, the test itself isn't too horrid, but the day before?  The preparation?  It was N-A-S-T-Y.

But I did it.

And I survived.

And while I did NOT enjoy one single part of the whole experience, I knew it was something that needed to be done.

In other words......

I took care of myself.
I acted like a grown up.
Cause one of the requirements of being a grown up is taking care of yourself.

I may have "grown up" in the taking-care-of-my-body department..... which is definitely a positive step........ now.... to learn how to be kind to myself in the process of taking care of my body?  That's a whole different ballgame.... in fact, I don't even think we're on the baseball diamond anymore......


Thursday, November 21, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 2 - Thursday 11/21/13 - So thankful that I have been able to be a positive influence on the 25 kiddos in my class this year, and in past years, the feedback from their parents reminds me that I'm definitely in the right profession!

Day 1 - Wednesday 11/20/13 - Grateful for cupcakes.  Yes, cupcakes.  That's what I had for dinner tonight.  It was that kind of day.

Day 365 - Tuesday 11/19/13 - Appreciating my life experiences these days, as they have helped many of my students...... in many, many ways....

Day 363 - Monday 11/18/13 - Grateful to be a part of an organization so much bigger than me, that is putting together a massive event that will impact thousands of kids and give them memories to last a life time!

Day 362 - Sunday 11/17/13 - So thankful to have the Pup, today, and every day.  He makes my life so much brighter!

Day 361 - Saturday 11/16/13 - Grateful to my dietitian..... I was in such an uncooperative space today, yet, somehow, she made things feel ok.......

Day 360 - Friday 11/15/13 - Very appreciative of words like "homophobes" and "impotent" as spoken from the mouths of my students, who meant to say "homophones" and "important" but are still learning....

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Exactly one year ago today, I decided to jump on the November gratitude bandwagon, with one exception.  I wasn't going to share my gratitude for just the month of November.  Sure, it's a great month to do so, with Thanksgiving and all..... but one month isn't enough for me.

Gratitude is something I'm supposed to be working on every day.  Every day I'm supposed to try to find something that I'm grateful for in my day.  Something that I'm proud of.  Something worth being thankful for.  Ideally, these are supposed to be things I'm proud of myself for participating in, but.... we're still working on that part!

Today marks day 365.  While my weekly list will be posted on Thursday, as usual, I wanted to mark this somewhat momentous occasion.  I also want to encourage those who jump into the gratitude pool in November to consider making it a year-round event....  I know I'll be continuing the tradition!

Saturday, November 16, 2013

A Simple Request

Sometimes we have big wishes.  Lots of wants.  Lots of "gimmes."  Lots of desires.

Foster Teen Gets First 'Real' Thanksgiving
With Adoptive Family
I stumbled upon this article on Yahoo News, and was taken aback by a single wish of a young man.

A family.

That's all this 19 year old wanted.

A family.

Kind of makes me appreciate mine, as dysfunctional, twisted, and painful for me to be a part of, at least they want me.

Read the whole article.  You won't regret it.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 359 - Thursday 11/14/13 - Grateful for my students and their innocence.  Today's giggle? "I wonder if he has ammonia like Mrs. Teacher.  She missed two weeks of school because her ammonia was so bad!"

Day 358 - Wednesday 11/13/13 - Thankful for my students and how they inject such personality into everything at school.

Day 357 - Tuesday 11/12/13 - Appreciate the warmth of my down coat.  Makes walking the Pup in the darkness of after dinner a lot more pleasant!

Day 356 - Monday 11/11/13 -Grateful for my therapist's insight, patience, and sense of humor!

Day 355 - Sunday 11/10/13 - Thankful for a day of nothing - or, more positively thankful for a day of relaxation that allowed me to stay home all day.

Day 354 - Saturday 11/9/13 - Had a surprisingly nice evening with "friends" from work!

Day 353 - Friday 11/8/13 - Thankful that dinner with my parents was peaceful tonight, despite the upset stomach I had upon returning home.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013


I'm struggling again.
Or more likely, still.

I don't want to eat. 
I've once again
conditioned hunger
out of my body.

I, once again
can go all day without food.

This time, though
I don't feel like I'm doing it
on purpose
I'm just not hungry
at all.

I make myself eat

I just don't want to.

Eating is hard.
Too hard.
Too complicated.

Some live to eat
Some eat to live

I don't want to do either

And yet....
I eat.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Snow, snow, snow?!?

Already?!  On Veteran's Day?  It's too early!

This is what I walked out to this evening.  So not ready for it!

At least it explains why the kids were off the wall today!  There's always that chaos in school the day of the first snow........

Snow, while white and fluffy, and often pretty and sparkly, depresses me.  It means that it's indoor season.  The darkness arrives at dinnertime.  Darkness can be cozy, but when heading into the season of darkness?  Yeah..... it's gonna be an interesting winter!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Saturday Smiles

This one's called "Perpetual Emotion" from Shirt Woot.... Kinda fitting for today!

I am a huge fan of Shirt Woot.  I'd say about 60% of my t-shirts are from them. 
What can I say, I do have an odd sense of humor, you know?!

Friday, November 8, 2013

Topic of Conversation?

I had the strangest, yet incredibly inspiring conversation with my students today.

Oddly enough, the conversation topic?  Eczema.

I suffer from eczema, which takes up residence on my face and scalp.  I can hide it pretty well sometimes, but other times, like now, with the seasons changing, it is in a major flare up. 

And I can't hide it.  No matter how hard I try.

So today, as I sat in front of 25 pairs of eyes, and I had white blotches all over my face.... I decided to be honest with them, and head off any odd stares or questions.

"Do I have white stuff all over my face?" I asked them.  They all nodded, rather solemnly, at that.  "I have eczema, which means spots of my skin get all itchy and flaky sometimes.  Today is one of those times.  I know it looks funny, sort of like a clown...." (more nods, and a few giggles,) "but if I'm not careful, it really starts to hurt!  And this morning, I was in such a hurry to get to school, I forgot to put my cream on.  So I put it on just now, and that's what all the white splotches are."

Silence.  I was a little worried.  I've never been that blatant about my eczema before, with anyone (except my treatment team, of course)  And here I was, explaining it to a bunch of 8-9-10 year olds.

A small miracle happened that really made my heart leap just a little bit.  One by one, students started sharing their experiences with eczema.  Some have it themselves, and as one child said "In the winter, I have to put TWO layers of cream all over my body in the morning!"  While another chirped up "My sister has it all over her belly and back, I rub the lotion on for her sometimes."  And another, "I have it all over my hands and arms, and in the winter, it gets so bad it sometimes bleeds!" 

The stories kept coming.  And no one said yuck or gross or eww or anything.  Even when several kids chimed in that they too, experience cracking skin and bleeding when it gets bad.

No one flinched.

For some reason, it felt like a very important conversation to me.  I grew up so ashamed of all my "issues"..... I don't know why, it might have been one that rolled off their backs never to be thought of again..... but deep down, I'm hoping that it showed the kids that sometimes, the things we might not like about our bodies, aren't as bad as we think they are, because we're not alone in our struggles.......

Thursday, November 7, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 352 - Thursday 11/7/13 - So grateful that I get to come home to the Pup every day!  It's nice to have someone to come home to.......

Day 351 - Wednesday 11/6/13 - Appreciated the feeling of warmth showering me as I soaked in a long, hot, shower after this dreary day.

Day 350 - Tuesday 11/5/13 - Thankful that a potentially challenging parent meeting went really well this morning!

Day 349 - Monday 11/4/13 - Extremely grateful for my therapist and how well she knows me.  She uncovered a rather interesting pattern today, that provided a lot of insight!

Day 348 - Sunday 11/3/13 - Thankful for my extra hour of sleep!  I took advantage of it, that's for sure!

Day 347 - Saturday 11/2/13 - Grateful for a semi-quiet girls night with my BFF and her two munchkins.

Day 346 - Friday 11/1/13 - Beyond appreciative that my doctor is as attentive as she is.  What other doctor would return my call after 7:00pm?

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Two Years Wise!

Two years! 
Can you believe it's been two years? 

(Technically, this is a little late, and it's now been two years and two weeks, but whatev.) 

Two years of (somewhat) regular blogging has really been an adventure for me. Looking back over the posts from..... I've been a lot of places inside these past two years, and not many of them have been sunshine and roses. 

But you know what? That's ok. Cause everywhere I've been, I've learned..... 

And I'm ok with the fact that I still have lots and lots and lots to learn...... 

Thank you friends and followers, for your support on this journey! 

Here's to two more years!
(maybe even more!)

Thursday, October 31, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 345 - Thursday 10/31/13 - Thankful Halloween is only once a year. 

Day 344 - Wednesday 10/30/13 - Thankful for a quiet night in with the pup.  Needed the early bedtime tonight.

Day 343 - Tuesday 10/29/13 - Happy that my cousins were able to join us for family dinner tonight!

Day 342 - Monday 10/28/13 - So grateful that my therapist knows me as well as she does.  Makes challenging days like today a little easier to work through.

Day 341 - Sunday 10/27/13 - Appreciate the opportunity to participate in the kick-off event of what is looking to be a fantastic experience this coming summer!

Day 340 - Saturday 10/26/13 - Had so much fun collaborating with educators from across the tri-county area at today's workshop!

Day 339 - Friday 10/25/13 - Thrilled this week is over.  'Nuff said.

Saturday, October 26, 2013


It's been an interesting week.  Lots of things to think about.  Lots of questions.  Lots of answers to find.  Lots of thinking.  And yes, lots of tears.

On the flip side, there has been lots of learning, too.

Lots of questions......
  • Why do calories still dictate so much of my life?
  • Why is it socially acceptable to be on a diet, but not socially acceptable to talk about eating disorders?
  • Why does society promote things like Spanx and other body shapers?
  • Who made the decision that smaller and thinner is better?
  • Why isn't good health more important than size and shape?
  • Why does it matter how much I weigh, or what I look like?
  • Why do I care so much about what others think?
  • Why can't I accept my body as it is?
Lots of questions.......

Thursday, October 24, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 338 - Thursday 10/24/13 - Grateful the week of appointments is over.  Seven days.  Four tests.  Three new doctors.  Two IVs.  One X-ray.  Even better?  All came back normal!

Day 337 - Wednesday 10/23/13 - Grateful for the much needed time with my therapist today.

Day 336 - Tuesday 10/22/13 - Happy to find out that the Pup is just dealing with allergies, and not something more serious.

Day 335 - Monday 10/21/13 - Shocked and grateful that the chaotic schedule for this afternoon somehow, miraculously, worked!  I wasn't late for a single one of my appointments!

Day 334 - Sunday 10/20/13 - Enjoyed the yummy cider and fresh roasted corn from the cider mill on this sunny Sunday!

Day 333 - Saturday 10/19/13 - Appreciate the special delivery from the mail person this morning!  Saved me a trip to the post office!

Day 332 - Friday 10/18/13 - Grateful the week is over.  It was a crazy one.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

What a Difference a Year Makes!

Even the Pup got to go!
What a pumpkin!
Last year, I was able to visit one of my favorite places after my not-so-nice little buddy prevented me from visiting the previous year.  Considering the Cider Mill is only open for three short months?  Skipping out on visiting for a full year is really a long time to miss!

 New definition of pumpkin carving!
Last year, I blogged about how nice it was to cave in and return to one of the few places my family visited yearly since I was a child.

Fresh made donuts!
This year?

This year, it's been more than a sporadic visit during the short, three month season.  This year, I've made it a weekly stop!  You can say that by visiting the Cider Mill on Sundays all season long, I'm either ending my week on a sweet note, or starting my week on a sweet note.

A pause in the crowd....
Either way?  I am thrilled that fresh pressed apple cider has been on my meal plan since the start of the season!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 331 - Thursday 10/17/13 - New doctor today started off really shaky, but grateful that it had a great outcome!

Day 330 - Wednesday 10/16/13 - SO thankful that the state testing is over!  A challenging eight days is now behind us and done for the year.

Day 329 - Tuesday 10/15/13 - Thankful for a day that got me home early enough to enjoy some time with the Pup AND get in a nice shower and dinner.

Day 328 - Monday 10/14/13 - Thankful for my therapist.  That's all.

Day 327 - Sunday 10/13/13 - Grateful for a peacefully and unseasonably warm Sunday!

Day 326 - Saturday 10/12/13 - Thankful for a lazy Saturday with a long, mid-day nap!

Day 325 - Friday 10/11/13 - Loved being a part of a special family's special day.  Much appreciation for letting me share these celebrations.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Baseball as Metaphor for Life?

I'm sure it's been done before, many, many times.  But I haven't been able to think that way, or handle that way of thinking before.

Now I think I can.


Everyone is cheering for their team.  When their team does well, all is grand.  When their team doesn't.... that's a whole different story.

Pitchers do their best to pitch with the support of their fielders for those pitches that make contact.  The fielders are prepared for almost any scenario, as they practice, practice, practice!  Same goes for the pitchers and catchers.

But there's a variable.  The batter.
You can't always predict what the batter will do, despite statistics and analysis.  It's a bit of a wild card.

Like in life.

You can be prepared for everything you can possibly prepare for.  You can study your opponents.  You can practice your pitches.  You can run through plays on the field.

But until that batter, your opponent, steps into the batters box.... you won't know how it will all play out.

Like in life.

Where you try to be planned and prepared for your day, your week, your month.  Where you try to have preventions in place to avoid major catastrophes.  Where you try to take your knowledge of your routines, your job, your expectations, your community, and know how to participate in your world without too much worry. 

Sure, people worry about money and jobs and kids, but in general, you know that life is going to be pretty routine, or so you hope.

Until the next batter comes up.
And swings at your splitter.
And rocks the world that you've grown comfortable and knowledgeable in navigating.

What then?

Thursday, October 10, 2013

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 324 - Thursday 10/10/13 - Grateful that tomorrow is Friday.  Today was unfun, to say the least, and I'm glad it's over.

Day 323 - Wednesday 10/9/13 - Thankful I held it together while getting a stern "talking to" from my boss today.  Especially considering this time, I actually did nothing wrong.

Day 322 - Tuesday 10/8/13 - Grateful that the first day of the state assessment went smoothly.  Even more grateful that there's now only 4 days of testing left.

Day 321 - Monday 10/7/13 - So glad we never got the storms we were supposed to get.  Better for the Pup to not have to deal with the thunder when I'm at work.

Day 320 - Sunday 10/6/13 - Thankful that the Pup, who was up sick all last night, is doing much better today.

Day 319 - Saturday 10/5/13 - Got my errands run, got a great nap in, and got a great massage.  All in all, thankful for a nice Saturday!

Day 318 - Friday 10/4/13 - SO thankful the week is over, and even more thankful that I got to have a great impromptu dinner with my BFF tonight!

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Week 52: Dream Vacation

OK, so this may have taken me two years, but the impetus for the blog has finally been completed!  This original blog challenge, started on October 29, 2011, has finally landed at the last post of the challenge!

And what better final topic than dreaming of a dream vacation?!

So.... in celebration of a full (two) year(s) of recovery blogging, if money was no issue.... my dream vacation would take me on a month-long tour of Europe and Asia, with a special stop in Israel. 

With camera in hand, I'd visit the historical landmarks that have shaped this planet and the people who inhabit it.  Feasting on foods (since this is a dream, I'd have no food allergies!) from many cultures, not worrying about calories (cause on this dream vacation, they don't exist!)

This dream vacation would continue with a visit to Disney World in Florida, followed by a week in paradise at my California Family's home, and culminating with an incredible, unplugged visit to the retreat center in Mexico where wi-fi doesn't exist, nor does electricity (at least in the bungalows) instead, the days are filled with blue sky, beautiful greenery, and the soothing surf of the waves upon the beach.

Maybe one day this, like recovery, will no longer be a dream.  For now, though, maybe many separate trips will actually become reality!

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Week 51: Life Lessons

Ahh.... some of the biggest lessons I've learned in life thus far..... wow.  Loaded, yet so simple, too!
Revisiting a July post of the same topic, here's a few more to add to the list:

  • Sometimes the "how" and "why" are not as important as we try to make them.  Sometimes it's only important to look at the "now" and move forward.  
  • Sometimes pain is a powerful teacher.
  • If nothing changes, nothing changes.
  • Letting go can hurt more than holding on, but it is a hurt that doesn't last as long.

Life is full of lessons.  The question is, are we ready to learn from them?

Saturday, October 5, 2013