Sunday, January 10, 2016

Making Plans Take 2


That last line.  "It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun."  But what if you DO want to have fun.  What if you made plans despite knowing you didn't want to go out, but you should give it a try.

You made plans because you know sitting home alone isn't good for you.  You made plans because you know you need to get out of the house, despite this depressive episode.

You made plans, full well knowing it would be torture dragging yourself out of the house, because you knew it was what you needed to do.

Despite all that.  Despite convincing yourself it was good to make plans, and actually making the plans.  Despite knowing it would be really hard to get out of the house and follow through with said plans.  You still made plans.

Maybe you put the hope on the shoulders of said plans that maybe this time, this time you'd have fun.  And if you had fun, maybe it'd be the start of the climb out of this depression.

It's not that I don't want to have fun.  I do.  It's that right now, fun is being overshadowed by the uninvited depression that has once again claimed me.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Making Plans

Conversation as of late has revolved around taking care of myself, both with my therapist and dietitian.  This whole self-care concept is tough for me.  I know I'm not alone when I say that I can't seem to put myself on the list, that doing things just for me makes me feel guilty.  That's definitely at least part of why my house is a disaster, yet my office is uber-organized.  (The other part would likely be..... laziness, of course!

In an attempt to take care of myself, and make my house a little more of, well, a kind place for me, I made plans this weekend, just for me.  I was intentional in making sure I didn't plan too unrealistically, too (cause you know I never over think or plan too big!)  I am kinda proud of the fact that I deliberately decided to provide some structure to my weekend that revolved solely around me.

The weekend list contained four tasks - two major, one required, and one purely personal.  The major tasks were bagging up the clothes and clutter I'm donating to charity, and actually dropping them off at the donation center.  The required task was some school work.  The pleasure task was reading a book (that has to be returned to the library next week.)

Except I'm thinking my body had other plans.  Cause I woke up this morning and couldn't lift my head off the pillow.  And every time I bent down I got dizzy.  Goal one and two, down the drain, at least for today.  Schoolwork and reading were left on the list.... and kinda still are waiting to be checked off.  What was slated (in my mind,) to be a productive yet relaxing weekend, flipped.  Minimal schoolwork accomplished.  No reading done.  Lots of napping.  Lots of glumness.

The voice of reason would say, "You're sick!  Don't push yourself and make things worse, rest up instead and you'll do what you can get done tomorrow!"

My voice said, "See?!  You tried to make plans and take care of yourself but it didn't work.  You know you get lazy on the weekends!  When will you give up on yourself and just let things be?!"

Reality says, "You're not feeling well.  Do what you can do that doesn't involve bending down, and see how you feel tomorrow."

I knew going into the weekend that I wasn't feeling all that great.  What I'm wondering now.... did I set myself up for failure?  Maybe?  Cause the whole weekend was me taking care of things for me..... which isn't my favorite thing to do..... so making this to-do list when I wasn't feeling great?  Looking for excuses, maybe?  That seems to be my mode of operation.  Look for any excuse to NOT take care of me and my needs or wishes.

Much to do, both inside and out......

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

The Perfect Day

My dietitian asked me tonight what my dream day would look like.  Dream day?  Hmmm.....

Turns out my initial response - sleeping in, yummy breakfast, nice walk with the Pup, afternoon nap, dinner - wasn't all that dreamy.  Mainly cause it was me and the Pup.  I figured it was realistic, at least.... but reality?  I didn't know what a true "dream day" would look like because I've isolated myself that much.  So it took a little thought.... and here's what I came up with.

The day would start by sleeping in late, and waking up next to my (currently non-existent) partner.  WE would then go to a little cafe or something for a delicious breakfast, lingering on the last bites of food and enjoying conversation together.  Then we'd take a nice walk at a local park or trail.  That would be followed by a nap for me, and my partner would do whatever they chose, nap or otherwise.  Together we'd prepare a yummy dinner, and end the day snuggling on the couch with popcorn and a movie.

That day sounds really quite nice.  Really nice.  Like too nice.  Too perfect.  It will involve me kicking out the mean person that lives inside my brain, kicking that part of me so far out that I have room to let people into my world..... 20 some years of (false) comfort in being alone.... never really thinking there was hope for me to be anything but alone.....  But my dietitian said it's totally possible, and that it will happen.

I trust her fully, but I don't know if I quite believe her here..... I'm gonna sure try though, cause this is a day I'd love to live through......

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Thanksgiving 2015

Well.  This generally explains my Thanksgiving experience.  This year, however, was different.  And it's taken me a while to digest the day- literally and figuratively. 

My whole life, my parents have hosted Thanksgiving.  It's always hovered around 18 people, swelling to 30 at some points in the past.  Thanksgiving has been, by far, my favorite holiday to celebrate with family because there are no gifts involved.  It's simply family getting together to share a great meal together.  Good food, sharing stories and memories, and an easy day for me to hide my eating patterns.

This year, though.... it was the first time in my life I wasn't with my family.  I shouldn't really care much about that, considering how much my family drives me nuts 85% of the time.  But it was really weird.  And I didn't like it.  I didn't like not being around everyone.  I didn't miss the cursing and arguing that ensued.  Nor did I miss the negative family members who always complain about being on the receiving end of hell.  But I did miss the family. 

Sure, we celebrated together on Friday, but it wasn't the same.  It was just the immediate family.  No aunts, uncles, cousins..... just us.  And the food Friday was non-traditional.  It was supposed to be a "leftover Thanksgiving" meal, but it morphed into leftovers, brunch, and Jewish delicacies.  The meal was actually rather schizophrenic, and as my mom changed the menu a dozen or so times in 24 hours, I ended up without much to eat.

The odd thing about the whole event was the way it confused the heck out of me.  When I was younger, I always wanted to be able to celebrate holidays with friends.  Trick-or-treat with my best friends (was never able to do so, always had to stay with family,) or new years, or even enjoy Christmas Day with my Jewish friends.  But none of that ever happened.  I was always with my family (with the exception of NYE babysitting years).  Somehow, that is what *felt* right, even though I didn't always want to be there.

So this year, I celebrated with my best friend and her family.  I knew pretty much everyone in her family, and I always enjoy hanging out with them.  It was a lovely evening, full of good food, good conversation, laughter, and relaxation.  It was quite pleasant.

But when I got in the car, it hit.  I spent the drive home alternating between tears and "I'm ok right now because" conversations in my head.  Truth was, I really was ok.  A great evening with great friends and great food?  Heading home to a warm house in a safe neighborhood, driving a safe car that's paid off - all stuff that make things perfectly good.  Perfectly all right.

Perfectly ok.  Despite what my head thinks.  That's where the confusion comes in.

So I guess I will remind myself that one of the things I am most thankful for is my treatment team - cause with their help, maybe one day I won't be as confused.....!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Right Now

Right now, I'm ok.

I'm ok because I have a refrigerator with my favorite food inside.
I'm ok because in a little while, I get to crawl into my warm bed.
I'm ok because I went to work this morning at a place I enjoy.
I'm ok because had two doctor appointments today that were positive.
I'm ok because I have my laptop in front of me.
I'm ok because my dog is curled up next to me.
I'm ok because I'm cozy and warm inside my house.
I'm ok because my belly is full from a warm bowl of soup.

I'm ok because I know that I am safe right now.

Right now, I'm ok.