Homework

I rarely get homework from my therapist.  I sometimes wish she'd give me homework more often.  At least until I actually get homework.  You know how that goes - you wish for something, then when you get it, you regret wishing for it in the first place?  Yep.  I'm there.

We've been dancing around the topic of self-image.  Mine is sucks.  Like, seriously sucks.  I have such a twisted perception of myself - both in how I look and in who I am.  I see nothing but flaws and failures.

Well, supposedly I am the only person that sees me this way.  My therapist *promised* me that no one else sees me the way I see me.  She also made a point of reminding me that she's never lied to me in the past.  She's always honest.  She is right about that.

Which means that I have two choices:
I can trust her, taking her word that no one else sees me the way I do. 
or
I can actually ask others what they see in me.

Because I rarely follow the rules, I chose both.

I DO trust my therapist, more than anyone else on this planet.  And she has never lied to me.  Ever.  Everything she tells me is honest, sometimes brutally honest, but always spoken with care.  Yet, I need a little help in trying to see me from the kinder eye of others.

So I've selected a select few, whom I trust more than most (which says a lot, since I trust few!) to ask the question "what do you see when you see me?"  My request was specific, I only want facts (thank you DBT!) as it is more helpful to work with facts than opinions (also known sometimes as judgements in the DBT world.)

Now....... I wait...... and hold on to the fact that I trust my therapist..... I trust my therapist..... I trust my therapist......

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 171 - Friday 5/10/13 - Thankful that it's Friday.  Thankful that today was a casual day at work.  Thankful that I get to come home to The Pup after long days and weeks like this.

Day 172 - Saturday 5/11/13 - Appreciative of the fact that I am NOT where I was a year ago.

Day 173 - Sunday 5/12/13 - Much gratitude for the gift of being present with four generations of women in my family to celebrate Mother's Day.

Day 174 - Monday 5/13/13 - Love my doctor, even when I don't love what she has to say.  Grateful for my whole team, who cushion the falls I take.

Day 175 - Tuesday 5/14/13 - Grateful for my health, despite the challenges I face, I am able to do much with myself.

Day 176 - Wednesday 5/15/13 - Thankful for this unexpected burst of energy that I've had today.  Don't know where it came from, but I'll take it!

Day 177 - Thursday 5/16/13 - Grateful for the opportunity to share some of my tech-ness with my peers today.

Hello Reality. I've missed you.

A year ago, I was recovering from major surgery.  As a matter of fact, exactly one year ago, Mother's Day, I was bed-ridden with an infection, deciding whether or not it warranted a trip to the ER or not.  Needless to say, a year ago, I was not in a good place.  Physically and mentally.

Today was a bit of an eye-opener.  I had my regular check-in with my doctor, and went in quite chipper, actually!  Things may not be great but they are pretty darn ok these days.  School is awesome.  I love coming home to The Pup every day.  I might not be eating the most balanced of meals, but I'm maintaining.

At least I thought I was.

Turns out I've lost a bit of weight since my last visit two months ago.  Enough to heighten my the concern of my doctor.  Enough to get her on the phone with my dietitian.  In the middle of my check-in.  Rather unexpectedly.  Doctor says that she's technically not concerned right now.  Says that the number on the scale isn't as important as what comes back from my labs.  That's the numbers that matter more.

The whole visit threw me for a loop.  It felt like a nose dive, actually.  A fast, spiraling out of control nose dive.  I'd like to say that the nose dive is over, landing safely in the security of my therapist's office immediately following my doctor visit.  I'd like to say that in crashing into the comfort of her sofa, the padded landing straightened out the chaotic loop.  Ended the nose dive on impact.

Truth is, while it didn't end the tailspin, talking with my therapist helped bring me back to reality.  And while I am definitely in the "three steps back" phase at the moment, I'm gonna do my best to not let it send me significantly backward.  Which isn't going to be easy.

But who said life was gonna be easy?

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 164 - Friday 5/3/13 - TGIF.  Seriously.  It's been a week.  Though specific for today?  I am very grateful to have an open mind, which enables me to enjoy school "stuff" more than many of my colleagues.

Day 165 - Saturday 5/4/13 - Grateful for a lazy morning..... much appreciated after a long week, and perfectly capped with a visit to my dietitian!

Day 166 - Sunday 5/5/13 - Thrilled that I finally found a new comforter!  I've been looking for ages, and I finally found one I like!

Day 167 - Monday 5/6/13 - So much gratitude for my therapist and her amazing way of working with words. 

Day 168 - Tuesday 5/7/13 - Loving the little things that make the world better.... like impromptu shoe shopping with the BFF.....

Day 169 - Wednesday 5/8/13 - Thankful for the beautiful, blooming blossoms on the trees outside my windows.  They remind me to stay in the moment, as they only bloom for a short week before they snow pink petals.

Day 170 - Thursday 5/9/13 - Blown away by my students presentations and SO grateful to be able to guide them on their journeys this year!

At last!

I had a pretty cool experience yesterday.  Or, more likely the experience of yesterday, months and months in the making, did not go unnoticed.  That's a more accurate description.

You might remember that a little over a year ago, I was in complete agony over my dietitian's maternity leave.  Actually, agony doesn't quite describe it.  More like, an unbearably intolerably excruciating inner ache.  Not gonna revisit that, but you can read more if you want.

Anyway.  Back to yesterday.  As I was heading for my visit with my dietitian, it hit me that it was three weeks since I last saw her.  Three weeks.  Three, rather chaotic, exhausting, long, weeks.  Three trying, frustrating, agonizing weeks.  But those three weeks were missing one thing.

In the past, when a week went by without a visit with my dietitian, I felt a desperate sense of longing, an urgency of sorts.  I could not go without my weekly visit, my weekly hug.  When we moved into visits every other week, that same longing was there, elevated at first, and while it did subside, it never fully went away.

Until recently.

Three weeks.  A few months ago, just the idea of going three weeks between appointments would have brought about crippling anxiety.  So you'd think that upon seeing my dietitian yesterday, for the first time in three weeks, I'd have that old sense of desperation and longing hanging around my neck.

Not the case.  Yes, I am just as surprised as you are.  There was no agonizing longing, no desperate sense of need.  There was just a sense of contentment in seeing my dietitian for the first time in three, long and crazy weeks.

I believe that I've finally arrived at what the psychology world calls "secure attachment."  This type of attachment is what I feel to be the healthiest, and yet, it's one I've experienced the least.  I have to admit, I was very excited to see my dietitian yesterday, and equally excited to share with her the news - that I now finally know that she's going to always be there for me, whether it's been days, weeks, or months between our visits.

Feels pretty darn good, if you ask me.

365 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 157 - Friday 4/26/13 - SO thankful that an unexpected conversation with a difficult parent turned out to be so positive! 

Day 158 - Saturday 4/27/13 - Grateful for a sun-drenched nap this afternoon.... so yum!

Day 159 - Sunday 4/28/13 - Grateful for little coincidences.  Especially on dreary, rainy days. 

Day 160 - Monday 4/29/13 - Thankful for the quiet patience that has crept into my classroom during this anything-but-quiet project work.  Feeling pretty ok about where we are in the timeline - it's all good!

Day 161 - Tuesday 4/30/13 - Appreciate the little things, like sunshine after rain and quiet time after a loud day.

Day 162 - Wednesday 5/1/13 - It has been a privilege to have been able to participate in the leadership academy during the past two years.  I am so grateful I got to be a part of it!

Day 163 - Thursday 5/2/13 - Feeling SO thrilled with the progress my class has made!  They have been staying on schedule, and are doing such an amazing job on their projects!

Inspired By...

This is a little complicated to explain, so please, gather your bag of breadcrumbs and try to follow the trail....

Sundays.  Tayla over at She'll Be Free has this great feature called Sunday Link Love.  She finds all sorts of goodies, and shares them in one easy-to-access post to start off the week.  In reading through the links this week, I stumbled across an article that made a lot of sense to me!

The link was from another blog, called Roots of She.  The post?  This one.  All about fear.  Now, you may want to head over and read the whole post (it isn't that long, and it's an easy read) but for my purposes here, I've quoted the chord that struck me:

"I sat and looked underneath the fear – what were the needs sitting underneath its surface? What was it I really wanted?......  To feel safe, to feel cozy, to feel loved......  I could meet those needs in other ways, in healthier and more healing ways, than by staying at home.......  To feel cozy: I wanted the soft feeling of a blanket wrapped around me so I wore a long, soft sweater to work and super fuzzy knee socks...... When you’re able to break down the fear or stress or anxiety, you can begin to meet the needs that are underneath it."

This is a bit of a patched together excerpt, as I eliminated a few parts here and there, cause this is the part that spoke to me.  I've had those mornings, like she writes of at the start of her post, where I just want to curl up in bed with The Pup, a soft blanket, and shut the world out for a little longer.  Days where getting up and going to work is the last thing I want to do.

Today was one of those mornings.  And taking a little inspiration from that article, I managed to get myself cozied up, carry-out style.  I found a very comfy sweater that felt like a soft blanket wrapped around me.  I found the softest socks that I had.

You know what?  It worked.  Sounds a little silly, but that big, comfy sweater and those soft, comfy socks got me out of the house and to work.  Yeah, once I got to work, and got into the day, things were peachy.  But those little comforts, they're what got me to work so that I could get into my peachy-keen day.

Sometimes it seems a simple thing.... yet, it makes a incredible impact.

(P.S.  If you're not sure what the title of this post means..... well, it's still poetry month, 

and it's a bit of a hat tip to one of my favorite poetry books - Love That Dog by Sharon Creech.)

Sketches in Stillness

I came across a new blog (by way of Facebook friends) that I have become completely smitten with.  It isn't so much a blog.... well, at least not in the sense I think of when I hear the word "blog."  It's more of an artist's blog, a sketch pad, you could say.

Anyway, I was perusing the pages and found the image here-

YogiPets Sitting - Sketches in Stillness

Love.... could it really be that simple?