Sunday, February 28, 2016

Don't Wanna

I'm sitting on the sofa, mentally organizing the next few days so that the week starts off smoothly.  I'm listening to the Pup exercise his lungs (it's rather windy here today) and reveling in the softness of his fur.

And I'm cringing, cause I really don't wanna get take a shower.  Yep.  You read that right.  I don't want to take a shower.  I'm an adult.  I'm a professional.  And I don't want to shower.  At all.  When did I last shower?  Thursday.  Today's Sunday.  Don't have a choice here and yes, I know that.  I also recognize how ridiculous this sounds, that an adult doesn't want to shower.

But I don't. 

And this, unfortunately, is becoming a more frequent occurrence in my world.  Winter seems to bring it out in me.  The turtle, hibernation, hermit season of hiding.  Winter also seems to be the busy time for depression to flex it's muscles and stretch it's legs.

I'm not using that as an excuse, and do not worry, I will shower.... eventually.  It's just that the effort it takes to perform a seemingly simple and daily task of showering sometimes feels like it's out of my reach, even when I stand on tiptoes.

The wet, cold, shivering, bare-skin, cold floor, yuk of showering combined with the stupid amount of time it takes to dry my tresses which must be dried so the color doesn't bleed on everything, makes me feel like crawling into bed and curling up into the fetal position for hours.

Guess that's why showering at night seems to work best when I'm like this?  Can anyone relate?

Thursday, February 25, 2016

NEDA Week: What Counts

1,520 days.  That's how long I've been counting.  In those 1,520 days, I recorded every single morsel of food that went into my mouth.  I recorded every single iota of beverage, of snack, of sweet.... everything that entered my body has been recorded for the last 1,520 days.

And it's been a constant weight in my brain, in my world, in my life.... but I did it.  I counted everything.  Up until now.

I recently spent two weeks traveling abroad, where counting my food was next to impossible.  I tried, believe me, but it was way more complicated than anything I anticipate, so I had to press pause on the counting and recording.  It's probably a good thing, because I spent much of my energy on the trip staying present and not losing my mind to anxiety.

Anyway.  I'm home now.  I've been home for a bit.  And I'm not counting.  And it's not easy.  Not easy at all.

There's a small sense of relief that I no longer need to record every single bite that enters my body.  Small.  There's a large sense of anxiety that I will under eat, or over eat, or eat really, really badly, and since I have no record of that..... more anxiety.

But I'm gonna give it a go.  A trial.  My dietitian reminded me that we can see how it goes and adjust as needed.  My therapist was thrilled.  Supposedly letting go of counting calories will free up space in my brain for other, more positively helpful.  I hope they're right.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

NEDA Week - Light it up blue

Tonight, all around the country, landmarks and buildings will be lit up blue to raise awareness about eating disorders.  The list has grown from years past, and while not every state is included, each new location added to the list that lights it up blue makes a difference!

Yup.  Truth.  Depression and anxiety can even mask eating disorders.  They're good at that.  Take a few minutes, take the screening, share it with a friend you're concerned about, talk to your doctor.... take the time to take care of you....

Monday, February 22, 2016

NEDA Week 2016

It's that time of year again - National Eating Disorder Awareness week.  This year's theme is 3 minutes can save a life.  And they can.  All it takes is 3 minutes to take a screening of which you can bring the results to your doctor and you can begin getting the support you need to regain a positive relationship with food.  Or in my case, begin building a positive relationship with food.

As an aside, most of the time, if not all of the time, eating disorders are not about food.  Not even close.  Food is the tool, the drug so to speak, that covers the real issues.  If you think you have an eating disorder, get help.  You're worth it.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Making Plans Take 2


That last line.  "It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun."  But what if you DO want to have fun.  What if you made plans despite knowing you didn't want to go out, but you should give it a try.

You made plans because you know sitting home alone isn't good for you.  You made plans because you know you need to get out of the house, despite this depressive episode.

You made plans, full well knowing it would be torture dragging yourself out of the house, because you knew it was what you needed to do.

Despite all that.  Despite convincing yourself it was good to make plans, and actually making the plans.  Despite knowing it would be really hard to get out of the house and follow through with said plans.  You still made plans.

Maybe you put the hope on the shoulders of said plans that maybe this time, this time you'd have fun.  And if you had fun, maybe it'd be the start of the climb out of this depression.

It's not that I don't want to have fun.  I do.  It's that right now, fun is being overshadowed by the uninvited depression that has once again claimed me.

Friday, January 1, 2016