Thursday, July 30, 2015

Thankful Thursday - Year 3

Day 265 - Thursday 7/30/15 - Kinda nice to take my walk early this morning along the beach with my Dad's company.  (Shocking that I just said that, but true!)

Day 263 - Wednesday 7/29/15 - Enjoyed having the beach to ourselves this morning, and this mini-vacation continues to pleasantly surprise me.

Day 262 - Tuesday 7/28/15 - Shocked and appreciative at how lovely today was, considering I spent it with my family.

Day 261 - Monday 7/27/25 - Grateful for the adjusted schedule this week that allowed me to see my therapist on my way out of town, literally.

Day 260 - Sunday 7/26/15 - 

Day 259 - Saturday 7/25/15 - SO appreciative of my BFF, who came over tonight to help me weed through the clutter-overload at home right now.  We made a HUGE dent in it, thanks to her help!

Day 258 - Friday 7/24/15 - Well, I spoke up for myself, and was promised some peace because of it.  Let's see if that actually happens.

The "L" Word

Today I was posed with a task that is proving to be way more of a challenge than it should be.

See, I just returned from a brief vacation with my family (first time in for-ev-er!) and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the trip.  (Never, ever thought I'd say that!)  Anyway, it was suggested to me by someone I very much trust and respect that I send a thank you note to my parents, who I know worked quite hard to make sure I (and my high maintenance requests) were accommodated and that I was comfortable with everyone.

The thank you, though an idea I never would have had, was fine.  I could do that, no problem.  But somehow, it led into another conversation that still, hours later, has me unable to press send on the thank you note.

How do you close a letter to your parents when you really don't have the greatest of relationships, when they are "overly interested" in being in your world, and when there are absolutely zero boundaries?

I wanted to sign it with something simple, like "xoxox" but that isn't what was suggested.  I played around with a few others, such as "with appreciation" and "hugs" but again, not what was suggested.

The "L" word is what was suggested.  More specifically, I was encouraged to close the thank you with "I L you" but I can't.  I just can't.  The "L" word has such strength behind it, I just don't feel like I can use it with my family.  (Yes, I know I'm referring to the "L" word as "it," just goes to show how uncomfortable that word makes me feel.

So, in an effort to understand what the closing actually means, I did what any anxiety-ridden techie does - I went to Google.  I was enlightened, but still.... yeah....

So it turns out that signing a note or letter "love ya" actually is less "strong" as signing "love you" and that is less strong than signing "I love you" or "love always," which are quite strong and serious.  Then there are the variety of signatures that hold similar connotation and strengths, such as "affectionately," and "ever yours," and adoringly," and "with love" and all the other closings that make my stomach churn.

Don't get me wrong, I can liberally use the "L" word in the "right" setting.  Like saying "I love my dog," or "I LOVE maple walnut fudge."  In that situation, the "L" word fits without hesitation.  It's when applying it to people......

Growing up, every single phone conversation with my parents ended with "Love you" which drastically diluted the meaning of the "L" word, and contributed to my aversion to using it.  To me, it's got power and, well, how shall I put it..... power, strength, and an overwhelming amount of warmth that fill it, I just don't like using it unless it's really all those things.  Guess that's part of growing up with the deep scars in which I did, and learning to overcome my aversion while accepting the scars is part of the work my team and I are in for..... Oy.

Guess I better go send that email........

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Thankful Thursdays - Year 3

Day 257 - Thursday 7/23/15 - A brief bonus visit with my dietitian ended a productive, and fairly satisfying day with a smile.

Day 256 - Wednesday 7/22/15 - Appreciate the reminder that we all have gifts that others appreciate, which means we get to appreciate others as they appreciate us.

Day 255 - Tuesday 7/21/15 - So nice to talk to my dietitian again.  Two weeks is still just a tad too long for me to go between visits.

Day 244 - Monday 7/20/15 - I love when my therapist makes sense of things that I can't seem to unwind.

Day 243 - Sunday 7/19/15 - Enjoyed plenty of sunshine-filled pool time today.  It was quite nice!

Day 242 - Saturday 7/18/15 -  Treated myself to a treat at the mall tonight.  Hey, I walked for a while, I earned it!

Day 241 - Friday 7/17/15 -  Loved that I had the pool all to myself this afternoon!

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Just Keep Swimming....

Today was another scorcher.  Pair the high temps with intermittent rain, and mother nature was left alone much of the day, as was the pool.

It's been four weeks and five days since I began my commitment to fitness.   During that time, I've averaged about 45 minutes a day of intentional walking.  Intentional.  That's the big shift.  I am actually planning time in my day for my walk.  I'm scheduling it in based on the plans for the day, to make sure it happens.  I've made a walk happen 30 out of 33 days.  And that's pretty good, to me. 

Like Dory said, "just keep swimming" or in my case, just keep walking.  I don't love walking every day.  There have been more than a few days where I want to skip the scheduled walk.  Thankfully, once I start out on my walk, I usually enjoy it.  It's work, but it's fairly pleasant work.  And I know it's good for me.

Just keep walking..... that's what I did today.  I was gonna make it a day off - too hot to walk outside, too hot to even walk in the pool.  Instead, I got creative.  I went to the mall.  A place I generally do not enjoy.  I went though, knowing the intention to walk daily is one I'm trying to hold myself to.  I figured I'd get some good people watching in, too.

And I did.  For about 45 minutes, all was
good.  Until I started noticing people more closely.  I realized that what I see as "nicely dressed" is what most people wear every day.  Ugh.  Strike one.  I also realized that ladies shorts are have grown shorter and shorter over the last few years.  It made my stomach hurt watching so many females - all ages, mind you - walking around and tugging their shorts down to cover their cheeks.  Strike two.

Once I noticed that, I started noticing the mannequins in the windows.  Where all the female mannequins are barely dressed and standing on tiptoes, looking uncomfortable, as opposed to the male ones, flat footed and sporting nice outfits, yet looking comfortable.  Strike three.  I was inwardly cringing, knowing that no matter what I do, or how much fitness I incorporate into my life, or how well I eat, I'm never, ever going to have a body that will be able to wear even a fraction of the clothes in the windows.

I know this about me, about my body.  I know that my body doesn't agree with most things in fashion.  I'm aware that I would not be comfortable in the outfits the mannequins were wearing, no matter how nice I thought they looked.  Not gonna happen with this body.  Which to this day, still depresses me.

But I'm learning.  I'm learning to dress for the body I have, not for the body I want.  I'm learning to make positive food choices, even though I know my body will never change.  I'm learning that intention matters.  I'm learning that fitness isn't just about body shape, it's about feeling good that you made the time to take care of your body.

And despite all of this, I hope.... I intend to.... no matter the situation or circumstances.... just keep walking....

Friday, July 17, 2015

A Summer Swim

It's been hot here.  Like, really, really hot.  Now, granted, it's summer in the mid-west, so anything is possible weather-wise, but this?  This is hot.  And it's gonna get hotter.

One of the biggest reasons I moved here is because of the pool.  It has a beautiful pool!  Even better is that it is rarely in use during the day (though it's packed in the evenings!)  I looked forward to lazy days floating around the pool, enjoying summer to it's fullest.

And for the first few years, I did.  Until I couldn't anymore.  Until I couldn't be in the pool without turning it into a haven for over-exercising.  And when my doctor ordered no more exercise, that ceased.  Fast forward to a few years ago, and I was given permission to use the pool again.  You'd think I'd be excited.

But I wasn't.  Cause at this point I flat out refused to wear a bathing suit.  Sure, I have a shorty wetsuit, that I could easily wear in the pool.  But then I'd look like an idiot.  So I just avoided the pool all together.

Until this summer.  I've enjoyed it a few times already, with a good book.  It's been pretty nice, too, as the pool continues to be empty during the day when I use it, and busy in the evenings.  That gives me plenty of time and space to walk around the pool enjoying my book.

It's been nice.  Until today. 

Today, I was literally up to my shoulders in the water, holding my book that I was reading, which was nice.  Until my hands started sweating like faucets.  Sure, it happens a lot outside of the pool (thanks to the oh-so-UGH hyperhydrosis,) but that's never happened to me in the pool before.  Ever.

I walked back in the door in tears.  My body has been particularly difficult the past few weeks.  Between unusually challenging female problems, to extreme fatigue and exhaustion, to the return of headaches, to mysterious lower back pain, I've been batting 100.  And I am not dealing with it well.  I fight with myself on a daily basis to take care of my body..... it feels like painfully hard work that I don't often want to do.  Yet, I know I've got to do it. 

My nutritionist commented the other day, "wouldn't it be awesome if everything was what it was supposed to be?!" Well, yeah.  But at this point, I'll take a one day break from the pain and exhaustion.  Maybe that will give me some more energy so I can continue working on this puzzle my body is.  Cause lately, it feels like what used to be a 100 piece puzzle has turned into a 1000 piece puzzle with no picture guidance.

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Thankful Thursdays - Year 3

Day 240 - Thursday 7/16/15 -  Nothing as good as baby snuggles while the Pup is sleeping next to me.

Day 239 - Wednesday 7/15/15 - Awesome day at work! I still can't believe that I get to work here every day!

Day 238 - Tuesday 7/14/15 - Glad that the storms didn't hit while I was at work today.  The Pup is glad, too.

Day 237 - Monday 7/13/15 - Appreciate the teamwork used by my treatment team, their thoughtfulness, foresight, and just plain kindness feels like a much needed blanket sometimes.

Day 236 - Sunday 7/12/15 - Great brunch with my sister-in-law, who is more like a sister.  Enjoyed it so much we decided that we've got to do it more often!

Day 235 - Saturday 7/11/15 - Spent a chunk of today in the pool and it was sooooo refreshing!

Day 234 - Friday 7/10/15 - Great spontaneous lunch with a friend, productive afternoon taking a project from start to completion!