Jumping Ship

Tonight I did something that I haven't done in over 20 years.

A part of me is really sad that I caved.  I almost feeling like saying "you win" to my team.  I mean, after all, this was their idea.  Sure, it took four years for it to move from idea to encouragement to consideration to well, basically I've gone through the stages of grief, actually.  And I've finally moved from acceptance to action.

Tonight I intentionally ate meat.
And I didn't vomit.
And I didn't die.
And I didn't melt like the wicked witch.

Who knows what tomorrow morning will bring, or even the middle of the night, as my stomach is quite the hyper sensitive beast.  But I ate.  An entire cup of chicken rice soup.  I even drank the broth at the end of the cup.

This was (as exaggerated as it sounds) an excruciating task.  It meant giving up the title of "vegetarian" which I've coveted since I was 13 years old.  It meant giving up on what has proven to be the most useful tool in my eating disordered box of supplies.  My eating disorder has one less ally now, and that worries me.  Maybe it shouldn't, but it does.

It worries me because the path to recovery, which has been a dirt road littered with gravel and rocks, often challenging to travel, might just be starting to smooth out.  That should be good.  Making traveling forward easier, leaving more and more disordered eating behaviors behind me.  But those behaviors have been my travel companions for so long, leaving this one, the original, the biggest supporter behind?  It's anxiety inducing.

On the up side, it means that there is room for another tool, a healthier eating tool.  It means that, as long as there are no detrimental reactions to meat becoming a part of my body (and yes, I will give it a full six weeks to try out,) my menu will grow astronomically.

A part of me feels like I failed.  Like I couldn't keep up, even after more than 20 years, a vegetarian diet.  The reality is that when I became a vegetarian at 13, I only had one known food allergy.  20 some years later, I have a dozen.  Those are not choices.  I must avoid them.  The vegetarian avoidance is a choice.  It always has been.  One I hold very tightly to.  I mean, I am a vegetarian.  Period.  It's my choice to continue with that vegetarianism at the potential expense of my body, or make the choice to eat meat again as a way to better take care of my body.  I might hate the outside of my body, but I really do want to take care of the inside.

Distressing.  Confusing.  Sad.  Anxious.  Remorseful.

But also kinda proud of myself for pushing through this massive hurdle and making the attempt to take care of my body in the way it needs.  Kinda.

Almost Famous

I love this movie.  It happened to be on today when I got home,  and when I turned to the channel, this scene was playing.  I love this scene.  There are so many things I love about this scene.  On so many levels.

I am a Kate Hudson fan, and always have been.  She sends a very positive message to the world, and while I know TV is not real at all, she comes across as a person who would make for a good friend.

This.  Scene.  Where William yells at Penny Lane about the Real World, and the confusion all the rules and sayings and nicknames.... I get it.  While this movie is completely fictitious, the idea of being in a false reality, as in on tour with the band, is familiar.  The rules of this "world" and all the sayings and such?  I get it.  And I get why William is mad.  He sees the potential.

I've lived in this world.  I think I still do.

For years, I participated in a sport that was more expensive than I could afford.  I was literally surrounded by people who dropped $15K a weekend, and purchased horses worth more than a new car.  I lived in that fantasy world for years.  At first, I loved it.  But deep down, I knew I didn't fit.  I tried.  I tried hard to fit.  And there were times, moments like Penny's reaction at the end of the clip, where I swallowed the "this isn't right" and "I know I am worth more" feeling and shoved ahead, even though I knew there was a better place for me in the world.

I relied on humor a lot back then, and I'm finding myself relying, once again, on humor as I navigate my new world.  Yes, my new world.  My new job that I began this summer required a massive change of venue, and a huge shift in working overall.

All good.  All good for sure.

Except.  Once again, I feel like the end of this scene, where no matter what Penny is thrown, she will always, always, always smile through the tears, lighten the situation, and not let it get to her.  But I saw her face.  I saw her reaction.  The tears.  The brief but powerful shift of her gaze.  I recognized it.  Cause I do it.

And this new job?  Yes, it's my dream job.  And yes, I love it.  But I feel like an outsider in the "real world" of this community.  I do have a commonality with everyone, which is good, but.... the rules... the nicknames.... the sayings..... the confusion..... the inner hurt because I don't get it.  It's outside of my knowledge base.  And it makes me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself.

Here's the thing.  Everyone has said if I have questions, feel free to ask.  And I have asked questions, and people have patiently explained and clarified.  And like in the movie, everything in the end comes around, through the road blocks and confusion, there is a sense of peace as the credits roll.

Right now, though, I'm in the end of the scene.  The first few weeks of school were crazy, and it would have been no shock to anyone if I broke down at all.  What people don't know is that on the inside, I was frustrated to the point of tears.  But on the outside, I was smiling and cracking jokes.  And keeping everyone shielded from any emotion that wasn't positive.

I'm really getting tired of smiling through those tears.  Really tired.

That's Me!

Yep.  That's me.  Hypersensitive.  Oversensitive.  Emotionally excessive.  Call it what you want.  

Just make sure that from now on, you call me an Empathetic Badass.

Equations

Have you ever known something, but not really *known* it?

Clarification: Have you know that something was truth, but been unable to see it as such?

That's where I was, and still sort of am.

I mean, I know the truth is my truth, and I am finally fine with that.

It's everything else that I'm struggling with.

Example: I think anything that is unknown is scary.

Scary, in my mind, is equated to bad.

So when there are new an unknown feelings and emotions popping up,
of course I think that all those feelings are uncomfortable and want them to go away.

Except.  A question my therapist posed made me stop and ponder.

Just because it's a new, unknown feeling, does it have to be bad?

Unknown feeling + My mind = Yes
Unknown feeling + Reality = No

Except.  In my mind, every feeling and emotion is bad until proven otherwise.

Example: Imagine that you've spent your whole life blind.
Now imagine that you've been granted surgery that gives you sight
for the first time in your life.

The world is going to be so new, full of surprises and overwhelming experiences
that are exciting, even if they're a little scary.

That's what I'm talking about.

It's as if my whole world changed in an instant.  It opened up.
There are so many new things to look at and explore,
and it is entirely overwhelming to me.

Excitement? 

I'll let you in on a secret.  

I am afraid to admit that I'm a little excited about these new feelings, 

about this new found sight, so to speak.

I mean, 

new + unknown + feelings = scary + bad

at least that's been the past equation.

Now?

new + unknown + feelings = opportunity + fear + excitement

 maybe?

The A Word Revisited

A little over a year ago, I had a rather unpleasant encounter with the A word.  Probably not the word you are thinking right now!

Anger.

At the time, I was in a very frustrating situation involving people close to me.  (I purposely avoided even using the A word!!)  Off the top of my head I don't remember what triggered the situation, though I do remember how horrible I felt:

Engulfed with sadness (that was covering the anger.)  

Swimming in fears (which were masking the anger.) 

Swallowed by a tremendous inner turmoil (that was disguising the anger.)

And extremely, extremely, self-destructive (which was the anger turned inward.)

At the time, anger was not allowed in my vocabulary.  It was evicted from my body (or so I thought) and sent permanently away.  Not only was anger not in my vocabulary, it was NEVER an emotion I experienced (or so I thought.)

Well, seems that I've been revisited by the anger train.  Except this time, instead of burying it, ignoring it, pretending it didn't exist, all the things I have done my whole life..... I felt it.

I felt anger.  

I.  Felt.  Angry.

And I didn't explode.

(Yeah, I'll admit it, I imploded a bit,
but even that was not nearly as destructive as a year ago.) 

This time, my first reaction was not a helpful one.  My second reaction was not a helpful one.  My third reaction was not a helpful one.  But I allowed (unconsciously) each of those reactions to come into view, dangle for a few minutes, and pass, without grabbing on to one of them and acting on what could have been rather quite self-destructive.

While my chosen coping tool wasn't the most positive, no one got hurt.  (Had I gone with either of my first three reactions... yeah, things would have gotten really ugly.)  And after using my words to journal about the situation and talk and process the situation, I found that I didn't feel angry anymore.

I survived, what one year ago would have been a catastrophic set-back, that this time, left me relatively unscathed.  Yes, it ruined my entire weekend.  Yes, I felt extremely miserable for a few days.  Yes, I thought I would never escape the angst that enveloped me.

I felt anger, and my world didn't end.  It didn't come crashing down around me.  It didn't cause me physical harm.  I didn't allow that anger to put me in a space of self harm.

I felt anger..... and I survived.

Progress.

Reality Check

I realized that the last few weeks, most of the posts on the blog have been a bit evasive, and somewhat fluffy.  I think that's because that's where I am.  I'm working my darndest to avoid the reality that surrounds me, and am trying to keep things as light and fluffy as I can.

But reality is setting in, which usually happens after a day of isolation and introspection.  And I'm going to give you a rare glimpse into my mind with the hope that maybe, just maybe, someone out there can relate and won't feel as alone as I do right now.

Last week I found out that the episodes I've been experiencing were actually related to PTSD.  I didn't take the news well.  As nice as it was to find out that there is a name for what has been happening all these years, it was also rather disturbing. 

I found myself really having to think *so* hard all week.  Everything I did took intense effort.  All the little things that are usually so simple - making lunch, getting out the door, setting up the classroom for the day - everything that I've done without huge effort for years was an insurmountable mountain this week.  Monday and Tuesday were manageable, but by Wednesday, I was losing it.  Seriously.  Being a holiday week, ironically, made things easier.  Because of the celebration scheduled for Thursday, and a presentation scheduled for Friday, I was able to coast through those extremely painful days.

My therapist read the criteria for PTSD of which I meet nearly every single one. I think that what is hardest for me to digest is the fact that though my siblings and I grew up in the same house, with the same parents, I am the lucky one who is dealing with this.  I'm the one riddled with mental and physical health challenges.  The one who hyperventilates walking into my parents house.

And in some ways, I am lucky.  For years and years I've stuffed my emotions, avoided feeling anything, resisted letting myself get attached to anyone, and ignored my feelings until they exploded.  The last few months I've been working to avoid learning to feel feelings, and be with myself while they wash over me.  It's finally sinking in that in order to move through, and past, these PTSD episodes, the only way to do so is to let those feelings be felt. 

Let the feelings be felt.  Just typing that terrifies me.  But the blessing in finally coming to terms with this diagnosis is that now I have no choice.  It is time.  Time to start feeling my way through this hell, cause what is on the other side has got to be better than this.

Looking Back....

I don't know if it's the season, or what, but today I journeyed back in time.... I found myself visiting blog posts from a year ago, and I think I'm pleased by what I've found?  Maybe?  Sorta?

A year ago today, I posted "Got Feelings?" on the blog.  The post was mostly about the fact that at that time, I was constantly fighting tears, and getting kind of sick of them!  The quote "I hate the moment when suddenly my anger turns into tears." was incredibly fitting at the time, because a year ago, I was still refusing to feel any anger.  I just couldn't let myself feel that emotion.  I thought I'd burst and be overwhelmed if I let myself feel anger.

Fast forward to the present moment.... yeah, I'm still battling tears, and I'm still pretty depressed.... BUT.... I have begun the process of learning to FEEL my FEELINGS.  All of them.  Yep.... even anger.  I still am working to identify some of these feelings, and the things that trigger them, but the good news is that I am actually able to feel them without exploding!  I think that's a pretty good accomplishment!

Still working on a lot, still dealing with a lot of the same crud, but at a different layer.  It's kinda like I'm reading and writing the next chapter all at the same time.  I'm rather glad that I chose to do a look back today, because I tend to focus on how much more work I have ahead of me instead of pausing and realizing that I really have come a long way!

Protection?

Right now, I'm working my @$$ off to protect myself from sinking deeper into the sadness that has been my world lately.  Everything feels like another reason to be depressed, sad, frustrated....

I didn't think about the fact that when I protect, or shield myself from sadness, I'm also shielding myself from the rest of the feelings out there, including happiness.  Happiness.... Reminds me of another quote, the one that says that happiness is not a destination, it's a way of life.

My way of living life has been in the depressive fog of my situation.  I'd like to change that...

Hoplessness?

Shirt Woot - My favorite place for irony!

This is exactly what I feel like right now.  I feel like I am stuck in a tangled mess of a web searching for the elusive light at the end of the tunnel, the place where happiness resides.

I know, I know, happiness is a feeling, not a destination.  No one can be happy all the time.  At this point, I'll take inner peace, calmness, silence, anything at all to turn of the nasty DJ that lives in my brain.

It sucks.  Like really, really sucks.  And I'd pay just about anything to break the radio, fire the DJ, and play only peaceful, positive, growth-minded tracks.  Believe me, I get that happiness is not something that people are 100% of the time.  I'd settle for 10% of my day spent listening to the happiness station, heck, at this point I'd take 5% of the day.  I just can't live under the constant strain of this DJ.  The longer I listen to these stations, the more hopeless I feel.  Hopeless is not a feeling I enjoy.  Hopeless is not something I want others to feel, either.

Hopeless is when your favorite team is down by 8 runs in the bottom of the 9th, has no men on, and two outs.  That's hopeless.  Hopeless is not a way of life.  Obviously my inner DJ didn't get that memo.

Week 42: Overcoming Stressful Times

Stress?  I have NO idea what you're talking about.  My life is stress free, and any stress that does exist is chocolate covered, making it easily digestible.  I have the patience of a rock, the grace of a swan, and flow like the waves in the ocean, quietly kissing the shore and retreating seamlessly.

Whatever.  (I can dream, right?)

Stress? My world is covered in stress, where as I'd much prefer a chocolate covered world.  This topic is actually rather timely for me, as this time of year is pretty stressful and frustrating for me.  It's also an opportunity for me to remind myself what tools I do have to get me through stressfully frustrating times like these.

One tool that helps is to focus on my breathing.  Usually that involves remembering to breathe!  I try to count my inhales and exhales and use my breath to distract myself from the situation that is setting off the alarms in my head.  From the breathing I try to move into my phone list - I have a few friends that I know are exceptionally good at getting me out of tough spots in a short conversation.  If my phone list isn't available, then I'll pull out my distraction box.  This box is literally a toolbox of distractions that are neatly packaged and always stored in the same place so I can grab it at my lowest level of functioning.

An overarching tool that I try to constantly remember is the slogan "this too shall pass" as an effort to remind me that the situation may feel stressful at the moment, or I may be frustrated at the moment, but for the moment, I can handle it.  The feeling will pass, the situation will end, and all will be restored to it's typical level of sanity.

And when all else fails I reach for a Xanax.  In keeping with the goal of complete honesty, sometimes I go for the Xanax first.  Hey, you gotta do what you gotta do!

As if.....

A lot has happened in the last seven days.  A LOT.  I love my job, I love where I work, but this year has been a real roller coaster in terms of expectation shifts.  And in terms of good old basic respect of one another.  Recent news has required me to act as if what has been said is no bother, has no impact, and does not even enter my zone of concern.  On the inside, though, with every bit of news, a part of me feels like it's dying. 

Part of recovery has meant trying things that I am not comfortable with.  It's meant stretching out of my comfort zone on so many occasions.  It's meant doing what feels impossible.  It's meant doctor's appointments and therapy appointments and dietitian appointments that are painful as painful gets.

But nothing hurts as much as having to pretend everything is fine, even though everyone around you knows it's not.  Pretending that the announcement that was just made isn't going to cause a major recovery setback.  Pretending that you're going to be just fine, when inside, you're ready to give up, and everyone around you is watching for your reaction. 

I've gotten quite good at acting over the years, it's part of my job, and it's usually useful.  I am so appreciative that today all that practice acting paid off.

Allergies?

I generally do not post these ecards that are floating around facebook and pinterest and the internet in general. 

But I couldn't not post this one.

It is SO fitting for my world these days.  It seems that allergy season has been extended for an indefinite length of time.  I mean, why else would I constantly be tearing up? 

Right?

Challenge 8, Part 2: Learning

The other night I was invited to a friend's for dinner.  It had been a really long day, part of this crazy long week, and I was exhausted.  I knew that if I went to dinner, I'd not be good company, as I'd likely be slowly slipping into that place that I land in when I'm overtired.  The friend who invited me is one who I can lean on, and actually have in past emotional overload situations.

So when I was invited, I really, really wanted to go.  I knew that if I went, I'd get good food, and good friendship... which is great.  But I knew that I'd also probably lose it.  I don't want to do that.  I know how sensitive I am at the moment.  I know that I'm emotionally spent, and just want someone to wrap their arms around me and comfort me while I cry.  And this friend would have done that.  But I just couldn't do it.

This is one of those times when loneliness kicks in, and I wish that I had a significant other... Cause if I were in a healthy relationship, I'd have someone there for me when I need that kind of comfort.  And if I were in a healthy relationship, it'd mean that I'd have that kind of relationship with myself, too.  The one where I'd have learned how to comfort myself appropriately.  Where I've learned how to sit with and feel my emotions.  Where I'd have learned to let anger out without explosions and rage.  Where I'd have learned to feel the whole range of feelings, and not let them suffocate me.

Cause I know all of that needs to be present in my relationship with myself before I'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

I have a lot to learn...  I am willing to do the work.... I just don't think I'm there yet...

Week 28: Where Would I Be....

If you know where this image came from, please let me know
so I can give credit to the original source.

Where would I be without my arch nemesis and former best friend, ed? I'm not really sure.  I know that despite hating having to battle this disorder, I've learned a lot about myself in the process, things that I might never have learned otherwise.  While working through this nasty little situation, I have gotten in touch with my emotions and feelings in ways I never would have been able to do otherwise.

I hate this ed.  I hate how it's turned food into a mortal enemy.  I hate how it's sucked the joy out of eating.  I hate how self-conscious it's made me.  I wouldn't wish an ed on anyone.  It sucks the will to live from every fiber of your being.  Only because I am working my @$$ off with a kick @$$ team am I making the progress (however slow at times) I'm making.

So where would I be without it?  A heck of a lot happier, that's for sure.

Challenge 1, Part 2: Self Soothing

Continuing with this challenging topic, moving into self-soothing, where I struggle even more, has been an interesting process.  Again, keep in mind, as negative as this might seem, I do know that things can only get better and easier, which is the silver lining on this whole process!  I think that compared to self care, self soothing is a whole different ball game.  My ways of soothing myself, of calming myself, aren't the healthiest.  So once again, a heck of a lot of effort gets put into this area as well.  I am super sensitive to light, sound, texture, temperature, all that stuff.  It poses a challenge more often than not, but I'm getting better at figuring out (with the help of my therapist and team) how to work through these sensory overload situations.

This might sound childish or corny, but I am very much a texture person - I love the feel of softness.  If I'm having a really hard day, I may tuck a scrap of this ultra soft cuddly fleece into my pocket, just so I have it for comfort.  I have super soft sheets for my bed, and a blanket made of the ultra soft fleece as well.  In addition, I do have a few stuffies that live on my bed that are perfect for when I need to wrap my arms around something and just hold tight.  All the softness is really comforting.  Strangely enough, as much as I hate the dentist, I like the feeling of having the lead vest covering me.  It is really helpful in grounding me when I get too spacy.  I have looked into weighted blankets that are helpful for those with autism, and due to costs, I'm hoping I'll eventually be able to make my own?  Not that crafty, so we'll see how that goes!

Other things I do at home to self-soothe include napping, reading a familiar book (it's like visiting my best friends,) and listening to music.  I also like to do yoga, and find a few restorative poses can be really helpful.  Sometimes I'm just so disoriented and upset, that all I can do is curl up in a ball and breathe, but you know what?  It works.

When I'm not at home, it's a little tougher to self-soothe when I get into a bad spot.  I do carry Xanax with me (and would not be able to survive without it) which is great because of it's near instant impact.  It usually gives me enough time to get refocused without going into a full on anxiety attack.  Carrying the little bit of fabric helps too, cause the softness can easily be run through my fingers without drawing attention to me.  Considering I teach grade school, my students often have little fidgets in their hands, so they see it the same and love that their teacher uses fidgets too!  Strange as this may sound, if I'm struggling, sometimes I will call my therapist's voicemail, just to hear her voice, which has a really calming effect on me.  At home or out and about, sometimes a walk outside (if the weather is cooperative) can also help.

While I know that many of my self-soothing tools are rather childish, they're what I've got right now.  Eventually I hope that I don't get as overstimulated and am better able to regulate just through breathing or what-not, but for now?  You gotta do what you gotta do, right?!

Week 22: Harboring Emtions

Hmm.... Where do I hold my emotions.  I guess a better question is where don't I hold them?  My emotions like to get stuffed into my stomach, creating a mess in the digestion department.  They like to hide in my heart and chest, trying to convince me I'm having a heart attack (I'm smarter than those darn emotions, though!)  They like to hang out in my neck, and they hate when I see my chiropractor, because he crashes their party there.  Same with my low back.  My emotions pretty much hate my chiropractor, because he tries to crash any party they've planned in any part of my body.

It used to be easy to keep my emotions in check.  I just kept stuffing them down, eating my emotions instead of food.  That worked for a long time, too.  Except for one problem.  When I ate too many emotions, and too little food, well, the emotions snuck out of my pores and created a rather uncomfortable situation upon their escape.  That, and my body needed to eat more than emotions, despite what my brain thought.

Now I'm working through this terrifying process of actually expressing emotions instead of eating them.  I should say, appropriately expressing them.  It is not easy work, though my therapist has said that it does get a little easier over time.  Right now it's such a new skill, like, say, learning how to ride a skateboard, that I've got a lot of scrapes, bumps, and bruises all over.  But I'm trying.  And waiting for the easier part to arrive!

Week 21: What I Want to Hear

For a while I wanted someone to confirm that I'm worthless.  But that hasn't, and likely won't happen.  Guess it's just my distorted perception of myself.  Hope it changes quickly!

I wished my therapist would tell me that she'd be there for me no matter what.  In my heart, I knew she couldn't say that, cause in my experience, no one sticks around long enough to get to know me enough to help me.  Or I should say, no one sticks around long enough for me to let them in so they can help me.  On more than one occasion, and in more than one way, she has told me that she's not going anywhere.  My therapist, my dietitian, the primary members of my treatment team have said, with and without words, that they are here for me, they're in it for the long haul, I can depend on them..... I think they're trying to show me that I'm worth loving.  I'm taking their word for it till I believe it myself.  Which might take years. 

What else would I like to hear?  I'm borrowing words from others as there is so much going on in my mind I don't know which way is up right now.

I think my heart would explode if this actually happened.

  I've only just learned what it feels like to miss
someone this strongly. I wonder if anyone
misses me...

Only in my dreams...

Please.  Please.  Please....

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: TEARS

June Blog Challenge Day 19: TEARS

Tears

Why do I cry?

The constant threat
of tears

is getting old.
Fast. 

If tears are what

make rainbows

in our eyes

my world should be

filled

with color. 

Yet I often

choose

to live within the

extremes.
Black

or

white.

I want

a world

full of color.

I just wish
I could find it

with a 

few

less

tears.

© MGD, June 2012

I cry a lot.  Every emotion elicits tears - sadness, happiness, anger, excitement... The emotions have been plentiful the past few weeks, and this poem was written after a rather intense conversation one day last week.  I need frequent reminders that there really is a world full of colorful options, and I don't have to stick with extremes.  It's a good thing for me to be reminded of regularly, maybe one day soon I'll remember that my favorite color is purple, and not black or white.

Prompt: Tears can be healthy. Tears can be reminders of things past. Tears can be freeing. Beautiful. Tears can be a release. What do tears mean for you? Do you cry a lot? Not at all? What is it that makes you cry? Consider what feels right for you for this prompt.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: LOVE

June Blogger Challenge Day 14: LOVE

When I saw this word, I cringed.  Love is not something that is easy for me to write about, maybe because I struggle to express it, to say it, to allow it into my heart.

BUT....

There is something that I do love. 

And two quotes came to mind.

The first is a rather familiar quote by Rumi.  I like the simplicity and elegance of it.  I like it even more, because yes, I do LOVE what I do.  I love getting up for work (almost) every morning and getting my room ready for the arrival of my students.  I love hearing their voices as they eagerly descend upon the classroom, their home for seven hours a day, 180 days a year.  I love watching their eyes light up when they learn something new.  I love their laughter.  I love seeing them grow and learn.  I love teaching them new things, and watching them apply their new learning to other areas of their lives.

The second quote needs a little alteration to fit in this blog post.  If you read the quote by James Barrie (also known as the author of Peter Pan among other things) replace the "likes" with "love" and you have me and my job.  I love what I do.  I love teaching children.  I don't always love dealing with the politics that come with teaching, nor the sometimes-overbearing parents, but I do love the kids.  When I am at school is when I am the happiest.

Prompt: You knew this would be on here.  But don’t think of it as a clichéd prompt. Write about what love means for you, or something that embodies love, how you want to be more loving, or what it’s like to love yourself. It’s up to you.

Arielle's Word-of-the-Day: EMOTIONAL

June Blog Challenge Day 10: EMOTIONAL

My mom likes to tell this story about how when I was an infant, I never cried.  She even took me to the doctor because she was worried that there was something wrong with me since I never cried.  Well... I guess I made up for it, cause she ends the story by saying once I hit adolescence, I made up for the lack of tears as an infant and toddler, that's for sure.

An emotional mess.  Or at least overly emotional.  Both could describe me, though some would prefer to use the second description as it's slightly less mean, I suppose.

It's interesting... I was really, really good at stuffing my emotions and not letting them out unless I was alone.  Even then, I struggled to let any emotion out whatsoever.  I hated feeling my feelings.  I hated being emotional.  So I just stopped feeling.  That was probably one of the benefits of my ed, or at least it was in my mind.  It kept me numb.  Numb was good.  Numb didn't hurt.  Numb didn't cause emotional reactions to anything.

Once I began the recovery process, all hell broke loose.  I remember the moment when I started feeling things again, when my emotions made their re-entry into my life.  I think it was about five months into recovery, and I had regained enough so that my body was beginning to function slightly more normally.  It was as if I was given some magical tonic that unleashed the flood of emotions I had stuffed all those years.

It sucked.

It still sucks, actually.  I'm not a fan of this stage in the game.  I'm looking forward to the time when my emotions are not overwhelming or overblown, which is where they are now.  I have rather inflated responses to situations that don't need that strong of a response.  I know that.  I also know that one day, I will learn to feel these emotions as they arise, and will not overreact the way I do currently.

The reality of it is that I am a very, very sensitive person.  My whole body is sensitive.  You know that warning on medicines?  The one that says like 1 in 150,000 will have a reaction to something?  I'm that 1.  That's why one of my goals through this recovery process is to learn how I can handle my emotions appropriately for me.

Because of my sensitivities, my response may never be what others consider *typical* but you know what?  I think I'm ok with that. 

Prompt: Are you emotional? Do you wish  you could be? Do you respect people who are emotional or consider them  unstable? Does emotion have a place in recovery? Let your mind take off!