Sunday, February 17, 2013

Reality Check

I realized that the last few weeks, most of the posts on the blog have been a bit evasive, and somewhat fluffy.  I think that's because that's where I am.  I'm working my darndest to avoid the reality that surrounds me, and am trying to keep things as light and fluffy as I can.

But reality is setting in, which usually happens after a day of isolation and introspection.  And I'm going to give you a rare glimpse into my mind with the hope that maybe, just maybe, someone out there can relate and won't feel as alone as I do right now.

Last week I found out that the episodes I've been experiencing were actually related to PTSD.  I didn't take the news well.  As nice as it was to find out that there is a name for what has been happening all these years, it was also rather disturbing. 

I found myself really having to think *so* hard all week.  Everything I did took intense effort.  All the little things that are usually so simple - making lunch, getting out the door, setting up the classroom for the day - everything that I've done without huge effort for years was an insurmountable mountain this week.  Monday and Tuesday were manageable, but by Wednesday, I was losing it.  Seriously.  Being a holiday week, ironically, made things easier.  Because of the celebration scheduled for Thursday, and a presentation scheduled for Friday, I was able to coast through those extremely painful days.

My therapist read the criteria for PTSD of which I meet nearly every single one. I think that what is hardest for me to digest is the fact that though my siblings and I grew up in the same house, with the same parents, I am the lucky one who is dealing with this.  I'm the one riddled with mental and physical health challenges.  The one who hyperventilates walking into my parents house.

And in some ways, I am lucky.  For years and years I've stuffed my emotions, avoided feeling anything, resisted letting myself get attached to anyone, and ignored my feelings until they exploded.  The last few months I've been working to avoid learning to feel feelings, and be with myself while they wash over me.  It's finally sinking in that in order to move through, and past, these PTSD episodes, the only way to do so is to let those feelings be felt. 

Let the feelings be felt.  Just typing that terrifies me.  But the blessing in finally coming to terms with this diagnosis is that now I have no choice.  It is time.  Time to start feeling my way through this hell, cause what is on the other side has got to be better than this.


  1. I am proud of you for this post. It isn't easy to write like this, to expose so much of what is happening in the dark places of our hearts and minds.

    Hang in there and keep writing. It will get better.

    1. Hi Friend... this wasn't an easy post to write. And it's going to be even harder to push through this chapter. One day at a time.... one post at a time... and one comment at a time :)

  2. I can relate and I'm sure others can too
    I've been running from feeling and reality for as long as I can remember
    Be it drink, drugs, food, relationships, shopping
    Anything to take me away from me
    I'm trying hard to realise that it's ok to be me
    It's ok not to be ok
    You took a big step posting this
    It's brave and I can only hope you feel better having shared

    Stay strong
    Keep fighting the good fight
    You're not ok but you will be

    Sending you a hug x

    1. You know Ruby, there was a definite sigh of relief in sharing this post. I don't feel better, but I do feel like it's one less thing I'm hiding from the world. This whole idea of being me, and being ok with me as I am? Tastes kinda bad. I really appreciate your comment, it's nice to know that I'm not alone (as mush as I'd like to not have anyone else experiencing this!)

  3. Siblings, same house, same parents...I'm the lucky one. I don't know you, so I have no idea what you're going through. But that one sentence has been uttered by me countless times. Why do I struggle when my sister handles everything in stride? Why can't I leave it in the past, live in the present, &plan for the future?

    There are no easy answers except to say that we all deal with things differently. All of us perceive and then internalize the same events totally different.

    I look at it as I have walked this particular path so that I can help others. I can empathize, encourage, and inspire. You WILL rise above this and come out so much stronger than you were when you started the process. Your path will not only bring healing to you, but to those watching to see if it works.

    Praying for you...

    1. Carrie it is mind boggling how my siblings have moved smoothly into the future, and fondly look back on their past, while I am stuck where I am. I appreciate your perspective - that walking this path will enable you to help others... I hope that's what this blog does - brings people together to realize that whatever they are walking through, they're not alone. It's comforting to know that you get it!

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your thoughts!


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