Normal?

I've been contemplating normal again.  I've spent time with the idea of normal before, so it's nothing new, but.... always good for reflection.

Normal can change.  What is normal at one point in your life can change to a new normal years later.  That's ok.  Normal is not something stagnant.  Technically the dictionary defines normal as an adjective that means "conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected."  It's also defined as a noun meaning "the usual, average, or typical state or condition."

Reading both of those definitions makes me cringe...... because neither of them fit.  Not even close.  I struggle to conform to standards, even at school - I do things different enough to make a difference, but not different enough to get noticed.  Who am I kidding.  It's noticed.  It's frequently noted that I do things differently, and for the most part, no one seems to mind.  Except me.

I am not the usual or typical.  I don't dress like most of my peers do.  I don't enjoy the same activities that are typical or expected of my peer group.  I never have.  I am far from average in many areas - sometimes above average, sometimes below average, sometimes on a whole different planet than average.

I am not normal.
But I am me.

My therapist says that being me is a good thing. Normal is not a requirement to be a good person.  You don't need to be normal to care, to grow, to learn, to change.  You don't even need to be normal to make a difference.  In my case, at least, I just need to be me.

But more than that, I really want to like me.  And I don't.  At least not yet.  There are too many things about me that I am embarrassed by, ashamed of, or afraid to acknowledge out in the world.  I'd rather hide.  I'd rather hide my shameful bits, my embarrassing secrets, and fade into the crowd.

I know that's impossible.  I've spent so much of my life trying to hide, trying to blend in, when the reality is that it just makes me stand out even more.  I just choose to ignore that fact.  Cause I still think that I am hiding everything, when really, I'm only hiding it from myself.  And unsuccessfully at that.

It's time to stop striving for normal and instead, strive to just be me.

Comparisons

I watched the cutest piece the other day showing groups of kids freestyle dancing.  That always makes me smile.  That clip was followed by a commercial showing a design rehabber and construction guru looking fit beyond words, driving a back-hoe.  Changing channels found a home-cook turned tv chef talking about a delicious Thanksgiving dish his family loves.  A few channels later the screen was filled with a DIY-er sharing simple yet beautiful home improvement projects.  Then landscape artists.  Swimmers gliding across the pool filled the screen next.  Then an unplugged concert by a pianist with a beautiful voice.  There were more channels, too, full of talents and gifts and knowledge.

Sounds like a pretty typical weekend morning, right?  Well, at least for me it is.  It's a nice treat to get up and be able to couch it for a little bit before beginning the day, which is vastly different from weekday mornings.

I hadn't realized it before that morning how much I *still* want to be someone I'm not.

I wish I could dance.  It looks like fun, despite the fact that I tend to trip over my own feet.  I wish I knew how to design and build and woodwork - I loved it as a kid, but now?  I value my fingers, thank you very much.  Cooking?  Yeah, right.  Home decorating?  I wish.  My house looks almost exactly the same as it did when I moved in ten years ago.  Landscaping?  Heck, I wish I could keep a plant alive or grow some herbs and veggies, much less put the pond into the yard that I've wanted to do since childhood.  And I still kick myself for quitting music lessons when I was a kid.  I'm envious of those who can play an instrument, it sounds so beautiful.  Throw in singing, too?  You've got me.  I'm turning green on the inside.  And not a day goes by that I don't miss the athletics I used to participate in on a regular basis.

I have my own gifts and talents.  I know that.  My therapist reminds me of them fairly regularly, too, as I often forget that I do have things to offer the world.  I see the talents of others to be much more valuable than my own.  Instead, I see myself as too clumsy to dance, to weak to do anything requiring sustained physical exertion, as far from a homemaker as possible, too lazy to pick up any athletics, and when it comes to music?  I see myself as selfish for quitting lessons as a child.

Sounds pretty grim, I know.  So is the work I'm doing to change that.  Cause you know what?  One of these days, I'm going to feel good enough.

I'm going to feel good enough.

I'm going to feel like my gifts and talents are good enough offerings for the world.  More than that, I'm going to feel like I'm valuable, just as I am.

Like a Girl

I have always struggled with being a girl.  I've never been a fan of that monthly-ish gift that visits.  Or the soreness that arrives with it.  Or the cramps.  Or the headaches.  Or the mood swings.  Or the fact that to be considered socially acceptable, I have to spend hours each summer shaving my legs. 

I've often been envious of males solely because they don't have to shave their legs to be socially acceptable, they can have a beard and avoid shaving all together if they so choose, with no repercussions.  They don't have to spend hard earned money every month to take care of their so-called-gift.  They don't deal with body soreness or cramps every four weeks like clockwork.

This morning, something had me almost ready to say "I'm proud to be a girl."

Watch it, and let me know what you think.

I'm thinking that I'll be able to utter those words rather soon, I hope.......

What do you do like a girl?

Day 11: Sell Yourself!

Oh boy.  Here goes nothin'....... Selling me, in 10 words or less:

Day 11 Prompt: Sell yourself in 10 words or less.

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 15

15. What does your weight/body image mean to you? How has your body image changed throughout recovery - has it gotten harder or easier to deal with?

It still means too much to me.  At least my weight does.  And my weight is inexplicably tied to my self-esteem, which is inexplicably tied to my body image.

Honestly, my body image has suffered as recovery has strengthened.  It's gotten a lot harder to deal with the false reality I've convinced myself is true.  My eating disorder kept my emotions and feelings buried.  And I liked it that way.  It was as if my eating disorder was the cork that kept things bottled up.

Now that recovery is part of my vocabulary, there isn't anything keeping those feelings and emotions buried.  Instead, I have to handle them as they arise, which is something I don't do well.  At least not yet.  Because those emotions are now free flowing, and I'm feeling everything, my self-esteem is suffering more, and my body image is worse.

I know that will change over time, I mean, I lived with an eating disorder for more than half my life, and I've only been working towards recovery for a year and a half.  More than that, my recovery has been stable for nearly six months.  It's going to take time to undo all the bad habits that were built up over this life of mine.

So while at the moment, things feel worse, and are much harder than the were before recovery, I know that things will be better, much better, down the road......

Something Wonderful

For all those out there that are

struggling,

suffering,

wishing life were easier,

kinder,

friendlier,

quieter......

For those of you fighting,

hiding,

ignoring,

avoiding,

wishing you weren't here,

hoping,

praying......

A reminder for everyone.

Including me.

We actually won?!

This past month, notations for the 2012 Nourishing Body Image Award were sent in to an awesome blog that I love (check out Nourishing the Soul if you haven't already done so!)  And believe it or not, one of the images on this blog was a winner!

I am truly honored that this was chosen as the  

Best Body Positive Photo, Video, or Image, 

and hope others can heed the message it sends.  

Thank you for the recognition!

Image from Challenge 4, Part 1: Self Esteem

Be Nice

Challenge 10, Part 1: Inspiration

Such a fun topic!  As a quote collector, it's going to be tough to choose just the right ones this week.....

I am a big music junkie.  I have music playing whenever I can (thanks to streaming music sources!)  I will listen to pretty much anything, too.  I love this line from The Middle because it is one of those songs that no matter how many times I listen to it, I always smile.  I can always use the reminder that I don't need to try to be someone else, just being me is good enough.  Sometimes I'm better at listening than others, but hey, what can I say?

Challenge 7, Part 4: Beauty

I think this one is pretty self explanatory.  Or at least I hope it is.  It's one of the few quotes I understand fully.  How I feel about myself is not supposed to be based on what I see.  What I see should not determine how I feel.  Right?  Right.

Have you heard the acronym for fear? FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real.  I bring that up because when I look in the mirror, it seems that FEAR gets in the way.  FEAR seems to drive my image of myself.  I live in my own little reality, which I am frequently reminded isn't all that logical at times!  My perception of myself is absolutely false, according to my team.  While we might agree to disagree on that point.... well.... this quote is something I do agree with.

Challenge 5, Part 3: Health & Beauty

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths.  These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern.  Beautiful people do not just happen. 
--Elizabeth Kubler Ross

<--- This is healthy self esteem.  Healthy self esteem can be very helpful on the quest for overall health!

We are --->

all beautiful, it just depends on what we see when we look in the mirror whether we believe it or not.

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; 

for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; 

and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. 

-- Audrey Hepburn

When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy.  This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small.  My judgement called it disloyal.  Now I see it as self-loving.

-- Kim McMillen

  

Challenge 4, Part 5 - 7: Belief, Acceptance, Love

Self Belief.  Self Acceptance.  Self Love.

Mushing them all together for one final post for this week's topic.

I think they are actually rather well connected.  In order to have self love, you need to have self acceptance.  In order to have self acceptance, you need to have self belief.  Links in the chain of Self.  All the topics this week weave together a rather complex chain in which we build our lives upon - some more successfully than others, but all seven concepts are within each of us.  Sometimes they are buried rather deep, below layers of other self stuff (hatred, loathing, pity, etc) but they are still there.  It's our job to uncover them.  Yes, it can take a village, as no one should have to endure the process alone.  But I've been told it's a worth while journey to take, no matter how bumpy the road.

I'm taking baby steps, every few weeks, just a tiny bit closer to self love.  Along the way, of course, belief and acceptance hitch a ride, making the journey rocky and long.  But I'm finally starting to think that I might be worth it.  It's not been easy, accepting all that I've dealt with, knowing I can do nothing to change the past and make things better.  I can only accept what has happened, and believe that I am worth more than repeating the same patterns.  I have to find the belief somewhere, buried way deep inside, that I am worthy of love.  Cause no one deserves a life without love.  Not even me.

Challenge 4, Part 3: Self Confidence

Can you tell this week's topics have been a bit of a struggle for me?  I guess though, that thing Arielle has said, about struggle being a good thing?  That would make this one good week for me!

Self confidence... I really don't know what to say.  I could pretty much duplicate the post on self-esteem, cause it all applies here, too.  What can I say, I had a pretty interesting childhood, ok?  My past shaped the person I am today.  Which, now that I think about it, is a person with some self confidence in one area: teaching.

Put me in front of a room full of children and I am in my element.  Even better, put me in a room full of children with technology (that is reliable and functional!) and I'll be able to make some magic happen.  Or, more likely, those kids will be making magic happen by the time they leave.  My secret?  Treat the kids like they are valuable.  Like they matter.  Like their ideas and questions are worth listening to.  In other words, I treat my students the way I wish I was treated.

Then things come to a screeching halt, cause for some reason, when it comes to doing exactly that, treating myself the way I treat my students?  I lose all confidence and it becomes impossible to do.  Can you hear the irony knocking?

I've been told this recovery process can make miracles happen.  Hopefully one of those miracles will find me receiving the gift of self confidence.  Problem is, I know the gift giver.  And she's not very fond of me.  Hopefully that changes, too.

Challenge 4, Part 2: Self Worth

Ok.  I looked up the definition of self worth, figuring that this would be a fun way to start each topic for the week.  But guess what?  It's practically the same definition as self esteem.

Not funny.

So instead of continuing on my negative rant about my lack of self, I want to share some information I found on the world-wide-web about building self worth and self esteem in children.  I know I learned something from these articles, so maybe someone else will, too, and one less child will grow up feeling like damaged goods.

"Self-esteem also can be defined as feeling capable while also feeling loved. A child who is happy with an achievement but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about his or her own abilities can also develop low self-esteem. Healthy self-esteem comes when a good balance is maintained." -- Kids Health dot org
I LOVE the definition that is underlined above.  Interesting, isn't it, that as in many areas, if not all areas of life, self esteem is also a balance?

"Once people reach adulthood, it's harder to make changes to how they see and define themselves.  So, it's wise to think about developing and promoting self-esteem during childhood. As kids try, fail, try again, fail again, and then finally succeed, they develop ideas about their own capabilities..." -- Kids Health dot org
Again, such truth here.  Part of what I love doing as a teacher is being encouraging.  In my classroom we don't say something is "too hard" instead we refer to it as "a challenge."  Failure is part of our day, every single day, but because I've worked hard to develop a nurturing classroom environment, we keep at it, and in the end, a sense of accomplishment along with a hug, well, it goes a long way for these little ones!

"Kids with low self-esteem see temporary setbacks as permanent, intolerable conditions, and a sense of pessimism prevails.  Kids with healthy self-esteem know their strengths and weaknesses, and accept them. A sense of optimism prevails." -- Kids Health dot org
No explanation needed. 

"It is important to remember that all children go through stages of high and low self-esteem as they grow and face difficult challenges." -- Parenting dot org
This short little article came with some observable characteristics of positive self worth and poor self worth in children.

To be honest, I have no idea how many people reading this blog even have kids.  What I found helpful in reading about how to build self worth in kids is knowing that there are things that can be done to improve my sense of self worth right now, as an adult.  And that it isn't too late to do so, it just makes the job a little tougher to do as an adult then it would be as a child. 

Challenge 4, Part 1: Self Esteem

self-es teem [self-i-steem, self-] noun

a realistic respect for or favorable impression of oneself; self-respect.

Self Esteem is a very tricky little bugger.  Self esteem is how you hold yourself.  It has little to do with others, it is your perception of your self.

And I have none.

I fake it pretty well, though, as unless you spend a lot of time with me, you likely couldn't tell.  Or at least that's what I've been told.  Sure doesn't feel like I can fake it that well though.  In my eyes, I reek of insecurity and self-loathing.  I feel somewhat like a fraud, as others are always shocked to find out the truth.  The very few that I have let in, that is.

BUT.

It's almost as if it's an effect of recovery.  To overcome this, it's as if gaining some self esteem is a side-effect.  And that is really good news for someone like me.  It means I have a chance to take a new perspective.  I have a chance to see myself through new eyes.  I have a chance to see in me what others seem to see, which is a pretty cool person (it makes me ill to write that) that has a lot to offer the world.

I can say that without self esteem, life is not terribly happy.  It doesn't take much to rob someone of self esteem, and it's worth the effort it takes to build it.