tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86956375185723637312024-03-13T14:47:03.567-04:00My Purple DreamsMeandering through life - complete with purple dreams - has led me on some wild inner-adventures. This blog my journey. I'm taking life one step at a time. Sometimes that's the only way to do it!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.comBlogger706125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-18814636766489331072016-02-28T19:21:00.001-05:002016-02-28T19:21:51.138-05:00Don't WannaI'm sitting on the sofa, mentally organizing the next few days so that the week starts off smoothly. I'm listening to the Pup exercise his lungs (it's rather windy here today) and reveling in the softness of his fur.<br />
<br />
And I'm cringing, cause I really don't wanna get take a shower. Yep. You read that right. I don't want to take a shower. I'm an adult. I'm a professional. And I don't want to shower. At all. When did I last shower? Thursday. Today's Sunday. Don't have a choice here and yes, I know that. I also recognize how ridiculous this sounds, that an adult doesn't want to shower.<br />
<br />
But I don't. <br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_ebdDTS9viI/UUfGP2X1MWI/AAAAAAAADvk/Dmyc9MjvZbk/s1600/selfcare.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_ebdDTS9viI/UUfGP2X1MWI/AAAAAAAADvk/Dmyc9MjvZbk/s320/selfcare.jpg" width="307" /></a>And this, unfortunately, is becoming a more frequent occurrence in my world. Winter seems to bring it out in me. The turtle, hibernation, hermit season of hiding. Winter also seems to be the busy time for depression to flex it's muscles and stretch it's legs.<br />
<br />
I'm not using that as an excuse, and do not worry, I will shower.... eventually. It's just that the effort it takes to perform a seemingly simple and daily task of showering sometimes feels like it's out of my reach, even when I stand on tiptoes.<br />
<br />
The wet, cold, shivering, bare-skin, cold floor, yuk of showering combined with the stupid amount of time it takes to dry my tresses which must be dried so the color doesn't bleed on everything, makes me feel like crawling into bed and curling up into the fetal position for hours.<br />
<br />
Guess that's why showering at night seems to work best when I'm like this? Can anyone relate?<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-43370929208520999182016-02-25T19:32:00.001-05:002016-02-25T19:32:15.088-05:00NEDA Week: What Counts1,520 days. That's how long I've been counting. In those 1,520 days, I recorded every single morsel of food that went into my mouth. I recorded every single iota of beverage, of snack, of sweet.... everything that entered my body has been recorded for the last 1,520 days.<br />
<br />
And it's been a constant weight in my brain, in my world, in my life.... but I did it. I counted everything. Up until now.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MY0ztNoAlpw/Vs-a2ee9IpI/AAAAAAAAFTM/PfJ0GtQ_WI4/s1600/Black%2Band%2Bwhite%2Bquote%2Bstripes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MY0ztNoAlpw/Vs-a2ee9IpI/AAAAAAAAFTM/PfJ0GtQ_WI4/s320/Black%2Band%2Bwhite%2Bquote%2Bstripes.jpg" width="320" /></a>I recently spent two weeks traveling abroad, where counting my food was next to impossible. I tried, believe me, but it was way more complicated than anything I anticipate, so I had to press pause on the counting and recording. It's probably a good thing, because I spent much of my energy on the trip staying present and not losing my mind to anxiety.<br />
<br />
Anyway. I'm home now. I've been home for a bit. And I'm not counting. And it's not easy. Not easy at all.<br />
<br />
There's a small sense of relief that I no longer need to record every single bite that enters my body. Small. There's a large sense of anxiety that I will under eat, or over eat, or eat really, really badly, and since I have no record of that..... more anxiety.<br />
<br />
But I'm gonna give it a go. A trial. My dietitian reminded me that we can see how it goes and adjust as needed. My therapist was thrilled. Supposedly letting go of counting calories will free up space in my brain for other, more positively helpful. I hope they're right.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-14009115087006506652016-02-23T17:58:00.003-05:002016-02-23T17:58:48.668-05:00NEDA Week - Light it up blueTonight, all around the country, landmarks and buildings will be lit up blue to raise awareness about eating disorders. The list has grown from years past, and while not every state is included, each new location added to the list that lights it up blue makes a difference!<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/blog/landmark-lightings-nedawareness-week-2016" target="_blank">Landmarks Lit Up</a></div>
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-opMVPmTs0yM/Vszjr8v9OqI/AAAAAAAAFS0/2RyOmJx8zBo/s1600/nedaw_social_1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-opMVPmTs0yM/Vszjr8v9OqI/AAAAAAAAFS0/2RyOmJx8zBo/s400/nedaw_social_1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Yup. Truth. Depression and anxiety can even mask eating disorders. They're good at that. Take a few minutes, take the screening, share it with a friend you're concerned about, talk to your doctor.... take the time to take care of you....<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-66787379748786535612016-02-22T21:57:00.001-05:002016-02-22T21:57:39.737-05:00NEDA Week 2016<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F73QzUiQO2Y/VsvKGKvYGLI/AAAAAAAAFSk/9PvcmONUAQI/s1600/NEDA%2B2016%2B1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-F73QzUiQO2Y/VsvKGKvYGLI/AAAAAAAAFSk/9PvcmONUAQI/s640/NEDA%2B2016%2B1.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
It's that time of year again - National Eating Disorder Awareness week. This year's theme is 3 minutes can save a life. And they can. All it takes is 3 minutes to take a screening of which you can bring the results to your doctor and you can begin getting the support you need to regain a positive relationship with food. Or in my case, begin building a positive relationship with food.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
As an aside, most of the time, if not all of the time, eating disorders are not about food. Not even close. Food is the tool, the drug so to speak, that covers the real issues. If you think you have an eating disorder, get help. You're worth it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-43746878349114828282016-01-10T15:31:00.002-05:002016-01-10T15:32:58.399-05:00Making Plans Take 2<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EouSCfWUV5I/VpK86BRg2pI/AAAAAAAAFSU/lG6G0WyDVXk/s1600/depression%2Bquote.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="500" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-EouSCfWUV5I/VpK86BRg2pI/AAAAAAAAFSU/lG6G0WyDVXk/s640/depression%2Bquote.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://genius.com/Sabrina-benaim-explaining-my-depression-to-my-mother-annotated/" target="_blank">Source</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
That last line. "It's just not that much fun having fun when you don't want to have fun." But what if you DO want to have fun. What if you made plans despite knowing you didn't want to go out, but you should give it a try.<br />
<br />
You made plans because you know sitting home alone isn't good for you. You made plans because you know you need to get out of the house, despite this depressive episode.<br />
<br />
You made plans, full well knowing it would be torture dragging yourself out of the house, because you knew it was what you needed to do.<br />
<br />
Despite all that. Despite convincing yourself it was good to make plans, and actually making the plans. Despite knowing it would be really hard to get out of the house and follow through with said plans. You still made plans.<br />
<br />
Maybe you put the hope on the shoulders of said plans that maybe this time, this time you'd have fun. And if you had fun, maybe it'd be the start of the climb out of this depression.<br />
<br />
It's not that I don't want to have fun. I do. It's that right now, fun is being overshadowed by the uninvited depression that has once again claimed me.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-50416847516273623902016-01-01T11:16:00.002-05:002016-01-01T11:16:37.349-05:00Unicorns in 2016<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3W7umcqsdT0/VoamA2OIPwI/AAAAAAAAFSE/j0xC_TDRN7g/s1600/Shirt%2BWoot%2BUnicorns.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="481" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3W7umcqsdT0/VoamA2OIPwI/AAAAAAAAFSE/j0xC_TDRN7g/s640/Shirt%2BWoot%2BUnicorns.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Available on <a href="http://shirt.woot.com/offers/new-year-optimism?ref=sh_cnt_gw_dly_img" target="_blank">Shirt Woot</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
This year is gonna be all about unicorns, right?</div>
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-48097610062494627822015-12-05T18:23:00.000-05:002015-12-05T18:23:30.698-05:00Making PlansConversation as of late has revolved around taking care of myself, both with my therapist and dietitian. This whole self-care concept is tough for me. I know I'm not alone when I say that I can't seem to put myself on the list, that doing things just for me makes me feel guilty. That's definitely at least part of why my house is a disaster, yet my office is uber-organized. (The other part would likely be..... laziness, of course! <br />
<br />
In an attempt to take care of myself, and make my house a little more of, well, a kind place for me, I made plans this weekend, just for me. I was intentional in making sure I didn't plan too unrealistically, too (cause you know I never over think or plan too big!) I am kinda proud of the fact that I deliberately decided to provide some structure to my weekend that revolved solely around me. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sJ5ivLlkSJY/VmNx4FOS4ZI/AAAAAAAAFR0/_FpfFwZW3AY/s1600/what%2BI%2Bwant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sJ5ivLlkSJY/VmNx4FOS4ZI/AAAAAAAAFR0/_FpfFwZW3AY/s400/what%2BI%2Bwant.jpg" width="297" /></a>The weekend list contained four tasks - two major, one required, and one purely personal. The major tasks were bagging up the clothes and clutter I'm donating to charity, and actually dropping them off at the donation center. The required task was some school work. The pleasure task was reading a book (that has to be returned to the library next week.)<br />
<br />
Except I'm thinking my body had other plans. Cause I woke up this morning and couldn't lift my head off the pillow. And every time I bent down I got dizzy. Goal one and two, down the drain, at least for today. Schoolwork and reading were left on the list.... and kinda still are waiting to be checked off. What was slated (in my mind,) to be a productive yet relaxing weekend, flipped. Minimal schoolwork accomplished. No reading done. Lots of napping. Lots of glumness.<br />
<br />
The voice of reason would say, "You're sick! Don't push yourself and make things worse, rest up instead and you'll do what you can get done tomorrow!"<br />
<br />
My voice said, "See?! You tried to make plans and take care of yourself but it didn't work. You know you get lazy on the weekends! When will you give up on yourself and just let things be?!"<br />
<br />
Reality says, "You're not feeling well. Do what you can do that doesn't involve bending down, and see how you feel tomorrow."<br />
<br />I knew going into the weekend that I wasn't feeling all that great. What I'm wondering now.... did I set myself up for failure? Maybe? Cause the whole weekend was me taking care of things for me..... which isn't my favorite thing to do..... so making this to-do list when I wasn't feeling great? Looking for excuses, maybe? That seems to be my mode of operation. Look for any excuse to NOT take care of me and my needs or wishes.<br />
<br />
Much to do, both inside and out......<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-3733313383243376702015-12-02T20:47:00.000-05:002015-12-02T20:56:40.239-05:00The Perfect DayMy dietitian asked me tonight what my dream day would look like. Dream day? Hmmm.....<br />
<br />
Turns out my initial response - sleeping in, yummy breakfast, nice walk with the Pup, afternoon nap, dinner - wasn't all that dreamy. Mainly cause it was me and the Pup. I figured it was realistic, at least.... but reality? I didn't know what a true "dream day" would look like because I've isolated myself that much. So it took a little thought.... and here's what I came up with.<br />
<br />
The day would start by sleeping in late, and waking up next to my (currently non-existent) partner. WE would then go to a little cafe or something for a delicious breakfast, lingering on the last bites of food and enjoying conversation together. Then we'd take a nice walk at a local park or trail. That would be followed by a nap for me, and my partner would do whatever they chose, nap or otherwise. Together we'd prepare a yummy dinner, and end the day snuggling on the couch with popcorn and a movie. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aT_FxsVAXGk/Vl-hGhIg0VI/AAAAAAAAFRk/DKgvnfScZtI/s1600/good-morning-love-quotes-love-of-my-life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aT_FxsVAXGk/Vl-hGhIg0VI/AAAAAAAAFRk/DKgvnfScZtI/s320/good-morning-love-quotes-love-of-my-life.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
That day sounds really quite nice. Really nice. Like too nice. Too perfect. It will involve me kicking out the mean person that lives inside my brain, kicking that part of me so far out that I have room to let people into my world..... 20 some years of (false) comfort in being alone.... never really thinking there was hope for me to be anything but alone..... But my dietitian said it's totally possible, and that it will happen. <br />
<br />
I trust her fully, but I don't know if I quite believe her here..... I'm gonna sure try though, cause this is a day I'd love to live through......<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-10830427721217595532015-11-28T11:38:00.001-05:002015-11-28T11:38:29.894-05:00Thanksgiving 2015<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PYcln28KjiE/VlnTsZWf0lI/AAAAAAAAFRA/dQVS6R0NJsI/s1600/Turkey%2BDay%2BFamily.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-PYcln28KjiE/VlnTsZWf0lI/AAAAAAAAFRA/dQVS6R0NJsI/s1600/Turkey%2BDay%2BFamily.jpg" /></a></div>
Well. This generally explains my Thanksgiving experience. This year, however, was different. And it's taken me a while to digest the day- literally and figuratively. <br />
<br />
My whole life, my parents have hosted Thanksgiving. It's always hovered around 18 people, swelling to 30 at some points in the past. Thanksgiving has been, by far, my favorite holiday to celebrate with family because there are no gifts involved. It's simply family getting together to share a great meal together. Good food, sharing stories and memories, and an easy day for me to hide my eating patterns.<br />
<br />
This year, though.... it was the first time in my life I wasn't with my family. I shouldn't really care much about that, considering how much my family drives me nuts 85% of the time. But it was really weird. And I didn't like it. I didn't like not being around everyone. I didn't miss the cursing and arguing that ensued. Nor did I miss the negative family members who always complain about being on the receiving end of hell. But I did miss the family. <br />
<br />
Sure, we celebrated together on Friday, but it wasn't the same. It was just the immediate family. No aunts, uncles, cousins..... just us. And the food Friday was non-traditional. It was supposed to be a "leftover Thanksgiving" meal, but it morphed into leftovers, brunch, and Jewish delicacies. The meal was actually rather schizophrenic, and as my mom changed the menu a dozen or so times in 24 hours, I ended up without much to eat.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n9kkYBOtW5E/VlnYavog2wI/AAAAAAAAFRQ/lge_Rv19hD4/s1600/turkey.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-n9kkYBOtW5E/VlnYavog2wI/AAAAAAAAFRQ/lge_Rv19hD4/s320/turkey.jpg" width="268" /></a>The odd thing about the whole event was the way it confused the heck out of me. When I was younger, I always wanted to be able to celebrate holidays with friends. Trick-or-treat with my best friends (was never able to do so, always had to stay with family,) or new years, or even enjoy Christmas Day with my Jewish friends. But none of that ever happened. I was always with my family (with the exception of NYE babysitting years). Somehow, that is what *felt* right, even though I didn't always want to be there.<br />
<br />
So this year, I celebrated with my best friend and her family. I knew pretty much everyone in her family, and I always enjoy hanging out with them. It was a lovely evening, full of good food, good conversation, laughter, and relaxation. It was quite pleasant.<br />
<br />
But when I got in the car, it hit. I spent the drive home alternating between tears and "I'm ok right now because" conversations in my head. Truth was, I really was ok. A great evening with great friends and great food? Heading home to a warm house in a safe neighborhood, driving a safe car that's paid off - all stuff that make things perfectly good. Perfectly all right.<br />
<br />
Perfectly ok. Despite what my head thinks. That's where the confusion comes in.<br />
<br />
So I guess I will remind myself that one of the things I am most thankful for is my treatment team - cause with their help, maybe one day I won't be as confused.....!<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-78133006209871711982015-11-25T21:27:00.000-05:002015-11-25T21:27:01.936-05:00Right NowRight now, I'm ok.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Gp_useVl9wQ/VlZtjQAU6ZI/AAAAAAAAFQw/zPKDQhO_QTI/s1600/nothing%2Bis%2Bpermanant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Gp_useVl9wQ/VlZtjQAU6ZI/AAAAAAAAFQw/zPKDQhO_QTI/s200/nothing%2Bis%2Bpermanant.jpg" width="152" /></a>I'm ok because I have a refrigerator with my favorite food inside.<br />
I'm ok because in a little while, I get to crawl into my warm bed.<br />
I'm ok because I went to work this morning at a place I enjoy.<br />
I'm ok because had two doctor appointments today that were positive.<br />
I'm ok because I have my laptop in front of me.<br />
I'm ok because my dog is curled up next to me.<br />
I'm ok because I'm cozy and warm inside my house.<br />
I'm ok because my belly is full from a warm bowl of soup.<br />
<br />I'm ok because I know that I am safe right now.<br />
<br />
Right now, I'm ok.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-65912842981790487642015-11-17T22:05:00.000-05:002015-11-17T22:05:23.404-05:00Positive? Positive.<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3qMYdtCO4W4/VkvlGW0OA9I/AAAAAAAAFQE/04C87j-Ijek/s1600/Positive%2B1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="275" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-3qMYdtCO4W4/VkvlGW0OA9I/AAAAAAAAFQE/04C87j-Ijek/s320/Positive%2B1.png" width="320" /></a>Tonight my dietitian asked me to find something positive in my world. I was quickly and easily able to rattle off all sorts of positives, yet they ALL had to do with school. There were two exceptions to that rule-- the peanut and the Pup. While they both bring me lots of joy and add oodles of <span class="st">positivity</span> to my world, the rest? All at school.<br />
<br />
No matter what happens at school, I find the positive. I look for and find the silver linings. The lessons. The learning experiences. A student fails at a task or project? I help them find the learnings, and figure out what they can do differently to reach a different outcome next time. A colleague feels unsuccessful with an attempt at a new tool or lesson approach? We sit down and find the parts that felt awesome, and build from there. Just today, a colleague tried something brand new, and it only sorta worked. She was not a happy camper, and felt very much defeated. With her team, we worked to remind her of the successes in the experience, the positives.<br />
<br />
I'm great at helping others get there, reach the positive place. What about me?<br />
<br />
Nope. I suck at it. At least I suck at it for now. (In other words, I'm not there, yet.)<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-n8rxU0hLHQE/VkvpmKGNG8I/AAAAAAAAFQU/tj3zJArkcjM/s1600/Positive%2B1%2B%25281%2529.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="275" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-n8rxU0hLHQE/VkvpmKGNG8I/AAAAAAAAFQU/tj3zJArkcjM/s400/Positive%2B1%2B%25281%2529.png" width="400" /></a>Why is it so hard? I get that I'm not alone in the self-inflicted negative self-talk. I know that many, many others are challenged by this. But I'm talking me, here. And I need to figure out how to shift my perspective.<br />
<br />
Example. Horrible stomach ache for nearly a week. Like, bubbly, volcanic eruptions that keep me close to the porcelain throne. After about a half hour (I think, I don't keep track of time during sessions) chatting with my dietitian, she asked me if I still had a stomach ache. Surprisingly (at least to me) it had subsided dramatically. Why? Cause she, like my therapist, has a knack for getting me out of my head. Which I need. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QoM77Cg2gjU/Vkvq2OrC6QI/AAAAAAAAFQg/0H7nI8CEAeE/s1600/Mind%2BMap.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="149" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QoM77Cg2gjU/Vkvq2OrC6QI/AAAAAAAAFQg/0H7nI8CEAeE/s200/Mind%2BMap.png" width="200" /></a>Inside my head, the positive island is tiny, and frequently empty. The negative island is always hopping. Sure, there are a few other islands -- school, pup, Aunt-hood, knowledge, creativity -- but the one I seem to spend the most time on is negative island. (If you don't get the whole island thing, go watch Inside Out. Trust me, it will be worth it.) While my finances and schedule won't allow for daily visits to dietitian island and therapist island, the goal isn't to rely on them for getting
me out of my head. The goal is to take what I'm learning through them
and apply it to me outside of my time with them.<br />
<br />
Perspective shift - from my world outside of school is negative and sucks, to my world is full of tiny bits of positive every where I go - is required. If only it were as easy as shifting from park to reverse....<br />
<br />
P.S. I did find something positive that wasn't connected to school -- I have a new toothbrush that I love! For me that's big, cause the dentist and I don't get along well, but my teeth and this new toothbrush? Awesome!<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-87234129812842895842015-11-15T18:45:00.000-05:002015-11-15T18:45:35.771-05:00Won't You Be My Neighbor?The upside to living in apartment style condos that share common walls is that your neighbors can hear a lot. The downside to living in apartment style condos that share common walls is that your neighbors can hear a lot.<br />
<br />
On one hand, one might find comfort in knowing if something happened and help was desperately needed, shouting for help would elicit responses from those nearby. Or if there was an overflowing toilet or a broken pipe or something, neighbors would notice the noise, and get in touch ASAP, with either you or someone who could help. On the other hand, privacy?<br />
<br />
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YB-qyyfiChQ/VkkYXy3MDLI/AAAAAAAAFPo/nRdefERqyX0/s1600/fears.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YB-qyyfiChQ/VkkYXy3MDLI/AAAAAAAAFPo/nRdefERqyX0/s320/fears.jpg" width="320" /></a>Babysat the peanut the other night, getting home at 9:30. Chilled for a bit, crawling into bed around 10:00, and snuggling in for some reading with the Pup before drifting off to dreamland. I had just fallen asleep, so comfy in my bed, when I heard the buzzer of a door. A glance at the clock said that it was 11:24. I figured it was in my dream, so I stayed put. But the door buzzer kept buzzing. And it was definitely mine, based on the loudness.<br />
<br />
My heart stopped for a moment, I'm sure, as I started panicking. I mean, who on earth would be ringing my door buzzer at that late hour?! Everyone knows I'm an early-to-bed kind of girl! My heart continued racing as I got out of bed to peek out the window and see if there was anything out of the norm in the parking lot. Nope. More panic.<br />
<br />
More panic followed by loud footsteps thundering up the stairs. And the the knocks came. On my door. Inside the building. <br />
<br />
Mind you, part of why I like my condo is because the exterior door is there. It means anyone getting into the building has one safety feature before getting into individual units. So as I stood in the hallway in my pajamas, clutching the Pup, I desperately wished I had fastened the chain lock before I went to bed. I've gotten lax on doing so since the scary neighbor moved away.<br />
<br />
After the knocks grew more persistent, I held my finger poised over the "emergency" dial on my phone. I had to do something. The knocking wasn't going to stop. I was frozen in panic. And then to make things worse, a flashlight started shining in through the crack by the door handle. <br />
<br />
My mind was racing with every single bad thought possible. Literally. From the cereal rapist to the drunk neighbor to the pissed off parent and everything in between. I can't begin to explain how freaked out I was. So I was kinda shocked when I called out and asked who was there without screaming or crying or vomiting.<br />
<br />
Turns out, calling 911 wouldn't have made a difference. Cause they were at my door.<br />
<br />
Guess one of my neighbors heard my water running, and was worried because it had been running for over an hour. So apparently she called the police to come and check. Ironically, (or not) I had been in bed for well over an hour when she called, meaning she only *thought* she heard my water running. It wasn't.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V7hjQ2UuLZw/VkkZA5qs_DI/AAAAAAAAFPw/z2EmPiU-bwU/s1600/live%2Bor%2Bsurvive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="257" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-V7hjQ2UuLZw/VkkZA5qs_DI/AAAAAAAAFPw/z2EmPiU-bwU/s400/live%2Bor%2Bsurvive.jpg" width="400" /></a>Maybe I should feel grateful that she was looking out for me. That would probably be an easier feeling to stomach than the fear and anxiety I've been swallowing instead. Being woken up like that completely freaked me out. I didn't get much sleep afterward. I was flooded by fears - imagined and real - that kept playing over and over and over again.<br />
<br />
Why did this warrant a post? Cause my therapist and I have been working very, very hard at helping me find safety in my world, a world that I find to be far too unsafe for me. I have found safety in teaching, in my classroom at my old school and now in my building at my new school. I've always felt safest in my teaching world. The rest of the world, my house included, doesn't always feel so safe. It's going to take a lot of effort to not let this incident derail the progress. (And maybe because I'm still feeling *that* unsettled and needed to share. Either way.)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-48614362010224377002015-11-14T07:19:00.000-05:002015-11-15T18:31:25.553-05:00Prayers for Paris<div style="text-align: center;">
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-1536180946860733462015-11-05T20:27:00.001-05:002015-11-05T20:27:52.912-05:00Jumping ShipTonight I did something that I haven't done in over 20 years. <br />
<br />
A part of me is really sad that I caved. I almost feeling like saying "you win" to my team. I mean, after all, this was their idea. Sure, it took four years for it to move from idea to encouragement to consideration to well, basically I've gone through the <a href="http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/" target="_blank">stages of grief</a>, actually. And I've finally moved from acceptance to action.<br />
<br />
Tonight I intentionally ate meat.<br />
And I didn't vomit.<br />
And I didn't die.<br />
And I didn't melt like the wicked witch.<br />
<br />
Who knows what tomorrow morning will bring, or even the middle of the night, as my stomach is quite the hyper sensitive beast. But I ate. An entire cup of chicken rice soup. I even drank the broth at the end of the cup.<br />
<br />
This was (as exaggerated as it sounds) an excruciating task. It meant giving up the title of "vegetarian" which I've coveted since I was 13 years old. It meant giving up on what has proven to be the most useful tool in my eating disordered box of supplies. My eating disorder has one less ally now, and that worries me. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Kc42qrVvWl4/VjwB3hqdkiI/AAAAAAAAFPE/7LlTtGkAwSE/s1600/Inside%2BOutside%2BChange.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="302" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Kc42qrVvWl4/VjwB3hqdkiI/AAAAAAAAFPE/7LlTtGkAwSE/s400/Inside%2BOutside%2BChange.jpg" width="400" /></a>It worries me because the path to recovery, which has been a dirt road littered with gravel and rocks, often challenging to travel, might just be starting to smooth out. That should be good. Making traveling forward easier, leaving more and more disordered eating behaviors behind me. But those behaviors have been my travel companions for so long, leaving this one, the original, the biggest supporter behind? It's anxiety inducing.<br />
<br />
On the up side, it means that there is room for another tool, a healthier eating tool. It means that, as long as there are no detrimental reactions to meat becoming a part of my body (and yes, I will give it a full six weeks to try out,) my menu will grow astronomically.<br />
<br />
A part of me feels like I failed. Like I couldn't keep up, even after more than 20 years, a vegetarian diet. The reality is that when I became a vegetarian at 13, I only had one known food allergy. 20 some years later, I have a dozen. Those are not choices. I must avoid them. The vegetarian avoidance is a choice. It always has been. One I hold very tightly to. I mean, I am a vegetarian. Period. It's my choice to continue with that vegetarianism at the potential expense of my body, or make the choice to eat meat again as a way to better take care of my body. I might hate the outside of my body, but I really do want to take care of the inside.<br />
<br />
Distressing. Confusing. Sad. Anxious. Remorseful.<br />
<br />
But also kinda proud of myself for pushing through this massive hurdle and making the attempt to take care of my body in the way it needs. Kinda.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-90174749011825526142015-11-04T21:03:00.000-05:002015-11-04T21:03:04.141-05:00Picture DayThere is one day of the year where parents win the battle of what to wear, brushed hair, and washed faces. Picture Day. It's the day everyone in elementary school panics, making sure the kids get their pictures snapped before they head to gym or recess, so they don't muss up their appearance for the day.<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mVqE9T-7Nhg/Vjq4mFRJGLI/AAAAAAAAFO0/dAqg5rSZrhM/s1600/beauty%2Bmirror2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="312" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mVqE9T-7Nhg/Vjq4mFRJGLI/AAAAAAAAFO0/dAqg5rSZrhM/s320/beauty%2Bmirror2.jpg" width="320" /></a>Recently, my school experienced our annual picture day. 400 shiny, smiley faces, all dolled up, patiently waited for their class to be called. Interspersed between the class photos, teachers and staff members slipped in, cringing as they sat on the stool in front of the back drop, waiting for the camera flash to pass, and comparing this year's picture with the pictures of colleagues nearby.<br />
<br />
This year marked the 30th school picture in a row. In a row. Yup. I've been in school since I was in kindergarten, and without missing a year, my picture has been taken every year since. All of elementary school, all of junior high, all of high school, all of college, and since I went straight from college to the classroom, I truly never missed a year.<br />
<br />
Part of me wants to have all of those pictures in my hands right now, so I can line them up and compare how adorable I was as a child, to how absolutely and completely anti-adorable I am as an adult. It would be a great excuse for a beat-the-crap-out-of-me session that could span many hours. Productive? Nope. But likely exactly what would happen should I get my hands on all 30 pictures.<br />
<br />
Another part of me wants to compare the last 12 years worth of pictures, all my years in the classroom as a teacher, and see what changes I notice. Unfortunately, that will also result in a less-than-pleasant me-bashing experience.<br />
<br />
Like many recovering from eating issues, appearance is a sticking point for me. I whole heartedly believe the lies I tell myself - that I am hideous, a monster, a mirror-breaker, that my appearance makes me impossible to befriend, much less love.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iPIa0PtcZ5A/Vjq3nSBbxCI/AAAAAAAAFOs/b6eB26vs2PE/s1600/baloney.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="319" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iPIa0PtcZ5A/Vjq3nSBbxCI/AAAAAAAAFOs/b6eB26vs2PE/s320/baloney.jpg" width="320" /></a>I know they're lies, logically. My therapist reminds me that they are lies I tell myself, and that I've been telling them to myself<br />
for so long, I now believe them, even though they logically don't fit. I know that. I mean, I head into the grocery store and no one avoids me in the aisles. I walk into school and no one - kids included - run from me. I guess I don't look that bad outside, even if that's how I feel on the inside.<br />
<br />
This year, picture day was a very reflective one. Looking at my picture, I kinda didn't recognize the person looking back at me. That person is put together, coordinated in dress, a warm smile, and wrinkly eyes that show laughter. That person looks like someone who knows what they're doing. It looks like someone who can take charge and accomplish things.<br />
<br />
Which is what I kinda do.....<br />
<br />
So while it IS most definitely my picture, and this IS what others see when they see me..... what's it gonna take for me to see the "me" that they see? What's it gonna take for me to shut down the lies, once and for all, and replace them with truths? Something has to change. And while picture day might not ever be a favorite day, one day, hopefully, I will look at my school picture and go "oh, yeah, I like that person!"<br />
<br />
Thankfully, I have a long career ahead of me, with many more picture days to practice!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-66629263263396355042015-09-20T20:09:00.000-04:002015-09-20T20:10:02.547-04:00Almost Famous<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love this movie. It happened to be on today when I got home, and when I turned to the channel, this scene was playing. I love this scene. There are so many things I love about this scene. On so many levels.<br />
<br />
I am a Kate Hudson fan, and always have been. She sends a very positive message to the world, and while I know TV is not real at all, she comes across as a person who would make for a good friend.<br />
<br />
This. Scene. Where William yells at Penny Lane about the Real World, and the confusion all the rules and sayings and nicknames.... I get it. While this movie is completely fictitious, the idea of being in a false reality, as in on tour with the band, is familiar. The rules of this "world" and all the sayings and such? I get it. And I get why William is mad. He sees the potential.<br />
<br />
I've lived in this world. I think I still do.<br />
<br />
For years, I participated in a sport that was more expensive than I could afford. I was literally surrounded by people who dropped $15K a weekend, and purchased horses worth more than a new car. I lived in that fantasy world for years. At first, I loved it. But deep down, I knew I didn't fit. I tried. I tried hard to fit. And there were times, moments like Penny's reaction at the end of the clip, where I swallowed the "this isn't right" and "I know I am worth more" feeling and shoved ahead, even though I knew there was a better place for me in the world.<br />
<br />
I relied on humor a lot back then, and I'm finding myself relying, once again, on humor as I navigate my new world. Yes, my new world. My new job that I began this summer required a massive change of venue, and a huge shift in working overall.<br />
<br />
All good. All good for sure.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yjtqXxOSLgQ/Vf9KlUx2oEI/AAAAAAAAFOY/7EJWJF7pdcg/s1600/Untitled%2Bpresentation.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="341" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-yjtqXxOSLgQ/Vf9KlUx2oEI/AAAAAAAAFOY/7EJWJF7pdcg/s400/Untitled%2Bpresentation.jpg" width="400" /></a>Except. Once again, I feel like the end of this scene, where no matter what Penny is thrown, she will always, always, always smile through the tears, lighten the situation, and not let it get to her. But I saw her face. I saw her reaction. The tears. The brief but powerful shift of her gaze. I recognized it. Cause I do it.<br />
<br />
And this new job? Yes, it's my dream job. And yes, I love it. But I feel like an outsider in the "real world" of this community. I do have a commonality with everyone, which is good, but.... the rules... the nicknames.... the sayings..... the confusion..... the inner hurt because I don't get it. It's outside of my knowledge base. And it makes me feel uncomfortable and bad about myself. <br />
<br />
Here's the thing. Everyone has said if I have questions, feel free to ask. And I have asked questions, and people have patiently explained and clarified. And like in the movie, everything in the end comes around, through the road blocks and confusion, there is a sense of peace as the credits roll.<br />
<br />
Right now, though, I'm in the end of the scene. The first few weeks of school were crazy, and it would have been no shock to anyone if I broke down at all. What people don't know is that on the inside, I was frustrated to the point of tears. But on the outside, I was smiling and cracking jokes. And keeping everyone shielded from any emotion that wasn't positive.<br />
<br />
I'm really getting tired of smiling through those tears. Really tired.<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-70768111088121268322015-09-06T20:47:00.001-04:002015-09-09T07:08:35.611-04:00When You've Got it All....and you still feel like crud......<br />
<br />
Then you'd be me.<br />
<br />
Cause right now, my life is really, really good. My new job is ah-may-zing. Seriously. I am up well before my alarm goes off for the first time in years. And my alarm now goes off early! I have already faced many challenges at work, and yet, working through them has not deterred me from loving my new position.<br />
<br />
While my new colleagues have me up on a pedestal right now, I know that the truth is, I'm walking with them, not ahead of them. They just don't realize it. And for every time they try to push me onto that pedestal, I lift them right up there with me.<br />
<br />
The kids, though I don't have my own class, have been inspiring and motivating. There is such a vibe at this new school, unlike any school I've been in before. I love it there, even with the challenges and flaws, it's already feeling like home, and it's only been a month.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aBik9fmzpMk/VezeeqXHM_I/AAAAAAAAFOE/cLyWofBknLw/s1600/weird%2Bok%2Bworld.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aBik9fmzpMk/VezeeqXHM_I/AAAAAAAAFOE/cLyWofBknLw/s320/weird%2Bok%2Bworld.jpg" width="253" /></a>But inside. Eating disordered behaviors are surfacing again, and I didn't even realize it. I've been watching the depression creep up, slowly at first, and rapidly the last week or so, until now, where I'm buried in it again. My doctor is worried. My therapist hasn't figured this out yet, I am that good at hiding it. My dietitian is on to me, though.<br />
<br />
The worst part is that I actually have no reason whatsoever to feel this way. Walking into school every morning, I'm invigorated. The opportunities I've already been given, in this first month of school? I know that I'm in the right place, where my talents are embraced and utilized. I finally feel a sense of contentment. I'm with my "peeps" who accept me and all of my quirks, just as I am.<br />
<br />
And yet. I am depressed. Again.<br />
<br />
Will this cycle ever end?<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-26574107544957880712015-09-03T21:43:00.000-04:002015-09-05T20:51:44.581-04:00Thankful Thursdays - Year 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L19mBIV5lJw/ULgQaP4GGaI/AAAAAAAACGU/qKtwq7DfIVI/s1600/Thankful%2BThursday.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="188" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L19mBIV5lJw/ULgQaP4GGaI/AAAAAAAACGU/qKtwq7DfIVI/s1600/Thankful%2BThursday.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Day 251 - Thursday 9/3/15 - Had a blast teaching a lesson to a group of kids, who while they aren't my students, it didn't matter - they listened and we all had fun learning!<br />
<br />
Day 250 - Wednesday 9/2/15 - Learned that smiling through tears for all these years paid off - I can now smile through challenges, too.<br />
<br />
Day 249 - Tuesday 9/1/15 - Pulled off a great surprise for some old colleagues today, that made a lot of people smile, which in turn, made me smile.<br />
<br />
Day 248 - Monday 8/31/15 - First day of school with students, the exhilaration of my new school outweighed the sadness of not having my own crew this year. <br />
<br />
Day 247 - Sunday 8/30/15 - I love the joy in my new position, and the flexibility and freedom I have to be me.<br />
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Day 246 - Saturday 8/29/15 - The most wonderful time of year around here! The Cider Mill opened!<br />
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Day 245 - Friday 8/28/15 - Feeling accomplished from the past week of workshops, and ready to tackle the new year!<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-89126655708861425732015-08-27T17:50:00.000-04:002015-09-05T20:50:31.506-04:00Thankful Thursdays - Year 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L19mBIV5lJw/ULgQaP4GGaI/AAAAAAAACGU/qKtwq7DfIVI/s1600/Thankful%2BThursday.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="188" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L19mBIV5lJw/ULgQaP4GGaI/AAAAAAAACGU/qKtwq7DfIVI/s1600/Thankful%2BThursday.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Day 244 - Thursday 8/27/15 - The chair in my therapist's office hasn't felt this good in ages.... I could have sat there for hours today.... <br />
<br />
Day 243 - Wednesday 8/26/15 - Working in a new environment, with an entirely new group of people, and an entirely different philosophy, it's starting to sink in that me as me is just fine here.<br />
<br />
Day 242 - Tuesday 8/25/15 - Mantra: diffuse instead of distract. Helpful tool right now.<br />
<br />
Day 241 - Monday 8/24/15 - Nerves didn't beat me today. First day of workshop week with the whole staff had me really nervous, but I made it through the nerves and enjoyed a productive day.<br />
<br />
Day 240 - Sunday 8/23/15 - Despite the recent resurgent of flashbacks, today was edibly enjoyable, with a delicious brunch, a walk, and a sweet sundae to wrap.<br />
<br />
Day 239 - Saturday 8/22/15 - Grateful for the nap that ate most of my day today, it was much needed.<br />
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Day 238 - Friday 8/21/15 - What a day! Ran around like a headless chicken, but got to meet nearly every teacher in the building in the process!<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-46064101565111078132015-08-20T20:13:00.000-04:002015-08-20T20:13:08.426-04:00Thankful Thursdays - Year 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Day 237 - Thursday 8/20/15 - Glad to finally speak out loud something that I've been holding inside for a while. While it hasn't made things any better, I'm grateful to not be carrying it alone anymore.<br />
<br />
Day 236 - Wednesday 8/19/15 - Thankful that I took the plunge and ventured into a new job, it truly is a wonderful place to be working!<br />
<br />
Day 235 - Tuesday 8/18/15 - Learned firsthand that having more than 5 scheduled meetings in a day is a challenge, but absolutely survivable!<br />
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Day 234 - Monday 8/17/15 - Great presentation at a great conference today! Moving up in the presentation world - wasn't even nervous for this one!<br />
<br />
Day 233 - Sunday 8/16/15 - Wrapped up a uber hot day hanging with one of my favorite families and playing games with two of my favorite kiddos!<br />
<br />
Day 232 - Saturday 8/15/15 - Got to spend the afternoon hanging out with the peanut today, and boy did we have fun! Nothing like a sunny Saturday afternoon full of smiles!<br />
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Day 232 - Friday 8/14/15 - Felt extremely accomplished today. Finished a major project and am super psyched to move on to the next one!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-27359890947380075792015-08-13T20:04:00.002-04:002015-08-13T20:04:39.636-04:00Thankful Thursdays - Year 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Day 231 - Thursday 8/13/15 - Another great workshop this morning! Loss for words how much I appreciate the people I now work with.<br />
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Day 230 - Wednesday 8/12/15 - Feared my doctor's appointment this morning, smiled as I walked out!<br />
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Day 279 - Tuesday 8/11/15 - So grateful to work with the people with whom I work.... after spending the day together, I know I'm in the right place.<br />
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Day 278 - Monday 8/10/15 - Hosted my first workshop at my new job - nervous as all get out - but thrilled it was so well received!<br />
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Day 275 - Sunday 8/9/15 - Honored that I got to educate my dietitian - had a great work time helping her learn the insides of her website so she can now update it herself.<br />
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Day 274 - Saturday 8/8/15 - Enjoyed a fairly quiet day - much needed - and managed to sleep in and nap twice!<br />
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Day 273 - Friday 8/7/15 - Got to see an old friend of my brother's tonight - nice to catch up and see her adorable baby!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-31361917751629884462015-08-06T17:47:00.001-04:002015-08-06T17:47:19.156-04:00Thankful Thursdays - Year 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Day 272 - Thursday 8/6/15 - I haven't said it in a while, but I really love my therapist, and today, I was once again reminded why.<br />
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Day 271 - Wednesday 8/5/15 - Wonderful day at a workshop with a former colleague - great to catch up with her and great workshop experience overall! <br />
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Day 270 - Tuesday 8/4/15 - I love my new job! Got rather teary thinking how content I feel among my new colleagues. <br />
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Day 269 - Monday 8/3/15 - What a way to start the school year! No power meant we all got to go home extra early! <br />
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Day 268 - Sunday 8/2/15 - Lovely, low key day. Perfect last day of vacation for me!<br />
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Day 267 - Saturday 8/1/15 - Despite not feeling well, I kept my commitment to myself and dragged myself on a walk.<br />
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Day 266 - Friday 7/31/15 - Had a lovely day with some friends exploring a nearby village I'd yet to have seen.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-16626888152137721152015-07-30T22:12:00.003-04:002015-07-30T22:12:59.779-04:00Thankful Thursday - Year 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Day 265 - Thursday 7/30/15 - Kinda nice to take my walk early this morning along the beach with my Dad's company. (Shocking that I just said that, but true!)<br />
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Day 263 - Wednesday 7/29/15 - Enjoyed having the beach to ourselves this morning, and this mini-vacation continues to pleasantly surprise me.<br />
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Day 262 - Tuesday 7/28/15 - Shocked and appreciative at how lovely today was, considering I spent it with my family.<br />
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Day 261 - Monday 7/27/25 - Grateful for the adjusted schedule this week that allowed me to see my therapist on my way out of town, literally.<br />
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Day 260 - Sunday 7/26/15 - <br />
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Day 259 - Saturday 7/25/15 - SO appreciative of my BFF, who came over tonight to help me weed through the clutter-overload at home right now. We made a HUGE dent in it, thanks to her help!<br />
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Day 258 - Friday 7/24/15 - Well, I spoke up for myself, and was promised some peace because of it. Let's see if that actually happens.<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-6343927448079883472015-07-30T21:55:00.000-04:002015-07-30T21:55:27.964-04:00The "L" WordToday I was posed with a task that is proving to be way more of a challenge than it should be.<br />
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See, I just returned from a brief vacation with my family (first time in for-ev-er!) and I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the trip. (Never, ever thought I'd say that!) Anyway, it was suggested to me by someone I very much trust and respect that I send a thank you note to my parents, who I know worked quite hard to make sure I (and my high maintenance requests) were accommodated and that I was comfortable with everyone.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pmPzgTZduys/VbrUsb9NAqI/AAAAAAAAFNY/XLMJZGK-0yw/s1600/Built%2Ba%2BWall.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="312" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pmPzgTZduys/VbrUsb9NAqI/AAAAAAAAFNY/XLMJZGK-0yw/s320/Built%2Ba%2BWall.jpg" width="320" /></a>The thank you, though an idea I never would have had, was fine. I could do that, no problem. But somehow, it led into another conversation that still, hours later, has me unable to press send on the thank you note.<br />
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How do you close a letter to your parents when you really don't have the greatest of relationships, when they are "overly interested" in being in your world, and when there are absolutely zero boundaries?<br />
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I wanted to sign it with something simple, like "xoxox" but that isn't what was suggested. I played around with a few others, such as "with appreciation" and "hugs" but again, not what was suggested.<br />
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The "L" word is what was suggested. More specifically, I was encouraged to close the thank you with "I L you" but I can't. I just can't. The "L" word has such strength behind it, I just don't feel like I can use it with my family. (Yes, I know I'm referring to the "L" word as "it," just goes to show how uncomfortable that word makes me feel.<br />
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So, in an effort to understand what the closing actually means, I did what any anxiety-ridden techie does - I went to Google. I was enlightened, but still.... yeah....<br />
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So it turns out that signing a note or letter "love ya" actually is less "strong" as signing "love you" and that is less strong than signing "I love you" or "love always," which are quite strong and serious. Then there are the variety of signatures that hold similar connotation and strengths, such as "affectionately," and "ever yours," and adoringly," and "with love" and all the other closings that make my stomach churn.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I99RXXfClfU/VbrVEfxQXZI/AAAAAAAAFNg/iY2hyUiuh_U/s1600/Love%2BMy%2BBed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="279" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-I99RXXfClfU/VbrVEfxQXZI/AAAAAAAAFNg/iY2hyUiuh_U/s320/Love%2BMy%2BBed.jpg" width="320" /></a>Don't get me wrong, I can liberally use the "L" word in the "right" setting. Like saying "I love my dog," or "I LOVE maple walnut fudge." In that situation, the "L" word fits without hesitation. It's when applying it to people......<br />
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Growing up, every single phone conversation with my parents ended with "Love you" which drastically diluted the meaning of the "L" word, and contributed to my aversion to using it. To me, it's got power and, well, how shall I put it..... power, strength, and an overwhelming amount of warmth that fill it, I just don't like using it unless it's really all those things. Guess that's part of growing up with the deep scars in which I did, and learning to overcome my aversion while accepting the scars is part of the work my team and I are in for..... Oy.<br />
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Guess I better go send that email........<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8695637518572363731.post-20411138910110979582015-07-23T22:04:00.003-04:002015-07-23T22:04:32.832-04:00Thankful Thursdays - Year 3<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Day 257 - Thursday 7/23/15 - A brief bonus visit with my dietitian ended a productive, and fairly satisfying day with a smile.<br /><br />
Day 256 - Wednesday 7/22/15 - Appreciate the reminder that we all have gifts that others appreciate, which means we get to appreciate others as they appreciate us.<br />
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Day 255 - Tuesday 7/21/15 - So nice to talk to my dietitian again. Two weeks is still just a tad too long for me to go between visits.<br />
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Day 244 - Monday 7/20/15 - I love when my therapist makes sense of things that I can't seem to unwind.<br />
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Day 243 - Sunday 7/19/15 - Enjoyed plenty of sunshine-filled pool time today. It was quite nice!<br />
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Day 242 - Saturday 7/18/15 - Treated myself to a treat at the mall tonight. Hey, I walked for a while, I earned it!<br />
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Day 241 - Friday 7/17/15 - Loved that I had the pool all to myself this afternoon!<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10021412971457928634noreply@blogger.com0