Value & Change

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day.

It started way too early with fits of nightmares interrupting my sleep from about 2am on.  

It continued with the Pup and some bladder issues.  From there, a full on melt-down resulted in a two hour nap with my fingers wrapped around my security trinket that I 

have when my therapist is away.  Insert some hyperventilating, waterworks, and a bit 

of self-destruction, and that wraps up the pathetic (and sizable) portion of my day.

Thankfully, my day ended much better than it started.  Sort of.

The upside is that the peanut spent the night so that my brother and sister-in-law could enjoy a night out and sleep past 7:00am.  I love the time we spend together.  Between dinner (I think the Pup at the most!) and snuggles before bed?  Serious yum.  I don't know 

if there is anything better than having a baby snuggling into you, one fist full of blanket, 

one fist wrapped around your hair, as they drift off to sleep.... melts even the coldest moments inside me.

It was a bit tougher when peanut went to bed, though.  Cause once again, my mind crept in.  This time, bringing a fairly familiar ponderance.  Everyone else's time, especially the time of those that support me, is much more valuable than my time.  So when someone says that they were thinking about me when they saw whatever it was that reminded them of me, I worry.  I worry that they're spending time on me when it could be spent on better things.  And when my dietitian responds to my daily check-in email, my first thought is always "doesn't matter how much this helps me, she's got better things to do with her time outside the office than spend it replying to me."  Or when my therapist says "I was thinking about what you said the other day and...." in my head, I'm thinking, "crap, she was wasting time outside of the office on me again."

Pathetic.  Pretty darn unkind if you ask me.

Some how, that everyone-elses-time-is-more-important-than-mine 

thought led to the following question:

Is it really possible for me to get over this huge wall I've built to trap myself in the small, silly world of ever-lasting childish tendencies and become the person that my team knows I am?

Not sure how one thing led to another, but, there it is.  

A huge, huge question.  

A massive realization. 

And a heck of a lot of work behind what appears to be a rather simple, 

yes or no question....

Truth vs Lie

This is a truth I wish I believed.

I know it's true.  I know that every person on earth has value, just because of who they are.  Some people may appear not to have value, such as those that are cruel and unkind.  However, sometimes it is exactly that kind of person that can teach us pretty important life lessons.  We learn so much from the good people in our worlds, and we also learn from those who are not-so-good in our world.  I prefer the lessons from kind souls, though sometimes I learn the most from the unkind ones.........

Right now, I am struggling greatly with this truth.  I feel that the only value I have is through my job.  The only people I am of value to are my students and their families.  The only reason people are kind to me is because they need my assistance.  

These are the truths I believe to be true.

Even though I know they're lies.  All of them.  Nothing but twisted self-perception and lies.

Truth?  I am valuable just because I am here and I am me.  Truth.

It hurts, though it shouldn't.  

The truth can hurt, yet, somehow I think this truth should feel rather good, or at least neutral.

I am valuable just because I am here and I am me.

People like me because of who I am, not what I do for them.

My students and their families like me because I am me, and I happen to be a good teacher.

My friends like me because I am me, not because of what I do for them.

I am valuable just because I am here and I am me.

I wonder how many times I'll have to type that before it truly becomes my inner truth.

Comparisons

I watched the cutest piece the other day showing groups of kids freestyle dancing.  That always makes me smile.  That clip was followed by a commercial showing a design rehabber and construction guru looking fit beyond words, driving a back-hoe.  Changing channels found a home-cook turned tv chef talking about a delicious Thanksgiving dish his family loves.  A few channels later the screen was filled with a DIY-er sharing simple yet beautiful home improvement projects.  Then landscape artists.  Swimmers gliding across the pool filled the screen next.  Then an unplugged concert by a pianist with a beautiful voice.  There were more channels, too, full of talents and gifts and knowledge.

Sounds like a pretty typical weekend morning, right?  Well, at least for me it is.  It's a nice treat to get up and be able to couch it for a little bit before beginning the day, which is vastly different from weekday mornings.

I hadn't realized it before that morning how much I *still* want to be someone I'm not.

I wish I could dance.  It looks like fun, despite the fact that I tend to trip over my own feet.  I wish I knew how to design and build and woodwork - I loved it as a kid, but now?  I value my fingers, thank you very much.  Cooking?  Yeah, right.  Home decorating?  I wish.  My house looks almost exactly the same as it did when I moved in ten years ago.  Landscaping?  Heck, I wish I could keep a plant alive or grow some herbs and veggies, much less put the pond into the yard that I've wanted to do since childhood.  And I still kick myself for quitting music lessons when I was a kid.  I'm envious of those who can play an instrument, it sounds so beautiful.  Throw in singing, too?  You've got me.  I'm turning green on the inside.  And not a day goes by that I don't miss the athletics I used to participate in on a regular basis.

I have my own gifts and talents.  I know that.  My therapist reminds me of them fairly regularly, too, as I often forget that I do have things to offer the world.  I see the talents of others to be much more valuable than my own.  Instead, I see myself as too clumsy to dance, to weak to do anything requiring sustained physical exertion, as far from a homemaker as possible, too lazy to pick up any athletics, and when it comes to music?  I see myself as selfish for quitting lessons as a child.

Sounds pretty grim, I know.  So is the work I'm doing to change that.  Cause you know what?  One of these days, I'm going to feel good enough.

I'm going to feel good enough.

I'm going to feel like my gifts and talents are good enough offerings for the world.  More than that, I'm going to feel like I'm valuable, just as I am.