Sunday, February 15, 2015

Value & Change

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day.

It started way too early with fits of nightmares interrupting my sleep from about 2am on.  
It continued with the Pup and some bladder issues.  From there, a full on melt-down resulted in a two hour nap with my fingers wrapped around my security trinket that I 
have when my therapist is away.  Insert some hyperventilating, waterworks, and a bit 
of self-destruction, and that wraps up the pathetic (and sizable) portion of my day.

Thankfully, my day ended much better than it started.  Sort of.

The upside is that the peanut spent the night so that my brother and sister-in-law could enjoy a night out and sleep past 7:00am.  I love the time we spend together.  Between dinner (I think the Pup at the most!) and snuggles before bed?  Serious yum.  I don't know 
if there is anything better than having a baby snuggling into you, one fist full of blanket, 
one fist wrapped around your hair, as they drift off to sleep.... melts even the coldest moments inside me.

It was a bit tougher when peanut went to bed, though.  Cause once again, my mind crept in.  This time, bringing a fairly familiar ponderance.  Everyone else's time, especially the time of those that support me, is much more valuable than my time.  So when someone says that they were thinking about me when they saw whatever it was that reminded them of me, I worry.  I worry that they're spending time on me when it could be spent on better things.  And when my dietitian responds to my daily check-in email, my first thought is always "doesn't matter how much this helps me, she's got better things to do with her time outside the office than spend it replying to me."  Or when my therapist says "I was thinking about what you said the other day and...." in my head, I'm thinking, "crap, she was wasting time outside of the office on me again."

Pathetic.  Pretty darn unkind if you ask me.

Some how, that everyone-elses-time-is-more-important-than-mine 
thought led to the following question:

Is it really possible for me to get over this huge wall I've built to trap myself in the small, silly world of ever-lasting childish tendencies and become the person that my team knows I am?

Not sure how one thing led to another, but, there it is.  
A huge, huge question.  
A massive realization. 
And a heck of a lot of work behind what appears to be a rather simple, 
yes or no question....

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