Rules

I like rules.

I like following them.
(Hello, eating disorder.)

Or, at least I like following them when they do what I want them to do.

Which is keep me safe.

"Don't go out after dark if you're alone!"

That was one of my parents favorite rules growing up.

"Never say no if someone asks for help."

That was another rule they had.

"Always be helpful to others, no matter what the cost."

"Family first, even if it's not appropriate."

"Taking time for yourself is selfish, spend time with family instead."

My parents had so many rules.

And I've internalized them as my own.

Despite the fact that I've been living independent of my parents for more than ten years, their rules still haunt me.  They scared me into believing the world is a bad place, full of cruel people who you can't trust, or they might hurt you.

I'm tired of those rules.

I'm so very tired of them.

If I keep following "their" rules, I know I'll never be able to be truly at peace with myself.

If I keep following "their" rules, I will not be able to let myself be happy.

If I keep following "their" rules, I will live the rest of my life in fear.

How to get over the fear of "breaking" the rules my parents ingrained in me?

Suck it up and do it anyway.

Go shopping after dark.

Drive through the city that is scary.

Make the phone call that I'm afraid of making.

Suck it up and face the fear.

Over.  And over.  And over.

The worst part about these ingrained rules?  My parents set them, but it is me who chose to keep living them, long after they were necessary.  I held on to them.  And I continue struggling to let them go.  Because of all that?  I'm truly afraid to let myself be.  I'm afraid to allow myself to get excited, to feel happiness, to take time for myself without the guilt.

It's time to change the rules.

It's time to break them.  All of them.

It's time to suck it up and do it anyway.

I wonder what it is going to feel like 

to allow myself to live without them?

To feel excited about things....... to go on adventures both near and far....... to take time to get to know myself without the guilt....... to live a life I want to be a part of.......

I may be a rule follower.......

But these rules need to be broken.

Day 14: Happiness

This prompt should be pretty easy, for once!  Ten things that make me happy.....

My favorite Albus Dumbledore quote....

1. the Pup
2. teaching
3. doing something new/fun on my computer
4. reading a good book
5. relaxing on a comfy swing or hammock
6. a clean house
7. hugs
8. smiles
9. a really good meal
10. chocolate

Day 14 Prompt: Ten things that make you really happy.

30 Day Recovery Challenge: Day 11

11. What are some enjoyable activities you do which are unrelated to your eating disorder, but help you to cope and feel positive?

This is a tough one, but only because I've been dealing with some pretty intense anxiety and depression, which clouds enjoyment.  When I'm not in the wrath of depression, though...

I love photography.  I love taking pictures of nature, of kids, of animals, of happiness, of whatever the lens catches.  I currently do not have much of a camera, and I promised myself that when I am officially recovered, my gift to myself will be a good camera.

I also enjoy playing with simple graphic design and video editing.  It's fun taking a blank screen and creating something that makes people smile.  Same with video editing - putting together moments, intermixed with photos, add in a little music - I really enjoy the process, and more than that, I like when people enjoy what's been put together.

Those are definitely my two favorite things to do.  I also do enjoy writing, knitting, swimming, chocolate, snuggling with my Pup, and cooking with my BFFs.  Or, more like, I enjoy watching them cook :)

(Oh, and I love to collect quotes.... if you couldn't tell!)

Protection?

Right now, I'm working my @$$ off to protect myself from sinking deeper into the sadness that has been my world lately.  Everything feels like another reason to be depressed, sad, frustrated....

I didn't think about the fact that when I protect, or shield myself from sadness, I'm also shielding myself from the rest of the feelings out there, including happiness.  Happiness.... Reminds me of another quote, the one that says that happiness is not a destination, it's a way of life.

My way of living life has been in the depressive fog of my situation.  I'd like to change that...

Challenge 13, Part 1: Artwork Inspiration

Image by Julie D Waroquier

At first glance, this image took my breath away.  At second glance, and third glance, and every glance, it continues to do so.  It so much reminds me of my childhood, the happy place I used to escape to, both literally and figuratively.

I was, and am, a reader.  I think I was born a reader, learning to read early, and never stopping once I started.  To this day, I don't like to read a book during the work week, because I tend to pick up a book and finish it in one sitting, which means that starting a new book on a work night leaves me little time to sleep!

When I was 10, we moved into the house where my parents still live, and in the front yard was a wonderfully magical tree.  I loved that tree.  I spent a good portion of my life in that house up in the tree.  I'd pack my pockets with snacks and books, and could easily spend an entire day, perched comfortably in my well worn spot on the third branch to the right, and just read.

I'd get lost in the books, but more than that, the tree was my escape.  In the spring and summer, when the leaves were full, I could literally escape the glances of my family, the arguments, the annoyances, and be hidden in the foliage, safely tucked away with favorite friends as I ventured into their fictitious worlds.... oh how I loved that tree...

Week 31: Smile!

What makes me smile.... Not a whole heck of a lot these days.  Which you may think is unusual cause it is summer, and summer is supposed to be full of fun and care-free days.  So as to avoid a major downer of a post, here are a few things that I hope make you smile.

AND, since laughter usually means you're smiling, take a peak at 

this post on laughter, I promise it will make you smile if you haven't already!